Thank you both so much for your replies. After 6 days now I have started to run out of tears. Tomorrow will be hard though, the day I lost Harry a week ago. The house is so dead, so quiet I hate it.
Inky, I can’t get my head around what you said in your first paragraph and I certainly can’t derive any comfort from it. I know you wouldn’t have meant any upset by it though. The probation idea could be the way to go.
Kori, thank you so much for your kind words, you obviously have wonderful pets yourself. What you say makes so much sense but I also feel that if I didn’t have Harry after the breakup I may have thought and reacted differently about my ex. I had Harry for comfort and I spoilt him with all my love. I feel like I took him a little for granted at how much he helped me through. I never expected he could be gone in a instant. Damn,crying again.
Harry made it easy for me to block out my ex and ignore all his attempts to contact me. I ignored him because I believed he still had no clue or understanding about why things went wrong and that he though I was being unreasonable and he just wanted to get me to change my mind. Now that he has finally got the chance to talk to me he has spilled his guts and is deeply remorseful and sorry for his actions and see the changes that need to be made. You are right, if Harry had not died then I still would have ignored him and never heard what he had to say. I did miss him and wished it had worked out, but Harry made it possible for me to put those thoughts out of my mind.
We have spoken some more over the phone and it feels so easy to slip back into good conversations we used to have. I will take things slow. I am going to look at another house today and I am taking my other 2 dogs with me this time. Its so hard to not think ” if only I had taken them the first time”

Thank you so much for replying Yue and xwhy. A lot of what you say Yue, is how I feel about it except that I am not looking for friendship I am looking for a serious relationship. He is not in a rush despite the offer of a cruise. (it was already booked before we met). I think I know I will be turning the offer down.
I think there might have been a bit of misunderstanding about how I view a relationship xwhy. I believe what you say may be true and that is what I was suggesting that I give it a go because my previous relationships have been based on “instant attraction”, spark etc. but they didn’t last so that not being the case with this guy I want to see if anything develops further and so was questioning if I should take a chance with the cruise offer.

My life is spiralling downhill financially and socially. I need a partner in my life. For some strange reason the minute people read that last sentence they are ready to jump on you and say how wrong it is to think that way. Yet I am pretty sure the majority of the human population has a partner, family and friends that help support them this way.
I cant forget about relationships until I sort myself out, because financially that wont happen unless I win the lottery. I am not going to look like a good potential partner when I live on the street and am destitute and miserable.
Life is short I feel there is no time to waste when looking for a life partner.
Sorry, just needed to vent. Thanks again for the replies.

Thank you sojourner, your words are a great comfort to me.

Hi Kelly, firstly I can see it looks bad that I want his to son to move out and I questioned the thought for a long time. So I need to clarify a few points that made me come to my decision. He is not a “boy” at 17. He drinks and smokes and has a steady girlfriend he sleeps with. ( she has stayed over several times) He “can” stay with his mother, just because they argue all the time is not my problem.
If he didn’t waste money on smokes and alcohol he would have enough money from his casual work to share rent with his mates which he would like to do. My partner was putting his son before our relationship because he wouldn’t get his son to follow the boundaries I set that led me to a breakdown.( when he new it would be a difficult adaption for me to have his son stay)
I have had the big talk with my partner yesterday and told him all of this. He finally could see how all of this was effecting us and we are taking steps to fix things.
I too was a child of divorce and abuse from my father. I couldn’t wait to live on my own, and so I was at 17 with a live in job. I didn’t rely on my parents for anything. Never have and never will. Each to their own I guess. But it is time for me to be happy so that is what I aim to do 🙂

Hi Sojourner, thank you for your insight. I know I have done some compromising but in my mind it is his wages paying the mortgage and I pay the bills etc, so I’m not sure how balanced this all is. Also, he came into the relationship with money from his divorce and put a fair bit of it into my mortgage, but we are still spending more that we earn and eating into this money and because it was his money I feel reluctant to go on about it. It is my property from a previous relationship, that I had to fight tooth and nail to keep. I feel it is very generous of him to pay the mortgage when his name is not on the title.
As far as his son goes I did lay down rules such as no smoking anywhere near the house as I can’t tolerate the smell, but he smokes just outside and I do smell it and he comes in reeking of it. The drinking I feel is none of my business as long as he doesn’t get drunk. I would never tolerate it if he were my child though. He is not a mouthy or rude teen so I am grateful for that. He does not have his drivers licence yet so my partner also spends a lot of time taking him to town on weekends that also eats into our alone time together that I really miss.
I must have painted him as a spendthrift, but I must clarify it is more talk of buying this and that now that actually spending the money. He has reined it in, but I feel only because he knows it stresses me out not because we need to watch what we spend. I feel like a scrooge always saying, no we can’t afford it, then angry that he doesn’t realise it.
Honestly, if I were to get a second job tomorrow, I feel I would tell him it’s over even if it meant I had to eat 3 minute noodles to get by. But that’s when the guilt sets in. He has nowhere to go and he has a heart operation due next month. ( a big expense that can’t be helped). It would be so much easier to sort this out and get back to the way we were. I worry that even if he did tell his son to move back to his mums or wherever, he would resent me for it and I don’t want that.
I don’t feel confident to have this talk with him for fear of his response and then mine. This is all I think about 24/7. It’s making me ill.