Annie – you say congratulations, thank you for your kind words but my feeling doesn’t feel that there is any congratulation. Rationally i know that i’m trying and that it’s a first step. But i feel as if i’m a little child, with all these skilled people around me (skilled in this social stuff), and that it is so obvious that they see that i’m just trying to say something, so they will reply in order to give me the illusion that it’s working. As a little child that’s coming with a drawing so everybody says ooooh and aaaah even though they don’t mean it (don’t know if that’s a good comparasion).
And i’m probably wrong in that way of thinking, they probably like it that i do some more effort instead of being dumb – but it’s hard to get rid of that feeling . I often feel so paranoid as if i’m living in a fake world where all behaviors of others towards me are acted and out of superiority, as if they have much more insight in the situation than me and they want to keep me in my illusion.

I think i need to look into something to do with other people. I’m already happy that i’m spending a bit more time doing things that i like, but it might be good to find something where i can meet people regularly. Not even a yoga course of six weeks where i don’t talk with them, but something with more interaction. Don’t really know what but hopefully i’ll find something. That might put things in a much different perspective.

Thanks gerrystribling for your advice. I feel i don’t laugh much anymore (how would you if you are by yourself most of the time), and i’m often too tensed to laugh genuinely when i’m with others, so i’ll try to find ‘Modern family’ or other comical shows.

Thank you all for your input and understaning..

Wow, thank you so much for your helpful replies – and i was worrying that my question would look really daft. But this is such a nice community 🙂

Nicole – i think you are right what you say to “Be open to seeing the world in a lighter way.”.
It is easy to see (but i forget easily) that when i’m with a head full of worries and body full of tensions, nothing is funny, whereas where i’m just in a lighter mood, i see the beauty and humorousness of many things very easily.
It’s funny to see when i think about things that i need, how each time meditation comes up as one of the main things to help me how to achieve it. So back to creating a meditation routine, i slip out of it easily sometimes when life gets busy…

Annie – i know that i have humor, i’ve had quite some difficult times in my life and humor helped me a lot to get through these things. Also a good laugh at all my strange traits is the best thing that helps me.
I don’t know if i’m really trying to come up with humor. Probably sometimes yes, and similar, trying to come up with things to say and then ending up not saying anything because i’m worried that it will sound silly. At the moment the only place of social contact is my work, and there i am already more tensed then usually. So i think it’s time to look for an other social activity that i like, perhaps that might help me to relax, and not let my work place not be the only thing because that’s definitely not healthy. I had read that article as well, and after reading it i decided to try to make a bit more chat at work, instead of first turning every sentence over in my head and then not saying anything. It certainly does feel uncomfortable and awkward but it feels good that i have a few exchanges with co-workers.

What i wrote about the mockery, is that it can be subtle and easy. And probably the way my parents and family used to (and still) be ‘funny’ at me. By pointing out things that i can’t and in a way that put me down and make me lose confidence in yourself – maybe i’m just too sensitive. That seems to be the only way that i learned. But now i do see some people who can point out your mistakes or flaws, in a loving way, in a way that shows that you are appreciated or trying to make you see something you could do differently. Or just lighten up a situation with some humorous input, without wanting to score themselves. And that is lovely. I agree – analysing it and planning it is not going to help. But i would like to be able more of the second type.

Anita – you are probably right, i think indeed i just need to relax. I used to try to act in a funny way – which consisted of acting like a silly little thing most of the time, which was definitely not good for my self-respect, and self-worth, because i started to believe in this role. So maybe it is good for me that i’m being a bit more serious and learning to take myself serious, like the capable adult that i am instead of putting myself down.

I was surprised a few days ago at work, where a collegue said something and the way i replied surprised myself. I don’t even know if they found it funny, but i felt it was one of these genuine moments for myself, where i suddenly got to relax and came up with something unexpected. I was surprised to see myself stepping out of my role of anxious, nervous girl for a moment, without thinking about it, and i could feel my body relax and get more cheerful while i was doing it.
Your question at the end of your post, is probably the crucial one for me in my life at the moment 🙂

I don’t know how to relax with others, because my work is literally the only place of social contact for me and i tend to keep turning over all these things in my head the whole day also when i’m off work. So i’ll need to work on doing that.
And i feel strange to suddenly try to act differently at work, i got into this pattern and persona of someone anxious, who is always rushing to do her work and not knowing how to stop for a moment to make a little chat. And then i worry about how it will look to others if i suddenly start to be totally different. Yes i think i worry a bit too much :-/
But anyway, i need to have a good look at what i can do to relax around others. That is indeed probably much more crucial than humor, which will maybe come natural if i’m relaxed.

Oof i’m not good in writing short pieces, the writing is helping me to get things more straight..
Thank you so much for your kind advice and insight 🙂

Hi, thank you so much for your kind replies.

Aurora Borealis, yes i have a therapist. I went to her several years in my country, and now we skype. I don’t know if it would be better to have a counsellor where i live, in ‘real live’, but she knows me so well, and knows what i need, that i don’t want to bother to try to find a new one, and it takes me ages before i trust somebody new. Also it would be very hard to find someone as good, because my therapist is specialised in BPD and works with this therapy. I have had DBT (Linehan) in the past, but need to refresh a lot of things, which is what we will start doing now.

Thank you for your suggestion, I have read quite a lot of articles here and forumposts, but i tend to forget all this quickly when i’m not doing well. So i will have a look again at some things 🙂

Aloma, you put it very nicely ‘it’s hard to tell if your BPD is affecting how you view your circumstances, and has something to do with your school and work difficulties, and finding your passion. ‘
I think i need to bring this up with my therapist, right now there are other more urgent things playing, but think i might quote you when i’m ready to look at it with her. I don’t have such a good way to say things.

And i guess you are right: i have many reasons to be happy with this job, and i do realise it, only now it’s getting a bit too tired for me and i’m getting impatient. But this job is enabling me at the moment to be in the country where i want, it’s good for me to have structure and purpose again, and all the collegues and bosses are very kind people, so i’m definitely happy with the place where i landed. And i agree with you, we have the option to go through our day with a smile and a positive attitute, or to complain and focus on the things i would like to have different. I will try to remind myself a bit more.
But i still would like to focus my energy on doing something what i like, because it could be good for my selfrespect and purpose, but i guess i’ll need to be patient and work on ‘surrounding issues’ first, and remember to smile in the meantime 🙂

Anita, Thank you for your comment!
Well done, it seems you have worked a lot to face your hurt and to learn new coping ways, to come this far! Wow!
I would love to ask you loads of questions 🙂
I agree with your view about the diagnosis, it is not something that we are, and although it probably has its uses for therapy purposes (amongst others). The danger of this diagnosis is that we identify ourselves with it and that way block our chances for healing and to really change something. I try to avoid it, but i think i also tend to do that, think in terms of ‘i am a borderliner so i will have to accept that i am this and that’. But i agree with you, i am not a borderliner, but i do have to work on many things and learn a lot of things. My therapist if very good, but it is me who will have to do it of course.

I like your way of describing it with the snowball, quite recognisable 🙂

It’s probably the most evident thing to ask, but would you like to tell me what you found helped you to deal with this hurt. And, i assume you had to learn a new way, instead of ‘unskilled living’ towards ‘skilled living’ – how was that for you? That seems so difficult for me because that means i have to really go against fears and certain very strong and rigid beliefs i have built up about myself – letting go of these beliefs feel make me so vulnerable and shaky.
Do you still struggle with these things, or do you find it all easy now? I mean, for example, sometimes i can manage for a while, let’s say a number of months, to be more mindful of the way i think about myself and focus on kinder self-talk and then sudenly, even when not much happens, e.g. a few days of more stress and it’s again all crisis and all self-hatred as much as you can – i probably don’t need to go into too much explanations. Do you feel that these kinds of things, have changed more fundamentally, or do you still have to be very, very careful not to step into those traps…?
Sorry if i ask to many questions, i’m interested to hear your story, as i usually only meet people with BPD who also just seem to be crawling in the mud.
Thank you very much for your reaction, and much respect to you to have come that far!!

Thank you all for your kind words.
Sorry for replying so late, that’s not very nice, i was trying a few times to reply, but even with writing i get blocked and don’t know what to say, if they are the right words…

@Shawnnash, what exactly is cognitive behavorial therapy?
I had, and am still working with dialectical behavorial therapy, which i think can help me but it seems to go very, very slow..

@love-beyond-reason, I don’t know if i understand everything you wrote, i will reread it now and then, maybe it becomes more clear.
I have also recently become more aware that the most important thing i need to do, is to be happy myself, and to do the things i like. So i’m trying to spend more time on those things, which is very difficult for me. I’m good at spending my time at doing useless work, or wasting my time, but to use my time on doing things that i enjoy, that i want to learn, that seems to be very hard. But i keep trying. I am starting to rent a little allotment garden, because i’ve always wanted to grow my own vegetables and don’t know anything about it. At the moment there is a lot of endless work with weeding, so i’m spending time on that. I’m going swimming again and trying to read more again, and other things. But i’m still slipping in my old habit very easily, of doing all other things and not to spend time and these things that i like.
And, although, even when i do some of those things, i’m not getting instantly happy. I guess i can not expect for such old patterns, to change immediately.

What you say, about acting authentic, i seem to have completely forgetten that. Most of the time i seem to be playing some little silly type, or hiding myself because i’m afraid of speaking up for myself. I hope i will find that back how to ‘act authentic’ because i have no idea how to do that.

I find it very encouraging that you became friends with people you were terrified of. I live in a small, sociable town and i’m thinking that one day i want to move somewhere else, because i’m afraid and paranoid of nearly everybody (without any reason for it), that i want to make a new start somewhere (which is escaping-behaviour, not very good) So it is nice to read that it can go differently.

@Will, yes the problem at the moment is that financially i can’t go to these events. I will start working next month and until then i have to be very careful with my money. When i’ll be working, i’m afraid i’ll be tired the whole time. I went a few times already to help, and it is hard for me, i don’t seem to be fit or physical enough, but i was completely tired.
Yes, i do come a long way! With social interaction and with myself, i tend to forget that when i get focused on what is not working right now. It is scary that these states can come back very easily (eg i struggle a lot with self-hatred, and this can come back suddenly, very explosive, like i hadn’t had in years0, i guess that is a sign that i’m not looking after myself well enough yet.

I find it very hard to, like you say, embrace that i’m socially awkward, but i guess you are right. Now i’m expecting from myself to behave like a ‘perfect’ person, say the right things, have the right body-posture… Well, that’s not fun for me and why would other people want to get to know somebody who is obviously full of tension and acting? Only, it is difficult to get rid of this pattern, it keeps happening. I don’t know how to relax around other people and i even stop thinking when i’m around others.