Hi Jara,

I don’t know how you were trying to make him earn your respect?

But I do know the feeling of trying to earn people’s respect and love.

It is, quite simply, the worst feeling in the world.

There’s an exercise called The Emotion Wheel. Draw a clock. One o’ clock is the horrible feeling right now. Write down “Desperate”. At twelve o’ clock is the feeling you want. “Blissed Out”.

OK, at two o’ clock you want to feel a little bit better than “Desperate”. Write down “Sad”. Sit with that “Sad” feeling until you feel that rather than the other feeling.

You can write phrases down too. By the time you get to nine o’ clock the feelings might be Acceptance, Gratitude. Or a phrase might be, “I am exactly where I need to be now”. Any idea, phrase or word that makes you feel a little bit better than the “hour” before.

Try to get all the way around the clock.

Good luck!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

You know what, try. Try to get some space in your brain so it can rest, so it can breathe. YouTube guided meditations. Do one a day. See what happens. It may or may not work out with the guy, but if you can calm and soothe your mind, that will help a lot.

Jara,

Yep, you’re a fool. Acting selfishly, egoism popping out of you, unskillful, putting salt in your cake instead of sugar, and whoa boy, what a cake that makes! Glass of water please?

Consider that in your heart, the salt is not the issue, not really. The “true salt” or “emotional mistake” is actually foolishly thinking that baking a poorly tasting cake makes you less, makes you unworthy of tenderness, of love. Mu, false, garbage. We all mess up, time and time again, can’t be avoided. We have these imperfect maps, you see, and all these emotions and thoughts that make things difficult to navigate.

That’s OK, dear sister, its nothing to be ashamed about. We make mistakes, learn, and grow. They don’t define us, they don’t mean “we are just the kind of person that bakes salt cakes”. Said differently, you’re beating yourself up for things you can’t avoid. How stupid is that?

Consider a different approach. Instead of sitting and stewing in your mistakes, just breathe with them. Don’t hide, cower, shake… just sit, open, look. If you feel you did harm, apologize. If you just flubbed and tittered and blerted, just let it go. Forgive yourself for acting like a fool… if they don’t, that’s their issue, their lack of warm feelings inside them. For us, when we make mistakes and forgive ourselves, accept that inevitable stumbling, they just become information. “Ah, next time I’ll make sure to have my salt and sugar containers labelled”. Or whatever. Who cares? Onward, more to bake, more to learn, new experiences to dance alongside… and here is Jara, growing. What a beauty!

With warmth,
Matt

BIG BLUE! GREAT story! MATT! you rock as always. I once slaved away over making oatmeal cookies – a LARGE batch – and accidentlyused salt instead of sugar. They looked pretty but they were terrible! What a good laugh.

Best wishes Jara…as we say out here…Cowgirl Up! You are worthy and beautiful and human.