Forum Replies Created
May 15, 2023 at 8:56 am in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418762
Thank you for your encouraging words Bill, Brandy and Helcat. I already started my journey to move on and let it go and accepting the fact that forced forgiveness is not the way to go for now. Looking for future opportunities and letting the past be just a lession and not a chain.May 14, 2023 at 11:57 am in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418737
Thank you Tee and Helcat, your messages were so insightful and I made a lot of notes from them in my journal. Now I have an idea of what to do. And I was quite angry with myself for not being able to forgive or stop being angry and bitter (finding it as a bad thing not just as a signal of my boundaries being violated)
Your messages were so helpful. Thank you, I wish the best things for you all.May 14, 2023 at 9:10 am in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418734
Thank you Helcat and Tee for your replies.
And thank you for reminding me that not everyone has to be forgiven, cause my efforts to forgive didn’t work so far. Maybe I should accept the fact that I can’t come to 100% peace with her in my mind. And I have to live with it maybe… And my effort should be toward forgiving myself and giving myself permission to live again.
and yes, I have to learn how to recognize selfish people and unhealthy relationships. Any advice about it or a book to read would be so helpful.
“Just a thought: it could be that you were attracted to older women, because they served as a mother figure, and you wanted love and appreciation from a mother figure?”
I don’t know about it. Thank you for reminding me about it. I do some meditation and think about it.
Do you have any practical day to day advice to overcome this deep feeling of anger?May 14, 2023 at 8:08 am in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418730
“Is this woman the same woman you had a long-distance relationship with, and then she broke it off when you couldn’t travel to her country (sometime in 2019)? ”
no, they are not the same persons. This one lived in my country.
“Is it because you believe that you will be hurt like that again? That you can’t trust any woman?”
Yex exactly. Although I know this is not a rational conclusion but the fear is there. Especially if the anger and bitterness are always there, it is affecting my thoughts about having a relationship with someone else in the future.
“In your previous thread you mentioned that your first relationship was with a woman 12 yrs older than you, who only contacted you when she needed something from you.”
This woman is the very woman that I’m talking about now! We got back together. This woman who got the apartment is my first girlfriend that I described in my first thread as my first girlfriend and OMG! Even back then I knew everything and described her yet I kept dating her. I just checked this is from my thread in 2019 here, describing her:
“I was 19-21 yeas old when I was with her and during that time I was dealing with a lot of problems with her life and her daughters. she was in problems all the time and when she didn’t have problems, she didn’t send message to me even. she left me suddenly over and over when she was in the good mood. but when she had a problem, she sent me a message and I was there to be with her and helping. those 3 years was absolutely bad.”
Now I feel embarrassed besides anger and bitterness…
Thank you for pointing out all of these. Now I see I have more problems so solve than I thought…May 14, 2023 at 6:55 am in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418724
I truly agree with you Roberta. I do think the same with my conscious mind and this seems the solution. But I cannot do it emotionally. No matter how much I wish good for them or pray. The bitterness and anger is there. This is why I asked here if there is any way to do it. How I could do it in a way that is true in my heart and not just repeat some words of good wishes for them? This is why I tried to forgive her but it was not successful so far.
How I can do what you just described? This is the end result, how the process of getting there would look like?May 14, 2023 at 5:49 am in reply to: Can I move on from a betrayal without forgiveness? #418722
I know her for more than 5 years. And I was there in the hospital always helping with her daughters. I’m sure about the illness. Unfortunately, I can’t do any legal charge against her because she already left the country. I talked with some lawyers and they said as long as she is not here, you can’t do anything, I can’t get her. So there is no way to hold her accountable. The only way for me is to let it go and I’m ready to let it go financially but idk how to let it go emotionally.
What would the process of letting it go look like in a situation like this? While I’m almost sure forgiving doesn’t work when the person even doesn’t admit to what she has done. I tried but I couldn’t. The mental burden is so great. I’m young, I can earn that money but it is destroying my mental health and any future relationship that I could have. I want to at least manage to contain the damage to only financial stuff and make myself free from emotional damage.
When I lost my relationship with my first girlfriend after 3 years (She was 11 years older than me), I for running away from that experience started a relationship with another girl quickly. During that time a lot of my thoughts were still stuck in my past relationship. So I could not decide well if that new girl was the right choice or not. I was sad, angry and scared of being alone. So I lost my capable of deciding well and logically.
As you can imagine the second relationship was even worse and destroyed me even more.
I think this is better to have some months between relationships. I tried to have it and I find my third decision better with it (But however I lost it… for other reasons)
Maybe it is a good idea to try to making friends and being in social rounds actively and maybe there you could find the right person when your mood is good. I’m trying to have it now (But I’m not really successful in making friends now…) But however, I find this the best solution.
As you said here, I started to experience more and learning social skills. So I tried to find some friends in my city, I searched for an online group and joined. There I tried to speak with others and making connections but they were too superficial and I could not make a conversation with them at all. I tried a lot for two days but everything went wrong. So I decided to leave that group. I was thinking about joining NGOs again but my last experience was awful when I saw a lot of people in NGO fighting against each other. So this one is not the right choice for improving my social skills.
And about 3 days ago my friend said that maybe I was wrong and my ex-girlfriend maybe only wanted to protect me and then left me and so it could be good idea speaking with her about it and maybe it is a chance for having the relationship again. But when I spoke with her, she said that she left me because she felt that I’m blocking her from progressing at her working life and so on. So I really don’t know what is the right steps for solving these social problems. Finding friends and girlfriend sounds really big challenge for me now and I feel that I need it really strongly. I need a practical suggestion which can help me find a solution.
Sorry if I only speak about this kind of stuff here and boring everyone 🙁
Thanks, Anita, I will. Now I have a better idea of what I should do
Now I have a clear idea of what’s going on. I think I have a lot of stuff for building in my life. I’ll try to use every opportunity for practicing social skills. And maybe, for now, I should forget about having a relationship again and seeking it.
I’m diagnosed as Asperger autistic about 3 years ago. The main things that shows this syndrome in me is about how I understand the world (and not only being alone and so on). For example my problems about understanding some social stuff without having clear definition or logic. Or my issues for understanding jokes and so on. And when I was a child I also struggled about this kind of social stuff a lot and I could not understand a lot of social conventions by myself unlike other children in our school. So I created my own world in my life. When I was about 15-16 years old I was reading books from Sartre or Albert Camus instead of being with my friends for example. I learned languages, graphic design and programming skills and so on alone at home and I didn’t have friends in university and school at all because I could not understand how those social stuff are going. How I should act in particular situation and they always found me too serious or mysterious… maybe.
We in our family don’t have real connection with each other. My father is always silent (absolutely silent, you can only hear hello from him) and my mother have her own world. We are not in close connection and I didn’t receive any support from them Even in my study and working life.
And again, Thanks for your attention Anita.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by saggad.
About work: Everything was pretty fine and I had a plan for visiting her in April but suddenly the economy of my country gone wrong and our national money lost the value (This happened really suddenly, during only 2 weeks maybe). I live in middle eastern country and here the situation is not stable. Just imagine what happened in Venezuela about their money, we had/have a similar situation. So I asked her for more time. but…
She didn’t came to me because she did not have work for a long time and she was struggling for finding a job.
About that girl who was trying to change me: The problem was not only about dresses and so on but about lifestyle and how we think. Here the average people lives and thinks really different from the rest of the world and I can’t accept their way. We didn’t have anything in common for talking about. For example, someday we were together for about 4 hours in city and during that time, I swear that I said only “Hello” and “Goodbye “. Really nothing more. I could not accept or even respect her opinion about a lot of things and she could not understand even what I’m thinking about. We only live in a same city but really in different worlds. And I have the same problem with my whole society (of course there are exception) and therefore I don’t have friends now even in my country and I’m only in serious contact with my friends from other countries online.
I could not make conversation with that girl for more than 10 minutes. I was always silent and hearing her opinions about the world. She was always thinking how other people around her is thinking and how her friends speaks. I can’t imagine that she read a book (not from her university) in her whole life.
Sometimes I even could not find words which she could understand. Our vocabulary was essentially different because I always was at home and reading books and I was not (and still I’m not) with other people in my country and so my world is really different. Maybe my autism cause it. idk.
For example now I can talk for 10 hours about how Murakami thinks in the book Kafka on the shore or how Buddha changed his life after seeing those situations in the city far from the palace and so on.
They are my hobbies. But when I talk about this kind of stuff with other people here, they only say “Ah, amazing” and then they try to speak about the last Instagram story from an actor who was talking about dresses! And this is the good case. It could be even dangerous. I remember one day I said something about Buddhism to someone and that opinion was not really similar to common faith in the country so he was really angry about what I said. That girl was also in the same way and I could not speak about my belief and imagine that I was hiding my belief from my girlfriend…
Everything is pretty complicated and I’m thinking how I can solve this whole situation. For solving serious things about working life and so on I need be calm and being with friends/girlfriend but I can’t do it. I can figure out how I can solve finance problems but when I’m totally alone and depressed I can’t do something.
I’m searching ideas about how I can be with people or if it is not possible now, How I can be alone but not depressed for being able to solve this situation.
to be honest
I feel that I’m trying to lie to me.
Of course there is a lot of opportunities for being in right relationship in my city, in my country and in the world.
My first relationship (which was with a 32 years old woman) was pretty awful. I was in relationship during 3 years with her and during those years I was only taking care of her problems and I’ve never touched her even. It was like… Idk even how I can put that relationship in the words.
I was 19-21 yeas old when I was with her and during that time I was dealing with a lot of problems with her life and her daughters. she was in problems all the time and when she didn’t have problems, she didn’t send message to me even. she left me suddenly over and over when she was in the good mood. but when she had a problem, she sent me a message and I was there to be with her and helping.
those 3 years was absolutely bad.
I loved her but I didn’t receive anything from her…
I don’t know why I was in that relationship… I knew that she only want me in her bad days and I didn’t have any meaning for her at all…
I was so anxious. I felt that I should be in the right relationship and being able to love someone and enjoy the life with her (and not only being an helper and then a garbage)
So I started a relationship with that girl who was trying to change me.
I knew that she was not the right choice, she never could accept me as I am. But I felt the need so I decided to be with her.
And the result was even more awful. Everything was ruined in my heart and I lost my hope for good relationship.
So when we ended that foolish relationship.
Then I found a girl (who was about 35 years old) who was everything that I could imagine.
She understood me, she knew me and accepted me as I am.
She was trying to enjoy the life with me. She shared good moments with me (Which I never experienced before, I was supposed only for problems).
She read books with me in video chat and so on.
Everything was well but…
She was from another country
I was working really hard (really! I was working for two company in the same time!) for being able to be with her.
She knew that
when I was under a really big pressure (and she knew it), the only thing that helped me doing those jobs was she. And I really didn’t imagine that I could lost her…
she suddenly said that she is going to end our relationship because she feel that she can’t wait… and she is older than me and blablabla (she knew that she was older thant me before of course, that was not good reason…)
I’m working so hard as I was.
without any hope
and I don’t know what can I do
and I can’t take care of me well.
I work because it helps me to think less about all of this.
But I know this is not the right way.
I should start a relationship again and finding my motivations again.
I REALLY fear of it.
and I don’t know with who I could be in good relationship.
And I’m pretty tired…
because I was in 3 relationship during 5 years and I had nothing… absolutely nothing.
I started this topic about 1 year ago when I was 22 years old.
Now I’m 23 years old.
I left that girl who was trying to change me and after her I started a new relationship with a girl who was about 12 years older than me but she really understood me and I felt really well with her. She was fine with everything that I was/am.
But the problem was our distance.
She was not in my town and even not in mu country.
I needed time for being able to go to her country but everything was pretty good and I was trying too hard for earning money and being able to join her, she decided to end the relationship because she felt that she should take serious steps and waiting for me was not good choice.
Everything was happened so quickly and… okay… I’m now in the same situation when I was 1 year ago.
Pretty alone (actually more alone) and I really don’t know how I can fix this issue.
I feel that I can’t find the right person in my city (because the culture, maybe, they don’t like to accepte someone like me as I am) and of course I really fear of being in relationship with someone who is in other country or city (because my last experience)
and I really don’t know what I should do…
I’m seeking ideas.
I really can’t be alone for my whole life of course and I don’t like to be in bad relationship (like that one in my city)
- This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by saggad.