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Hi Melissa,
I am happy for you to be putting yourself up as your purpose. It makes sense to me. Because if we take care of ourselves, the community will also be ok. Like each bee in the hive affects the hive.
Sorry about your relationship – you did your best and can move ahead having gained and grown from the good and the bad. For the life of me I would never do that to a woman, so I don’t get it either. But I know a little how you are feeling – my wife ended our long marriage without notice – I know it can be very difficult but you are doing very well.
Big blue
Hi Inky,
Excellent idea! Still it’s awesome to have the open discussions, they really mean a lot.
More for the list:
– Don’t take rejection too personally. You are awesome and there are others who appreciate you.
– Be yourself and be true to yourself.
– Don’t text or IM.
Big blue
Hi Amy,
I understand because I have failed hard even though I am smart, too.*
I recall getting an E on an English paper in 9th grade. I never did that poorly before. By my freshman college year, I started the first semester at the 200-level in English.
Then, I flunked out of a masters program. Years later, I did it at another school, getting a 3.80 GPA.
I learned how to study effectively and efficiently when I did the one-year masters program while working full-time.
We masters students collaborated a Lot. Are you working with some study buddies?
I thrived in my masters because I was 100% engaged. Are you?
For a test, we students divided up the reading to make summary notes. Then we shared them to make a complete study guide. Then we met with buckets of coffee at a coffee shop to walk through and discuss our notes. Then, we each studied on our own. I would read each page until I was comfortable. I would go back to original references plus some web searches to see what others say. Starting with a to-do pile leading to a done pile, I would review it all before bed – a psychologist suggested this and he had a PhD so… – and just before taking the test. A similar level of effort on papers, except much more independent work. Are you doing this?
The point is, we all fail and we can all can. You just have to try new approaches. Go for it!
Big blue
*humble brag 🙂
Hi Misha,
You story resonates with me. That is, the distorted thinking.
Here is a straight forward path:
1. Accept yourself 100% as of this second.
2. Continue growing and learning.By accepting yourself you can be at peace and not have these distorted thoughts.
By focusing on growing and learning each day, you will enjoy your life day by day.
Now that you are thinking this way, compare yourself to yourself, past and future. You have no doubt had some great experiences in your past. What do you see for yourself in the future? If you see a calm, confident person, aspire each day to be like her. Also, pick some authentic roles models.
Does this make sense?
Big blue
Hi Lorraine,
This can be a seemingly impossible process I know. The only way it worked for me was to remove all contact and reminders until ‘the fever broke.’ I also focused on the reasons why the person was not a fit for me. Having said that, I’m still in one now. I see her all the time but dont want to leave the situation. For me I think I will soon remove myself anyway.
You got some awesome and funny advice to work with. Take care of yourself.
Big blue
Hi Bruce,
If you have the desire to move ahead, especially with all this great advice including the kick-in-the-pants great advice from Jasmine, I’ll offer something from my own shame history that might help you get a new approach going.
Spaghetti. Whether it’s called spaghetti or pasta, kids often call it pisghetti or scabetti or something else. Whatever. No matter what you call eating spaghetti, to me it’s an allegory for life. Oh you say how?
When I was in grade school, say third grade, at the time home life was a total mess. When I came to school I was steeped in shame. This was a heavy, heavy weight that I wore. I constantly felt low and that other students were noticing my bad clothes, my bad teeth, my bad life. No one actually said anything or pointed me out, I put on this heavy burden myself. I recall how I especially hated days when spaghetti was on the lunch menu. Spaghetti is a big mess to eat. The pasta is out of control all over the place. You can’t really get it on your fork. The sauce is all over. You try to twirl your fork and it all just unravels. Spots of red sauce land off the plate. (Everyone in the lunchroom must be watching this kid try to eat this awful stuff.)
Last night I went to a favorite restaurant for some delicious carb loading. On my current nutritional plan, pasta is a periodic, strategic pleasure. I confidently order my spaghetti with seafood, or meatballs. A big serving. “No bread thank you.” When the food arrives, I put my napkin on my lap to start and then it finds it’s best location throughout the meal. I dig in and eat away. I twirl to get a small, medium or large amount of pasta on my fork and with a sloppy mess of it hanging I go ahead and take a bite. Spaghetti falls to the plate in strands or piles. A spot or two of sauce finds new places on the plate. I enjoy chewing and savoring the mouthful while looking around at the folks nearby. Maybe chat, drink up some water, ask for more water. Sometimes wine. The chef or cook put a lot of thought into making this great dish, I came in, sat down and ordered it without looking at the menu or hearing the specials – and now I’m enjoying it!
Bruce, do you feel this? I’m the same person that hated eating spaghetti in third grade. The difference is now I know life is messy like spaghetti. It’s also awesome to savor! 🙂 Now go eat some spaghetti.
Big blue
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 