Don't know how to slow down in life

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This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Annie.

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September 6, 2015 at 8:36 pm #82984

Annie
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Hello all,

I’ve been learning how to be patient. I am trying to be less impulsive as that can lead to bad decisions. I’m just not very sure what’s happening right now. I just came back to university after summer vacation, so there is stress from class work and extra curricular activities. My personal relationships are causing me a lot of stress and anxiety.

I see my ex around, but i’ve embarrassed myself enough and have learned to pretend as if he isn’t around. It feels as if i’m clinging to anything that seems promising in terms of relationships. I’m jumping in way too fast. I have been spending time with friends, but I feel so lonely. I know one of my needs is physical touch and I miss that SO SO much from a relationship. I had a nice conversation with a friend and started imaging what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with him. I do not find him attractive, but we laughed and shared a good time.I tried to keep our communication ways open, but I decided to distance myself because I finally knew he isn’t the type of person that I want to be with, but i’m very very lonely.

I met someone else who I really liked and found myself waiting around in certain areas for him to show up. It sounds very sad and desperate and I’m trying to deny it to myself and others, but I know when I am in these areas I am hoping to run into him. I did run into him after a few days and gave him my number. He seemed very excited to talk, but didn’t text. The next day, I ran into him again and we had a nice conversation that ended in a “high five.” This seemed very friendly to me. We were laughing and kind of flirty, but now i’m just worried that it may only be friendly. I know there is nothing I can do and I have so much trouble letting go of control. I actually really do find this person attractive. This person seems to remind me of my ex just a little bit as well and it seems like the less available someone is the more I crave their attention. I’m upset because this is the exact thing I told myself I would avoid in my next relationship. How do I slow down? My thoughts, my feelings, my impulsive behavior that results from these feelings? I nearly embarrassed myself asking the friend to hang out one night in an effort to have some physical touch. I am not the kind of person who can have no strings attached relationships, so why was I convincing myself it was a good idea? I don’t know what to do.

September 7, 2015 at 2:11 am #82992

Sann
Participant

Hi Annie,

I think it’s very recognisable for many of us, craving attention and closeness and physical touch.
I also struggle with that often.
For myself, what i have found, is that i divert all my attention away from myself towards others, and the more i’m craving those things, the more i’m out of touch with myself. And those times, what i actually need is to learn again to relax with myself, to be alone and be at peace with that, to be able to enjoy that. And then i can much easier have a genuine contact with others. Well, i’m learning this, i’m not good with this at all, i’m just learning that this is how it seems to work.
I too find it a lot harder when i’m busy, because that already means that we are running around to fulfill more external things, and there is less time to be with yourself.

Do you do any meditation?
For me, that is one of the main things that helps me the most.
If meditation is something that you do and helps you, or otherwise if you have something else that does you good (for me personally it is also very supporting to read, or to go for a walk, or to crochet…), perhaps it could help you to schedule time for that everyday, even though if it is short. It could help to stay with your own little things and perhaps divert you a bit from craving your ex and that other guy. Do things for yourself and the contact with that guy might go a lot easier, without feeling desperate for waiting for him around the corner.

Sorry if i put it a bit simplistic. I am just starting to learn in this area as well and wanted to share with you what i’m learning, don’t know if it is any good.

I’m sure there’ll be more people coming in with more sound advice 🙂

September 7, 2015 at 6:34 am #82997

Annie
Participant

You are right, Sann, that I have not been tuning into myself and am looking towards external things. I thought I was doing some sort of meditation while exercising. I do agree though that I need to learn to relax with myself so that I can make good decisions. I will try meditating in a way that is is just focused on meditation. I’ve been trying to sit with my thoughts. I believe I am just upset as I realized while writing this that I may not be in a relationship again for a long time. I know it’s for the best. I could pursue a relationship, but I want to try something new and have the guy initiate this time. I want the relationship dynamics to be closer to 50/50, rather than way off. Thank you for responding Sann.

September 7, 2015 at 7:54 am #82998
Inky
Participant
Hi Annie,

Wow, that takes me back! I have vivid memories of doing the exact same thing ~ being at certain place hoping to run into “him”! Don’t feel bad, we’re not crazy. My college room mate made a spreadsheet of her crush’s classes and where he was most likely to be at certain times of the day/week. Now THAT’S crazy!! LOL! What’s crazier is it (eventually) worked!!

If you crave touch, you can get a massage, or you and all your friends can treat each other to back and shoulder rubs. You can also be the hugger friend. Everyone likes a hug! Then you’ll feel more like a human being. After all, we don’t have to be in a relationship for physical contact! Even going to the hairdresser and getting a cut, and shampoo would be good.

Back to the guys. I don’t think seeing them or talking to them is necessarily bad! But if you’re going to do that, go all out like a Japanese dating sim LOL. Find SEVERAL cute guys on campus and “run into” and talk to each one! If you dilute the obsessiveness and treat it as a fun game/diversion it would be better for you mentally. In the meantime, you can also let other guys make the first move and talk to you!

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
September 7, 2015 at 9:40 am #83007

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

Your post strikes me with its honesty, insight and the telling of things as they are. My high five to you!

The fact that you waited for that guy doesn’t sound to me as “very sad and desperate.” To me it sounds as Annie needing to be loved. A normal human need encoded in our genes, preserved and encouraged through milllions of years of evolution. “very sad and desperate”? No, not at all.

If you see this, that your need is a need encoded in your genes, completely understandable, valid, accepted as such- by you- as you run around the campus and as you spend time alone, you will be less troubled by this need. You will have this need, only you will not have the negative UNTRUE judgment about it. That will ease this unnecessary distress.

anita

September 7, 2015 at 12:23 pm #83014

Annie
Participant

Hi Inky,

I laughed so hard at your friend making a spread sheet. I think that takes too much effort and quite a bit of stalking. I think I’d rather sit around and watch. Those are all great ideas, but I really would like a kiss now and then. HAHA There are many people who are interested in me, but I am not attracted to them. The people who I am attracted to, I never seem to get their attention? Not sure what’s happening. I also have a more extraverted personality when it comes to guys. Now, I’m a little bit more introverted and it just isn’t helping me meet anyone or move things a long. How is this stuff supposed to work? I’m afraid of “doing too much” and then not having the other person care or it being one sided. I am glad that i’m not the only one waiting around to run into someone :p I like flirting with guys, but it seems as if I just seem to intimidate the shy ones and scare them away and the more extraverted/athletic guys I can’t be flirty/open with? I like the athletes. lolz.

Hi Anita,

I do want to be loved, but I’m afraid of coming on too strong. I have done this in the past. Don’t guys like the chase? I’m not sure how dating/attraction works.You are right, a need is a need and I’m happy to have finally discovered what my true need it. It went unmet in my last relationship. I will definitely look for more in my next one. I guess I can just get excited of all of the guys I can meet now and flirt with.

September 7, 2015 at 7:01 pm #83025

TriangleSun
Participant

I have been spending time with friends, but I feel so lonely. I know one of my needs is physical touch and I miss that SO SO much from a relationship. I had a nice conversation with a friend and started imaging what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with him. I do not find him attractive, but we laughed and shared a good time.I tried to keep our communication ways open, but I decided to distance myself because I finally knew he isn’t the type of person that I want to be with, but i’m very very lonely.

I’m not going to suggest anything, but just wanted to say that feeling lonely doesn’t give you the right to play with someone’s feelings.

September 8, 2015 at 8:30 am #83046

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

Accepting your valid need to be loved is one thing. How to get it is another. Learning from your past experience you can, at this point, figure out how to go about it, more attentively. I found TriangleSun’s comment very interesting. In the quote he gave I saw no evidence whatsoever to you playing with someone’s feelings. The closest I got to such possibility was in yuor last sentence in your last comment above: “I guess I can just get excited of all of the guys I can meet now and flirt with.” Pay attention to the shy, introverted guys. When you flirt with them you are suggesting the possibility of a relationship. If you are sure such is not going to be with one particular guy, do not suggest otherwise by flirting.

There is a great opportunity for you, Annie, to learn as you have allthese interactions on campus available to you. While honoring your need for love, for he/she physical touch, you can focus on being curious, curious of how things work- and how they don’t work. Pay attention to every interaction you have with another, and interactions others are having with others, learn and get wiser and wiser…

anita

September 8, 2015 at 12:02 pm #83062

Inky
Participant

Hi Annie,

I was (am) an introvert too. And I did find love. And you did once. If it happened once, it can happen again, right?? There is no time limit, no “Oh, I better find a BF before college runs out!” My DD, for example, does NOT want to get involved in a relationship right now because it would interfere with her current Plan/ “Mission in Life” ~ to successfully get a Material Science degree. She doesn’t want a distraction!

I predict one day, when you least expect it, a quiet, yet in shape (LOL) guy will meet you. It will all work out. It usually does. 🙂

September 8, 2015 at 6:15 pm #83074
Annie
Participant
Hi TriangleSun,

I am very self aware and would not toy with another person’s feelings.

Hello Anita,

Yeah, I see how the shy ones would take flirting more seriously. I think people know that i’m generally just being very friendly and do have a flirty personality. I meant flirting with the people I find attractive and would be willing to date, but not feeling badly about it. I am curious to how things work, but hopefully can learn to deal with my loneliness in a calm mindful way. I am looking for patience, learn be happy being single, and waiting for the right person who can give me what I need and is a good match for me. I want to slowww down and not act out of neediness or fear. Yes, I need love, but I don’t want to get it short term or just from anyone out of desperation. I find it very difficult to build the friendship before the relationship. I don’t know if this works or not?…

Hello Inky,

Yes, It most definitely can happen again. It will be much more difficult, but also more rewarding. I’ve learned that I used to act out of neediness to such an extent that I could paint myself with anyone in a relationship. This would lead to unhappiness in both people and me trying to change them (This was all unconscious at the time). I guess time is time…There are good matches, but maybe I just need to let go of the idea of a relationship and learn to enjoy being single. I don’t know how to get rid of my craving for touch. That is wonderful! I too have learned to put more emphasis on my studies and my own success, but my relationships are important to me. Your last comment made me smile! Lol..I’m sure there are nice, cute, athletic, fun, shy guys out there.

A thought just came to me – maybe I like guys who have humility and are modest more than the “shy” guy.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
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