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I also have a tender heart. Look at it as a strength, your miracle. Buddha says something like this – “Compassion is feeling deeply the world’s desperate pain, without becoming depressed about it.” Something to ponder. You can help without becoming bummed out…when you see or hear something that disturbs you, just breathe and send them your healing and loving energy. You may not see the result, but putting that energy out there is a positive and good thing. Send them angels and light. And give yourself a hug for being so caring.
First a big hug. Know that you are not alone. Start a gratitude journal…every day write down one or two things that have brought you joy…good tea, bird singing, blue sky, a song, seeing a child smile. What comforts you? Make a list of what you like to do, a list of what you want to try and where you’d like to go. Don’t give your negative thoughts a voice…which is not to say you shouldn’t grieve your losses, but put them in their place…don’t give your power away to them.
If you want to, allow yourself to get counseling, visit with your Dr. and have an honest discussion about what’s going on. I’m starting over at 55, having lost everything…spouse, house, sense of place and community, that I thought would carry me into old age. I had to get help because deep down inside I wanted to survive…but I needed a life line. I got the proper medication and am getting counseling so that hopefully I can get off the meds, but they bought me time, time to sleep, time to cope. There’s no shame in that.
Treat yourself as your best friend…what would a best friend say to you? That you will be ok, that they are they for you, what can they do to help? Be that person for yourself if there truly is no one else. Eat well, sleep if you want to, cry if you need to. Try to go for at least a little walk outside. Coddle yourself, your heart is sick and that is valid!
You have been given the chance to recraft your whole life…you are free to go in any direction. Seize the opportunity to live the life you want and dream of. Nothing is holding you back but you.
Peace and blessings on your journey.
Hi Nikki, Letting someone go is hard enough without mixing the cultural/family issue in as well. So much pressure. My heart hurts for you. The other writers emphasize that you focus on loving yourself and becoming whole yourself. Do the things YOU want to that make you happy. You must learn to rely on your own strength and heart to give you what you need. I read something recently : “Together you are one, apart you are whole.” I’m going to try and embrace that approach for myself because I’ve had some of the same issues as you in the relationship and maybe it will help you too.
Everything you need is inside of you. The love and relationships that bring us joy are blessed extras. Write yourself a love letter, start treating yourself with respect and compassion. You are worthy and unique. You don’t need anyone else to complete you, which doesn’t mean you can’t have a full and satisfying relationship, but you need to heal you first.
Blessings and Peace…you are not alone on your journey.
Dear Valley Rose, Take a deep breath and give yourself a hug. I would echo Gams in saying that if this is his way of dealing with the relationship break up, well, so be it. It’s possible he just plain doesn’t want to accept his part in the failure of your long term relationship; it’s much easier to shift that blame to someone else than own it or any part of it. Sounds like he’s lost a good woman, which is a blow to any man’s ego so he’s putting on a stiff upper lip. He’s probably wounded/grieving inside too, and this is his defense mechanism. Or maybe he’s just a scumbag (but I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt). In either case, time to do better for yourself.
Keep the good memories, accept him and yourself for what you had and move on in peace. Nothing you can say or do at this point is going to undo the damage. Hold your head high and move on.
Hi Yasha, been here done this. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Be very careful; I wouldn’t proceed unless you are willing to lose your marriage, because you might. If you are good with that risk, go explore. Keep in mind that you cannot unring a bell. I do wonder about the other man’s honor; he wants you certainly but he also knows you are married. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was your husband and your husband was the tempting other man, how would he feel about it then? So much better not to blur the two relationships, at least in secret, because I guarantee someone, or 3 someone’s, are going to get hurt and the damage will last for years. Best wishes…
I agree, she was kind of over the top here, maybe because she wasn’t feeling well. You sound like a thoughtful guy who did the best he could in the situation. Sorry about the fight til 2, that didn’t help anyone, especially her needing rest if sick.
Chalk it up to a rough patch with your sweety, tell her you are sorry for your part in the whole mess and move forward into your relationship. Put this bad day behind the both of you.
Dear Jan Smith, Please write yourself a love letter. Please stop beating yourself up. Change the dialogue in your head and treat yourself kindly. We all do the best we can and are merely human. I am not of the You Deserved What You Got school and don’t imagine anyone here is. The heart wants what the heart wants, and everyone has a battle.
Believe in yourself. Being lonely is hard for those of us who want a partner, I completely relate to what you say about “crying, missing him even though it is obvious he would never be what I want. I guess I miss what he was, and I miss being close to someone. I miss the intimacy and doing things together.” I’m here to VALIDATE your feelings as a woman who feels exactly the same about a man. Cry long and cry hard, that is part of healing. But please, be kind to yourself. You have loved and lost and learned.
You are not alone. You are not abandoned. Everything you need is inside you, just believe in yourself and what YOU need.
If we lived near each other, we’d head to a movie, distract and talk and get through this as a team. I just read that the possibility that things could get better (instead of would get better…subtle difference for a person in pain) will get me through tonight.
Hang in there.
Hi Kelly, First, a heart felt hug. Isn’t it amazing (and of some comfort) that we mere mortals experience so much of the same things…you are not alone. I am three months into my break up with the love of my life, and while I can’t tell you it’s getting easier yet, Tiny Buddha is a port in the storm for me, as it seems to be for you. Some of the best advice I’ve received goes something like this 1) Let go or be dragged 2) when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them 3) don’t waste your time pursuing someone who has told you they don’t want to be with you, you deserve better 4) got a wish bone or a back bone? You have given your power to this guy and it has left you with a low self esteem and stooping to things we all know are bad choices (violating someone else’s privacy) in a desperate attempt to figure out what is going on because we either don’t trust the person to tell us the truth when they are or we know in our gut that they aren’t being truthful. Either way, you are better than that. Lessons learned: YOU have helped this guy tremendously during what would seem to be very trying times, pat yourself on the back, you’ve been loving, supportive and honorable. But that was then, this is now. Ships don’t sail on yesterday’s wind. Time for you to now think about what YOU want and need. He cannot give it to you, which doesn’t in anyway diminish what you HAD. You can love someone deeply, but it doesn’t mean they are The One that you can live with forever, and it doesn’t mean love was squandered or not present.
Give yourself inner self, your heart, a big hug. Write a letter to yourself that assures you that you are perfect the way you are, good enough, and deserving of mutually respectful love. Be your OWN best friend, don’t rely on him, or anyone, to fill that need. Go do something fun and engaging either by yourself or with a trusted girlfriend. Something that will distract you, warm your soul and build you up.
Dear Yolanda, First and foremost, know that you are not alone. Many people before us and after us have or will experience the same rejection from the person they love. The heart goes off on it’s own journey, refusing to listen to the head. Sigh. The heart leads us down paths our head KNOWS are not good for us. It’s debilitating, I know (now, in month 3 of healing). Second, please take care of yourself. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening and learning. Third and importantly, REALIZE THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU! I know you love this guy, but he clearly has some issues too. Do not shoulder this or accept full blame for the relationship failing. He has some commitment, insecurities or fears, or bottom line, he really doesn’t want to be with you. Read that last part again, because it might be the reality. Here’s some good bits that might help you like they are helping me (though I’m not there yet). A) When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. B) Let go or be dragged C) Got a wish bone? Or a back bone? I think this guy is nice enough he doesn’t wanted to hurt you, when in fact, by stringing you along, he is hurting you again and again. Please, for your own sanity, take control of the situation. Tell him you have realized that he cannot give you what you need, but you don’t love him any less, however, you must for your own health and life say goodbye to any prospect of a romantic relationship with him. You can love someone deeply, but it doesn’t mean you can be together. And lastly, you cannot have your arms open to receive what is GOOD for you if you are holding onto something that is BAD for you. Please get a copy of The Ten Things to do When Your Life Falls Apart. And read Eat Pray Love too. And go find all the best stuff, like little Buddha, on the internet you can get your eyes on. Go to friends who believe in you and let you be yourself. Stop giving away your power to this guy who obviously doesn’t appreciate or want it. Write back and let us know how you are doing. Peace and a hug. You can do it!
Here is an excerpt from last Sunday NYTimes (Modern Love http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/fashion/adrift-too-long-searching-for-a-navigator.html?_r=1 ) column:
Later as we lay together in a tangle of sheets, I said: “Man, that was good. Why didn’t we work out again?” I hadn’t forgotten about his girlfriend or his criticism, but I felt nostalgic for what seemed like a missed opportunity between us. I still had no man in my life and wondered if maybe Luke and I could make it work.
Luke turned on his side and put a sympathetic finger on my ribs. “I’m afraid you’re a little too intense for me, he said. I’m afraid that your hunger for this, for me, is your attempt to fill some hunger in yourself that only you can fill.”
…As morning light filled the room, I realized Luke was right in saying that my hunger for him, for sex, for men, was an attempt to fill a hunger only I could satisfy. I remembered a Hebrew teaching spoken by the sage Hillel the Elder: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
I would have to be for me. But the next question of Hillel’s teaching brought, immediately, to a new conundrum. “But when I am for myself, what am I?” What was a woman without a man to define her?
I had no idea. But I had wasted enough time trying to elevate inadequate men into gods worthy of my devotion.
“If not now, when,” the ancient teaching ended.
Now? Not immediately. I did have a bagel with Luke that morning. But I saw myself laughing at his silly jokes, trying to pad his ego. I watched myself crossing my legs and playing with my hair. I saw myself trying to keep this many happy.
I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was ready for something new.
Good luck Yolanda. Believe in YOURSELF. Everything you need to be happy is inside you, not inside him.