Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantLinarra,
I should have mentioned reiki (and anything ASMR) is rather awkward. Try this one instead, it’s more soothing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yX5Ztq1qkY&t=1890s
I too have had struggles gaining compassion from people, including authority figures so I understand. I feel compassion for you though! And I’m sure the right people will feel the same. 🙂 You deserve compassion. Kristin Neff can further help you develop self-compassion. I have this workbook of hers. https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Self-Compassion-Workbook-Yourself-Strength/dp/1462526780/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=kristin+neff+workbook&qid=1627783789&sr=8-3
Self- Massage tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=s2c4L6ovffg
Inner child meditation (If I didn’t send already): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2OfD00e6Tk
I agree, meditation is a hit or miss for me too. Sometimes, I get real into it and other times I can’t focus. I think the one minute mindulness trick is a good start for just meditating in SOME way each day. That way you can incorporate it even when you don’t feel like it most of the time. Ground yourself with your senses- smell, taste, touch, sight and sound. Here’s the Wheel of Awareness meditation by Dan Siegel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODlFhOKahmk
This is an article I wrote on the concept of surrendering: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-i-saved-myself-by-surrendering-when-everything-fell-apart/
In sum, that I mean by surrendering is to let go of control and embrace the unknown. For me, it’s spiritual. For anyone though it is just releasing need to control the outcome and allowing what it to come. Instead of giving up, surrender instead.
I have a Forbes article on it as well here: https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2020/06/24/how-to-let-go-of-fear-worry-and-indecision/?sh=76a26b4f7834
As for being stuck, it’s hard. I get it. Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed is a book where she gives advice to people pulling the best ones from her advice column. There’s a chapter on her explaining how she once tried to help young abuse victims get out of their abusive homes. The system was broken though and there was more money for runaways. She wanted to give them hope but realistic hope. She told them to hold onto whatever good they could and know that one day they could make their own life, even if they were stuck for now. It was sobering advice because she knew she couldn’t help all of them.
Here are some short excerpts: https://www.bustle.com/p/the-15-best-dear-sugar-columns-to-read-when-you-need-a-dose-of-compassion-inspiration-8849833
Here is her column in general: https://therumpus.net/author/sugar/
I’ve given you a lot to look over. Don’t feel like you have to at all or even have to do it right away.
Lastly, I hope you know I am happy to talk to you through all this as long as you need. While we don’t know each other, you are not alone.
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantLinarra,
I’m glad the film resonated with you. What hit me was identifying secondary emotion like anger and then getting to the root of it so primary emotions like sadness and disappointment. Then tying it all into self worth and trauma. I have a situation where I’m triggered a lot too and I get angry so I felt breaking it down helpful.
I’m glad you feel less alone and have a support system. I’ve only had inadequate therapists so I get it. Therapy isn’t for everyone either. For me meditation works. Today I listened to ocean sounds while journaling. This is my go to coping method because the sound soothes me as I calm myself and express things. I’m doing a lot of inner child work tho nothing has truly worked yet except for reiki and meditation. If you go on YouTube search “Asmr massage reiki energy plucking” I find energy healing very helpful and trust me I was a skeptic. I also pray a lot and my daily mantra is “I surrender!” To the universe or God or whatever you believe in.
I’m proud of you for making it this far and for coping the best you can with your mother. You need some type of emotional armor to get through it. Self compassion could work as that.
oxytocin is a love hormone that neglected kids get deprived of. But you can activate it through massage or self massage (look up methods), hugs or intimacy, deep conversations such as ours, petting animals and more.
My favorite thing to do is yoga with animals at a local animal sanctuary. I find the animals heal humans as humans heal the animals there.
I think functioning is difficult for everyone because there is so much pain and trauma in the world. It’s not your fault you feel this way. Perhaps your journey will help someone else.
You are covering a lot of ground with your journey of self discovery and gaining many resources. Just reaching out for help is a giant step! I admire your resilience.
Identifying your needs is another Journal prompt. What do you need from other people? How can you meet those needs yourself?
Lastly give thanks in advance for a problem to be solved. I thank God but you can thank whatever force you want. It tricks the brain into positive thinking. Act as if. Visualize it all better and receive those feelings even if it only lasts for a minute. This will help your depression.
oh and a minute of mindfulness is better than none. Try to be present for at least a minute a day where you observe and do not judge your thoughts. It helps to visualize them as leaves floating away from you in the breeze. This will help your anxiety.
Let me know how I can help further.
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantWatch this film. It’s called the Gift of Trauma. https://wisdomoftrauma.com/movie/?fbclid=IwAR1oKGyFVOg9ka0BXb7zw3YM3pLPI9BA02KAIbwAGkphFmJuRpEd2XqDxeI
Try this link if that doesn’t work: https://wisdomoftrauma.com/movie/
I’m watching it now. It’s very powerful. I’m not sure how long it stays free. It might be triggering though.
I’m glad you found Kristin Neff. Her resources are very helpful. Her books and workbooks are good too. I have one of her workbooks.
I’m so sorry you are being abused by your mom. This is horrible. And you feel stuck there.
I have no words for what you are going through and can’t imagine what it must be like. I feel so horrible for you. I wish I could say something to make it better but all I have to truly offer is that you’re not alone in this.
It’s not your fault that she’s abusing you. You did nothing wrong or to deserve it.
If it gets bad, there are hotlines and resources on Tiny Buddha’s free resources page.
I can’t give legal advice or tell you how to handle this situation in the eyes of the law, but it’s good to have a plan should she do things again. Be a step ahead.
If you can appeal to her, do that. Don’t fight fire with fire in the moment or trigger her. Try to distance yourself.
It may come in waves. She might act out then go back to normal often.
Share your pain with someone in your life. Talk to them. Talk to a therapist now. I can’t help you with the abusive situation but a therapist might have more resources and ideas. It’s creating new trauma and retraumatizing you.
I’m again so sorry you’re going through all this.
I have a narcissistic parent as well. I have an abusive past with boyfriends traumatizing me. I’ve been raped. I’ve been poor and struggled. But I’ve never been hit by a parent. I don’t know what that trauma is like and don’t know how I would handle that. I don’t think I could. I know what it’s like though to feel lost and lonely and confused and upset. I’m here for you. You are NOT alone in this.
You’re so proactive, it amazes me. Most people would be like “yeah I’ll check it out” and never do. You are actually helping yourself and reading stuff and learning about life.
I don’t have any other books or resources besides the movie I mentioned.
I wish I could help more. I see now why the positivity trick isn’t working. My trauma is all in the past. Yours is presently still unfolding. I see now why it worked for me and not for you.
What would you tell someone else in your position? start there. Self-compassion. That’s the best I can come up with.
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantHi Linarra,
What works for one person may not work for another. That’s why it’s hard to prescribe anything for the healing journey. Only you know yourself and what you need. Or at least you’re learning about your needs now.
I would say based on your last message that self-compassion is the area that you need to focus on. Your inner child healing, letting yourself feel emotions and cry and inability to truly let go (due to my positivity trick) shows me you’ve been so neglected you can’t function.
Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff is what I would recommend in this case, more than the other books I recommended. So the Try Softer and Tiny Beautiful Things, keep those on backburner. Get this book and see if it helps you.
Kristin Neff has a lot of tools on her website too.
Most of all, forgive yourself for feeling this way. It’s okay my positivity trick didn’t work for you. I feel very reassured by my little 222 signs and thinking it’s all going to be okay. But that’s me trusting just to trust (and also my faith impacts this part of my experience).
Let me know if you decide to look into Kristin Neff.
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantLinarra,
Yes it’s hard to read about all the suffering but it’s amazing that one man captured it so intellectually and then powerfully pleaded humanity’s compassion and resilience through finding meaning in their lives. I look to Viktor Frankl as a great example because mental illness can be torment as well. Sometimes physical torment (eating disorders, self harm etc). I think a lot of people give up because they are overcome by their mental health issues. As I said before, it creates a “tunnel vision” where you only see the negative.
Sometimes, you just have to give yourself PERMISSION to be happy. I discovered recently that I needed validation and a reason to be happy. This is backwards. You need to let yourself be happy. I think happiness is a thing we can choose as well.
What happened to me to have this realization- a friend of mine who passed away, well her favorite number was 222. I believe in signs sometimes so when I see 222 it’s like a little hello or nudge that I’m in the right direction. Anyways, I was feeling down and then my friend messaged me at exactly 2:22am (this and many other 222 signs happen to me a lot). I asked him if he did that on purpose because he knows what that means to me lol I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t realize he did that. Anyways, that 222 made me think “Oh. I can allow myself to be happy now. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I then turned on happiness like a switch, a power that I never knew I had.
What are some things holding you back from joy and happiness?
What if you just decided to let go and surrender?
Try a day of that Or if not, an hour. I’ll challenge you to try it. I was like “oh okay I am giving myself permission to be happy” and that literally changed my life. I never knew it could be that simple, that I am the one holding myself back.
What if you had a friend on the internet say a girl named Sarah who moderates the Tiny Buddha forum also tell YOU that “Everything’s going to be fine. You have permission to be happy.” (This person is me hint hint lol)
Would you believe it?
What if you just need to let it happen?
Your fears are valid. Your pain is valid. But so are the things that bring you joy.
Finding yourself is part of that. You said your “self” has been hidden and that being selfish is hard. Well happiness is a selfish endeavor and a worthwhile one at that!
I love what you write about. We have a lot in common with how we analyze character development and world building. I am excited for your projects and for you to find purpose in them. I explore a lot of wisdom in my writing so as to help others. But I am learning to be selfish now and find myself too.
We are all in this journey together. No one truly has it all figured out. Finding yourself is a lifelong process but you can grow to be your own best friend.
I believe in you and know you are on your way to figuring out what it all means, this life- to you that is. It means something different for everyone. I can’t give you a magical 222 sign from the universe, but I can say that you have what it takes so keep going. 🙂
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantLinarra
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate them a lot! I’m learning to forgive myself for being imperfect. I think we have similar struggles and are making our way out of similar things. I think it’s very brave of you to keep trying to heal and to find yourself and find answers. I’m proud of you for that.
I’ve read to page 61 of Man’s Search for Meaning. It is hard to think about, all that suffering. Logotherapy or meaning therapy is a very powerful tool. What do you think your meaning or purpose is? I’ve asked before but maybe you could elaborate, even tell me more of your dreams with your scripts. What is your ultimate aim?
When I was in high school going through a hard time, a thought that got me through it was “One day I’ll help someone else with this.” Well that thought led me here years later at the age of thirty to moderate Tiny Buddha’s forum as well as other things to help others.
But I have learned this- it is important- No, it’s crucial- you must be selfish too with your time on earth. I am writing a Young Adult Fiction novel where my character loses a friend to difficult circumstances (human trafficking is a theme). And she wants to dedicate her life to one day be an FBI person who fights for those causes. But she also wants to be a singer and she’s grappling between the two goals. One, for her friend. Two, just for herself. She’s afraid of being selfish. My goal is to show people there are always ways to help but the self must come first.
In your instances of life struggles, your self has been put last by abusers and even by yourself. You must forge an identity out of the struggles you are facing. Get to know yourself, your thoughts, your needs as you are doing now in this forum. It’s very important that you journal some thoughts challenging your negative ones. You can share them here too. I think that exercise will help you with what we all have- a negativity bias. A negativity bias is one where we see the negative more than the positive. It’s not to say you’re situation isn’t hard. But it’s also tunnel vision- that is all you’re seeing sometimes.
You didn’t have someone pour into you “Good job. I’m proud of you. You’re amazing. You’re worth it” all your life so you must be the one to do it now. Reparent yourself. It will be hard to change the self-talk in your head from negative to positive but self-compassion is key to changing your life.
Start with self-compassion. You came here to fix your problems, fix yourself. But maybe that’s not the ultimate goal. There will always be something of an obstacle in our way from finding true happiness even once we’ve found it. Try to love yourself, to grieve for the little girl who didn’t get love, to tell yourself words of kindness, to stop worrying about what you should be doing and how you should be acting or where you should be right now. Stop “shoulding” at all. 🙂
Meet yourself where you are- human. Imperfect but beautiful. Flawed and powerful. Bent but not broken.
You are enough as you are even if you don’t solve everything you came on here to solve. That will remain true. So don’t fret if you don’t have answers for the anxiety or depression right away. Replace your negative thoughts with ones shouting “I LOVE MYSELF” everyday. Try those meditations I told you about, join the facebook groups…there’s so much you can do. But at the end of the day, nothing can make you happy unless you learn to love yourself despite feeling like you’re a mess right now. You have to see the good in yourself. You have to build the “self” back up so you can be selfish in a healthy way.
Your mom might have ruined your mental health, but she did not take away your strong spirit. You have enough to get through this time. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. The uncertainty makes it worse. But you have one thing- a life that you can decide everyday. As Viktor Frankl says the last of human freedoms is the attitude you have. What will yours be?
Sarah
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
Sarah Jeanne Browne.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
Sarah Jeanne Browne.
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantHi Linarra
I understand anxiety and depression. Lately, I’ve been waking up in the morning cringing over past manic self versus now stable self (I have bipolar). I was on a rollercoster and now I’m able to focus. It’s just hard because I wasn’t fully in control all my life and some of the choices I made impulsively. So I feel like that has impacted my self worth. My mental illness was kept contained just enough that it didn’t totally ruin my life. I had a breakdown in 2015 and went on disability then.
I went from having a lot of friends and things to do to being scared of everything. Everytime my dog barked at something outside, I thought it was crisis department coming to take me to the hospital again. I was so traumatized not just by traumatic experiences in my life but the experience of being mentally ill and its consequences as well. I realized who my friends were and that they were few.
I didn’t lose interest in doing things, as you have described. But I was scared of everything. I’m doing exposure therapy with myself now with driving and being out of the house. I try to get out of the house as much as I can. I like walking outside. I’m an introverted extrovert- I can be social but I’m also very independent. I’m very independent though disabled. My living situation isn’t ideal either so that does make it harder.
I’m working through similar feelings so you aren’t alone. I don’t have an answer as to how to manage your anxiety or depression. I think that a therapist is going to really be able to help you. But the fact that you were able to analyze it at all is huge. That means you can uncover what is really going on.
So…all those thoughts you told me you are having making you anxious or depressed, it’s time to challenge them. Write down the opposite of what your negative thoughts are telling you. For example, “The worst thing will happen if I go out.” Now write “Even if things go wrong, I will be okay.” Stuff like that. This is how to train your brain to go from negative to positive, all what CBT is about.
If you can do this for next time, that would be a powerful step towards healing. Even if you don’t believe the positive things, getting the words down is important.
Go to that facebook group I just sent you (the last one), ask to join and put some of these thoughts you shared with me in the group. See if anyone has any other advice.
Also you don’t have to want to go out all the time or be super social to be happy. It’s perfectly fine to live how you want to live. But if it’s FEAR holding you back rather than simple disinterest then that is something to be worked with.
I have yet to start rereading Man’s Search for Meaning. I’m excited to though. I reference it a lot in my writing.
And that’s fine about the scripts! What is your first language?
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantHere is another facebook support group you can try: https://www.facebook.com/groups/578363766251188/
I’m sorry you have experienced such pain and turmoil. I have had generalized anxiety disorder then found it was related to trauma.
What sort of catastrophizing thoughts are you having during your anxious moments? Maybe start by recording your thoughts. Let me know how I can help. CBT might be helpful but it doesn’t work for everyone. CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy which I’m sure you’ve heard of. Challenge those negative thought patterns by first identifying them and naming your feelings.
Meaning- I know you are fearful of social situations but what about them is scary to you? Let’s break it down.
Same goes for your depression. What thoughts are you having at this time?
If you can pinpoint your thoughts which are influencing your feelings, then you’ll be able to uncover irrational thoughts hindering your wellbeing. Maybe spend a few days taking notes unless you can recall very clearly. There’s worry journaling where for 20 minutes you just write everything that you are worried about like a brain dump.
I have focus issues too due to stress and learning disability. I have ADD but it’s also trauma related. I’m figuring out how to navigate that myself. It sounds like things are just overwhelming to you and you’re having trouble functioning.
I think it’s time to ask for help. Professional help. You’re not in complete control. Try to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. That would help. Be upfront about your needs for feedback. I have to self advocate sometimes with mine but it works. And if you don’t like them, give them like a month and then switch. Use it to vent if anything like you are doing here. You need an outlet and sounds like you aren’t getting one in your social supports.
There’s also exposure therapy. Make small goals for yourself. Instead of jumping to attending parties or talking on the phone, see if you can go to a public place for an hour. Things like that. Come up with some doable goals but also don’t feel bad about yourself if you don’t make them happen. You don’t have to work like a machine.
If you ever want anyone to read your scripts, I can be a good coach or cheerleader (not an editor though lol). I don’t give out my email but my website is http://www.sarahjeannebrowne.com Click on contact page and submit an email that way to get my email address. I’ll reply and then you’ll have mine to send a script too. ONLY IF YOU WANT IM NOT TRYING TO BE WEIRD LOL
I’ll reread Man’s Search for Meaning and let me know your thoughts as you do too- either here or on email.
I’m proud of you once again. You are doing great things by taking small steps.
And your mom situation- well, when you figure out your anxiety and depression, that will get easier because you’ll know what you need to thrive. She’s not providing any emotional support so it’s hard when you feel defeated. You are doing better than you think. 🙂
Keep thinking about purpose. It’ll help you through the depression. I know it helps me.
Sarah
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
Sarah Jeanne Browne.
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantHi Linarra,
So what would you say are your disabilities? What aspects of every day life are hard for you? Are they learning disabilities or trauma based or both? Do you have anxiety or depression?
What does a typical day look like for you?
How often do you interact with your mother and father?
Lastly, what art do you do or are trying to do professionally?
What are things you like to do?
I’m asking to get a feel of your obstacles AND opportunities.
I’m so proud of you for all the work you’ve done on yourself. I wasn’t a psychology major, but I’ve learned a lot from researching and writing self help. Maybe it’s pulling you to help someone else. Someone like you.
You’re reaching your inner child. She is shining a light on the progress you have made. All you have to do is invest in self care.
I’ve become my own best friend. Like I said before, I’m living at home with my mom too and am on disability. I have no one really to turn to as a support system like friends or family for deep stuff. It’s lacking in my life too. But I do things that I like each day. I do stuff I enjoy. I live MINDFULLY. I took myself to Barnes and Nobles the other day, wrote a letter to my inner child then cried in the bathroom. I came out and read some self help books and felt relief. I had no one to share this moment with but I knew that I was developing a sense of self out of the madness. I was becoming more authentic and real with who I am and what I strive for, BECAUSE I know what it’s like to be without love or support. I am alone but not lonely now. Solitude has become my friend.
So something crazy happened to me recently. You know the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne? I emailed her team a sad email like “Why is there suffering in this world?” Well I got a personal response from Rhonda herself. A tease from the universe I guess. I have bipolar and she said her daughter has a mental illness too. She gave some encouraging words and I got to tell her my views on life and God. So…you never know who you’re going to meet!
I also was at a beach this weekend experiencing great grief for an ex. I was like “This is so overwhelming. How do I live without this person?” I got insights from that moment that I was able to put into an email once I received Rhonda’s when I got home that day. It was in synch in a way- my thoughts from the day at the beach and the opportunity to reply to an email from her personally.
Here’s what I thought of that day- I am not the only one who feels this way. Everyone is struggling in someone. We are all linked, all connected by our human experience of suffering.
Those people who hurt you did not get the best of you. They did not take away your beauty as a person or your potential. They may have made things harder, but you’ll find they affect you less as you walk this life with self-worth and dignity.
I do believe it is possible for you to get out of this situation. I do believe that life has more to offer you.
Your mom doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. She’s missing out on the most mature, honest, heartfelt, introspective and wise daughter…YOU. You are these things and more! She is missing out on a real best friend in you, not the forced emotional support you have to give her. She is missing out on those little moments where she gets to see you smile or laugh at things you love. She is missing it all. And that is her loss.
I know she’s in therapy but narcissists can manipulate therapists pretty easily. But it’s good she’s going at all. If you could write an unsent letter to your mom and dad, what would it say? Maybe make that your project this week. (You can share it here if you want to but don’t have to.)
Keep therapy searching. It’s taken five years for me to find someone who gives good feedback. so I guess it’s hard out there. Try it anyway. I got some good meditations from a therapist. one is a containment exercise where you put your negative thoughts and feelings in a container of your choice, imagining all its details then seal it away somewhere to deal with later or not at all. You can also adapt this into a “worry schedule” where you come back to your worries later. I discovered this on my own thinking “I’ll take a vacation from my thoughts. They’ll be here when I get back.” WELL it was worry scheduling and I didn’t know that term until I became a self help writer. Another is to go to your happy place in your mind and visualize it as deeply as you can.
Here is an inner child meditation a therapist once sent me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2OfD00e6Tk
You can search for more on youtube.
I love your openness to receiving advice and how responsive you are. I mean you are ON IT. For someone who is feeling held back in life, you have such a strong will. This tells me you are ready to heal. You are ready for life to change. You are ready for life to change you.
It’s beautiful that you’re chasing your dreams. We can’t know where that will lead us but it’s a very brave step. I’m proud of you.
You deserve love. A love that is warm and enveloping and open and honest. You deserve someone to uplift you and tell you how wonderful you are. You deserve friendships you can share your deepest hopes and dreams and fears without shame. You deserve a mom and dad who save you, not scorn you. You deserve it.
We all do. But often, life is unfair. So hold onto the goodness. Hold onto those moments that take your breath away. Look at the stars at night and see how small you are compared to the vastness of the universe but also that you are a part of it all. How splendid. Ask yourself, “What am I here for? What is my purpose?” It’s not what you do but who you are that matters. It’s not if you have a conventional life but a life of conviction. Can you live such a life? A life that you choose?
Because I see great things for you. You just have to keep holding on.
I’m going to reread Man’s Search for Meaning too. 🙂
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantLinarra,
You aren’t just taking steps to healing. You are taking leaps. Pretty soon you’ll be on top of the mountain looking back on the person you are now thanking her for getting you here.
Sounds like your mom is a narcissist. There are support groups for that such as this facebook one: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1443764532410920/?notif_id=1626611656633604¬if_t=group_r2j_approved&ref=notif
Let me know if that link works. 🙂 If not just do a search.
She’s inappropriately touching your private parts during manic moments where she doesn’t think anything of it? Intentional or not that is abuse. She seems like a very sick person. She is the one who has serious boundary issues- both physical and emotional. You deserve better. And it’s okay to forgive yourself for not knowing she was using and manipulating you as a child. You had to be the adult, the emotional support. Reminds of that Kelly Clarkson song “Because Of You.” I hope you know that you deserved love and attention and emotional support too. The childhood messages you received as being a burden well you are just started to uncover and deconstruct them but it will take time. I would revisit this issue with a professional if you can afford one. If not, note this is a major healing milestone- just to acknowledge one’s own suffering in life is important. You know the causes. You just need to go through the actual awakening of the person you were born to be.
That guy sounds awful though. I’m sorry you had trouble with that experience, esp as you were trying to be less avoidant. Nothing is worse than trusting again than being forced back into our shell.
As for not letting your mom go right now, you can still have boundaries of staying away from her. This might help – you cannot control or change her actions. So if they are triggering to you, remember that she will never change no matter what you say or do. It is not your responsibility to change her. You are her daughter but you are not hers. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.
Let me repeat that. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.
There are things you are uncovering about yourself that are I’m sure difficult to face. The fact that trauma affected your functioning as an adult is something many experience with narcissistic parents.
Forgive yourself for not being perfect or where you want to be at. Don’t associate it with your worth. The two have nothing to do with each other. You’ve lived through a lot and it’s still hard. But you’re not alone in this mess. 🙂
I understand what it’s like being stuck. Networking is a really great tool to finding answers though. For example, I’m a writer so I network with #writingcommunity on twitter. Or I join support groups like The Soulsisterhood I mentioned posts ago. I tell others about my struggles and they offer solutions.
I want you to try a visualization practice everyday. Focus on what you really want your life to look like. How would it feel like to be there? What would you need to get there? It doesn’t have to be a conventional life. Maybe you start a business or you partner with a person who has a following already or you build a brand rather than have a job. Fyi- I’m on disability living at home with my mom and I’ve used this time to build a brand image of speaker, writer and activist. I volunteer and am very involved. Volunteering is another way to get yourself in somewhere. It will also give you meaning and purpose to find things to do like this. You never know where it could lead. Maybe back to yourself 🙂
I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere! So message here as much as you need. If you want to read Man’s Search for Meaning, let me know if you like it. The other two books are on Amazon just search the titles. 🙂
Lastly, I know this is hard but see yourself. See your true self. See your beauty. See your worth. See that you’re a survivor. See that you mean something. See that you can make a difference. See that your story isn’t over yet. Because life has so much more to offer you. Everything could change tomorrow so why stop now?
I’m cheering you on.
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantI’m glad you are going to watch the meditations. Sorry the Breathe one doesn’t work. If you search it with Mimi Page, it might come up. And yes get “Man’s Search for Meaning.”
Some other books good for the soul:
“Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed.
“Try Softer” By Aundi Kolber (goes over trauma responses)
It seems like your trauma response is feeling like you’re a burden, desiring any attention even if negative because of neglect, guilt for boundaries etc. The next thing you need to do is connect these with childhood beliefs. Where do these stem from? Once you make that connection, soothe your inner child and change the inner dialogue by strengthening the inner adult and telling her what is really true. You are NOT a burden. You deserve meaningful connection, nothing inappropriate. You do not need to feel guilty for saying no. It will not bother people who are good. Repeat these statements as necessary. This would be a great journal prompt to explore further.
You were right to tell off that guy. It seems like you are really traumatized though because of how long you fought him off without just breaking it off. It shows me you have trouble saying no and goodbye. Make a list of things you do NOT accept anymore. Inappropriate touching is one of them. How will you respond if someone does this to you? Plan ahead of time. Will you tell them once and then see what happens? Or will you cut them off?
I think you need to cut your mom off and anyone else who traumatized you as a child. When you say she touches you…what does that mean? Like sexually or just lack of boundaries in general? Neither is okay.
Self-advocacy and self-esteem are the struggles I am seeing you have due to trauma responses. What are some kind things you can say about yourself? What do you deserve?
Know what you stand for or you’ll fall for everything.
I’m proud of you. I’ve been reading your responses here and am so amazed at how intentional you are to heal and how you take in everyone’s advice. Don’t exhaust yourself though in the process. Give yourself breaks too from this. It’s a lot to work through. People will understand if you don’t answer right away. I just wanted to give you that option in case you are in any form people-pleasing in this forum too. 🙂
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantHi Linarra,
I’m so glad you enjoyed the meditation.
Here are two more by Mimi Page-
Clarity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIgqED1o16M
Breathe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxtL–xOq_U
Here’s a quote I came upon recently: “If you’re unsure of your purpose in this life, look to your wounds. Where we are called to serve is where we ourselves have been impoverished.” ~Mira Hadlow
I love the book, Man’s Search for Meaning (by holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl). It explores finding meaning in the mess. I find it helpful for depression and trauma too.
Now that you’re reconnecting with your inner child and said things to her, what are some things she’d like to say to you? Try the reverse of what you did.
What childhood beliefs did you cultivate because of your trauma? What triggers you to feel these ways? When was a last time you had a trauma response i.e. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not or avoiding conflict etc. What triggered that trauma response? Can you connect it back to your childhood beliefs?
Then strengthen the inner adult. Challenge those childhood beliefs. If you were told to stay small and quiet and weak and disempowered, say “I’m allowed to take up space.”
It seems like your relationships don’t allow you to take up space fully. You struggle to share your pain in them or get meaningful responses. (Again here and that facebook group as well as any support group or therapist would help that). What if you tried to put together these thoughts you share here and express it to a close friend or family member you trust? What if you tried to be a little vulnerable and let someone in? Maybe not the whole way but just to let them know how you’re feeling. That way you feel less alone.
I was depressed as a child too. I had a lot of trauma from that time period as well. Your inner child listens to you. She knows you are saving her. 🙂 And you can and will save yourself.
I’m glad you’re seeing how far you’ve come. Give yourself some credit. You deserve it. Not many could be so strong.
You deserve to know how wonderful you are. I can already see by your writing you’re thoughtful, intelligent, resilient, empathetic and kind. You are self advocating in a great way already.
Journal your thoughts to these points. Take your time. Get to know yourself again. Your inner child is someone you will feel triggered time and time again due to trauma. that is normal for the healing process. The point of this is to understand your triggers and healthily respond with self-compassion.
Self-compassion can be hard to muster when you’ve faced neglect. That’s why communicating with your inner child is so important.
Hope that helps!
Sarah
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantFeel free to share your insights from journaling or inner child letter here! I can help you positively reframe your negative thoughts if you can identify then.
And yes please check out that meditation.
Healing is a process. it’s hard to know how to let people see our struggles. So I’m glad you found this forum. That’s a huge step. That facebook group I shared with you is helpful too!
Have a little faith in yourself. Look how far you’ve made it! Look what you’ve overcome! Sure, you’re not at the top of the mountain yet, but you’ve climbed a very far way from rockbottom. So look around at what you’ve got. Life is short. Don’t forget to live in the process of finding yourself.
We’ll be here as you do. 🙂
Proud of you!
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantHi Linarra,
I’ve been through these things too. It’s trauma adding to anxiety, lack of focus, closed off experience from friends and family (withdrawal), depression, fears, loneliness and more.
What helped me was sitting with the pain. Your brain is trying to escape from it OR freak out about it. You need self-compassion as you reparent yourself. It seems too like you are needing a deeper connection than your friends are giving you. It’s okay to be introverted or shy or awkward at the same time. We all worry what others think of us. 🙂
Functioning when you’re in pain is hard. I know. I’ve been there. I just turned my life around recently and started functioning and receiving again. I’ve been healing my inner child and figuring out how to be a normal person. But what is normal?
I just did a 180 and can face everything again. That tells me it could help you too.
I’m sending a virtual hug your way. You’re not alone in this thing.
What is something kind you can say to yourself right now as you go through?
What is something you can be grateful for?
How can you positively reframe your negative thoughts? I.E “I’m not enough” versus “I’ve always been enough.”
What childhood beliefs stemming from severe trauma can you challenge? See above.
Write a letter to your inner child.
Do things that bring you joy. Be your own best friend. For me, I love going to Barnes and Nobles and writing in their cafe and reading Sailor Moon manga. It’s simple and kinda silly the latter part of it but it helps with self care and helps me focus.
I would recommend therapy and a psych eval. See if you can find a support group in person or on facebook. Facebook support groups are awesome. There are self help inspirational ones too. I recommend The Soulsisterhood.
It sounds like you have PTSD too. That’s your anxiety lurking and lack of functioning skills. This is due to the trauma.
I’m glad you came to this forum and am proud of you for self-advocating. That’s the first step in any healing journey.
Thank yourself for getting to this point. You survived a lot.
You are not “less than” for suffering or having struggles. People equate their circumstances with their worth. Your worth is innate. You just have to see it.
You can turn around this life. You can start today just by showing yourself some kindness.
I can’t work right now either but I do a lot of self help writing and volunteer work. I’m on disability for bipolar and have a learning disability as well as add and ptsd and all the stuff you listed. I know what it’s like for disabilities to pile up on each other. You don’t have to be like everyone else to find your happiness.
Meditation is a great way to process trauma as you sit with your feelings. There are many guided ones online or apps. Here’s my favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8
Sending love and light your way.
You’ve got this!
Sarah Jeanne Browne
ParticipantJavier, I’m just checking in. Are you okay?
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
-
AuthorPosts