anita,

I really thought about not responding to your post but I’ve decided that this is one exception that I will make in regards to standing up for myself.

First you wrote you “think that the idea and initiative (and maybe execution) of his children to move out and be disinherited was yours, and that the idea to divide his money between your two daughters was also yours“.

Then you wrote “the abuse Emmet’s children suffer as well as your daughter Brit”.

How dare you?! To give advice from your experience or perspective is one thing but you have crossed the line with your implications and statements. I think it will take more years of therapy for you to be able to see that not all kids are the victims, sometimes THEY are the abusive ones (why else would there be juvenile jail), and that loosing your temper and yelling at someone isn’t an act of intentional child abuse, its being a human pushed past the point of endurance.

You need not trouble yourself with a reply as I will no longer be signing into Tiny Buddha site. Over your last few posts, you have been judgmental and insulting and thereby have broken whatever trust I had in opening up to you.

The next time someone suggests that you agree to disagree and move on, maybe you should.

Dear anita,

Alright, I’ve decided to face a barrier and see what I discover. Please feel free to ask whatever you’d like.

I’m online today so I’ll be here for your posts.

~Shipp

Dear anita,

I had hoped to be able to pop back online shortly after I left earlier but my day didn’t unfold that way.

Its ok with me that we disagree. I can respect that. I don’t doubt there will be other subjects where we have different points of view as well.

There’s another subject that I would like to post here. This post is a bit out of left field but it’s the underlying issues that I really want to work out.

I see some women that are always put together (hair, clothes, make up and accessories) and I am so envious. I can’t decide who I want to be so I can’t decide what it is that I want others to see when they look at me. Because I can’t decide, I have a lot of pieces and parts of nothing. Because I have pieces that don’t go together, I get frustrated and end up in sweatpants and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail.
So bottom line questions:
1. Why am I so insecure that I’m afraid to make a decision about what I want? I will admit that when I see other women, I do size up how they are dressed, etc. and in the back of my mind I, at times, think “is that how people see me?”. I fear how others see me.

2. I hesitate to express who I am because I don’t really like who I am. I want to be someone other than who I am… I just don’t know who that someone is.

3. I don’t do the little things daily in order to get what I want. I get lazy and apathetic and tell myself ‘oh, it really doesn’t matter.. its not like anything going to change anyway’. I guess I don’t really believe that I CAN make the changes that I want to.

4. Am I over thinking all of this? If women everywhere have these same issues, then why do I feel like I’m alone in this thinking? How can I MAKE myself do things differently?

I realize that if someone other than you reads this, they will probably thinks it’s trivial but it’s just an example of my inner conflict between what I want and what I actually do.

This is a post that I intend to come back to again and try to work through over time. I don’t expect it to be an overnight process but this is something that I’ve talked with a counselor about but made no progress.

Thanks for listening!

Until we talk again, take care of yourself

~Shipp

Dear anita,

Yep, it is but when put together, my name is shipp…and that’s my legal signature, which I really like, so I go by Shipp.

I understand where you’re coming from regarding therapy but unless she is willing to participate in the process, trying to force her would do more harm than good. There’s a long list of reasons why she is the way that she is, and most are not of her doing. I think Ive mentioned what a lovely person my ex husband is. I tried to stick it out for as long as I could (to try to get the girls old enough to make their own decisions because he always threatened tht he and his parents would take the girls from me if I left him) but when I decided that I was done, and just waiting for him to come back in town to tell him, Brit came to me and said that if I didn’t tell him to stay with his parents during his time in town that she would take her sister and they would stay on campus (she was in college) while he was home. That was instantly enough for me to realize that my daughter had been through enough too. Neither one of them will have anything to do with their father and it’s been 6 years since the divorce.

My youngest daughter (Ash) is married. She lives with her husband and my granddaughter in PA. She adores Emmett. She once told me that he is more of a dad than her father ever was. Sad but true!
Of Emmett’s 3 children, the oldest has royally messed up her life. The drama that we went through with her 2 years ago has put a major rift in the relationship with Emmett. They still Facebook comment but it was my who contacted her, when we found out about the Parkinsons, and asked her to call her dad. Same with the youngest, contacted him too to call.
The middle (daughter) and youngest (son) used to stay with Emmett temporarily.. about the same time that we started dating. He couldn’t handle them. So I did. I told them that they would get out of bed before 2 in the afternoon, if they didn’t want to get jobs then they could do something around the house to be useful, there would be no more drugs, and if they were caught stealing from their father again they would be kicked out. I was a mean person, so they went back to live with their mommy again lol. Now keep in mind that they are all between the ages of 18 and 21 at the time. I was working 2 jobs and running 2 households (mine and Emmett’s) and he was working 60 hours a week or more.
I think he’s sad, not that they don’t keep in touch, but that he thought he raised them better than how they turned out to be. He’s disappointed in all three. They’ve really just used him for all that they could get.

It’s similar to the situation with myself and my family. He loves them but it’s too painful and too much drama to be around them. I don’t expect them to come around again until they think that they can get something (financially) from Emmett or his estate. That’s why he’s in such a rush to get an airtight Power of Attorney and Will in place. He wants to make sure that they can’t touch anything that we have if something happens to him. And he wants to make sure that Brit gets the house and Brit and Ash divide what’s left, if something happens to me. He says that his children have already TAKEN everything that their going to get from him. And, yes it’s sad but it’s true.

Oh, update:

Told nephew today that the house is going back on the market after Thanksgiving. He still has the option to close, if they can get cleared to but I’m not waiting indefinitely. Yay me!! lol

Daughter decided to do some cleaning today (some people do Spring cleaning but I do Fall cleaning spree) so we cleaned baseboards, doorways, on top of shelves, did laundry, swept, vacuumed, scrubbed, the works. It was her idea. Go figure lol.

I don’t have any deep thoughts, questions to pose or discoveries to share for this post. I think I’m still in recuperating mood tonight. I’ll post again tomorrow.

Until we talk again, take care of yourself

~ Shipp

Dear anita,

Yes, indeed you were lucky to have so much time with a good therapist! It sounds like you were able to learn enough from him to be able to carry on afterwards.

I haven’t posted in a few days because I had an emotional overload. Anger, frustration, helplessness… all kept rolling around like a pinball machine that I couldn’t control. I kept trying to breath and gain some control.. and then my daughter (25 but lives with us) decided to get an attitude with me over something stupid. I even very calmly told her “I’ve had more than I can take right now so just drop it and walk away. We’ll talk about this later”. Well, she can’t leave things alone.. just gonna have one more smartmouth, insulting comment. You’ve heard of the straw that broke the camels back? Well, I don’t even remember what she said but it flipped the trigger… I went off. I told her (and I’m omitting all the cuss words but you can probably guess where they fit in) that she could get a job, start paying her own car insurance and bills, and if she didn’t like that then she could move.

By this time what little control that I had over the original emotions was gone. I bawled for almost an hour and cried so several hours after that. Self talk was stuck in severe negative mode and I felt too numb to be able to change it.

It all stemmed from the situation of selling our other house to my nephew. This situation has been dragging out since July. The closing was supposed to be the middle of October, then the first week in November. It keeps getting pushed back, first due to the realtor, then due to the lender, then due to my nephew, then due to the inspector (who is now MIA and no one can get in contact with). My nephew already lives in the house, this would be buying his first home, so I’m trying to be patient. I keep saying “how much longer am I supposed to wait before I say enough is enough?” But I keep getting told “oh just hanging in there a little longer”. Now, the house is actually Emmett’s from before we were married but I have handled all of the details (1. because I used to do this for a living 2. It’s my nephew 3. Emmett does handle legal matters well). So Emmett wants the house sold so that he can have funds for his medical treatment and he wants to make sure his financial matters are firmly settled before his condition deteriorates (he wants me and our assets protected from being challenged by his children).

So bottom line: I’m caught between 1. Nephew (thinks we should give him unlimited time for the closing and tries to guilt trip me when I say “well, maybe we should just say ‘it can’t be done and call it quits'”.. which means he would have to move so we can sell to someone else) 2. Husband (complains all the time about the delays but doesn’t do a thing to help the situation.. won’t talk to my nephew or our realtor, etc) 3. Daughter (cannot see that she is being taken care of and is not grateful for anything.. yet is steadily making plans on what to spend money on once the house sells.. oh and she complains anytime Emmett mentions something that he wants to buy when he house sells (I’m thinking IT’S ALL HIS MONEY!!!)).

I feel like I am surrounded by ungrateful, selfish people who all expect me to either keep giving them what they want or they expect me to solve their problems for them because they are too immature to step up, make a decision and DO something on their own.

Background story: When I was 17, I was homeless and lived out of my car, and when I lost my car..a bench. I was still in high school (A+ student) and worked a job at the same time. Then and since then, I know what it means to work hard (that’s how I ended up with the heart attack). I KNOW what it’s like to have nothing! I don’t care about Emmett’s money, or the houses or the cars or the toys. I’m grateful for things like kind words or deeds, my dog who snuggles with me, a roof overhead to keep me safe and dry.. small things in everyday.

Sorry, I get so angry and frustrated with the people in my life (who are supposed to love me) who keep pushing and demanding more. I swear that I want to run away from home sometimes!

Part of me feels guilty. When I had the heart attack, I made the decision to take a year off from working to see if by reducing stress I could go a year without having another heat attack or another stroke (I’ve had 2 strokes and a TIA Over the last few years). I also have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, thyroid problems, board line diabetic, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, and a blood defect called APS. All discovered within the last 2 years. I’m only 47 years old. I wanted to see if I could give myself a year to heal some. I feel guilty because I feel like I should be working and brining in my own income instead of living off of Emmett’s money. I feel like a hypocrite telling my daughter to get a job when I’m not working (even though she’s 25, has a college education and I think she needs to get out in the world). I feel guilty because I’ve always worked hard and now I’m not, but when I apply for a job posting, I’m scared of another heart attack or stroke.

Ugh!! I know that I’m rambling. I know my thoughts are scattered and that I’m jumping all over the place. I just needed to vent. I know things will get better. I know that I have so much to be thankful for.. and I am grateful. I just get twisted up sometimes and need to get it all sorted out and then I’m fine again.

SO:
My nephew.. I can either wait for the closing or kick him out and start all over with a new buyer. Chances are better by just waiting a while longer before calling it quits especially with the holidays, it would be difficult to find another buyer and close.
My husband: Tell him that I’m doing the best that I can and that I, personally, can not do any more than I am. Tell him that HE is welcome to take over the situation at any time and it won’t hurt my feelings one bit.
My daughter: Is a work in progress. She’s come such a long way since she’s been living with us again. She’s so much like her father and his parents that it flips my trigger all the time. Patience, love and firmness are needed here. I do not want her to move out, we just need to work on the job situation and personal boundaries.
Myself: I need to breath, spend some time alone, (away from all the crap) and focus on tomorrow being better than yesterday.

So how did I do? Lol

Thanks for listening to me vent. Pretty soon your going to start charging me by the hour for shrink advice lol.

Until we talk again, I hope you are well.. take care of yourself

~Shipp

Dear anita,

Reading your post brought tears. I’ve never heard the phrase ‘path walker’ but it hit me deeply. For so many years I’ve been trying. I started out trying to figure out how to deal with my circumstances. I then started trying to figure how to deal with my past. This lead me to trying to figure out my future. I now am beginning to figure out my ‘Now’. People in my life criticized me so much for my efforts. They never understood. For you to consider me a fellow path walker touched me. Thank you!

As I read other’s posts that touch on something within me, it’s like I recognize a barrier in front of me. As I open myself, in order to respond to them, I pass through that barrier. As I pass through that barrier, I have to face myself and this helps a small wound heal.

This is such a time of discovery and evolution for me. I have learned so much about myself by posting here and working it out. I’ve learned from your thoughts and insights. I’ve learned from what others post and by responding to them. All of this and Emmett’s condition has caused a shift within my family and how we interact with one another. It’s a strange sensation to be in the middle of this discovery and be fully aware and present while it’s happening.

I don’t know what part of the world you are in but I’m in the USA. Next week is Thanksgiving for me. I am humbled this year because I have so much to be truly and deeply thankful for. Do you remember in my first post I mentioned that I wanted a much deeper quality of life? I’m in the mist of experiencing that now and discovery more each day. The richness of acceptance by others, the amazing gift of understanding and forgiveness, the closeness that is developing with my family, finding a kindred spirit and fellow path walker… and so much more. I am humbly greatful.

Through the this process, I have been able to accept responsibility for the times when I have been wrong, find some forgiveness for myself and I’ve been able to forgive others who I felt wronged me. There’s a tremendous amount of peace in this process. I’m finally making the breakthroughs that I’ve wanted for a long time.

I realize that my thoughts in this post are scattered. The weather has turned cold and rainy so I’m curled up on the couch, in comfy sweatpants, with my dog sleeping. My daughter is curled up in her chair and we are watching TV. It’s a nice cozy day so my thoughts are floating around today. In this moment, I understand the difference between happiness and feeling true joy. Most people (myself included) say they seek happiness. I think it’s true joy that they are missing. Appreciation for the almost perfect moments that are present every day, if you are attuned to them.

Ok, I’m finished with my ramble for today, lol. I just wanted to capture these thought so that in time, when I need to, I can come back here and remind myself of all the blessings I have.

Until we talk again, take care

~Shipp