Thank you Anita 🙂
I will see where the road brings me later on. But in the meantime i am still working with my CBT therapist and trying to get back more into the meditation and mindfulness and that does already a lot for me.
I am trying to take more care of myself now, of what i think i need, it’s going on and off but at least i’m trying 🙂

Hi Pink,

Thank you for your short and sweet advice.

Most people at work are self serving and don’t care about you.

That is something that i find hard to get. Because i’m too much the opposite. And i’m lucky that many people there at the workplace are not like that, but very helpful and relaxed. In my previous workplace as well, we would help each other when we could. Not always the same but i don’t mind about that, as long as we can work together in a nice way. For me it’s already natural that i’m helping them more than they do, but i usually don’t mind that.
This woman is a strong exponent of this quote of you and i’m still trying to accept that. That is not the way i want to live, even though i should become a bit like that.

I think you say it right: train people not to mess with you. And i don’t seem to be doing well in relation to that woman. Only yesterday i decided it was a bit ridiculous that i’d jump away so easily for her just because she decides that she wants to do my task. So i told her i’d do it and she said ok. But she still stayed there and started to do some things involved. So we got into a kind of discussion, she told me ‘yes but i’ll do it as well’ – 1 person is enough. So i kept quiet until she left. I was glad with that experience but now i feel that i have done this, i should keep quiet in my corner again for a week. It is a struggle and i hope to learn something from it, but perhaps i will have to respect that i will only progress in my own pace.

I think i will also have to train myself in having the right attitude from the beginning on. Learn to take on a bit of a stance to look more confident and to make it more clear that my space is there to be respected. Not to try to please them but observe them more.

With this woman it might be hard to change things but i will have to try.

Thank you so much for your support.

Hi, thank you so much for your replies. Sorry i didn’t reply earlier – for me it’s a sign of respect or gratitude to reply when somebody does the effort to read my story and reply to it. I was busy and struggling with my moods because of the tiredness and probably stress at work.

Icy, i’m sorry you are having such a difficult situation at work. Yes it’s probably a lot harder when it’s your boss. I’d find it a lot harder to say something when that person is above you. I don’t know what to say to you as i’m struggling with these things myself. I had a few situations at work where the person above me was doing something that i didn’t consider kind (like, watching football at very busy moments when even some machines weren’t working, and leaving us alone with all the busy work), but luckily that doesn’t happen too often. I can’t imagine saying something to those persons. I hope things will get better for you in some way.

We have to find a way that we can just relax and realize nothing bad will happen to us if we respectfully stand up for ourselves…the world won’t end…you won’t get punched in the face…it will be ok. It is easy to say but hard to do unfortunately.

Very well said. It’s difficult yes, but we will only make some progress (however slow it might be), if we try it.
I often tell myself: it’s only work, don’t bother so much, go there and leave it behind you when you’re done. But that’s again my avoidance-attitude. It’s work, and also there i have to learn to let myself be respected. I don’t know how to go about it. It’s such a habit already to let that woman walk over me, and it has probably made me see some things, that towards some people you need to make strong boundaries. I can try to learn to put boundaries now, but now she nows very well that she can treat me in any way, it will be hard to turn this around, so it’s mostly about me trying to practice something.

Hi, I am sorry for my late reply here. I kept thinking about it, but i was so tired with my work, that i couldn’t find the energy to go into that. I am sorry to hear how much suffering you went through Anita, and how you blamed yourself for all of it. I recognise quite a few things what you write, although i still find it hard to see that it wasn’t my responsability.
And i still feel guilty most of the time for being around other people, wasting their air and their view. Although i can now see that these are one thought patterns that are strong because i have built them up over so long time, i don’t seem to manage to let go of them for longer than a while.

When we were writing these posts i was thinking about looking for an other therapist, who could help me to look into all of these feelings. But at the moment i’m just continuin with my therapist in my home country.
Maybe i feel that there is still a lot to gain for me with DBT, maybe i’m just scared to go into all these things. Because i’m a bit scared, that i wouldn’t know how to cope with it all and how to get out of it.
Often i just feel like, just stop bothering about those things, and get on with my life, do something useful and open up. Although i already feel, while i’m writing this, that it’s not really going to work, it seems that i’m still in the denial phase. I find it difficult, the idea of going through such and emotional therapy, having no social network where i could find support, and having to be able to manage my job – a very easy job, but when my emotions get out, i can get really messy and unproductive.
I guess i’ll keep it in the back of my mind, and perhaps i’ll do something with it later.
Thank you very much for sharing your story with me and for making me think 🙂

Thank you Anita.
Right now i’m an emotional mess because of some other things, so i don’t even mangage to read everything you wrote. Hopefully tomorrow. But then i don’t know if i will have the energy/find the right words to reply immediately. Thank you for being concerned. I’ll reply as soon as i can.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have actually, in the past, confronted my parents, when i started to realise that these things did cause me some hurt. Especially my mother, i said some very, very harsh things to her (probably the worst things that a child can say to their mother), then i switched the phone off and didn’t take contact for a year or so. Then we had a talk with the therapist in the hospital where i was, and then some on and off contact again (in a bit an awkward way), and a few years later she died. I can’t even dare to start to imagine what that must have been like for her.
Perhaps i am putting so much emphasis on understanding her, because i still feel guilty for that.
Almost a year after she died i had another job that didn’t work out, and then i started a day therapy, that was the Linehan, 2 days per week. About half a year into that i became suddenly very suicidal and desperate, i come out of it but i still think that it was all the guild for saying these awful things to her and treating her like that. I couldn’t cope with that.
So i don’t know, but i think that might be (a part of) the reason that i am so afraid to go really into it, more than just with my mind. I might still be afraid that i will have to deal with these words of mine and not being able to deal with all the self-hatred and self-blame that comes up.

And also about the dwelling in the past, i do feel that i have said so many times already: this and that is the source of my problems, and it feels like each time the same song. That i should focus more on doing interesting things and learning things, because now it seems that i have almost only that to talk about. But i guess i should find a good therapist, who helps me to EXPERIENCE these things, instead of just talking about it.

And yes, i want to be too nice, what you say about figuring out my mother’s reasons. I always do that: i want to call other people good and try to only see good things about them. Even though they are assholes i don’t manage to see that. Because i find myself so unimportant and low, that i find it very hard to say: somebody did this to me, i was hurt and that damaged me. I guess you have to be able to give yourself some kind of importance to say that you were treated the wrong way.
Even when i’m in terrible physical pain or if someone is unkind, unfair to me, i used to just say: oh it’s nothing, and put on a big (forced) smile. I have that less than it used to be but it is so difficult for me to just acknowledge that something is not well for me.

These several quotes that you take from me, about ‘maybe’ and ‘probably’, might be because i find it hard to take myself so serious, to say: these things damaged me and i need to work with that. Because i still find it hard to respect myself enough to really look after myself. As long as i can keep going, and i am very strong with getting out of bed in the morning and do everything i need to do, and keep pushing myself. As long as i can do that (There are times that i can’t do it at all anymore if i have pushed myself for too long and too hard – and then people probably just say that i’m lazy, but i don’t think it’s laziness at all), i can push away the need to look into myself, and to face that i’m unhappy and breaking down inside, and to look at what i can do to become happy.
It is still a big drama for me to pay much attention to what happens inside of me. The thing that matters is, how i come across to other people, and yes, am i pleasing other people, am i doing what they expect from me.

This evening i was feeling terrible again. Now i’m trying to make a little bit of chat at work, but of course it feels awful. I don’t even dare to make eye contact and i feel so extremely clumsy. I feel that it’s so forced and that i’m probably making a fool out of me. Of course it works contrary if i put so much pressure on it.
I phoned this telephone helpline, that i have phoned a lot in the past already, and i told him also about your suggestions, about this kind of therapy, going into it. And he also suggested that it would be a good idea.
He adviced a kind of therapy where they work with roleplays, where we would go into situations with family, or also in situations with collueges that feel uncomfortable, and that way learn to relax more with those people.
I don’t know much about it but i will remember his advice. He seemed to know what he talked about.

So i won’t write: perhaps i should do that – i always tend to write and talk with these kind of words, which is maybe not good -. But i guess it’s time to look for an other therapist. Also i moved to an other country a few years ago so my contact with my therapist is not always through skype. It might be better to talk with somebody in real life, although she notices quite a lot through skype, it does create more distance.

So that’s 2 very scary things: i have to talk to my therapist about stopping and i have no idea how to start about that. And then i have to let go of that contact, while i’m not good at letting go of things.
And second, finding a new therapist. How do you go on about that. Finding someone that fits with me, that i feel good with. I saw one therapist here about 2 years ago, and i remember that i didn’t feel too much confidence in her, maybe i should try her again. I did a quick google, and found someone that looked very qualified, but askes for a big fee, more than i can afford. So should i just go to some random person and see if it works for me, and if he/she can offer me what i look for? Kind of trial and error?
I don’t know. But i think it’s time to look for some phone numbers and after the weekend call at least somebody, and not keep postponing it…

Thank you for reading all of this.
It is all quite scary but i think it’s time to take some steps. Stop avoiding and put a kind of film over myself (don’t know if it makes any sense this expression, it kind of makes sense in my mind…) and trying to change little things about myself.
Although i don’t know if that is a good thing, for somebody with borderline, but maybe i need to do what i think that i need, and not what some doctors tell me that i can or can’t with my borderline-diagnosis (which is after all, just a diagnosis, and not even a truth. perhaps i have these borderline symptoms because i’m not allowing myself to fully be. does that sound reasonable?)

Hello Anita,
Wow, thank you so much for your words. I woke up too early this morning, and your words are touching me – perhaps they touch me because i’m tired. When i am well-slept i can more easily go over something like this.
You are probably right, that the way from when i was a child still has a major influence on me, has shaped me actually. But i usually don’t like to dwell on that because so many people have gone through much worse things, with me it was just the way i was treated, there was not really physical abuse, so what am i complaining about..? Although yes, the way you get treated and the affection/love/encouragement that you are being denied, can damage you even more than physical wounds.
And, one of my parents is dead, and the other does so much for me, so i don’t like to go on about how they didn’t have the best way to raise me, because they did what they could. My mother had major mental AND physical problems herself, and she just wasn’t in control of herself, she had such a hard time with herself and i think she just wasn’t ready for a child. That is why i don’t want children, i’m too afraid the same would happen. So i feel like keep dragging in the past by keep going back to that, and that it is me who have to change something, by creating a more positive attitude and way of living. Which i am working on, slowly, but perhaps you are right and i need to look into the causes of why i feel constantly in such a terror.

Yes i am fortunate, and i have a very loving partner, a very special and wise person, he has seen me in quite some terrible states where i was sure i would lose him because of that, but he loves me and i think he understands much more about me than i realise. Although we are far away from each other and don’t know when we will manage to be together, i am missing him terrible sometimes, i do feel we are coming closer together and he does wonders for me.

I do have a therapist… I had several therapists in the past and i’m going to this one since about 8 years. She is a Linehan-trainer, perhaps you know that therapy, since you mentioned BPS in an other reply to me a while ago…?
But sometimes i do wonder, if this is still good for me, because we keep going over the same program, and sometimes i wonder how much progress i’m actually making. Linehan is a kind of training program where you learn skills around certain areas, and sometimes i do wonder if it would be good for me to go to somebody who treats the whole person. Because it does feel sometimes that we are going in circles a bit. But on the other hand, she knows me so well, that i am afraid to lose her. I sometimes phone to such a phone-helpline, where there are people who are there to listen and talk with people who need a listening ear, and they have also sometimes suggested going to see a new therapist – but then, they don’t know my whole story out of one phone conversation.
Also, i moved to an other country a few years ago, so my therapist and i talk through skype. I don’t always know if that is the best way to communicate, even though she sees quite a lot about what’s happening inside me, because of my facial expressions.
I asked her a few years ago what she thought about me doing psycho-analysis, and she said that it would be a ‘landscape where i would get lost in’, so i always took it as that i’m not strong enough, and that i need the specific training/therapy for the borderline.
Don’t know if you have any thoughts on this, since you have experience with BPS as well, and seemed to be much farther than me with it?
Perhaps i can talk with her about it, and try to agree that i can come back to her if it doesn’t work out.

And i guess you are totally right, i should not try to be more funny or humorous, because then again i am trying to please others, trying to do or be something to be accepted. Even if i talk in a boring tone, and say things that i find at that moment, it is probably much better than to try to be nice for them. I guess i will still try to interact more at work, because hiding is not going to help, but try to focus on how i feel inside and try to respect that – will probably be a long journey.

Yesterday i wrote here about a few collegues how i feel about them and how i interact with them. This morning i woke up and i realise, that person that i said that i like, that is maybe mainly because he smiles a lot, so also at me, so that makes me feel as if i’m accepted. And then i often smile back (again, the same thing, trying to please and copy the other) and then i felt that he has a good influence on me to help me smiling. But recently i started to feel awkward about that smiling, especially since we don’t manage to talk much (he’s a man, i’m a woman, so i started to worry that i was putting wrong messages across). Yesterday i tried to make a little chat with him (which means, i asked a few little questions about work which got a few short answers, so maybe that was not very succesful) as an attempt to restore the awkwardness that i feel we got. And this morning i realise, maybe i say i like that person because of the smiling, but it’s again the same thing, smiling back as a way to please the other, instead of out of myself. Don’t know if you understand what i mean, but it’s again giving up on my own way, and just folding myself in relation to the other. It is definitely not healthy.
Perhaps i should try now and then to smile to others out of myself. I do it a lot to strangers on the street. In general i am a lot more spontanuous with strangers and for example with hitchhiking, then with people who i have to see regularly again. It is probably obvious why, after the insightful piece that you wrote about me and my fear of rejection and ridiculed – the risk is much, much less with people i won’t see again.

I don’t know why i’m writing all of these things, it feels awkward again. But you are inviting me to do it, and apparantly i do have a big need to exchange or share with others about these things, so i decided to take you helping hand.

Thank you so much for taking your time and helping me, i appreciate it so much.