Hi Spidey,

I’ve been through this myself when I was at college and all through uni- so several years. Since that time I’ve learned how to turn the tables, I went from exactly where you are to having girls addicted to me, yes I appear very arrogant right now saying that, I’m aware of that, but I just want to tell you the truth so you know I’ve been through it and come out the other side successful.

Firstly, Dude is bang on the money, follow his advice. My intentions were also honourable as you put it, I’m very selective when it comes to women and I was in no way a user of women. There is a logic to women (I learned this from David DeAngelo, so I have to acknowledge him here, you can find his materials online), but it is counter-intuitive. The principle operating in your situation is identical to marketing: people want what they can’t have, it also works the opposite way. I can see you are beginning to grasp this but not putting it into action firmly enough. Do you think it is a coincidence that she suddenly started contacting you after you didn’t talk to her “all spring and summer”?

You still have a chance with this woman as you haven’t done anything horrendously needy to end all hope, but it is on the edge of a knife. What I would personally do here is not contact her at all now. I think she will initiate contact again in time, not definitely but there’s a good chance. If and when she does, reply but fairly nonchalantly, without being rude though. Just keep your reply short and sweet. If you get this far she will probably suggest meeting up in some way shortly later (again wait for her to contact you!). Say NO to this request! That you’re busy whatever and maybe some other time, but don’t promise anything, that’s it for now. This is the point the tables begin to turn. Again, wait for her to initiate, there’s a very good chance she will later on. If she does then again I’d be quite nonchalant and say I’m busy then, but maybe in two weeks time etc, text me again around that time and maybe we can meet. An excellent thing which David D says it to never give a direct answer to a woman unless it’s “NO”, that keeps the stock prices high so to speak.

Now, that was the short-term, technique answer. However, all of the above is just technique and you can use it with success with practice, however it is not really authentic- you are acting not-needy but really, inside you are needy, otherwise you literally wouldn’t invest so much of yourself into it. I can tell you that if you just learn the logic and apply it and become successful with women, it will not make you happy. I wish I could make you believe me but there is no way I can, you may have to go through this yourself to know for yourself that this is true. This is the reason I’ve told you the technique, some on here will likely criticise me for doing so because I’m teaching you to not be authentic. The truth is, I’ve told you what to do so that you can walk the path yourself, come out the side, and become a better person because of it. The real answer is I’m afraid, as usual, not a quick fix, the real answer is to address your inner self- to create a strong boundary (you will then naturally be non-needy), how to have strong integrity, keep your power/self-esteem, basically how to become a mature, masculine man. By the way I’m still learning, and I’m not being critical of you here, we are all at our own stage of growth, you are clearly already way ahead of the game compared to many. But if you learn this, think what a gift to a great woman you will be in the future, and a gift to the world! I actually invested in David D’s ‘inner game’ program which is what started me on this path. I can tell you that although it’s a struggle at first, if you commit to it, the results are more than worth it, all aspects of your life will improve!

This is a highly pervasive issue in modern day society, all the people on dating sites NEEDING a partner (not all admittedly, but many). Feeling complete yourself first is essential. This is also the only way I believe to have a truly healthy relationship because true love is an act of giving, if you come to a relationship to get something, to fill a missing part inside, then it will lead to trouble somewhere along the line. Someone does not complete you, strive to be already complete, then if a relationship comes along it will be the icing on cake- you will already be happy mind, it is doable!. Too many have no ‘cake’ to start with and want someone else to be the cake.

A pitfall to avoid if you do walk this path is that, you are not trying to make yourself better, but rather learn what it takes to be the real you you are capable of being deep down. For example, rather than feeling all needy around a woman, which consequently prevents you from being yourself, when you lose the neediness (which pushes women away, people in general for that matter), women will feel drawn towards you when you interact with them, it’s surreal when this happens. However, it is important to still keep your integrity at such times, if you feel the woman is not right for you you honour that and do not take advantage of her. Do it if you want and you will feel the consequences of your actions very quickly inside. Anyway, getting ahead of myself here

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Ben.

Can I just add, that as a woman, most of us instinctively know when a guy uses tips and techniques from well meaning “gurus” such as David DeAngelo. I’m not saying don’t try them, I am saying don’t be surprised if they don’t work. If you like this girl, trust me, all the tips and tricks have been tried on her before!

So if I were the girl and a nice guy suddenly says “No”, postpones the date, doesn’t text first, (add more guru tips here), etc. I know I’m being (unsuccessfully) played.

Go Old School. Date other girls because with this one it takes ten years to say “hello” anyway because she is so busy. There is a chance that she will be interested in you when other girls are, but so what? Let her finish school, do her three jobs, and volunteer work in peace.

I don’t think you should get too concerned with how to play mind games.
I’m with you in that I’ve always felt it’s ridiculous to act out of character to try and seem desirable, but it’s basic psychology.
We want what we think we can’t have. We want to feel like we’ve attained something.

I still think this one is a lost cause, but if she does try to speak to you again, don’t be too easy.
If someone is interested in you, they won’t give up easily just because you’re busy.
If a girl likes you, she’ll react how you’re reacting right now.
She’ll wonder why you’re taking long to reply, etc.

But she has led you on more than once, so the next time (if there is one) she arranges something, blow her off – nicely.
Say you’re busy… tending to children in Africa or something equally charming.
Don’t put her, or any other girl, on a pedestal because then you start acting all wimpish and needy.

And, like I said, maybe she’s just not into you.
Maybe she doesn’t see you as her type. Maybe she wants some guy with a hectic schedule.
If you’re anything like I was, when I was single, you have too much free time and want to fill it.
Sounds like she’s the opposite.
Not a good match.

Don’t think too much – Ben’s advice should be taken lightly. You don’t need to think into details. Just play things out how you see fit. Don’t appear to eager. Think what a girl would want in a boyfriend and be that.

Most importantly, put her in the back of your mind and stop waiting around.
Go and seek out somebody new and if she comes chasing, good.
If not, so be it.

Lots of great advice here and the friend zone dilemma is one that every man have to face as a rite of passage. One thing that I’ve learned later in life is that women are much stronger emomtionally than men are, almost to the proportion that men are generally physically stronger than women. So instead of playing mind games like pretending be busy or worry about what she said or text and anticipate how to answer her answer (I have to admit that I’ve done this before too), check with how you feel about her behaviour and act accordingly. For example, if you are available on Monday, just let her know that’s the day you have free and if she can’t meet it, it is up to her to suggest an alternative. Her time maybe valuable because of her lifestyle but so is yours. Remember that and you will stop going out of your way to accommodate her.

Another thing that you should consider is what being her “friend” will do to you. How would you feel when she goes out with one idiot after another but come to your for emotional support when things didn’t work out? If your answer is something negative, then there is a good chance that you are not ready to be “just friends” and it is unhealthy for one party to get what they want in a relationship while the other doesn’t.

The truth is, she told you what she wanted a friendship fairly early in the piece and you could have said “thanks but no thanks” and let it end there. If she thinks that you’re a potential for a relationship, she would respond differently. I know it sounds a bit harsh but like the others here, I believe you deserve better.

Hi Spidey!

I felt like I needed to say this even though it seems you have resolved the issue in your mind. I think I mainly want to write you for others like you in the same situation.

As a female that has been in a similar situation but in her position, it sounds like she just isn’t that into you relationship-wise. She’s just trying to be nice ( in her mind) by not telling you that you are in the friend zone. She may or may not realize that she is doing this though. However, I need to tell you, move on. If she wanted you in that way she would move mountains to just be with you for a little while. I am not trying to be mean or offensive but I don’t like to see people hurt and dragged along in relationshits wasting their time longing for someone who won’t give them the time of day. If you want to stay friends that’s great but don’t expect it to go further than that, it just seems to me she is using you for attention.

If you approached her and opened up to her about your feelings and she wanted you she’d try to be with you every waking minute. Find someone like that. Hope that helps and sorry about the run ons. Best wishes.

Hey Spidey,
I understand where you’re coming from and of course, most guys go through this kind of thing. To me, it sounds like you’re thinking way too much about this situation and over analyzing it will only make things worse. If she’s not making an effort then I think her actions speak loudly enough. I appreciate your sincere intentions, but if it’s not happening my advice would be to stop forcing things and just let go. By opposing this you’re just causing yourself stress.

If you strive to flow with life, you’ll attract much greater people. If you meet opposition, you need to know without a doubt, that you’re willing to give everything to overcome that obstacle. If you keep resisting every change you don’t like you’ll spend your entire life in the dirt. You need to know yourself well enough to know what is worth fighting for and what is worth your time and energy. Spending your time thinking about this, worrying about what’s going to happen, or could happen is wasting your life. Would you think it wise to invest your life in a person who shows little consideration for your happiness if you know you had very little time left?

I also want to say that respecting yourself is essential and having respect for yourself will keep you from investing so much of yourself in people and things that don’t treat you the way you deserve. Though you may think you have this type of respect, it may need closer attention. Learn from this experience and see it as an opportunity to be a better man and partner.

I hope this helps and good luck to you, my friend.

thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you need any advice.