Hi Anita,

I do think that if we do get back together that I will have trust issues.  Trust that he will not behave the way he did this past year; trust that he will be gentle with my heart.  We would need couples therapy to establish boundaries, build trust.  This past year took it’s toll on me, and I know him too.  He tried to explain how his OCD mind works, and it sounds exhausting.

For now, I’m thankful that he is not talking about my past he’s not biting me with his words.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I’m not sure I follow you

Katie

Hi Anita,

He said it would  take probably months due to his OCD and the fact  that my therapist feels this goes deeper than issues he has with me.   He totally left it up to me as to how long I want to wait it out.  He did say at some point we should meet with a therapist together, but didn’t think that was anytime soon.

It really is totally up to me as to how long I wait.  I could break it off completely and move on. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you for acknowledging my impressiveness, but many times I am a mess, mostly with just me and my cat.  And my therapist has helped wipe my tears with his words.  Reminding me of who I am, and what I went through to get here.

I’m not on the front lines like the doctors, nurses, techs, unit secretary, but I do occasionally go the the patient floors to provide a patient with activities to keep them busy during their stay.  I deliver these to the nurses station (we aren’t allowed in patient rooms at this time), and if it’s a COVID unit, I leave the delivery in the lounge area outside the unit.  And at this point just about every unit is a COVID unit, except maternity.  Still, you never know who you’re passing by in the hallway.  We’re all masked and socially distanced, but not a comfortable feeling.

Unfortunately, most of the COVID patients are elderly (over 70).  When a code for respiratory or medical emergency is called, it breaks my heart.  For some reason I feel for those I don’t even know…empathy.

As I write this my cat is laying next to me; touching my leg of course.  He has become my little one to lean on.  He knows when I’m upset and if he sees the tears sniffs my face.

Today has just been a not so good day for me.

Katie

Hi Anita,

She was not thrilled with the programs at all at one of the facilities, which I agreed with her about this.  They were not very helpful and actually were sarcastic with her at times.  The other facility I felt she could get more out of, but she was so tired of telling her story over and over again.  She doesn’t like to relive the abuse, still to this day.  When she goes to a new psychiatrist she always says, “do I have to tell my story again?”   I say they certainly need to know where she’s come from.

I even brought up at one time Alanon, to see if she could perhaps hear others stories about what they have lived.  She doesn’t have to share if she doesn’t want to.

She feels she does best with one on one therapy.  I wish she would change her mind, but I can’t force her into it.

I feel like she wasting her life away.  Since she turned 21 and has been able to drink alcohol, she doesn’t drink often but when she does it’s usually binging…she’ll be up from 8 pm to sometimes the following day in the afternoon.  She says she spaces the drinking out; doesn’t consume a lot in a few hours.  I’ve been talking with her about this because I am very uncomfortable with her drinking due to her father’s alcoholism.  She confessed to me the other day that she drinks because it makes her feel “light hearted” and “relaxed.”  She misses my boyfriend; she had him take the place of her dad, which she shouldn’t have.  Now she cries that she misses him and “why did he have to behave the way he did.”  I explained to her that anyone I date she should not get attached to.  There was no marriage involved and we both were free to leave the relationship whenever we wanted to.  I should be the one hurting, not her.  But still, she is  hurting.

I’ll try talking about group therapy again.  But I think even just getting out into the world, whether it be volunteering or working, will help her a lot.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your suggestion.  I have been talking with my daughter about routine.  Unfortunately, I am at work until around 3 and she doesn’t get going until I get home.  Which is fine if that’s they way her body works.  Some people work 2nd shift and night shift for this reason.

She was going to the library to get her Vet Tech Certification, but with the libraries closed, she finds it hard to focus at home to get her work done.  I have talked with her about exercise and have asked her to walk with me. I was big on the treadmill, but at this point outside walking clears my head.  I have been trying to get her to start volunteering again at a cat shelter.  She said this week she will contact them.  That would be a routine.  She also is going to contact, hopefully, an animal shelter that contacted her about a job. But she would need to make the dreaded phone call.  It’s amazing how something so simple to me is so anxiety producing to her.

I will try to get her routine going with the exercise, studying, and volunteering/working.  She actually thought having a dog would motivate her to get out of bed. We have a cat, but he is very self sufficient after I feed him and clean the litter in the morning.  A dog needs much more attention.  I’m on the fence about this. I thought perhaps the organization she volunteers through or if she get employed at the shelter she can ask about fostering, which would not be a life-long commitment.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I guess after 6 years and what we are calling “a break – not seeing other people” I still consider him my boyfriend.  I will refer to him as my boyfriend until we “break up.”  I’m not sure what else I can refer to him as at this point.

My daughter’s PTSD has many triggers.  It’s almost like she was in combat in her home, much as a soldier in war.  We lived in fear.

She finds it hard to get out of bed daily; I need to kind of get her going.  She still has nightmares related to her father’s abuse, and has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, panic, PTSD.  She has a hard time functioning as a normal 22 year old young woman.  This gives me anxiety, knowing she’s floundering, and also stresses me out a bit.  She has avoidance issues which do not work in her favor.  Just making a simple phone call is anxiety producing to her.  She’s working on this with the help of her therapist.  She’s been in therapy since 2010 (not with the same therapist), but we finally found a therapist that diagnosed her with PTSD, and she’s been medicated with Effexor, which helped a lot.  At the beginning of her journey, she started off with anxiety, panic attacks which lead to school avoidance, depression, she did self-harm (cutting) but I don’t believe she does that any longer.  I am in the process of getting a light box for her because she mentioned she tends to get depressed with the change of time (getting dark earlier).  Her therapist will work with her on how to use the box.

It can be quite exhausting for me at times.  And with everything going on with my relationship, I’m emotionally drained.

I didn’t want to turn this into an issue with my daughter, but thank you for allowing me to vent.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Eventually he and I will have to have that meeting, and that he will agree with couples therapy.  I am hopeful that it will be a step forward in our relationship.  I know that the therapy will either make our relationship stronger, or realize he’s not willing to make changes in his past behavior.  Then I will know it’s time to move on.

Thank you for all the advice.

Katie