February 23, 2022 at 2:10 pm #393550AnonymousGuest
“I do behave pretty awfully so I’m told“- do you behave awfully, and if so, will you explain how awfully, examples perhaps?
(I will be away and back to the computer in 4-5 hours from now).
anitaFebruary 23, 2022 at 6:52 pm #393622HelcatParticipant
I hear that being a chef is a very demanding job. It must be tiring being on your feet all day. Do you experience any physical pain? If so, it might be worth discussing with a doctor. Even for fatigue alone, surely it couldn’t hurt getting a check up.
Since you are the owner, if space allows would you be able to get a seat to rest when possible? I hope that you have some comfortable shoes and someone helping you serve customers. It seems incredibly challenging to run a business, be a chef and raise 5 children.
February 23, 2022 at 7:33 pm #393625
- This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Helcat.
Hi helcat it’s extremely demanding being a chef making sure all of the meals go out on time together hot and presentable. My place is so busy I am flat out from start to finish there is not any time to sit down. I have waitresses to serve the food I try and wear comfy shoes maybe I should look for a new career.February 24, 2022 at 1:39 am #393626HelcatParticipant
That sounds like a good plan. Have you any ideas what you might be interested in pursuing as a career alternative?February 24, 2022 at 1:45 am #393627
I think I want to do something solitary I was a barber for 20 years and now a chef in a busy cafe a job I wouldn’t do unless I owned the business. So I think a nice methodical solitary job is in order for the rest of my daysFebruary 24, 2022 at 2:54 pm #393674
My wife tells me I behave awfully as I swear at her and belittle her at work. I really don’t mean to I have mental health issues and I am so worried our business will fail I feel I am the only one feeling this way no I am the one holding it all together. I worry so much I lash out with verbals and everyone suffersFebruary 24, 2022 at 3:31 pm #393704AnonymousGuest
In your original post, page 1, you wrote: “on the outside you’d see mr successful father husband good guy“.
On your most recent post, page 3, you wrote in regard to your wife: “I swear at her and belittle her at work… I lash out with verbals” – well, that’s not a “mr. successful husband good guy” on the inside or on the outside, is it?
“I don’t mean to I have mental health issues” – did a professional evaluate you and diagnose you with specific mental disorders? Are you receiving any treatment, and do you believe that your mental issues absolve you from personal responsibility for abusing your wife?
anitaFebruary 24, 2022 at 3:41 pm #393709
No it’s not mr successful I feel far from successful I feel a fraud and useless. I feel so bad about my behaviour but it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults it happens so fast. I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder for which I am taking medication and receiving therapyI don’t see it absolves me at all, the fear of losing control is so overwhelming I abuse everyone I hate myselfFebruary 24, 2022 at 3:54 pm #393716AnonymousGuest
You need a better psychiatric treatment than what you are receiving ASAP, and you need psychotherapeutic treatment as well. For as long as you are abusive to your wife and to your school-age children, they need to be protected from you by living separately from you ASAP, and your wife needs to not work with you.
anitaFebruary 24, 2022 at 3:56 pm #393718
I see I didn’t know it was that bad now you make me feel like killing myself thanksFebruary 24, 2022 at 4:25 pm #393731AnonymousGuest
To verbally abuse your wife and children, to swear at and to belittle them, and feel that you are not in control of this behavior… is that bad. I hope you kill the abuse, not yourself. I have nothing to add. I wish you well.
anitaFebruary 27, 2022 at 11:49 pm #393844TeeParticipant
I have been following your thread, and there is one thing that I would like to comment on, that stands out to me. It is about lies and pretense, that you say have been at the center of your life:
My life has always been a tapestry of lies, people being part of my life but who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers.
I’m so low so so lonely and I’m out of ideas to keep the pretence going… I feel it’s all a pretence.
You said that your parents have always kept their lives secret from you:
I feel my parents have always kept their lives private from me and we only communicate on a superficial level
You say your parents were almost never at home at night, and that you slept 4 nights a week at your grandparents, 2 nights a week at your aunt’s, and only once per week (on Sunday) in your parents’ home. You also say your parents didn’t sleep together, and that they fought a lot. This would suggest that when they went out at night, they didn’t go out to party (or at least not together), but went out for some other reason? Perhaps to attend some business? Did they work at night?
You also mentioned there were people in your life “who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers.” Perhaps your parents were hanging out with bad company? And maybe that’s why they were keeping secrets from you, which made you feel that your life is a “tapestry of lies”? I am just throwing in ideas here, not claiming any of this is true. Just trying to piece together parts of your story, to understand it (and you) better.
You don’t have to answer any of this if you don’t feel comfortable. But if there is some truth in what I am saying, I think it would help you to put together a true story of your life (you can write it for yourself, on a piece of paper), so that you can finally take account of your life. Also, it would help you to see and understand yourself better, thus answering your own question: What’s my purpose? Who am I?
The reason I am saying all this is because it seems to me that when telling your story, you at first tried to dress it up a little, to make it seem nicer than it really is.
For example, at first you said that you have a wife and 5 children, which would suggest that all of your 5 children come from the same woman: “I have a wife 5 children a successful business and I own my own home”. But later you said: “I have 5 children with 3 mothers”. This paints a different picture…
It’s not that there is anything wrong with having 5 children with 3 different women. It’s just that you might have felt uncomfortable mentioning it at first, and so you omitted it, to give a different impression of yourself.
Or another example: you say you don’t really know if you are a good husband and father: “I find myself questioning myself always all day everyday… are you a good father, good husband, good son.” A few posts later, it turns out that your wife doesn’t really think you are too good of a husband (“My wife tells me I behave awfully”), and you yourself admit that you behave badly with her: “I swear at her and belittle her at work”. So it seems that you are aware that you aren’t that good of a husband, but still, at first, you were uncomfortable to admit that, and so you described yourself as a good husband, or as uncertain if you were a good husband.
I am not saying this to criticize you or anything like that, but merely to point out that you might have a tendency to keep certain things hidden, perhaps even from your own awareness, so not to feel the pain of it? Things might have been hidden from you in your childhood, you have been lied to (“My life has always been a tapestry of lies”). So maybe you are now hiding things from yourself (and others), trying to keep the pretenses? Trying to prevent things from crumbling down? (I’m out of ideas to keep the pretence going.)
If so, the answer is in becoming completely honest with yourself, perhaps admitting to yourself certain things that you feel afraid to admit. Whatever it is, know that you are not a bad person, but you are hurt. And your behavior (e.g. belittling your wife and swearing at her) is a defense mechanism, to protect yourself from pain. But of course, as in any unhealthy defense mechanism, it creates more pain, both for yourself and others.
it seems as though I am writing my life story which is good as my therapist and I often go off track.
I think it would help you to write a true, raw, not dressed-up story of your life, and show it to your therapist. And discuss it with him/her. Your therapist should have enough empathy and compassion to “hold” you and your story, without judgment. I think this would be a key step in your healing…March 29, 2022 at 7:38 pm #396499iamoneParticipant
There are two purposes to life: to live and to love. It’s when we start thinking we have to live up to some imagined competition that we get into trouble. If you are living a lie, you need to own up to it and speak your truth. You need to fully accept your life as it is, your feelings as they are, and commit to living an honest, humble life. You need to be grateful for everything, every day. If you feel your life is pointless or joyless, it is because you are blind to the reality of what you life is and what life is offering you. I think digging into your past can sort of be a waste of time. Here is a letter I read elsewhere, and he much more eloquently and patiently expresses what I just said.
Hello my friend,
My name is Wind in Vietnam. I would like to gently share some ideas and questions with you. Everything I share is only to invite your curious quiet contemplation within yourself. If you choose to. After share, everything depends on you to choose this or that.
Sometimes the door to escape all troubles and suffering is so close my friend, but what blocks each people from walking through it? Because though they may say, They Know. They understand. They can not give up their story that binds them inside to an illusionary self created prison to practice everything.
When was the last time you sat down face to face with yourself and everything in your life before you ran to old habits for an imagined temporary feeling of safety?
Do you think that when the Death appears, it will care about all your study, wanting, hoping, needing, anxiety, depression, worry, your dreams… and show compassion and time with you?..
Do you think ‘the time’ is beside you like the friend, waiting with you in all your suffering and wanting?
Suddenly the Death appear, do you think you can hold and bring all your PhD, doctorates, dreams, worry, anxiety, tablets, wishes and wants through the door?..
The Death care about your study? You are important with the time and Death?
My friend… questions are for you to patiently face and contemplate if you choose to. Why the difficult question has value? Because from the question creates occasion for everything to open.
Now you are the man of 42. Can you answer, what is the law that controls each and every Soul that comes to the life? Why at 42 you are still here but many did not even get past one hour of life?.. What law controls?
One day the man plants a fruit tree in the ground.. A special tree he chose. He like so much. He dreamed of the tree becoming so big and beautiful and many fruit. Each day he water, take care.. Always checking every day its height. The leaves.. Everyday he watching, wanting it to grow. He begins impatiently. Inside him he sees the imaginary tree so big. He begin praying to make it grow and everything will be ok. Inside, he begin all sorts of suffering in the wanting. He can not sleep, always checking, worry something wrong.. He think, why not growing? Is it sick? Too slow, too slow….
My friend… In this small example story.. Did you see you?
What is the mistake of the man?
His mistake is he did not see that the tree must follow the law of tree. That everything takes place according to the Law and on the time, with enough details and conditions, everything appears. Not early or late, but on the time.
What is the cause of the suffering? From grasping in imaginary outcomes.
In each imaginary outcome from grasping at what is or not and what if… Each person did become like the man running through the desert trying to keep a piece of ice in their hand.
The door to escape is to drop all grasping in the wanting. Have you ever tried to catch the space around you in your hand? You will only most certainly tire yourself out.
From imagine, everyone did invite the appearance of all kinds of illusionary trouble and sickness.
Now you are the man of 42.. You good mind, study.. do everything for your life.. But you did not understand anything about yourself. And the purpose of the life. Means, in the grasping, you mistake with you.
What is the nature and root purpose of any job, from a President to a Beggar? Only to earn for ones life. Everything else is only the appearance. And so.. when we lose ourselves to the appearance of the life, we begin to lost ourselves inside.
Whether the man is happy with the tree growing or angry with the tree not growing does not change the Law of tree. So what happens inside the effect or grasping and wanting? You lose yourself to your emotions that become like strings controlling a puppet. From your dominating emotions attached to the grasping, you volunteer your Soul into slavery. You lost the time becoming attached to the prison of KEEPING. Keeping false ideas, thoughts, opinions, fears.. That develop into all kinds of different names..
Each persons life is like the fruit tree. And the name of the law that controls each tree is the cause and effect law. No one can know what fruit will or will not appear until it appears. Fruits equal effects.
Behavior is the most important detail. Behavior with yourself in each moment. As each idea, thought, action becomes the seeds for effects tomorrow or another time. But no matter what.. effects always come right without discrimination.
So from your grasping, your wanting of this and that… What will be your effect you invite?
Stay in the purpose of your purpose and cut the habit of grasping. And……….. Everything will take place.
Relax with your life. The life. How is too relax? Relax means to see everything as it is and accept everything as it is now. You see that like the tree, the life is always moving and changing on the law. That all possibilities appear on the time. You either begin wake up and practice to create space inside by removing all false obstructions, for these possibilities to have the right conditions to grow and develop..
Or… from your grasping in fears, desires of imagine.. of wanting.. you grow weeds that suffocate the space inside.
My friend.. No one can imagine that all they need is the courage to NOT KEEP.
KEEP, may have many different appearances but the effect is always the same. As, what you keep, keeps you. Now at 42… You must (must means if you choose to) begin wake up and see the limit of all things and the deeper value of the life.
Even if I wrap my body around the tree in fear or happiness.. Does not change the Law of tree.
I borrow an example from early in my life to describe idea… As my Father died.. when he knew he was going to die at 26.. He said, ‘It’s ok’
Inside Its ok, has the big lesson my friend past the appearance. Means, inside the nature of Its ok, is a complete acceptance of ones life. Its ok mean, we are not against the circumstances of our life. We accept everything that is or is not and peace and balance in any situation that comes or not come.
My friend.. from 2 small words you can see the great value if you can quietly inside and put the idea beside your life. Whether the job appears now, or a year.. Its ok my friend. You only stay in good purpose, good behavior with yourself in each moment. You do everything good in prepare and courage and confidence in each step… Then you will see, that everything will take place.
Must courage to get of the wheel of habit like the mouse run and run.. But did never go anywhere. The wheel of always a slave to emotions. And begin see everything from another corner. The space of awareness. Awareness burns the dark inner clouds of emotions. The life has many appearances.. but all suffering regardless of the appearances come back to the emotional attachment to grasping in the life.
Not one tablet, not one worry, not one moment of lost sleep, not one imagined outcome… can add one second to your life my friend. I have… I am.. I want… are all small prisons for the Soul.
All attached to emotions…that run deep like the roots of a tree.
Begin to overcome yourself by opening your hands with the life. Begin practice gratitude in each action. as gratitude creates the space for balance in the acceptance of your life. The value only appears in the positive action.
All your fears, are the effect from your View. As by the view you use, so it exists exactly. Grasping in the appearance of imagine, dominated by emotions we become like a person searching for keys in a dark room.
Where is the light my fiend? The light is your awareness. Awareness needs energy. You have awareness but not the energy because your so busy with your emotions, which are like a thief that continuously robbed you in broad daylight but you did not see.
These words can not save you. Do not attach to the words but focus on the content inside.
As……Only you can save you or destroy you.
So I share..
You must courage to begin drop all grasping. Drop all grasping does not mean we lost purpose. But inside the purpose we see the limit of the life. Of all things. The movement of the life.
We see at the same time, that the purpose of the life is to pay and receive equal with our cause and effect. To practice to grow up our Soul and awareness and overcome everything. To release the grasp on illusionary objects and outcomes that become our false idea of real and continue to lead the soul deeper into confusion.
My friend.. Now at 42… If you can quietly with ideas. You have the great occasion before you. The life always has 2 faces… That is the law of the physical space we live. When everyone stands in happy, means sad waits. Everyone says, I love, means hate waits. Everything feels so good, means the face of bad waits.. All from emotions attached to a discriminative View.
When you have the courage my friend to face to face with YOU. You life. Not an imagined life from, WHAT IF. And begin fresh steps towards putting everything down inside. Letting go of all grasping attached to false thinking and ideas.
Put down the inner discriminations and judgements of everything is either good or bad and just see everything as it is.. And practice inside the idea of ITS OK.
You can not imagine… the possibilities that will begin to appear inside. They were always there… just like the Sun is always bright.. even when obstructed by dark clouds.
Now is the good time for you to begin forget an imaginary past and bring your eyes back into your own eyes to see everything that is right now. To awake in each step.
I share from sincere experience. You must choose. You continue to push up your story of difficult to be your illusionary prison of real. Lost in the circle of talking and repeat.
Or… you begin focus on clearing and cleaning everything inside and put down your attachments to wanting. Begin the courage to break up everything. Like a fire burns a forest of all dead wood and creates the fresh occasion for the new to appear.
Everything wait for you my friend. The life wait for you. Your possibilities wait for you. All you need to practice is to release your strangle hold on all your grasping and wanting and needing and imagined outcomes and come back to yourself in sincere acceptance of NOW.
Once there was this Lion. She had a cub. She was starving and the cub too. Each day she was hunting but kept missing. After miss, she just rested quietly under the shade.. wait for tomorrow.. days passed.. she kept missing.. starving.. But, after miss.. always relax in shade. Save energy. On the time, when everything connected.. She caught they prey. Her situation change.
Like you my friend.. Do not scare…
Must courage to peace in the unknown. peace in the uncertainty. Courage in the not knowing. Drop all grasping.
So.. on the time when all the right right conditions and details appear.. You are ready with the energy you need to do everything equal with the occasion. Confident. Balanced. Faith from your positive actions.
Its ok. Everything will take place. It is your duty to overcome you. That is the duty of the man to overcome everything.
My friend.. These ideas should only be seen like strange rocks on the path of your life. To curious, to see, pick up, understand and practice is always your free choice.
As each life, depending each person courage to self perfect = each destination.
I wish you good luck.
Thank you so much,
Wind.May 17, 2022 at 8:24 pm #400564AnonymousGuest
How are you, Simon?
anitaMay 17, 2022 at 11:37 pm #400575
I am well thank you for asking