This post may be more to let me write things out and sort out my thoughts than anything, though any words someone would care to offer is certainly appreciated.

Last year, after spending a pretty long time on my own, a friend expressed an interest in me and we soon got together. It felt really good for both of us, even though there were a number of things that would be difficult, which we knew going in. She had a few kids, but that was fine with me; they all really liked me and I grew to care for them a great deal. Time was the main factor, there would always be limited time for us. I was ok with that, I was in no rush and the time I got to be with her was more than enough to make me happy, even when it was just little stolen moments. She had other issues stemming from her past that were a factor, too. A thyroid that could affect her moods, sometimes drastically, a number of trust issues and things like that. She would always refer to herself as “crazy”, but she was a very thoughtful and caring person (and still is), just buried under stress and pain and dealing with the kids’ father, who did help out, but most of the strain was on her 24/7.

Over time, it became harder for her to express her affection. Though she loved me, the relationship was another thing to cause her stress. I did my best to always be patient and understanding but even so, I felt her drifting farther away from me. Sometimes her mood would be warm and affectionate, sexually active and other days it would be all I could do to get a reply from her. (Again, I understood four children kept her very, very busy, they came first and I was more than cool with that.) About six months in, I could see, though I denied it at the time, that the end was coming. She just couldn’t do it anymore. She didn’t want me to be with anyone else, but knew she couldn’t be with me either and it all finally fell apart.

I loved her deeply and came to see that over the months, virtually all of my feelings of self worth were based on her moods. If she was happy, I was happy, if she was short or cold to me, I was a wreck. I stopped living for myself and lived on whatever I could get from her. We have since remained friends, though I know many would advise against this and it has certainly caused me pain as our lives continue on and do not intersect in the same ways anymore. Her life keeps her busy and though I know she regretted the end of things, I definitely had a lot more time to stew about it and lapsed into depression.

My healing has been made extra hard because even though we’re not as close as we were, she will still keep in touch with me and it’s rare for me to go a day without hearing from her one way or another and even if I’m hurting, I will answer kindly and not rehash our relationship or flirt in an effort to get anything. I just try to keep things light and not clingy, because I do want her to be a friend in my life, even though it’s tough right now. I based all my importance off her and knew I had to live for myself again, love myself again. We share many of the same friends and the loss of being in her close confidence would cause me to get jealous if she were talking to others. I would imagine I was being excluded, though I recognize nothing of that is personal and against me. (Though try getting your head to tell that to your feelings sometimes.) Of course, my biggest fear is that she’ll end up with someone else, but as she has even told me, she can’t maintain a relationship for all the same reasons that finished us off. Though I have made some good progress with my healing and trying to get over things, some days are just bad. I’ll cry for no real reason, I’ll become jealous if she’s out with other friends, not because of a possessiveness, just from really missing being the one she used to want to hang out with all the time. I feel left behind and very unimportant. I understand the relationship is over and I really am better off. Looking back, I can see how much worry and stress I was in, too, despite always saying everything was ok. I feel like I won’t meet anyone else, even though my efforts to heal have taught me, yes, I will and I will get through this, but it can’t come fast enough. I love her, I always will and I loved the kids. I saw a whole future as a family, so to lose that was pretty crushing to me. I realized in my heart that sort of thing is truly what I want.

Anyway, I’m just trying my best not to feel lonely or take her living her life as happily as she can as some personal effort to make me feel bad. I have good friends and family that have helped me, I just really want to get back to being a whole person on my own again, where I determine how I feel about me and it’s not wrapped up in another person. I very much want to love again. I think perhaps I was more in love with the idea of her than the actual her. We always romanticize the past, right?

Thanks for letting me get some thoughts off my chest, folks. It probably sounds like I’ve still got it pretty bad for this girl and maybe I do, but I hope it also seems like I’m making my way through this by recognizing and addressing a lot of important stuff. I’ll find the one for me. But damn, does it still hurt pretty bad right now.