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    @cozycaravan said:
    Stefan, I don’t want to keep running around wondering. It’s so hard to pick one thing. I wish the universe would guide me to that one thing, and help illuminate where I should be and what I should be doing, but I know it doesn’t always work that way. I just don’t know how to take control of my life. It’s so scary.

    I’ve been in this exact same vote. In fact, I think we all have at one time and been caught in this vicious cycle inside our heads.

    If it’s one thing I did that really started my self-exploration process was the fact that I went traveling for quite some time. I went on my own, backpacked around, and by doing this I really got a sense of who I am and what makes me me. It wasn’t really until last year where I finally finalized on what it is I want to do with myself and pursue.

    One of the bigger questions I asked myself was essentially “what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life if money were no object?” What would I be willing to do and provide for work if I wasn’t getting paid. What it came down to for me was that I want to help others, inspire, motivate, and assist people get back on their feet and move again. I want them to become their best self both at a physical level and mental level. Really ask yourself this question, and you might break down here and there, but doing this you can uncover a lot.

    Secondly, what is it that you do on a daily basis that you love to do. What are your knacks? What are you good at? What are some things you find yourself lost in conversation with or reading about daily? These things can help focus you in on what it is that really makes up and embodies you. This is where knowing yourself really pays off. You can develop self-confidence once you understand yourself and love the things you do. Because you engage in these activities daily, you want to become better and better in this field, increasing that confidence ten fold to help carry you forward with your goals (hopefully that is doing something in the field that you engage yourself in daily).

    I have also spent a lot of time with myself doing “me” things. I ponder on life a lot, and what it means to be successful, happy, living, being alive, etc. Spending a lot of time with yourself you can discover the endless potential within and the possibilities, but eventually tuning in into that one thing that makes you feel alive.

    Little coconut, I have no doubt that you will find what it is that you want to do. Just, really try and explore yourself some more, whether it means spending alone time, going traveling, trying new experiences, and so forth. Just know and believe that everything is happening for a reason, and that you are on YOUR OWN LIFE PATH. Know that, and stay true to it!




    Whatever gets you through your day Jonathan.

    All the best.


    Alright going to update this due to recent events with me and the gal.

    So I decided as everyone mentioned to go off the charts for a bit do my thing. So I did. Four to five days pass and out of no where I get a message from her just a spontaneous “Hey! How are you?” kinda thing. I decide to play coy a bit and sent her a message just before work “Hey, just going to work, try me over the next couple days..”

    Sunday rolls around we end up messaging each other again and having a nice conversation. At this point I decide to to drop with the non-responsive waiting a certain period of time before texting thing, and chose to be my authentic genuine self. So I do and Im asking how she’s doing, how her weekend was, joking around, making her laugh, etc. End our conversation on a good note and told her if she has the next couple evenings off to give me a ring, she replies back “totally! ok have a good night!” I guess we can only perceive so much behind text what the actual intent is, but knowing her and her character I know she’s being her cheerful genuine self as I read the message.

    Monday rolls around no dice, ended up just shooting the shit with her before bed (text convo just checking in, joked around, laughed, was nice)

    The next day (which is today) I texted her a short but sweet message at the end of my shift suggesting a tea and movie night, turns out she already has plans…

    So I’m finally hitting a turning point and deciding enough is enough. I am sorry but I am genuinely suggesting evenings for us to get together, and even potentially holding nights free for a happening, but nothing is reciprocating back. She isn’t even suggesting an alternative day or night to get together. One of my friends told me to give it three tries, and after 3 and there is no bite, you need to cut your ties.

    Well it has been three times know over the past three weeks. If she honestly wanted to get together, as she mentioned 3 months ago, I believe she would have made the time of day for me. But at this point I feel so disheartened that it really is frustrating, and my mental and emotional health is drained! I’m so done! I’m going to finally stop asking, because it clearly shows that she isn’t willing to get together. And I’m sure if we do, it will be for the sole reason so I can lend her my textbook for the next semester. The question is, do I really want to now? I know I will because I am “a nice guy” (I hate this label…).

    At the end of the day, it’s only one person. It really is too bad because I saw so much potential in her. She really is a sweet heart and is amazing. But at some point I need to draw the line, and today I am doing so.

    Rant over. Thanks to who-ever listened.

    I feel as if I want to address her about this, but at the same time I probably shouldn’t. I know when I lend her the text though, I want to leave her a note. Due to my life changing next year in a big way, I won’t be around town anymore nor going to the same university, so I thought as a tid-bit I’d write her a memorable something and leave it in the text.

    Anyways, any last advice on this whole ordeal would be cool. If not, thanks for listening/reading. Much appreciated.

    – Spidey


    It is what it is man. The world is messed up. What you decide to focus on though will affect your psyche. If you want to focus on the bad in the world to the point where it consumes you and you can’t fix it, then mate you need to focus on something else.

    I think a lot of us are aware of what’s going on the world, such as all these things as you’ve mentioned. It’s wrong yes. But regardless, it will still occur. If you want to know more about the truth, watch films like ‘Food Inc.’. These things are eye openers for sure, but what you decide to do with the information presented to you is in your control.


    i want to change my greatest fear – that im unlovable and will end up alone in life

    Right now you’re building an impression in your mind, and when you build these negative impressions, unfortunately we attract them. Instead, you should rephrase this and repeat it as a mantra in the mornings:

    I AM lovable and I WILL end up being with an amazing partner.

    It’s all about switching the mindset from the negative to the positive. Once we apply a focus on something we give it a meaning. Whatever meaning we give it will produce the action. In your scenario you decide to focus on the negative aspects. The meaning you gave to these thoughts resulted to bringing you down, and as a result you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

    Try this:

    Focus on the positive aspects in your life. As you mentioned earlier you’re “pretty, fun, nice interactive, fun loving, caring, and sensitive.” Now, focus on the good attributes, and now give them a meaning. What does this mean to you? Does it mean that you’re your own person who is awesome? Does it mean that you’re exactly those things you just mentioned: fun, loving, caring, interactive? Once you apply the meaning to your focus, now produce action. So now you’re focusing on the good in your life, and it means that you’re actually an awesome person. In response now, I want to keep working on the good in my life plus some.

    Oh, and along the way, your self-confidence will increase as you do this.


    Thank you everyone, much appreciated.

    I started off today getting my errands done, and I did what I normally do and that is go for a hike/run. Got to the top had a good lookout over the ocean, and I’ve come to realize that this whole scenario is minuscule and not worth my time.

    So in response to you guys and my realization, I’m letting it go. If she comes around, I ain’t making any promises on the first encounter. If she wants my time, she’s going to need to earn it.

    Aside from all that, I’m just going to keep doing my thing and keep busy.

    Thread still open for chit-chat with dating and its many frustrations.


    Thank you both for the advice, and Inky.


    You’re completely right. Although my intentions are solely on wanting to hangout with her for no expectations at all, deep down I do want something more. And yes perhaps I saw something more, but it isn’t going to unfold if I keep falling into these traps. I’m going to just let it go and carry on. Unless she contacts me then I’ll do what AikiBen suggested.

    Thing is, I feel as if I start to decline her invites now, that she will grow uninterested, and although I want to hangout with her and see her, declining her invites just b/c to play a “mind game” is stupid, when in fact I could easily meet up with her. This is why I despise playing mind games and dating in general… it sucks.


    So you’re saying to go off the grid right now, then when she initiates to get together the next two times to decline them both? Sounds tactful, and fair enough; however, as I previously mentioned, I feel as if the more I decline, the more she will grow uninterested then I’m getting no where. Thing is, by doing nothing I’m getting somewhere with her? By doing nothing it feels like I’m getting nowhere.

    We’re due to meet up eventually because I did promise her I’d lend her a textbook for a uni class she is taking next semester. So whether it’s just for a quick get together or we grab coffee/tea or something, then she’s getting the textboook. Or should I start with this “mind-game” then? First suggestion decline it tell her I’m busy. At that point she will just be wanting the book more at this moment instead of actually getting together legitimately. And what if she asks me openly “What days are you going to be available this week?” Then should I just respond and say I’m busy all week sorry? Then what if she flips the cards on me.. “Ok let me know when you can get together…”

    Mind-games suck. Why can’t we just be straight up and honest with each other and call it a day? It would be so much easier in the long run. But no, it has to be a game and there are rules and guidelines.. it sucks.

    My nice guy intentions will just compromise and want to come to a mutual agreement on a get together. By me playing the ignorance cards and not responding and saying no intentionally just seems wrong is all.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Spidey.

    Just so I won’t derail this thread, I will answer a few of those other questions in separate threads I will make!

    I guess it’s all about being okay with being uncomfortable.

    Get comfortable with being uncomfortable! Exactly!


    Sounds like you’re taking the necessary steps man which is good. Slowly getting out of your comfort zone is a great one. Do you enjoy hiking or running? I know for myself, because I as well am notorious for staying in my comfort zone, when I go on my hikes, I try and go somewhere different and in the unknown, giving me that sense of new and exploration, going out of my comfort zone. I know that helps a lot on days when I get outside.

    I honestly think you should make it a weekly thing (depending on how much free time you have), that is finding that refresher and getting out more in social scenarios with your girlfriend, or doing things solo. I know one thing for myself that has boosted my confidence and decreased my anxiety was going to bars on my own and going to the movies on my own. When I first started doing this I was completely out of my comfort zone and it felt awkward. But now, I go out on a whim and do things solo without developing anxiety. But I took the first step of action and exposed myself to the anxious trigger.

    Find new sources of inspiration. In terms of outdoor settings, music, videos, speakers (role models), etc. Every morning I either read an inspiring article or watch a “feel good” or thought provoking video to kickstart my day. Develop a morning ritual you do that betters your wellbeing. Develop higher standards and rituals for you. You deserve that.



    Rock Banana hit a lot of points bang on. Mate, I’ve been seeing you post here on the forums a lot, and I’ve offered to reach out to you personally, and even given you advice in numerous threads. Some of these responders are being sympathetic and I get that. We all feel good after a little bit of reassurance by a “oh it’ll be okay” or “I know how you feel it gets better” and etc. As much as I get what they’re trying to do, that is boost your spirit, I’m going to tell you a bit differently. So I’m just going to lay it right here in front of you:

    You are attracting all of the negativity that is happening in your life. Life isn’t just going to miraculously get better for you on a whim. That is not how it works. As Rock Banana said, “create the life you want to create.” One of the most common things I’ve been seeing in your posts is the amount of negative self-talk you bring upon yourself. That is not helping you get anywhere at all. If anything, it is creating the future scenarios for you as you are manifesting them. Why bring yourself down and dig a deeper hole? You need to take control of your physiology and thought processes.

    Calm yourself. Practice diaphragmatic breathing. Practice mindfulness. Spend alone time with yourself in nature. Exercise. Listen to inspirational music (I can recommend you a lot!). Watch inspiring videos (I can provide links). Try new things. Break out of your comfort zone. Practice these rituals. Start journaling (very therapeutic, jot down what you are grateful for).

    I can keep expanding this list, but ultimately, it comes down to you taking action. What is your motive for action? What makes you tick? Are you going to let circumstances hold you down because you are putting a bad meaning on it, or are you going to invert that meaning and act accordingly? Are you going to let life beat you down permanently?

    Change isn’t going to happen over night. It takes persistence, perseverance, patience, and courage. Practice it day in and day out. Get out of your mind of negative thought and let go of thought. Remember what it was like being a baby and experiencing things for the first time as it were all new to you? Guess what, we didn’t have thought control us there, we had wonder because thought wasn’t there. Our minds were focused on our surroundings, not in our mind. The ego is so damaging, and the more you let thought control your life, the more you are stuck and confined by the walls you put up for yourself.

    I can go on and on Stefan. I don’t want to see you just ending your life. You are better than that. Know that. Believe that. Manifest that. BUT. You need to take that first step and take action. And train your mind.

    The next time I see you post, I want to see a changed Stefan, not a Stefan who is still talking down on himself. Because that isn’t going to get you anywhere in life.



    There is so much I can write down here, but I feel as if I can get through to you better via skype-conversation of some sorts. I don’t want to nit-pick this post apart, as I see there are a lot of things I can point out.

    Add me on Skype, and if you don’t have Skype get it. My account is b.barker101

    I want to help you overcome this battle.

    My personal e-mail is brettwbarker@hotmail.com

    Let me help you.


    Any further advice for when I have days where I feel a bit slack about doing anything?
    Go to bed earlier the night before? Allow myself to have a day of chilling?

    If you mean by “feel a bit slack” in terms of having no motivation and feeling down about yourself, the best thing I strongly recommend and urge is to try and get outside and go for a walk. Unless you’re “feeling a bit slack” in terms of having a productive day then just wanting to relax after a long day, then yeah going to bed early and recouping is a good idea. But if you’re using that “slack time” because you’re feeling depressed and have no energy, then you really need to try and get out of you head.

    When you do fall into the depressive mindset, really try and focus on the triggers that set it off. What thoughts were circulating in your head when the feelings came about? Did any pressures get put onto you?

    Once you have that focus on that particular trigger Stefan, apply a meaning to it. What does it mean? There is no right or wrong as it is subjective, but you need to give that focus a meaning, because the next step is asking yourself “what are you going to do about it?” This is where you need to act and take action. Because once your mindset is fixed, and you make it purposeful, then the action will unfold naturally.

    Also, when you have days when you are just “not feeling it”, identify “why” you’re not feeling it. Once again, apply your focus, derive meaning from it, and act from that meaning.

    I hope this helps. When you do fall into that depressed mindset, try and apply those three steps, and tell me what you got out of it.

    All the best,



    I’m happy that you took something away from us Lauren. Please, update us on your progress over the coming weeks!


    Little coconut,

    Keep me updated on your progress! I am glad that I was able to shift your mindset in some way. In response to your “working 9-5, feel like I should be doing…” The big thing is, don’t do things that you should be doing. Instead, do things that you want to do. Don’t do what society intends you should do; do what you think you should do. If it means taking a leave of absence from your studies, quitting your job, taking a trip, taking a small hiatus, volunteer abroad, anything!! The reason why we fall into these slums is because society as put a generic label on things such as “by this point you need to be in school, by this point you need to have a career” etc. and you know what, a lot of people fall into this trap and become the sheep; they follow the herd! One thing I suggest is don’t be like everyone else and follow others. Go down your own journey and define it yourself.

    For myself, I’ve been out of high-school for 5 years now and I’m just going back full-time next year and studying what I love to do. I’ll be 24 by that point, and by the time I graduate I’ll be 28. Despite others getting their degrees much younger, it doesn’t matter! I’m doing my own thing and that’s what matters the most. Live your own life and don’t follow others based on what they’re doing. Because what they’re doing isn’t you. You are you and not them.

    I have faith in you! But you need to have it in yourself first and foremost!

    All the best to you, and please keep me updated with your progressions through all of it!




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