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Matt is SPOT on (as always). Really not much to be added to that abundant wisdom, but I would beg you consider that it was only sex.
In my advanced age of 56, and I’ve not been an angel trust me, I have discovered, for myself anyway, that sex is not the end all determinant of how a relationship should be defined or attempted. Clearly the girl sought companionship & physical comfort. Clearly you were not together at the time. Physical touch and intimacy are a huge part of being human, please don’t judge her so harshly. She didn’t do anything wrong and it was very courageous and honest of her to share what happened with you. She didn’t have to do that, but I applaud her bravery for not wanting to have secrets from you and to start clean in a new relationship with you as if you were both someone new going into it for the first time.
Sex is just sex. Most of the time it doesn’t last as long as it takes to eat a nice meal in a restaurant. Two people doing what comes naturally. Most people want the person they are having sex with to be the only one they are having sex with and that’s fine. Outside of that, outside of a monogamous relationship, all bets are off. Please ask yourself why this is so very important to you? You’ve done so much work, don’t slip back into ego rules.
What lasts in a relationship is the mutual enjoyment of each other’s company, through thick & thin. The acceptance & support of that person’s dreams, quirks, good & annoying habits. Sex, after the initial burn, usually shifts on the list of priorities and is replaced by a mature understanding & enduring love of the WHOLE person, not just their body and what happens between the two of you physically. Sex becomes part of your rhythms and exclusivity, the expression of your vulnerability and trust and desire for each other over the long run.
Please please don’t let it play such a major role in determining if this good woman is worthy of you.
Wishing you peace and happiness, Sojourner
Matt – great answer. I will try that. Does laying in bed eating chocolate count? Because that’s what I’m doing right now 🙂 I actually miss HIM with all his amazing attributes.
Big Blue – So, please expound – the thought of him comes, with the ache, with the wish things were like they were blah blah blah. So, I acknowledge the thought and the actually say to myself “there’s that thought, let it go”. This will in time manifest into actual letting go?
Thanks to both of you, love and peace.August 19, 2014 at 8:50 am in reply to: Although he was verbally abusive, I miss the gorgeous him, and I'm in such pain #63646
You deserve so much better. Take care of you. Forget this loser abuser – he’s got issues that will ruin your sweetness and your life. RUN.
Good advice all…if you are still reading, I find the best way to keep a conversation going is to ask questions of another person. People generally enjoy talking about themselves. And compliments (genuine) are always welcome and might help move things along. Are they wearing something you like or think looks good on them? Say so. How about current events…I’m not saying delve into personal politics, but we are all earthlings and humans and generally want the same things – love, safety, shelter, food, water.
And remember, we have two ears and one mouth. We should be listening twice as often as talking 🙂 Blessings and good luck.
PS just be yourself, that’s good enough.
Spinbunny – I would have an honest discussion with your trainer. All this second guessing drives me nuts. What are the signals you are receiving and giving? No respect to this guy’s woman but I believe in taking love by the horns via communication. Find out where his heart and mind are. If he is devoted to his woman, move on out of respect for her, him and yourself. BUT maybe they are struggling and not meant to be to gether. How would you ever know if you don’t ask. A simple yes or no will do and will tell you volumes, provided the guy is not a player, in which case you AND his gf are better off without him.
Hi Jan, best to you…and heartfelt hugs.
I think there’s a lot more going on with this guy than he has disclosed to you. First, he’s going through a divorce – never easy, and riddled with many variables beyond what you probably are aware of (especially since there’s a teenager involved). Ok, notice the operational words going through…as in, it’s not over there for him yet. He’s probably pretty strapped emotionally and has a hair trigger emotionally at the moment. Kind of a tough time for you to be having a relationship with him no matter how much you adore him.
So, step back, give this guy breathing room, and yourself. Remember, you may WANT a man, but you do not NEED a man. It seems he is distancing himself from you because that’s what he needs to do right now…and the harder you push or throw yourself at his mercy, the faster he is going to run the other direction. We can’t make someone love or want us.
Breathe deeply, stick to your plan of 30 days no contact, and let him go. When someone wants to be in our lives, they make the effort to be in our lives.
Texting only is just plain weird and that was a huge red flag.
This may not be about YOU so much as it is where HE is emotionally.
Please take care of yourself….do things you like to do, build yourself up, you are good enough just the way you are. Don’t give him this power over you. I think he’s gone, and I think you are better off for it…
BIG BLUE! GREAT story! MATT! you rock as always. I once slaved away over making oatmeal cookies – a LARGE batch – and accidentlyused salt instead of sugar. They looked pretty but they were terrible! What a good laugh.
Best wishes Jara…as we say out here…Cowgirl Up! You are worthy and beautiful and human.
Let’s take a look at this. You have done 100% of the compromising and it’s worn you out and undermined your financial stability. This guy (and his kid) are on the gravy train because you are really a nice & generous person.
I’m really sorry that things went seriously south for him with his job and career; clearly he was wounded by that sequence of events and lost his momentum. BUT, this is not about him, it’s about you.
If you still think it can work out after this much damage, may I suggest that you lay down some ground rules and boundaries, especially for the kid who is in your precious home (17 and smoking/drinking??!). First and foremost, put a deadline on the financial bleeding. Give the man two weeks to get real about money. Lay it out in black and white for him. Draw up a budget and stick to it especially if you want to stay with him. Second, tell the father that it is not acceptable for his child to be running roughshod over your lifestyle under your roof!
Most importantly, you need to keep your money for yourself and your lifestyle (farm, pets). You have a future to plan for and must provide and plan for yourself. No one else is going to do that for you, not him at any rate, he loves to dine out but that is not going to pay the mortgage. He may be over “luxury” items and want a simpler life, sure, you are the one keeping a roof over his head. No disrespect, but he is sounding a wee bit deluded about reality.
The good news: Every couple must negotiate these financial matters. Love is great, but it doesn’t pay the bills.
Lay down the law before you lose your mind, your love for him and your chosen lifestyle. Did he help you originally by the farm and animals? If so, it’s a bit more complicated because you are/were dependent on him to manifest your dream to begin with. If that’s the case, you may have to downsize here and there, but you can build back up later. Better to do what you have to do and not go under than to lose the whole place.
Good luck, please write and let us know how it turns out.
You can do this! I have found these forums to be very helpful and supportive too…stay in touch.
Matt…way to go, and the other respondents as well. John, it’s sounds like you are progressing, I would encourage to do “nothing” for as long as you feel you need and want to. The act of doing “nothing” is actually doing everything you need right now! Productivity is over rated and a social construct. You have had major surgery of the head which is every bit as intense as physical surgery. REST! EAT! SLEEP! Exercise gently. Pray.
As my friend told me a few months ago, there’s nothing wrong with hiding under the bed. Sometimes life is just too intense and overwhelming! We can be brave and strong up to a point and then it’s just time to retreat (re treat – sounds good, like chocolate or something, again and again!).
A word about medication, especially anti depressants – there is a risk that after you start them, you will feel worse before you feel better, including suicidal feelings. I’m speaking from experience here and I hope your doc cautioned you. That is because the medicine is kicking in, allowing you to move from a state of total hopelessness and no energy at all to do anything, to having just enough energy and thought processes to do harm to yourself. It’s a dangerous phase, but it does pass if you will just hang in there.
Treat yourself with tenderness and patience, like you would a beloved friend who needs help. We are SO hard on OURSELVES when it is so easy and natural to be caregivers to others. We need to care give to ourselves in the same fashion.
Blessings to you, and peace.
Hi, I’m not sure what to say but I think it’s admirable that you are reaching out here. Sounds like you are kinda hard on yourself, with the guilt and expectations that you should be one way but are the other. Is there a correlation between dysthemia and these feelings? Does any medication you might be on have this kind of side effect real or imagined? I am depressed too (working on coming out of it, but as you know, it takes time) and I have read that anti social feelings and feelings of the meaningless of life are common.
I hope you treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Some people only have 1 or 2 deep relationships in the course of their life. In this culture of social media where people count their friends in the 100’s on Facebook, many relationships are inherently going to be light acquaintances, but it can make a person who has an introvertive nature maybe feel like something is wrong with them. Does that make sense?
I’m quite sure you are good enough just the way you are. I wish you peace.
Dear Skot, It’s good that you are reaching out here. That’s a huge step and I hope sets you on the course to healing. Since you are already on prescribed meds and under a doc care, have you or can you get therapy for the anger and hurt you feel? I’m not a professional counselor, but I can say with complete confidence that until you put this behind you and move past your anger and hurt, you will not be able to move forward into the happy life that is waiting for you and which you deserve. That is going to require self love, compassion and forgiveness (yup, forgiveness).
The past is the past, don’t let it define who you are now and can be tomorrow.
You are not responsible for how other people acted toward you before, don’t give them the power to have ruined your life now.
I believe, since you are in this forum, that taking revenge & harming the people who hurt you, is not really going to make your situation any better and it’s not the right thing to do; it only causes more pain in the world and pulls you down to the level of the people who hurt you. It sounds as if they were young people in school – there’s so much bullying and damage is done without the kids really understanding how hurtful and mean they are being.
What makes you happy, what do you like to do? There are bunches of people who will have like interests as you, and I believe you will find loving and kind friends if you seek them out. People your age now are generally kinder and more evolved than they were before age 20 because they have found their own footing in the world and don’t need to pick on others to give themselves a sense of empowerment.
I wish you peace and happiness. You as a human deserve it!
Inky, Matt, Big Blue – you are all amazing and it’s wonderful that you are on this sight. Lucy, good luck. So many people here “get it” and we are blessed to have a safe space to ask questions, get opinions and insight (and laughter).
I don’t have anything to add because a) these guys already said it all and b) I’m only about 3/4 through my own erratic, healing adventure with emotions as nutsoid as yours. Best wishes to you.
My therapist did recommend a book to add perhaps to the EXCELLENT recommendations above and it is Calling in The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Readable, smart, and not what you’d expect.
Also, I recommend the TED talk by Brene Brown entitled The Power of Vulnerability.
Heart felt empathy. If it helps at all, we can substitute “him” for “her” in your text (minus the kid factor) because you have expressed so many of the things I have felt over the past 7 months since breaking up with my guy.
About the only thing I can suggest is that you are on the right path, it will just take courage and strength to stay the course. It sounds like you know what’s best for you regarding the woman you love (just because you can’t be together, for whatever reason, doesn’t mean that love isn’t present). My therapist told me it will take as long as it takes…weeks, months, even years. I’m exactly in the same boat too with respect to looking for or being open to new love.
Hang in there, listen to your soul, you’ve come so far already. And know that you are not alone. I will hold you in my prayers. I think this is some of the hardest stuff we as people go through.
I just want you to know that your tender soul is precious. I’m geared the same way, it pains me deeply when the two cats (whom I cherish) hunt the baby ducks and rabbits. I don’t even like them to torture the mice, which are an invasive and destructive and dirty pest when they get in the house.
You cherish life. All life AND love. That is nothing to apologize for or feel badly about. It’s part of who we are as unique children of God. You bring balance and compassion to a sometimes really hard & cruel world.
Maybe do a little reading about animal guides; you might get some further understanding as to how and if this situation with the bird reflects your relationship.
Best wishes and love.