February 23, 2022 at 8:57 am #393522
I have 5 children with 3 mothers. 2 daughters with my first wife my son from his mother and 2 further daughters with my second wife. After I parted from my first serious girlfriend I met my first wife which started off as purely sexual she was 16 and I was 20 she fell pregnant and we were the talk of the village in which we live the baby was terminated but not long after with both of us feeling pretty dreadful and wanting to put things right we found ourselves having another child. As I write this now I don’t think I have ever stopped to think of what any of that actually meant at the time or the implications of my actions. it was my life and it was being played out in public in our local pub alcohol assisted I was not mature enough to deal with any of it. I I don’t know where to stop with this it seems I’m writing my life story.February 23, 2022 at 9:18 am #393527
“I don’t know where to stop with this it seems I’m writing my life story” – keep writing it, a bit at a time, when it’s quiet around you and you are not rushed. Write your story as clearly as you can, one sentence at a time with punctuation, and a period at the end.
No reason to rush, there is no time-limit or length-limit on any one post and no limit on number of posts per thread that I know about: there are threads on these forums with more than a 100 pages per thread. Your thread is only on its 2nd page.
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 9:36 am #393528
Can this recounting of my life help? I don’t know where it’s leading me is it just good to talk it all through. I always feel I need a definitive answer to my life problemsFebruary 23, 2022 at 10:00 am #393536
“Can this recounting of my life help?” – I don’t think it can hurt. It may help.
“It’s just good to talk it all through” – good to talk is a good thing.
“I always feel I need a definitive answer to my life problems” – you don’t yet have a definitive answer at 49. I imagine that you rushed the search for such an answer many times before and failed to find your answer. The problem is in the rushing. Give your search for a definitive answer some time, be patient.
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 10:12 am #393537
How did you become so wise Anita. I have always rushed every decision of my life that’s why I feel it’s all a pretence.February 23, 2022 at 10:26 am #393538
Stop rushing and you will get wiser and wiser. Do you want to elaborate (not in rushing manner, please!) on the “I feel it’s all a pretence”?
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 11:15 am #393540
I have rushed into every situation that I have found myself in to be honest with massive responsibilities and consequences. I have lived through them all and dealt with the hand I was given. But throughout all of it I just don’t know whether I was or am doing it for the right reasons and motives. I feel so guilty about this as there have been many lives affected by my actionsFebruary 23, 2022 at 11:33 am #393541
“I just don’t know whether I was or am doing it for the right reasons and motives” – without figuring right or wrong, what were your reasons and motives in making the major life choices that you have made so far, in your life?
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 11:37 am #393542
To not be aloneFebruary 23, 2022 at 11:49 am #393543
As a child, when did you feel most alone: when staying in your grandparents’ home? In your aunt’s home? In your mother’s bed as your father slept in the other room? Or when your great uncle babysat you while your parents were out?
Did you feel more alone when with your father, or when you were with your mother?
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 11:53 am #393544
I think it was when I was laying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my lifeFebruary 23, 2022 at 12:02 pm #393545
Imagine having someone to talk to now, what would you say?
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 12:12 pm #393546
I’d say please don’t leave meFebruary 23, 2022 at 12:19 pm #393547
In your original post, you wrote: “on the outside you’d see mr successful father husband good guy but I’m so low so so lonely and I’m out of ideas to keep the pretence going” –
– is it that you pretended to care about anything or anyone while you only cared about not being alone? That is, your life is not about anyone or anything other than the panicked rush to not be left alone?
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 1:08 pm #393548
I think it is that, but surely I must care about something and someone I’d be a pretty awful person if I didn’t. but I do behave pretty awfully so I’m told maybe that is why perhaps I don’t really care I’m just too afraid to be alone