(She has been in therapy for years, inpatient as well. There are some issues though that are only exacerbated by treatment and I believe that is what she is dealing with. Her therapist admitted to us he was shocked by her manipulative ways. It is a difficult situation and I feel for him and his pain in this, however, he copes mostly by “forgetting” what has happened and blankets himself in denial.)

Thank you for patience Maggie, I hope it does not seem like I am going in circles here. I am just truly trying to make sense of things.

Yes, parting ways feels wrong to me, in my heart, and I feel that he feels this way too which is why neither of us is out looking for another apartment even though there may be a waiting list to be on one. (So ultimately one of us will have to make a move)

Yes, he is taking things out on me. Yes, he does not want to hurt me.

I am trying to apply some Buddhism ways of thinking to my situation and this is the best I am coming up with…

I may do well to focus more on loving myself.

I may do well to stop clinging onto my desires for the relationship that I wish we would be.

I wish I could expand on those two or add more to that thinking.

Also, I have never parted ways with a man that I thought was right for me and me for him and he felt the same. This is what seems wrong to me. How does that happen? Maybe I need to start a new post with that being the topic?

Thank you again for listening and sharing!

Hi Maggie,

Yes, thinking of the “BIG” issue I left out is overwhelming and intentional. I was worried that it would take over the focus of my words, of our relationship and love, just as it has in our real lives. I was hoping for feedback without consideration of The Big Issue.

Yes, I am in charge of much of the relationship work, he has worked hard too over the years. He has spent much time in therapy with me and really does give it his best. I feel that we all have strengths and weaknesses and mine is insight and awareness in our relationship, therefore I’m ok with that role. He over contributes in other areas that I lack. I think the point though is am I more invested and am I the only person of us both that really wants this or do I just want it more than him? The answer is that I do believe he loves and wants us to be together as much as I want it but he has intentionally sabotaged things because of The Big Issue.

I have given him much space these months. Recently he has taken up a separate bedroom. It doesn’t matter because he is stuck on and consumed by The Big Issue. Ugh!! The relationship is running its course and going to naturally end. It just feels so wrong as I know we both want to be together.

So The Big Issue: His teenage daughter has expressed that she does not want to visit him anymore and has said that she would like to kill us. There is so much more to it, so much that has happened. Anyway, I do not doubt her desire and ability to hurt us. I have found proof of her deception and desire and smaller things she has done to spite us. It is not simply typical teen anger and confusion, but she also lacks sufficient empathy and remorse. I have felt the need to set more boundaries to protect us all and I have insisted that she can no longer come to the house for visitations but that they need to be done elsewhere. The biggest fight was that he wanted her here for Christmas but this frightened me because even if I left and gave them the house, she could possibly tamper the food that I come back to or something else. M has taken my words as a personal attack against him and his daughter. That is not the case, I have loved her for years, she is troubled and I feel that her anger towards us is in part due to him wanting to force visitations without regard to her wants. I do not think it is wise of him the way he is dealing with her and it is not good for her.

So the result is that M is in terrible pain and taking all his frustrations out on me. It is his ex wife that alienated him from her, not me, but he responds to me in a hypersensitive manner as though I am plotting against him. He has PTSD from the trauma of their marriage, divorce, alienation of his child and now his teen girl has actually began being emotionally abusive to him as well the past two years. So he is freaking out, sees my requests as a source of stress and he is continuing to regress from all the work we have done in therapy the past years. (Therapist agrees too that he is on a downward spiral of regressions but was hoping we could heal together)

I know now anyone would tell me to run. Which is why I avoided this part. We are both loving people, I know we both wish things between us could be wonderful. It just seems like this challenge added would be insurmountable to any couple…. I almost wish I met him 5 years from now when he is done with this part of his life, and some other girl had to live through this period with him. (Not that I wish it on another soul)

Idk, something about parting ways, when we both love and want one another seems wrong to me. I am listening to this discontent I’m having and it is what has me stuck.

Hi redline,

I’m sorry for your loss redline.

That phone call certainly is odd.

“Yes that was love, she loved me very very much. Just not enough to overcome her own fears. And there was nothing I could do.” This is where there is so much struggle for me. I need to let go of the idea that I have the power to fix it. I only have the power to change me, my thoughts. I will have to think about this in myself much more, thank you.

Thank you for all of your words! I too am new to posting. I just signed up this week to cope with this situation. Getting a voice and pondering my situation and pondering others situations from different angles and perspectives has been so helpful. The warmth and advice here has been amazing.