May 18, 2022 at 7:26 am #400583AnonymousGuest
Did your depression improved since you last posted, and is the following behavior under control: “it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults it happens so fast”?
Anything you’d like to share, please do.
anitaOctober 1, 2023 at 11:30 am #422618
[quote quote=396499]There are two purposes to life: to live and to love. It’s when we start thinking we have to live up to some imagined competition that we get into trouble. If you are living a lie, you need to own up to it and speak your truth. You need to fully accept your life as it is, your feelings as they are, and commit to living an honest, humble life. You need to be grateful for everything, every day. If you feel your life is pointless or joyless, it is because you are blind to the reality of what you life is and what life is offering you. I think digging into your past can sort of be a waste of time. Here is a letter I read elsewhere, and he much more eloquently and patiently expresses what I just said. Hello my friend, My name is Wind in Vietnam. I would like to gently share some ideas and questions with you. Everything I share is only to invite your curious quiet contemplation within yourself. If you choose to. After share, everything depends on you to choose this or that. Sometimes the door to escape all troubles and suffering is so close my friend, but what blocks each people from walking through it? Because though they may say, They Know. They understand. They can not give up their story that binds them inside to an illusionary self created prison to practice everything. I share.. When was the last time you sat down face to face with yourself and everything in your life before you ran to old habits for an imagined temporary feeling of safety? Do you think that when the Death appears, it will care about all your study, wanting, hoping, needing, anxiety, depression, worry, your dreams… and show compassion and time with you?.. Do you think ‘the time’ is beside you like the friend, waiting with you in all your suffering and wanting? Suddenly the Death appear, do you think you can hold and bring all your PhD, doctorates, dreams, worry, anxiety, tablets, wishes and wants through the door?.. The Death care about your study? You are important with the time and Death? My friend… questions are for you to patiently face and contemplate if you choose to. Why the difficult question has value? Because from the question creates occasion for everything to open. Now you are the man of 42. Can you answer, what is the law that controls each and every Soul that comes to the life? Why at 42 you are still here but many did not even get past one hour of life?.. What law controls? A story.. One day the man plants a fruit tree in the ground.. A special tree he chose. He like so much. He dreamed of the tree becoming so big and beautiful and many fruit. Each day he water, take care.. Always checking every day its height. The leaves.. Everyday he watching, wanting it to grow. He begins impatiently. Inside him he sees the imaginary tree so big. He begin praying to make it grow and everything will be ok. Inside, he begin all sorts of suffering in the wanting. He can not sleep, always checking, worry something wrong.. He think, why not growing? Is it sick? Too slow, too slow…. My friend… In this small example story.. Did you see you? What is the mistake of the man? His mistake is he did not see that the tree must follow the law of tree. That everything takes place according to the Law and on the time, with enough details and conditions, everything appears. Not early or late, but on the time. What is the cause of the suffering? From grasping in imaginary outcomes. In each imaginary outcome from grasping at what is or not and what if… Each person did become like the man running through the desert trying to keep a piece of ice in their hand. The door to escape is to drop all grasping in the wanting. Have you ever tried to catch the space around you in your hand? You will only most certainly tire yourself out. From imagine, everyone did invite the appearance of all kinds of illusionary trouble and sickness. Now you are the man of 42.. You good mind, study.. do everything for your life.. But you did not understand anything about yourself. And the purpose of the life. Means, in the grasping, you mistake with you. What is the nature and root purpose of any job, from a President to a Beggar? Only to earn for ones life. Everything else is only the appearance. And so.. when we lose ourselves to the appearance of the life, we begin to lost ourselves inside. Whether the man is happy with the tree growing or angry with the tree not growing does not change the Law of tree. So what happens inside the effect or grasping and wanting? You lose yourself to your emotions that become like strings controlling a puppet. From your dominating emotions attached to the grasping, you volunteer your Soul into slavery. You lost the time becoming attached to the prison of KEEPING. Keeping false ideas, thoughts, opinions, fears.. That develop into all kinds of different names.. My friend.. Each persons life is like the fruit tree. And the name of the law that controls each tree is the cause and effect law. No one can know what fruit will or will not appear until it appears. Fruits equal effects. Behavior is the most important detail. Behavior with yourself in each moment. As each idea, thought, action becomes the seeds for effects tomorrow or another time. But no matter what.. effects always come right without discrimination. So from your grasping, your wanting of this and that… What will be your effect you invite? Stay in the purpose of your purpose and cut the habit of grasping. And……….. Everything will take place. Relax with your life. The life. How is too relax? Relax means to see everything as it is and accept everything as it is now. You see that like the tree, the life is always moving and changing on the law. That all possibilities appear on the time. You either begin wake up and practice to create space inside by removing all false obstructions, for these possibilities to have the right conditions to grow and develop.. Or… from your grasping in fears, desires of imagine.. of wanting.. you grow weeds that suffocate the space inside. My friend.. No one can imagine that all they need is the courage to NOT KEEP. KEEP, may have many different appearances but the effect is always the same. As, what you keep, keeps you. Now at 42… You must (must means if you choose to) begin wake up and see the limit of all things and the deeper value of the life. Even if I wrap my body around the tree in fear or happiness.. Does not change the Law of tree. I borrow an example from early in my life to describe idea… As my Father died.. when he knew he was going to die at 26.. He said, ‘It’s ok’ Inside Its ok, has the big lesson my friend past the appearance. Means, inside the nature of Its ok, is a complete acceptance of ones life. Its ok mean, we are not against the circumstances of our life. We accept everything that is or is not and peace and balance in any situation that comes or not come. My friend.. from 2 small words you can see the great value if you can quietly inside and put the idea beside your life. Whether the job appears now, or a year.. Its ok my friend. You only stay in good purpose, good behavior with yourself in each moment. You do everything good in prepare and courage and confidence in each step… Then you will see, that everything will take place. Must courage to get of the wheel of habit like the mouse run and run.. But did never go anywhere. The wheel of always a slave to emotions. And begin see everything from another corner. The space of awareness. Awareness burns the dark inner clouds of emotions. The life has many appearances.. but all suffering regardless of the appearances come back to the emotional attachment to grasping in the life. Not one tablet, not one worry, not one moment of lost sleep, not one imagined outcome… can add one second to your life my friend. I have… I am.. I want… are all small prisons for the Soul. All attached to emotions…that run deep like the roots of a tree. Begin to overcome yourself by opening your hands with the life. Begin practice gratitude in each action. as gratitude creates the space for balance in the acceptance of your life. The value only appears in the positive action. All your fears, are the effect from your View. As by the view you use, so it exists exactly. Grasping in the appearance of imagine, dominated by emotions we become like a person searching for keys in a dark room. Where is the light my fiend? The light is your awareness. Awareness needs energy. You have awareness but not the energy because your so busy with your emotions, which are like a thief that continuously robbed you in broad daylight but you did not see. These words can not save you. Do not attach to the words but focus on the content inside. As……Only you can save you or destroy you. So I share.. You must courage to begin drop all grasping. Drop all grasping does not mean we lost purpose. But inside the purpose we see the limit of the life. Of all things. The movement of the life. We see at the same time, that the purpose of the life is to pay and receive equal with our cause and effect. To practice to grow up our Soul and awareness and overcome everything. To release the grasp on illusionary objects and outcomes that become our false idea of real and continue to lead the soul deeper into confusion. My friend.. Now at 42… If you can quietly with ideas. You have the great occasion before you. The life always has 2 faces… That is the law of the physical space we live. When everyone stands in happy, means sad waits. Everyone says, I love, means hate waits. Everything feels so good, means the face of bad waits.. All from emotions attached to a discriminative View. When you have the courage my friend to face to face with YOU. You life. Not an imagined life from, WHAT IF. And begin fresh steps towards putting everything down inside. Letting go of all grasping attached to false thinking and ideas. Put down the inner discriminations and judgements of everything is either good or bad and just see everything as it is.. And practice inside the idea of ITS OK. You can not imagine… the possibilities that will begin to appear inside. They were always there… just like the Sun is always bright.. even when obstructed by dark clouds. Now is the good time for you to begin forget an imaginary past and bring your eyes back into your own eyes to see everything that is right now. To awake in each step. I share from sincere experience. You must choose. You continue to push up your story of difficult to be your illusionary prison of real. Lost in the circle of talking and repeat. Or… you begin focus on clearing and cleaning everything inside and put down your attachments to wanting. Begin the courage to break up everything. Like a fire burns a forest of all dead wood and creates the fresh occasion for the new to appear. Everything wait for you my friend. The life wait for you. Your possibilities wait for you. All you need to practice is to release your strangle hold on all your grasping and wanting and needing and imagined outcomes and come back to yourself in sincere acceptance of NOW. Once there was this Lion. She had a cub. She was starving and the cub too. Each day she was hunting but kept missing. After miss, she just rested quietly under the shade.. wait for tomorrow.. days passed.. she kept missing.. starving.. But, after miss.. always relax in shade. Save energy. On the time, when everything connected.. She caught they prey. Her situation change. Like you my friend.. Do not scare… Must courage to peace in the unknown. peace in the uncertainty. Courage in the not knowing. Drop all grasping. So.. on the time when all the right right conditions and details appear.. You are ready with the energy you need to do everything equal with the occasion. Confident. Balanced. Faith from your positive actions. Its ok. Everything will take place. It is your duty to overcome you. That is the duty of the man to overcome everything. My friend.. These ideas should only be seen like strange rocks on the path of your life. To curious, to see, pick up, understand and practice is always your free choice. As each life, depending each person courage to self perfect = each destination. I wish you good luck. Thank you so much, Wind.[/quote] hello are you still active on this siteOctober 1, 2023 at 11:30 am #422619
Are you still active on this siteOctober 1, 2023 at 11:31 am #422620
[quote quote=400583]Dear Simon: Did your depression improved since you last posted, and is the following behavior under control: “it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults it happens so fast”? Anything you’d like to share, please do. anita
[/quote]hi are you still active on this siteOctober 1, 2023 at 11:32 am #422621
Hi are you still active on this siteOctober 1, 2023 at 6:17 pm #422629
Yes, Simon, I am still active on this site and I will read and reply to your recent post in about 12 hours from now.
anitaOctober 2, 2023 at 9:07 am #422634
You started your thread February 22, 2022 (2-22-2022), sharing that at almost 50 years old, being a husband and a father of five (4 daughters & a son/ 3 different mothers/ 2 daughters with your 2nd/ current wife at the time), owning your own home, and your own business (a very busy cafe where you were the chef, an extremely demanding job, being on your feet from start to finish), you have been very depressed and feeling very lonely for more than 30 years; that if one was to see you, one would see a “successful father, husband, good guy“, that you didn’t know how “to keep the pretense going“. I replied to you on the same day, and we communicated for 3 days in the first 3 pages of your thread.
You shared that you noticed that you were troubled around 18 years of age when you had your first serious girlfriend whom you did not trust and whom you lost due to your infidelity. “Whoever I was died with my first girlfriend leaving me, my paranoid personality took over and I’ve lived a lie ever since“.
You were in therapy at the time, and your parents’ breakup was discussed, a breakup that happened due to your mother’s infidelity. You felt that your parents and you communicated superficially, and did not share a deeper connection than that of the surface level. You remember “extreme shouting and swearing” between your parents, which “sounded pretty violent“. Your parents didn’t sleep together: you and your sister slept in your mother’s bed while your father slept in a different room (your room). Your parents were out a lot at nights, and extended family members either babysat your sister and you, or had the two of you stay in their homes. Your father left your mother when you were 10 and your sister was 12, to live with a different woman who was part of the family.
On Feb 23, you shared: “I rushed into every situation that I have found myself in, to be honest, with massive responsibilities and consequences. I have lived through them all and dealt with the hand I was given. But throughout all of it I just don’t know whether I was or am doing it for the right reasons and motives. I feel so guilty about this as there have been many lives affected by my actions”. I asked you why you rushed, and your answer was: “To not be alone“, and later, you added: “I’m just too afraid to be alone“.
You shared that you remember feeling alone “lying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark, wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my life“. I asked you, if you had someone to talk to, what would you say, and you answered: “I’d say please don’t leave me“.
You shared: “My wife tells me I behave awfully as I swear at her and belittle her at work. I really don’t mean to, I have mental health issues, and I am so worried our business will fail. I feel I am… the one holding it all together. I worry so much I lash out with (words) and everyone suffers… I feel so bad about my behaviour, but it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults, it happens so fast. I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder for which I am taking medication, and receiving therapy. I don’t see it absolves me at all, the fear of losing control is so overwhelming I abuse everyone I hate myself”.
This was all communicated Feb 22-24, 2022. On May 17, I inquired about you, asking you how you felt, and you replied that you are well. On May 18, 2022 (4th page), I asked you if your depression improved and whether your verbally abusive behavior is under control and you never answered. One year and 4.5 months later, you returned to your thread quoting my last reply to you (May 18th), and another member’s reply, but not sharing anything about how you feel and how your life is.
Having read our past 3-days communication, it was pretty intense and I want to be more gentle with you (not judgmental of you) as we resume our communication, if you are willing. At the time (Feb 2022), you were physically exhausted from overworking as a chef in your own business. Your diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) caused you- as I see it- to not hire help in the kitchen, feeling that hires will not do a good enough/ perfect job. At the time, you were considering a different, less demanding job. You felt that your life was rushed for 30 years, ending up with too many responsibilities, more than you were able to handle with any sense of contentment or peace of mind. You feared losing control and sometimes you lost control, lashing out at your wife (maybe at other people as well?), feeling guilty about it but also, that it was out of your control (“like I have Tourette’s”)
How are you, Simon? Is your life objectively different (different job, marital status, etc.) and/ or subjectively different (how you feel on an ongoing basis)?
anitaNovember 1, 2023 at 7:16 am #424004StephanieParticipant
Hi Simon, I’ve just read through all the posts. Hope you are doing better now. You were so brave opening up like that, especially to people you don’t know – that took a lot of guts – especially admitting to shouting at your wife and kids – I wish my Father had recognised that his shouting and getting mad at us was wrong. I just wanted to say, thank you for sharing that as in some way it kind of made me feel a bit better – hearing someone own up to that, especially someone with a conscience who recognised it was wrong and was brave enough to disclose that on here.
. Thanks again Simon 🙏🏼November 14, 2023 at 12:12 pm #425020
Thanks for that Stephanie, if I have anything; which some may say does not make things better I have honesty and openness. I ask for help and guidance from which I try to learn and be a better person and if doing so has helped you at all then that’s great. I just wish I could feel I am of some purpose in myself I feel so redundant of no use. I feel I make no contribution to life whatsoever I just want to feel.November 14, 2023 at 12:14 pm #425021
I don’t know how to reply individually to replies on this forum.helpNovember 14, 2023 at 12:21 pm #425022
Dear Simon: You are doing fine. Simply address the member you are responding to, just you did above: “(member’s name)____..response to the particular member.