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You are so wise at the age of 23 and I believe one can find his/her soul mate. I wonder if the problem is not the option of divorce, but the low barrier to entering marriage. Perhaps there should be prerequisite course 1. getting to know oneself first and 2. meaningful 6-12 month couples’ pre-marriage course. It’s getting better, but there is so much fanfare around weddings. Isn’t the average amount couples spend on weddings $35,000? Couples are sold a fantasy. Certainly many women fall in love with the wedding process.
Soopy, you are onto something, but are you around the right people? Or, are you shopping for ice cream in a hardware store? Perhaps look for professions, charitable organizations, houses of worship where people live a lifestyle that matches your views– professions where serving others based on love and deep caring for others will expose you potential mates who serve and share the same priorities. Just a thought.
You are right. You are entitled to have boundaries regarding behavior that you will and will not accept. Please consider,
1. <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Speaking to DH from a place of love</span>. When you standup yourself though try to come from a place of love not anger. I learned to say, “I don’t feel loved when . . .” or “The way you [blank] me doesn’t feel like love to me”
2. <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Building Your Own </span><span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Support Network</span> – Do not consider his family people who you absolutely need. I agree with Inky. He may be telling you one thing and telling in-laws something <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>completely</span> different. Be grateful they did not invite you because now you know something is up.
3. <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Developing a follow through Plan</span> – You have set reasonable boundaries for hubby(1. less drinking, 2. no dating ex). Hopefully he will respect them, but perhaps he cannot (individuals can have such deep hurt and pain that they engage in self destructive behavior). Start planning on having your own income, babysitters, emotional support for yourself.
I can see you are in pain and see you wish that you could stop feeling this way. You have had to deal with a lot and it seems you made decisions that you believed were right at the time. Do not be too hard on yourself. Maya Angelou used to say, “If I had known better, I would have done better.” This is just part of being human.
I think its an important step that you can feel that something doesn’t feel like it used to be with your ex, even if you cannot quite put your finger on it. Listen to your gut. It’s wiser than you think. Many times if we are still and quiet and just give ourselves time to think and reflect we can be more in tune with what feels supportive, loving, kind and warm for us and what does not.
I can only speak from my own experience. I was with someone where what he called love and how he showed it after awhile really didn’t feel like love to me. While I could wish him the best, the type of forgiveness, I needed to give to stay with him required his genuine willingness to change. He said the magic words, but his actions showed he did not want to change–which was fine, but it meant I could not stay. When I see other women being treated well, I just know I can do better.
I encourage you to keep looking within and reflecting. Also, if it’s possible, close your eyes and envision what you DO want for you and your 3 month old child.
It seems you have been blessed with different elders in your life who have been there for you at critical times. Perhaps there is someone who has been particularly helpful in the past that can guide you in answering the question what you really want.
Wishing you peace and the best,
RyzeApril 25, 2017 at 3:48 pm in reply to: need advice: future family (MIL) who makes me feel taken for granted #146709
Reading your post you obviously have a lot to offer–smart, educated, resourceful, job, organizer. My thoughts are slightly different from Anita’s–confirm you are comfortable with this MIL arrangement or find boundaries for yourself before you get married. Simply put I have walked a similar path.
Your dear fiance has an understanding with his mother that goes back years before you arrived on the seen. He takes care of her, bends to her wishes and she does not have to behave like a responsible mature adult. For whatever reason, they are bonded and that works for them. Consider the possibility that you may be a welcomed party because you multiple his ability to give to his mother. You joined in their dance and everything will be fine if you continue doing their dance. But if you don’t, what will happen? This is the answer you need to find out before you marry him. The following are a list of questions, I wish someone had raised with me:
Are you loved for just for being a loving and kind person or for what you can do for the fiance and his family?
Does your fiance see you as first in his life now and building a life with you (with his mother second)? Or is he always trying to fit her into your plans with him or squeeze in calls or visits to see her (particularly during a time that is supposed to be reserved for you) because she needs something or is upset?
Is your fiance willing to set boundaries with his mother to protect what is important to you? (Asking him a billion times or explaining over and over why this is important with him quietly nodding does not count as a yes.)
Will you have enough energy in the future to raise/develop your kids (possibly work outside the home at the same time) and cater to your MIL?
Realistically, since she has little to no resources, have you thought about the real possibility she may ask if she can move in with you and your fiance someday?
Personally Choco Choco, I think your intuition that motivated you to post is spot on.
If you decide you definitely want to marry your fiance, my suggestion is to set boundaries for yourself. With kindness and love, limit how much help will personally come from you. If she comes over, find some place else to be. Let your husband be responsible for entertaining her and meeting her unreasonable demands. With regard to money, have 3 accounts (his, yours, household) or he is on an allowance. If he wants to spend his whole allowance on her that is his choice. But her needs do not come before the financial needs of your household and future kids.
My MIL was sweet but a TON of work and could never stop talking and a HUGE snoop. She was sooooo much work for me when she visited–I cooked, cleaned and listened to her for hours. Meanwhile my husband would sleep or go watch tv. When I complained he told me I was not like him–family oriented. After years, I met someone who gave me the advice I am now giving you. When she was coming, I reminded my husband to go food shopping, clean the guest bathroom, guest room. I encouraged them to go to the movies or just excused myself. Guess what? Before you know it he was complaining she was coming over too much. LOL.
Listen to your inner voice.