Hi Anita,

My anxiety stems from family for sure. They dont show the kind of care you would expect..but its demanded of me in return. My mom sent me a text to come over and see them a day ago..completely ignoring the fact she has been silent for months since her previous messages when i was really slammed with work and stress, telling me im selfish and difficult. She wants of course to dip out of apologising, so will pretend its all on me, im very busy with work etc. I didnt reply because im still so angry about it that i dont know what to do. Ignoring it wont make it go away but she is unlikely to offer up reason, im expecting a fight and more stress.

Its clear my parents want a clean slate before christmas, totally expecting me to be game for all their usual behaviour.

But now i feel different. Both my mother and sister are not reaching out, they both want me to do it all. They are the ones with partners and support to go through difficult things like when they are mad at other people, but im alone. Does that mean i have to take every authoritative word they say? Does it mean i have to chase after them even though they throw poison darts at me? Or is it literally the fact that i am the youngest child and expected to fall in line? My sister is so disappointing…as an older sister she was never there and i accepted it, i even filled in her place and she was just always resentful and jealous. Its finally made me angry, and finally made me complain that she is selfish, now expecting for her child (an extension of herself) more and more of the attention she could never be bothered to give in return.

My parents came and rang my door to “demand” a reply from me. My mother looked sulky and handed me something of mine that had been at their house, an item of clothing. This is a routine she does when she is annoyed. of clearing things out of her house that belong to me. Its a therapy of sorts, I understand that now, many years later…getting even small items handed back to me like its a big problem for them to have them there, reminding them of me. I always find it an offensive thing to do, its a rejection of course.. My parents didnt speak up about their feelings either but pretended to talk about other things. Have i contacted my sister? no, putting the emphasis of blame and guilt back on me and putting themselves in control again. More irritation and anger.

I denied getting her message on my phone….because i dont want a confrontation today, im really not feeling well and i have a lot to do. It was a coward thing to do i know, as she wanted to be able to explode at me and get her reward while having my dad to support and help her do it. I just dont want to deal with them. Afterwards i felt angry and very sad..sad because i really dont want to see them.

When you are being chased by sadness and miserable behaviour its hard to focus on happiness. Having family problems is really at the core of who you are as a person. When you have an imbalance there it affects everything else. Im looking at a lifetime of feeling even more lonely than i was before but im contemplating just simply not being around them anymore. because i need to time out, i need to heal. They have spare keys of mine. First intended as helpful i now feel its intrusive. Ive relied on them in the past when ive locked myself out by accident…they act over worried as though im going to kill myself but never say a thing, just imply it. When i dont answer the phone..its a drama, we were worried! Its control though. Thats the reality. Its a way of keeping tabs on me and having power over me.

Hi Anita and TeaK,

I feel like im holding a whole lot in..most of the time. Basically its lonely to deal with all this and accept, my life is not going to be like others. I know that most women my age are dealing with family issues of their own, kids and husbands and so on, but because of all this ive been through, i havent got a relationship as in the end, when it comes to commitment, your partner has to like what he is marrying into, mine didnt. But it wasnt just that, my social anxiety and the interpretation of human behaviours that i read negatively, made me depressed and unhappy to go out, something my ex needed to be happy. Could i ask him to sympathise more? to allow me to be a quieter person? No, it seems not. Effectively, in my experience..men just leave and find someone more happy and upbeat, more capable to manage life, there´s always another quickly found. So much for love if they find them so fast. For me to reach the point of another person wanting or thinking to commit…was enormous effort and right timing etc. So to lose the connection was devastating, world imploding, as it was effectively the only one i had. Every time my relationships have broken down, i have lost everything i built…my home, friends, work and social status, this last relationship was the only one where i did not move country afterwards.

I guess ive protected myself from these feelings for these years following that. I didnt think i had to make the choice to stay away from my parents but i see i should have instead of seeking any comfort there which was a bad choice. My mother´s negative interpretations colour my own.

People talk about social anxiety like its a badge you can put on your jacket at a festival to show everyone you are cool. Same as depression. Some people who claim they are these things only want attention! but truly dont know what it is.  No one who has this would smile.

I mean, i can physically go places..i can talk to clients, talk to strangers…ive built that up over years like a shield, but there is a limit to my ability to connect with people, a kind of self preservation that kicks in…thats enough talk now, all about business and then run away, i avoid personal questions and feel assaulted when people find out everything about my age, where i am from and then walk off. This keeps me at a distance from others along with my certainty of their behaviours reading as “they dont like me”. Of course the longer this goes on the more they in turn will think ” she doesnt like me” which turns to negative behaviours toward me….I get it but cant work it out.

Hi Anita and TeaK,

Thank you for your feedback and insights. Im still having a hard time to isolate who is responsible for what. For instance, to say that your parents shaped everything to do with your interactions as we went to school, there were people there too. But my parents had full control of us from a young age. All i know is that ive always had this terrible low self esteem when it comes to demanding my share or my right or something, i kind of crumble, i dont even have that will to stand up for myself and perhaps thats because i was never given that kind of confidence at home.

On the other hand i have enormous inner strength that i dont know how to describe. I thought it was shaped by my previous experiences (in particular with the ex) but it was perhaps there already from when i was much younger, if im totally honest i dont think there are many interactions in my life that have been easy. I get to a point where i trust the person im with and then they throw a curve ball and i feel intensely betrayed. It happens with every person, i cant seem to understand or make the right boundaries to protect myself. Im very distrustful at the start, then trust too much. Its perhaps understandable that i often feel much better alone, exhausted from trying to read people´s intentions. Are they being kind or are they being sarcastic? Why do parties for instance leave me feeling really depressed..going over everything in my head. Some would deduct that my problems are a result of some form of autism but it just never occurred to me that it could simply be the result of emotional bullying from a young age, blocking the enjoyment part.

I only started to link the two things because of my ex´s weird behaviour and over dramatic reactions. The push and pull of the erratic behaviour,  there could be weeks of very sweet and loving behaviour, next, telling you that youre the worst at this or just complete rage out of nowhere and its over. It led me to a lot of deep thinking, confusion over where it was coming from, was it really my fault etc. He played on my weaknesses and things i had told him in confidence, he tried to pick me apart in other ways but that inner strength i had didnt get him far. Where i live is a smaller community than i am used to, i believe there was plenty of gossip about us and my parents knew acquaintances of him who “warned them” about him. But my mother really liked him. Of course, because he was more fun, exciting. they blew hot and cold about him as they do with my sister´s partner also. Approve and disapprove, good and bad, the same push and pull behaviour that leaves you frustrated because you cant win.

Hi Anita,

So you think that everything i do and all the experiences i have now are basically stemming from the difficult relationship with my mother? I see the point. Maybe..its hard to correlate for me but i can see what you mean.

In relation to those moments when “im feeling successful and confident….people feel its unfair somehow”..i know very well how that felt (being very happy or feeling accomplished) and then to see the look on someone´s face and immediately feel guilty and that it would be better if they feel happy or confusion, why arent they happy for me?, to feel a sense that somehow my fortune was damaging to others. The thing is this….i also see what my father´s behaviour created because he would be the first to bend over backwards to make my mother feel better, at the expense of us or anyone else around them.

The damage done is in how i react.

Its definitely a question whether its possible to break the pattern. For example again today my head is hurting and my brow knotted and im obsessing from being overwhelmed at work by the irritating behaviour of my colleagues. Ive come home angry and frustrated again. Here are some individual things that happened that i can pin point were triggering, does it seem a lot for just one day??!:

– (when the new admin took over my role i remember her asking me about whether we could put music on while we worked. I replied it was okay as long as it did not interfere with client interaction and other people´s work, i meant…using your sensitivity to the situation….since then, she puts music on all the day, on her computer in the background. Ive noticed if she is annoyed with others interaction, she turns up the volume. )

Today i came in and i put some music on as i was alone, but not loud, she came straight in, turned on her computer and put some music on just that bit louder…

– A:I mentioned before that one colleague was hired by the family member (who now has a powerful & controlling position in the company) this guy is his best friend! the guy always seemd friendly but after today also now appears creepy. Today he cornered me where i could not get away, i was getting something and i felt like he was looking down my top while talking very close to me…..enough said. Unfortunately we now have 2 guys working in the office with the feeling they have control over us because one is a family member…my boss does nothing, she is a woman.

-B: i had an appointment booked with a client (visible to my colleagues), 30min before i was due to leave another colleague came and said she had to see the same place and wanted to take the keys…to cut a long story short she didnt go in the end, but the conversation and re-planning was distracting and i remembered my friend says that she feels some of our colleagues say and do things to sabotage the situation….it certainly seemed that way, since her “appointment” surprisingly did not go ahead and she has done the same thing to me often before.

– This same colleague had been hanging around all day, we each have a day to be at the office and it gets busy very quickly because its a small office and we now have a lot more staff…hanging around just trying to pick up information or bickering with each other. So these two colleagues…A&B were chatting about something..i was trying to ignore this and continue to work…but B then sat down opposite me with her computer and then A sat down and they continued talking …right at my desk!!! By now it was afternoon, i was already irritated from being unable to concentrate and i said to them to please sit on the other side of the office where there is space because this desk was for clients…they seemed to agree…and then turned to each other and continued talking! i stared at them and they ignored me. I then asked them again to move and had to wave a hand in their faces, at which point B, who has known me for years..did her usual “ok ill move” slowly as though it was not her fault. Mr A though, which is an apt name for him, decided i needed to hear one more thing from him about some saying in his language …to which end i had to hear a long drawn out explanation that made no sense…he just wanted to stomp his foot metaphorically, to pee on his patch, etc. Even though he should show some respect to someone who has worked many years more than him in the job..it makes me mad. Im just sick of this childish behaviour. Which has become worse since men joined the company i have to say.

There was more but this gives an idea of what an average day at the office is like…i must admit i felt a bit sorry for the admin person as i used to have her job and you have to hear ALL the dramas.

Hi Anita,

Yesterday i accidentally locked myself out and had to call my dad to use their spare key to get back in, luckily they were not out and he could help as i had just stepped out to pick something up from a friend. Ive done this by accident before, it happens when of course i´m distracted and stressed, doing too many things at once. My dad was not impressed but not surprised. He doesnt shout, its just a kind of “we know you are flaky” kind of disapproval. He then said they should spend less time with me…if you recall i have had no contact with my parents for about a month, since my mom had a tantrum and got mad at me. She was maybe feeling left out or bored or who knows. And i was complaining a lot about my work which was very intense this year. I have trouble managing workload as i tend to lean in and don´t ever quit. But this year it was a lot, mental and physical. But my mom doesnt understand…i cant just quit my job as she says and “do something else” when i have nowhere to go. I dont make a lot extra each month to support that.

After my dad let me in and i got on with the many appointments but afterwards i felt really sad and lonely..abandoned. Just like my ex, just like some friends i have had. They prefer to make me feel bad it seems. After all you dont expect getting older, that your own family will turn out like this, especially when you are patient with their moments..but my parents, they have each other. I have noone. I felt ashamed of their behaviour. Angry. depressed and totally lost.

I feel like im just this natural victim, the person that others hit.. even my own parents! its sometimes hard to believe this.

My sister has not reached out at all but likely is that she also feels hurt and somehow its all my fault.

Its enfuriating that other people can get away with this ugly behaviour and blame it all on me. I feel there is just no love left there and thats shocking. But its also as though, all those years..i overlooked behaviours that were perhaps more malicious and that i ignored that because to see the truth would have been really awful. Could that really be the case? my sister resents me and so does my mom? are they really that cold?

I thought about what i can do in future to avoid calling them for help..ill get a keysafe. Living alone, its not uncommon i imagine, to get locked out. It never happens to my parents because they have each others key.

My life is completely absorbed by work. My hours are insane. But you might say i do this to myself. I want to get everything done, if i left it to regular hours, i swear that half my clients would go unanswered. Ive asked that we get help with this but its not happening. I see that the girl who took my old role (permanently in the office) has all new equipment..whereas i had to make do with saving money, she has immediately been given a lot more. Again, i feel a victim. And i work more now..to cover up the fact that there is no “life” to enjoy. if only i can make that bit more money, ill be OK.

I wish i knew how to turn this “fate” around, this victimization? or mentality that i have grown into. I think ive always lived in a dreamlike state..thinking this was preferable to being totally present and entertained by what is around me..i dont live like that. Ive got what i think is a fairly creative and free mind. I dont get a rise out of making jokes of other people because i immediately think of the consequences, i dont wait for life to provide me with the input i need because i can make it up myself.  Generally speaking, i can entertain myself or at least keep busy. I see that generally, most people are the kind that need input all the time, and when they dont, they just switch off, nothing going on inside. Somewhere out there are people like me, i just never found many of them. crushed under the weight of the importance of others.

I feel like im just angry and frustrated at this situation..with my family, with feeling that life has gotten the better of me. I cant seem to think of what to do, to get out of the work i dont enjoy…to make a living for myself and be more in control of my income…sounds stupid. I just maybe am scared to try. But no surprise, since when i try, ive been knocked down so much.

Ive not been watching the tarot readings as much as i used to..mainly because none of what they say runs true anymore..mr right isnt coming, something is not going to magically happen when im working with no time free. Ive not made big money, it disappears just as fast and im realising now..i cant work any harder and i dont seem to be able to work smarter. I just feel i wish someone could help but maybe thats just not possible.

Hi Anita,  I dont understand life, i dont get it. Im older now, i should have the opportunity to give support and guidance to younger people because ive made it. like my parents (except not like them) just to have the opportunity to say, here is what is going to happen! I think i always thought, if i just work harder, if i just put more effort in it will pay off. If im just nice and patient and believe that everything good happens to all of us and sometimes there are bad times, if i try harder, if i just try to squeeze myself into a certain personality maybe the guy wont leave, maybe the boss will treat me with respect, maybe the colleague wont be jealous. My dad raised me to not rock the boat, to keep my head down…it doesnt work, the jerks are out there laughing always.

Lately, ive put so many hours in that i cant do more…its like the wolves are circling and salivating, its crazy right now. Im not the kind of person to react my emotions but im suffering for it..people just being abusive.

For example: Im overrun with multiple clients, on top of that we are expected to bring in listings for new properties but there is no time, also to manage the sales process which can be over months. One client ive been helping has been SO much work that i honestly think my brain is being picked so that they can start their own business…at the same time i cant say that for sure but they wont make a decision, they want certainty in THEIR decision from me and i cant give it. Its stupid. Ive spent almost a month working with him, he brings a friend along and she scrutinizes everything i say, they ask me questions about my life, she was even leaning over my shoulder to see what i was texting on my phone during a visit, non of her business!!

Another is an owner of a house, i am responsible for their contract which i fought hard to get but they are very arrogant, i warned my colleagues to be quick with feedback, seeing what kind of people they were and unfortunately one agent upset them so much that they called me and yelled down the phone that not only my colleague but I was unprofessional and that i had ALSO not been working well with them and they had had enough. They spoke to our manager who i was not able to warn in time because she would not answer her phone. After they finished yelling at everyone…i got a call some days later, much calmer and subdued asking to work with us again, but ONLY with me.  In other words, i now have to be available to take clients of my colleagues. This means i will still be the punching bag and my colleagues now dont want to send clients there in case i get paid something.

So, my small wins.

My gratitude today…if that is all there is for me in the world, was that an associate we work with a lot, “sort of” stood up for me today when i was chewed out by the latest angry, arrogant and greedy client who was “unhappy with the service”, he was furious almost out of nowhere…and i smell an unjustified complaint in order not to pay us..People are real slimebags that way.  Im supposed to be on holiday now but that doesnt matter.

We were standing with the client and he was complaining. The associate said to me not to leave just yet then said to me in her language (which the client cant understand) that he was an A** and that she had so many difficulties with him, that it was almost over and repeated i was NOT to worry about what he was saying. Maybe she could tell i was worked half to death and couldnt take more. He stood to the side of us and i could tell he realised she was on my side. On the other hand, when speaking to him she didnt defend me, she just said the issues were not a problem. To me she said basically she had enough of him too and not to worry about it.

When people are kind like this its such a shock.

What is interesting about this person is that many years ago, i had made an amazing sale, possibly the highest our agency has made in the last 6 years, and just as the contracts were signed and everything was certain and i of course worked my ass off as everyone sulked and looked jealous..my boss decided to give this associate a bit more money, which meant i had to receive less.  This was local politics or whatever, this woman asked and my boss agreed. I never forgot that, after that point my view of my boss changed, at that point i knew, i was part of the hamster wheel not a wonderful colleague.

Today, as i felt weak and defeated and grateful this woman had said these things, all i could think about was, that this was a payout for that previous damage…..

But yeah, small handouts of sympathy…do they lead to happy ever after? or just cover the wounds.

Speaking of laughing jerks..while i wrote this, some of my esteemed colleagues were on whatsapp making veiled comments about my friends´success. It was obvious they were jealous and making little stabs at her, she reacted..not too strongly but made it known their comments were weird…its this kind of lack of support, lack of team and mean little comments that we both hate. The others are much more typical sales people…like men in a lockerroom (one is a woman). This by the way was way after working hours. Our boss´reaction? to say that we can expect adverse people in our environment and to keep believing in ourselves. While thats really a nice thought…if you SEE and HEAR bullying in your office, how would you deal with it? i think i would deal with it directly.

Hi Anita. Today im running on adrenalin for sure.

Ive worked since i woke up and was on the phone non stop until it burned hot and lost battery. My email account was full and rejecting emails…I had to use a second account. Basically my computer or phone can´t keep up the pace. One client was on the phone 2 hours so lunch had to wait. Most of our clients dont have much else to do with their time, they are bored…so they pester us with demands and if we dont respond quickly they lose it.

Im sort of hanging on. I dont know how. Because i cant believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins (another colleague said on the phone to me today) we are overworked then it can go completely dead…so everyone says its great its so busy..but its really unhealthy! If i was boss, i would try to find a way in which we can share the income. When i used to run the office, i kept trying to promote a team basis of support but when it came down to it, that was just me helping everyone else. The girl who does my old job now, leaves at 6 on the dot. I think maybe people think im a fool but i would prefer to work in a happy atmosphere, making less, than an aggressive environment making more. Goes to show im not a true salesman.

I feel somehow that im still in the middle of this weird cosmic energy but coming out the other side..I just dont want it to ever happen again. You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. Its too much. Ive no idea if i did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most i think.