I think I want to do something solitary I was a barber for 20 years and now a chef  in a busy cafe a job I wouldn’t do unless I owned the business. So I think a nice methodical solitary job is in order for the rest of my days

I think it is that, but surely I must care about something and someone I’d be a pretty awful person if I didn’t. but I do behave pretty awfully so I’m told maybe that is why perhaps I don’t really care I’m just too afraid to be alone

I think it was when I was laying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my life

I have rushed into every situation that I have found myself in to be honest with massive responsibilities and consequences. I have lived through them all and dealt with the hand I was given. But throughout all of it I just don’t know whether I was or am doing it for the right reasons and motives. I feel so guilty about this as there have been many lives affected by my actions

Can this recounting of my life help? I don’t know where it’s leading me is it just good to talk it all through. I always feel I need a definitive answer to my life problems

Hi thanks for your reply the only time I do feel ok is when on vacation. As you said the pressure I put on myself keeping my business successful is immense but there is no other way to do it that I can see. My children are at school and can not help. My business is a cafe where I am the chef I have tried to employ others but they are really not as good quality as I am. I think I will need to re think this business and look for another with a better life work balance.

I am one of two siblings I have an older sister of 2 years. I lived with both my parents until I was 10 years old, that was when my father moved out. He left to live with a woman who was  part of a family which we had shared occasions with. These at the time was seen as normal to me I suppose as I did not know what life was about. I do know that my memories of mum and dad are always of extreme shouting and swearing which I did not know what it was being so young it looked and sounded pretty violent. My life has always been a tapestry of lies people being part of my life but who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers. I grew up in a home where my mother and father fid not sleep together, my father slept in my bedroom at night whilst I was put to bed with my sister in my mothers bed. My grandparents lived next door and my sister and I would spend sleep every night there enabling my mother and father to go out which I thought normal. At the weekends Fri-Saturday we would sleep at my aunts and Sunday my great uncle would babysit us at our home the only night spent in our own home. Are you ok with this Anita it seems as though I am writing my life story which is good as my therapist and I often go off track.