Thanks Inky, I agree with you. They need their space. I have made sure that the past 7 months that visitations were just the two of them….for many reasons. I am not trying to influence anybody, I’m watching things unfold.

My current struggle is not my interactions with him. My current struggle is coming to terms with things within myself.

Finding acceptance for the situation.
Finding peace within myself over this break up that is confusing.

KMW, Wow! What a feeling when somebody “gets it.” Amazing!

I wonder, Do you think your husband can ever see who you genuinely are? Does this bother you?

I see so much truth in your post.

I am struggling to make sense of many of the pieces of our relationship.

Unfortunately, breaking up is not up to me. I don’t want distance from him. I just want distance from the dysfunction that he brings to me. However, I do not have BPD. I know that I cannot “split” him that way.

I have thought that he has BPD. I have read up on it very much and have been successful in dealing with him as tho he actually has NPD or BPD. I found info on how schema therapy can be helpful, and it was indeed. I accepted the role of being the emotional caretaker of the relationship, the “adult.” Like you say, exhausting at times.

Last year, I flat out went to our therapist and said I felt my bf had BPD. I was told that we all have traits of things and it is all on a continuum, however he did not think he had a diagnosable amount of BPD “traits.” He has never been self injurious, he does not fear friends abandoning him, it is just dynamics with people that are very close to him that he gets that way. (His mom, or partner, sees his kid as an all good extension for narcissistic supply) I agree with you. I feel so validated by your observations. I feel he has a mild type of BPD.

Our therapist admitted that his ego identity is not fully developed and that it needed work.

I don’t want a break up. His wife has caused us such harm. Now his daughter has taken her place and has expressed desire to kill us and I do not doubt her wish. However, she is on the golden child pedestal and he is now being coerced and controlled by his teen and he cannot see it. I have had to tell him that she cannot come to our home for visitations because of the threats she has made and I am fearful and feel his codependent behavior contributes to her trying to hurt us. He is not going to renew a lease with me. He wants a home that his daughter can come to 6x a yr for her visitations. I want a home that promotes a greater sense of security for us all….or just me and my son.

Neither of us is budging. I guess I just need to talk it out loud some here to get it more sorted somehow. It is a hard thing.

How do I make peace with a break up that I feel shouldn’t be?
I have never broken up with someone where we both wanted one another. How can this be?

Why am I still clinging onto “what should.”
How do I find acceptance?

I think I will do as you say and browse around the BPD forums, look at the JADE lessons. I just feel like there is something more I need to learn from reviewing our relationship. I do not think it will change the course of things, nothing for the past 7 months has indicated that, but I need it to make more sense somehow.

Thank you so much for kindly sharing your experience. It means so much to me to hear such understanding. I really am glad for the different perspective. I feel just a bit less alone for it. Warm thoughts your way too! 🙂

Thank you KMW!

Thank you for your care and perspective Niyata. I agree with what you say and I have stuck by him, supporting him, counseling, but he does not see it still. I have been explaining that I am not her, for years, he has such trouble making connections with his feelings. I have PTSD too so I get it, not being able to connect with your feelings and being overwhelmed by them. He cannot tell what he is even feeling most time.

I know he is not sitting there consciously thinking of ways to hurt me but the result of him having feelings he doesn’t connect with, causes him to be reactive/over reactive and overprotective of himself and is hurtful to me just the same.

When I was dealing with these same things years ago from my own trauma, I could at least take on another persons perspective and also have compassion for them even tho I was scared. He is more emotionally underdeveloped and sees things as a child in that they are black and white/ good or bad. So if he feels hurt, he assumes I hurt him, assumes I’m abusing him and I am not. His cause and affect are all backwards. He is not malicious, but his delusions of me being against him get stronger, not less, with each disagreement we have. I can say there is no bread to my son, and he overhears interprets it as an attack, like as if I insulted his ability to provide, he desperately came to me the next day to show me that there was bread in the freezer. Then he was disappointed when I pointed out that I could not make French toast with that type, I meant that there was no sliced sandwich bread, it was no big deal at all to me. I can only imagine the abuse he endured when he behaves that way.

I do not want to leave him. (We still live together for now) He has broken up with me and I know it is because he is running from his PTSD. It is not what I wanted, but how things are unfolding. I have tried to influence things in the other direction.

Thank you for sharing with me Niyata. I have been through trauma and am forever grateful for those that helped me when I could not help myself. I am glad that you have received the support and compassion that you need.

Thank you Moongal!

I think sometimes I get focused on others and “forget” myself.

I wonder if others deal with this.