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how do I forgive and forget

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Fifi.
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  • #73672
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I was with my ex boyfriend for about 4.5 years, we were engaged and lived together for 2 years. It was both of our first times living out of our parents homes so I would like to think that is a big deal. About 4 months after he proposed is when we moved in together and immediately things went downhill. He became very distant and mean, we faught all night long just about every night and he would say very ugly things to me that literally have hurt me to my core. We faught about anything and everything which became his excuse for not coming home some nights and an increase in “guy nights” with the boys. He completely changed. 2 years went by of being ignored, spoken down to, and what I feel was verbal abuse. I loved this man so much I tried to hang in there but after one last fight, he told me I am just taking the place of the woman who could make him happy, I realized he was right,maybe I just can’t make him happy. So I packed up and moved out the next day while he was at work. I thought by doing this he would move on and live life and be happy but it has been over a year since the breakup and he still tells me everyday that he loves me and wishes he could turn back time. He has showered me with attention, gifts, love letters, phone calls for no reason. Everything a woman wants from a man I get from him now that we are BROKEN UP. I still won’t even tell him where I live because we are broken up. Anyways, I entertain his idea of getting back together. I want to, and I love him, and a year of being apart I think has taught us a lot but I can’t stop having random flashbacks to the ugly arguments we had in the past. Sometimes the words he has said won’t shut up and they still make me cry as if it just happened. It is causing a huge hurdle in our efforts to move forward together because I have been so deeply devastated by this man in the past. For the first few months after our breakup I couldn’t keep a job because I was so lost in my thoughts and memories, it consumed me until I was finally able to shove it to the back of my mind. I have tried talking about it with him but it doesn’t help me and just makes him feel terrible over and over. The memories just repeat randomly and send me into anxiety attacks then I become mean and bitter about everything. I don’t know how to just release the pain from the ugly past and move forward. Maybe I am not supposed to? I WANT to see where he and I could go in life, maybe it’s together, maybe not, but I know I don’t want to sabotage anything with these terrible flashbacks. Where do I start and how do I finish?

    #73677
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Becky,

    When you lived together, you saw his Shadow Side. Everyone has one, by the way. He made the mistake of showing his. Constantly for two years!! I can see getting back together with someone after they had said something in anger or had one good fight. But this was emotional abuse.

    If you get back together with him, don’t move in with him. And would you really marry or have a child with him? Then you’re stuck.

    Him not knowing where you live? Very wise.

    The more you “deal” with the flashbacks, the more they stay with you. But if you push them back, they are still in you subconscious. Time, time, and more time will make it a little better by increments.

    Pick Someone who Treats you like a Queen,

    Inky

    #73678
    Sunfl0wer
    Participant

    Hi Becky,

    I am sorry that you had to go through this experience.
    I agree with you, that it sounds like this is a verbal and emotionally abusive relationship.

    Abusive relationships are a lot about control. It would be consistent for an emotional abuser that has been walked out on to “change” back into showering with attention and concern. It is about control, and you took that away when you walked out expecting the relationship to be over.

    Please consider:
    Why did things begin to go downhill after you moved in? He had what he wanted, no reason to woo?
    Why did he not “change” before you broke up with him?
    What advice would you give if you were giving advice to your daughter the same age as you now?

    Take a look at this site:
    http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/

    #73721
    Will
    Participant

    Yeah, if he abused you to the point that you’re still having flashbacks and it’s affected your ability to work, maybe err on the side of not giving him another chance to do that again.

    Sometimes relationships are broken beyond repair. I think this is one of those times.

    You should definitely work on letting go of the past and dealing with it so it doesn’t haunt you to this degree. But I’m not going to give you advice on how to do that so you can get back with this guy. I think both of you should take the lessons you learned and apply them to your next relationship, not try to resurrect something that should have been in the graveyard for a year.

    #73767
    Kline
    Participant

    I agree with everything said above. Sometimes you just need what people say to jibe with what is in your heart. There is no way this man is the one who is going to care for you and love you. No way. He hasn’t had time to learn how to treat a woman right. By the time he does, you will have moved on. As far as letting go, the biggest way to start helping yourself, is to take a step away from the thought of him, have compassion on yourself, and say to yourself, O I am thinking about this again. Look, there go those thoughts again. After you accept it for a while you can let the thought go, until it comes around again. Thoughts and feelings are not really us. They are just our attachments to this world. Our true self is full of compassion, and tries to look at these thoughts with compassion and even humor – Ah, yes, from the perspective history of the whole human race – look at this thought tangle I have.
    Well, and of course there are many other ways to move forward, and create your beautiful life, but that is one to try. Take care of yourself.

    #73813
    Fifi
    Participant

    I think the issue on forgiving this guy is clearly resolved. You’ve forgiven him, if not, you will not communicate with him or even consider to get back with him again.

    The only problem is that, even after getting the attention and “Everything a woman wants from a man” from him, you still have those flashbacks. That means a lot that is why you are hesitating on being with him again!

    It means you believe it in your heart that he is that monster even though he is showing you his angel face now.

    This is one of the reasons why i agree with “Will” that this is one of those broken relationships beyond repair, because as much as you have forgiven him and still loved him, those flashbacks still haunts you.

    Therefore, even if you convince yourself that your love for him is stronger than your fears, you will never have a peaceful relationship ever again. Because everyday, at the back of your mind, you’ll always have that fear and doubts about him.

    But yes, agreed, you’ve forgiven him, give it to yourself!

    The real question is, do you really want to forget him?

    If you do, as difficult and cruel it may sound, i suggest that you tell him for the last time what is really hindering you to be with him again. I say tell him, don’t discuss it with him, this is just to say goodbye and not to try resolve it with him.

    Then cut him off your life at least, until you are able to move on with your life. You succeeded on not letting him know where you live, try hard on cutting him off of your social media accounts and if possible ignore his text messages or his phone calls and don’t meet him anymore.

    You will not be able to forget him if you keep your communication with him open. It is not your secret residence that is preventing you to move on or to forget him, it is your communication with him.

    How can you forget him when you are not trying to forget him? Allow yourself to entertain other men to shower you the love and care you deserved?

    If after cutting him off of your life and you allowed yourself to live your life with other prospect of love, you realize you still love him and you still remember him, then fine, it is justified you truly love him and you cannot forget him!

    But justifying your true love for him and not being able to forget him does not justify getting back with him, because sometimes, the romantic idea of ending up with the one you love for the rest of your life is not romantic at all. Sometimes, loving yourself so that another person can love you wholeheartedly is the best way to go.

    Love yourself and allow yourself to be loved “correctly”!

    You’ve already wasted two years of your life to be abused by this guy and another year after you broke up, to be still controlled by him, don’t waste another day please.

    For him to continue control your life like this is so selfish of him. That alone, should give you an idea of his kind of love.

    So, you really want to forgive and forget him? You’ve done the forgiving part, start on the forgetting, let go of him and live your life without him, and if that doesn’t work, maybe you are not suppose to forget him, maybe you should always remember him so you will always be reminded that his way of love is not the right way of expressing love.

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