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Dear Anita,
“When he loses one person (you), he is not going to change so to win you back- set his life straight, do right by everyone he harmed, come clean with everyone- no, he is going to “win” another woman instead, and still, another. He will make up for the loss of you.”
Sadly that is the truth. It’s apparent to me now that the responsibility does not lie within me or the other women. If he has no will to change, he will stay the way he is, and I have had quite enough of him blaming others for his own infidelity, for his own lack of morals.
Over time I’ve learned to treat this kind of problem as a land mine; not really serving any positive purpose other than reflecting on your own sense of awareness. It may look tempting at its best, but it’s not going to do anyone any good in the long run. I’m happy to say I’ve known better during my hiatus, and while I’m actively avoiding such problems now, shall there be anyone with a similar problem like me, I hope they can find the responses to my original post as helpful as it was to me. With this, I would like to thank Inky, Anita and Elisabeth for their insightful responses to my otherwise boring thread.
I will post an update to how things have turned out for the better, now that I have removed myself from the environment.
Hi Lostcatlady!
Being an introvert myself, I can’t help but feel very familiar with the things you’re going through.
I’m 23F, I feel like there’s a lot to be explored, and yet at the same time I feel like I lack the will/power/persistence/hustle/what-you-may-call-it, to pursue what I desire. I crave the winnings, but I lack what I need to get there – or at least I felt like it.
Passing days with this sort of feeling is uncomfortable and damaging in so many subtle ways. Unfortunately, this also comes with an added pressure of comparing self to others. On the surface, we may pass as an okay person but under the surface we’re beating ourselves, our ego and self-esteem constantly on the line.
I’m not at all resourceful enough to determine whether this is slipping into more of a clinical problem or “still in our heads” type of thing, thus I know no absolute fix. However I can put this here for you to determine whether it’s right or wrong: it’s not our life that is bad, but the way we think of it, is.I know of a colleague who, according to her, “has had her life practically destroyed within days.” It involved crimes, lack of skills, lack of money, lack of judgement. She claimed she had nothing left; no one to talk to, no family to return to, no money and no skills to earn it. At some point in her life, she was in jail for things she didn’t do. But over time, she learned to let it go, accept how life had bailed out on her, and finally start a brand new page because it had worn her out for too long. She forced herself into rehab, into communities, trying desperately to fit in and be accepted. She may have flaws and unpleasant past, but she accepted herself and tried to live it out. Not so surprisingly, years afterwards, she earned her happiness. Previously she had no family to live with – now she can go day by day knowing she had found a new family in her friends. She had no partner but that’s okay. She had very little money but that’s okay. She may not have everything in her grasp just like everyone else, but that’s okay. She’s still trying to fix herself because she has something to aim for.
I am in no way comparing your problem to hers, I simply wanted to show you how she fixed her problems. My feedback may be more towards subtly changing the way we think (abstractly), and not the concrete solution to an immediate fix. But I think we can have several key points from there to note:
– Comparing yourself to others is no-no. Some proceed in their lives much faster than us, and some much slower. What we need to understand is that we all have our own struggles and pace. As I’ve said, you may appear okay on the surface but not many people know what’s going on inside you. The same applies to others – you see them in their grand stature with their positive outcomes in life but no one knows what they’ve gone through to get to that point, what hardships they’ve put up with and how many people were there for them when they’re at their worst. Seeing them as perfect is a flaw in itself. Every one of us may do better without constantly checking our neighbors’s progress and determining where we’re at based on that.
– We can all agree on at least one thing: accepting and loving yourself do absolutely no harm (unless you’re over-loving yourself and turn narcissistic~). We may have many flaws that we wish to fix, but constantly beating ourselves because of it is rather cruel, isn’t it? One thing I’ve learned from that fellow friend of mine, was that we can try viewing ourselves in third-person POV: see ourselves as a child in distress. You see every other child able to speak, run, and play on their own. Then you see this particular child, the same age, who’s still unable to walk, let alone run or speak. Would you spank her and tell her she’s not good enough? Would you critic her and let her be, all on her own trying to figure things out while not knowing how to do it? I believe not. We would support and encourage her instead so that she can be as advanced as others, and while we’d be able to do that to some random child, certainly we can do that to ourselves too.
– Do try and start acting things out without thinking too much. I often find it really helpful to imagine myself already winning something – it motivates me to keep on going, and motivations may work differently with different people. Try and see if something stimulates you unlike any other thing has, and figure out the formula. Then don’t think about the consequences of doing the thing you love – just do it.
– If we’re feeling unaccomplished in the midst of seemingly ‘successful’ people, either we extract ourselves from the surroundings and try no to think of them anymore, or try and be like them. Anyhow, if we’re literally ‘alone’ as we call it, nobody else would care about what we do, right? We can make a fool of ourselves and everyone would still be too busy perfecting their own lives, so we might as well plan a route and make an escape to a better life. Life doesn’t change on its own – if we change, life changes too. My friend asked this question to herself in front of a mirror too many a times: “Does anyone give a f*ck?” and the answer is almost always no, for the better or for the worse. We’re all out here fending for ourselves in our personal fights.
– People don’t see you the way you see yourself. Whereas we’re the ones who’re living our lives day by day, we know every little flaws that exist in ourselves in detail. Other people, not as much. So we tend to be over-critical about ourselves and mull over it without actually seeing a way to fix it. Let’s say we start crocheting out of hobby, then we stopped before really becoming a pro at it. We think it’s bad, but it doesn’t mean it’s universally bad – in fact, I think it’s actually a good thing because it’s a sign that we have tried doing something, took out an effort and had a new experience unlike any other. Sure we didn’t pursue further more than that, but it doesn’t mean we’re a failure. Seeking help from others means you’re willing to see from other’s eyes that are trying to analyze you and accept the help in order to fix said flaws. And I, for one, believe you may be a little too over-critical for your own good.
– Our time may be limited, as in we’ll die at some point. But there’s no limit to learning. Literally. I have elder acquaintances that are in their 70s, 80s even. And they only just started doing things that they want to excel at, such as writing stories, playing saxophone, baking pastries – things that they might have missed in their early days and got jealous that other people are able to do it so well. Things may seem to rush you in order to excel at something and be successful, but really, if you’re forcing yourself out of your pace, it often does more harm than good. It would be better if we start seeing our life from another angle, take things more slowly and pat yourself on the back once in a while. Not many people has the luxury of time, and I believe you’re also one of the lucky ones even though you may see yourself not so.
– Define what you truly want in your life. What do you define with happiness? What do you identify with an ideal life? Do you really want a partner, like your friends? Do you really want to have a stable job, a circle of close friends, a pursued hobby that turns fruitful? If so, why do you want it? Then, once we’ve defined what we truly want, we can focus on what needs to be done in order for it to be achieved. If what you wanted was something else, start deciding whether you need to just settle with what you have currently, or move forward and start doing things to achieve it.
“While going through this mental crisis, I realised I have literally no one I can confide in.” I’m really sorry you have to undergo all this without anyone to help you. It’s good now that you’ve finally reached out to Tinybuddha and boldly write out some of your troubles – in fact, this is one of the ways you can fix your problems!
I hope you feel the relief I’m having now because you’ve finally decided to open up and let people (like me and you) know that we’re not totally alone in this world. Please do know that you’re not alone – thousands, countless people are also feeling insecure, facing the same dilemma we’re having right about now.. and it’s certainly not fun trying to find a leeway through it.
Oh and, if you ever needed someone to talk to, you can always reach out to people here, as I’ve known Tinybuddha to be a very friendly and open community to engage in.
Let me know what you think. I hope you’re able to see a positive way out of this soon!
Ellie, thank you very much for your understanding.
You are right; I have been suffering for quite some time. Having this kind of relationship is nowhere near healthy for anyone – it’s wrong in many ways. That much knowledge in this relationship was, unfortunately, paired with my poor sense of self-worth, and I was too afraid to let his wife or anyone else know about our relationship at that time. I was afraid of being cast out, afraid of guilt itself, so I turned a blind eye to it.. Now that I’ve finally opened up my eyes again, I finally left him without saying any word. Partly because I was afraid that hearing his reactions and words will somehow affect me negatively, and partly because I just believe I have to put this to end… now. (about damn time!)
Telling this to his wife, and hoping for her to see my side as well as alleviate my guilty feelings, I think, is just a bonus for me.
I am aware of what I have done and what I might cause. And I don’t expect a positive reaction entirely from her – she could be head-splitting angry at me, or believe in her husband more than me, or think what I’m saying is a joke or that I’m lying just to cause a ruckus, etc. I am nowhere near wanting her to be that way, nor do I want to break their relationship and the likes.
I am simply seeking a resolution, a way to tell her the truth simply because I believe a wife deserves to know the truth from her own husband, whether it’s good or not. When I saw that he is in no way changing his behavior soon and he is also in no way going to tell her wife about it (and no one else is certainly going to), I thought that I should. Otherwise it would just go on until probably at some point he would hurt somebody again.However, I totally see where you are coming from.
I might have intervened them too much now or caused too many pain already. I really have to re-consider many things before actually doing, or not doing, something that has a chance to affect a relationship strongly. For now, certainly, I’ll remove myself from his reach and will not get close to him any more.I really, really appreciate your input. Thanks so much Ellie!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 