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What’s my purpose who am I

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  • #393364
    Simon
    Participant

    Hi all I’m Simon I’m 50 this summer and I’m almost done with this life, look I’m not going to end it or anything but I am so so depressed it’s been like this for 30+ years. on the outside you’d see mr successful father husband good guy but I’m so low so so lonely and I’m out of ideas to keep the pretence going. I don’t know how I’ll get through to the end whenever that may be all I know is it’ll be a long drawn out affair which is why it needs to stop now before I’m out of time.

    I have found myself on this site after typing into google who am I what is my purpose, pretty sad. I have a wife 5 children a successful business and I own my own home but still I am so depressed I summon the energy to work but I come home get in bed and sleep. I find myself questioning myself always all day everyday why are you doing this job, how did you get to this point, are you happy doing this for the rest of your days, do you know what you are even doing are you a good father good husband good son. Why don’t you know your parent better your children better yourself better. I am done with al this I just need to find some peace. Any ideas?

    #393367
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    You ask yourself: “are you a good father good husband good son. Why don’t you know your parent better“? – before you were a husband, before you were a father- you were a son.

    I am so so depressed it’s been like this for 30+ years” – you are 49 now, so you started being depressed way before you were a husband and a father. You were depressed as a teenager, maybe as early as a preteen, or earlier, and that was in the context of being a son.

    Why don’t you know your parent better“? – can you tell me what you mean by not knowing your parent better? I have a feeling that there’s a lot in this question/ answer that can give you the peace that you need.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
    #393369
    Simon
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Anita I started to notice I was troubled maybe not depressed when I was around 18 years of age with my first serious girlfriend. I developed trust issues and consequently lost my girlfriend due to my infidelity. I have had and I am currently having Therapy which always goes back to my parents break up due to my mothers infidelity and always being told how to think and feel about myself through my early teens. I feel my parents have always kept their lives private from me and we only communicate on a superficial level I feel others perhaps share a deeper connection with their parents. I look back and feel that whoever I was died with my first girlfriend leaving me my paranoid personality took over and I’ve lived a lie ever since.

    #393376
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    You are welcome. “I feel my parents have always kept their lives private from me” – but you knew that something was wrong with their marriage, and that something was wrong within the family. But you didn’t know exactly what it was…?

    We only communicated on a superficial level I feel others perhaps share a deeper connection with their parents” – not for lack of trying on your part, I am sure. You tried to communicate with them on a deep level, you tried to make them feel as connected to you as you felt connected to them, but they rejected your efforts, didn’t they?

    With my first serious girlfriend. I developed trust issues” – that was when your trust issues in the romantic context developed, but in the parental context, your trust issues were already established, weren’t they.

    Consequently, lost my girlfriend due to my infidelity…  I look back and feel that whoever I was died with my first girlfriend leaving me my paranoid personality took over and I’ve lived a lie ever since” – paranoid of what might have been really happening in your first girlfriend’s life when not in your presence… and earlier, knowing something is wrong at home, within your family… but not knowing what it is?

    anita

    #393377
    Simon
    Participant

    You’re very good at this Anita I wish I could move on from this position it’s now ruining my life as always as it always has I’m so miserable

    #393386
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    Thank you. I am sorry that you are miserable and have been miserable for so long. It so happens that I- like millions of others- have known misery myself- too much unnecessary misery. In the context of your thread, we can communicate for a long time, and maybe, just maybe I can be of a little help to you. If you are so inclined, tell me: what was wrong at home, growing up… and/ or share with me anything else that you think is relevant.

    anita

    #393404
    Simon
    Participant

    I am one of two siblings I have an older sister of 2 years. I lived with both my parents until I was 10 years old, that was when my father moved out. He left to live with a woman who was  part of a family which we had shared occasions with. These at the time was seen as normal to me I suppose as I did not know what life was about. I do know that my memories of mum and dad are always of extreme shouting and swearing which I did not know what it was being so young it looked and sounded pretty violent. My life has always been a tapestry of lies people being part of my life but who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers. I grew up in a home where my mother and father fid not sleep together, my father slept in my bedroom at night whilst I was put to bed with my sister in my mothers bed. My grandparents lived next door and my sister and I would spend sleep every night there enabling my mother and father to go out which I thought normal. At the weekends Fri-Saturday we would sleep at my aunts and Sunday my great uncle would babysit us at our home the only night spent in our own home. Are you ok with this Anita it seems as though I am writing my life story which is good as my therapist and I often go off track.

    #393414
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    I need to take a break from the computer, will be able to read your recent post and reply in a few hours. Feel free to add anything you feel like adding at any time. I will eventually read all and reply.

    anita

    #393417
    Simon
    Participant

    No problem Anita thanks for your time. Where are you located if I may ask

    #393420
    anita
    Participant

    Located in the USA. Be back later.

    anita

    #393502
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    I did not understand this sentence: “My life has always been a tapestry of lies people being part of my life but who were often spoken of with distaste among my peers” – can you list a few of the lies you are referring to? I will be back to your thread in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #393505
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Simon

    Anita is giving you some really great feedback. I’d like to consider the practical aspects of your lifestyle.

    My immediate concern is overwork. Various circumstances can mean that a level of work we were previously capable of is no longer feasible.

    Could you take a vacation and see how you feel after taking a break?

    What would you like your lifestyle to look like? Is it time to involve children in the family business? Would you like to reduce your hours? Would you like to retire at some point?

    It sounds like you’re a good person who puts a lot of pressure on yourself. If taking things a bit easier helps you get through your day. I think you’ve earned it!

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Helcat.
    #393511
    Tommy
    Participant

    A person wants stuff. When he doesn’t get it, he suffers. If he gets it then the satisfaction doesn’t last long. It becomes what is the next thing that will make him happy. This is the pattern. And, when a person has these thoughts for years, it build momentum. It develops deep roots and seems to take over. The first noble truth, life is suffering. What is the truth about suffering? And can one escape or become free from suffering? What is the path to liberation?

    #393520
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    You shared that when you were younger than 10, at home, there were “always… extreme shouting and swearing… it looked and sounded pretty violent“. You and your sister spent only 1-2 night a week at home, sleeping in your mother’s bed while your father slept in your room, and another night being babysat by your great uncle while your parents were out. The other 5 nights, you and your sister slept in the home of your next-door grandparents, or in your aunt’s home. Your mother cheated on your father, and when you were 10, your father moved out of the home and the two got divorced.

    As a young teenager, you were “always being told how to think and feel“. and at 18, you had your first serious girlfriend. You distrusted her and cheated on her. At that time, you wrote, “my paranoid personality took over and I’ve lived a lie ever since“.

    Currently, you are 49, married with five children, a business owner and a homeowner. On the outside, you look like “mr. successful father husband good guy” but on the inside, you feel “so so depressed… so so lonely”, keeping “the pretense going“. You question yourself, “are you happy doing this for the rest of your days… are you a good father good husband good son“?

    Whenever you feel calm enough and so inclined, please share more.

    anita

     

    #393521
    Simon
    Participant

    Hi thanks for your reply the only time I do feel ok is when on vacation. As you said the pressure I put on myself keeping my business successful is immense but there is no other way to do it that I can see. My children are at school and can not help. My business is a cafe where I am the chef I have tried to employ others but they are really not as good quality as I am. I think I will need to re think this business and look for another with a better life work balance.

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