Dear Kibou,

It appears you became much more self-aware in the past year and went through some serious transformation. It’s great that you’re much more able to be with your own pain, it doesn’t “burn” so much anymore, and you’re able to better regulate your moods, without falling into serious depression.

There’s a few things that caught my attention as I was reading your posts. First – about Japan:

I used to study [Japanese] for a couple of years with a smile on my face; it would simply make me happy I couldn’t explain it. The moment anything related to Japan came up I was interested or motivated.

What was it about learning Japanese and thinking about Japan that made you happy and motivated?

Then, your nomadic lifestyle:

I want to add that I have lived a quiet nomad lifestyle and people coming and going has been part of my life since I was very young. I believe this also plays a factor.

Could you say a little more about that phase of your life? How come you lived a nomadic lifestyle? Was your family moving a lot?

You say that a part of the reason you lost your passion is that some of the goals you were pursuing earlier weren’t even yours:

I can say though that many of those “whys” I was having were not fully only my why’s.

Could you talk a little about that – about your parents’ expectations, and in general how you felt while growing up?

Dear Katrine Nielsen,

I’ve read this and your previous threads. You say your anxiety, depression and stress started when you were 7 years old, coinciding with your sister becoming seriously ill, with a disease which will later be diagnosed as encephalitis. Due to this disease, your sister was often screaming with pain, and it took 7 years till she was properly diagnosed. She nearly died a few times during that period. The doctors and one part of your family, including your grandmother, thought your sister was merely seeking attention and has no physical ailments whatsoever. You as a family felt ostracized and excluded, and your grandmother excluded you and your sister from her will.

What I think happened is that when you were 7, suddenly all of your parents’ attention went to your sick sister, who suffered greatly, while no one knew what’s wrong with her. Your mother, who was the pillar of the family – both emotionally and financially – didn’t have time to deal with your problems, such as you being bullied at school or developing anxiety. She was 100% devoted to your sister. Your father, who was emotionally detached anyway, wasn’t much of a help to you either. You couldn’t turn to him for help, neither could you confide in your grandmother, who was very judgmental and claimed your sister’s disease was a lie.

So you were left alone to cope with your fears, anxiety, and being bullied at school, even by your teachers. There was no one to comfort you or to protect you – such as go to school and talk to your teachers. Your parents told you to simply ignore the verbal abuse and not think about it. When you complained about physical abuse and bullying, they asked you if you want to change schools. But since you were afraid to transfer to a new environment with possibly even more bullying, being a new kid, you rather stayed at your old school.

The teachers had no understanding for your problems either. They said if you’re afraid of something, the best way is to face it, to do it. So they forced you go give presentations in front of the entire class, and you felt horrified and panicked, and once even cut your wrists.

Your parents didn’t have much understanding for your anxiety either. They didn’t understand why you’re afraid to ride on a bus, or give presentations at school, or any such “simple” things that doesn’t really represent any real danger, in their view. When you cut your wrists, they took you to a child psychiatrist. He told them it’s better not to force you, so they stopped. But I guess the bullying at school didn’t stop, you just had to live with it.

You described your situation very well:

But emotionally I have been on my own so to say. I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings and fears without getting a just be positive and don’t think about it. Dealing with my sisters illness, work, house chores and a mother in law calling her a bad mother, there wasn’t any energy left. So I had to learn to deal with my anxiety, feelings, bullies on my own. Trying to self soothe and pep talk my self. My parents don’t understan anxiety, like why are you anxious there’s nothing to be anxious about. Making me feel really weak because I can’t just snap out of it.

You were completely on your own since the age of 7. Your emotional needs were completely neglected because your sister became a priority. You had no one to turn to – neither to your parents, nor your teachers, nor your larger family. You in a way were sacrificed because of your sister. It often happens in families when one child becomes severely ill. The other child, who has lesser needs, gets often neglected because the parents simply don’t have the time and energy to deal with the other child.

But you had it specially difficult because your grandmother and your larger family wasn’t supportive either (neither were the teachers nor the doctors who treated your sister). Your family didn’t have anyone to turn to, and you specially, within that family, had absolutely no one to turn to. (What about your other grandmother – your mother’s mother btw? Was she in your life in some capacity?)

As you got older, your sister accused you of being selfish if you have any needs or desires of your own. You’re supposed to sacrifice your life for her, and if you refuse, she throws a tantrum and makes you feel guilty.

In any case, I believe your anxiety and depression is the result of being emotionally neglected as a child, and left to cope on your own with physical and emotional abuse by your peers and teachers. These deficiencies could be made up for, but you’d need to work with it in therapy, to heal those childhood wounds. Are you attending therapy?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Anna,

Sometimes I feel like it’s more his personality rather than his mental health which makes him withdraw from everything.

This is quite probable, specially since he has a strict mother, who’s pressuring him to continue his studies, which he doesn’t want to do. I imagine she’s been like that his entire life, having expectations from him, not taking into consideration his feelings and desires, criticizing him etc. He feels trapped but because he also feels unable to help himself, his only way is to withdraw into depression, to sort of “switch off”.

So I believe he feels weak and helpless inside, and his defense mechanism is depression, because he doesn’t believe he can escape the situation in a different, healthier way (e.g. by getting a job and moving from his parents’ place). Some people in a similar situation develop various addictions to soothe the pain, but his coping mechanism is to go numb.

You might remind him of his mother a little, because you too have expectations on him, at least to talk to you and keep in touch, while he doesn’t feel like doing that either. He just wants to be left alone. And I guess when he’s in a bad phase, he feels hopeless about the situation, that’s why he probably feels like there’s no point in talking to you.

Then, when he feels a little better, he resumes contact, as if nothing happened. He doesn’t apologize or explain anything, which is interesting. Perhaps he believes you’ll be there always, just like his mother is, waiting for him to get better and to fulfill her expectations. I don’t know, just a thought…

Anyway, I believe he should work on his relationship with his mother in therapy. Has he done that in the past?

About your relationship, you say:

We both deeply love(d ?) each other since the beginning. We used to have a very good communication, we weren’t scared to say when we didn’t feel ok and that we needed time by ourselves in order to feel better.

Since the start of your relationship, he’s experienced a low-grade depression, but he hadn’t been diagnosed at that point. But he used to ask for time alone already then, right? If so, it means he started to withdraw, or seek pauses, pretty early in the relationship. But at that time, he at least communicated with you. Did he explain why he needs to take a break?

Dear Ashmitha,

you’re welcome, and thank you for sharing some more. You did well to become strong and resilient while growing up, to fight rather than flee, to work hard and excel in your studies, rather than become disillusioned and self-destructive. Your self-preservation instincts were excellent and you got out of your precarious childhood as a strong, independent woman. Congratulations for that! The only thing that suffered as a collateral damage is your emotional side – your ability to be emotionally open and vulnerable with another person.

Perhaps what could help a little bit is to tell yourself that you don’t have to be in the survival mode any more, that you’re safe and there’s no one pointing a knife at you or your mother (have your parents divorced in the meanwhile? has your father stopped threatening your mother?).

If you know you’re physically and existentially safe, you could relax a little, which could be as simple as laying down on a carpet, or lean against the wall, and allow the ground, or the wall, to take your weight. You don’t need to hold so much any more – you can allow yourself to be held (put a cushion if you lean against the wall to make it more comfy 🙂 ). And just breathe and relax.

You can also make a habit of getting on the call each evening with your boyfriend and asking him how was his day, and also share about your day. That’s the chance to talk about any dilemmas, or worries you might have, or simply “to talk about feelings and experiences and just understanding people” – which you said you’d love to do.

So I believe if you make the space for mutual sharing, every day at a convenient time, you’ll start building that intimacy, that emotional bond between you. Do you think it’s something you could try?

Dear Ashmitha,

you’re welcome. In your family home there was a lot of distress because of your father’s alcoholism, and I believe what happened is that you felt it’s better not to upset your mother with your problems – your emotional needs – because she was going through a lot anyway, and your father was unavailable or at least unreliable. So you decided not to share your problems with your parents, and tried to manage without their emotional support (I do not like asking for help from others. I find it hard to ask for my needs to be met, like maybe I am asking for too much or I am being difficult.).

You focused on school and academics, in which I guess you were talented and successful, and you found certain fulfillment and satisfaction there. This also helped build your confidence, so you do seem confident, and also pretty “low-maintenance” and relaxed. But that’s just a defense mechanism, because you do need emotional closeness and intimacy. You’d like to be vulnerable and share your inner-most feelings with your significant other, but you’re afraid to do so, because you’re afraid you’d be seen as too demanding and possibly even abandoned (I think I also have a fear of partners leaving me, which is why I hold my feelings back.).

You’re in a relationship with someone who’s got a lot of “needy” relatives to take care of, and since he’s a people-pleaser, and probably also has a sense of responsibility towards his family, he spends most of his free time taking care of them, not you. If you meet once per week and the rest of the time you just chat, not even daily, it seems to me there isn’t too much chance for emotional intimacy and sharing. It’s good that you started demanding a certain level of attention from him, such as daily check-ins.

You’d also need to work on your willingness to share emotionally and express your needs, and on the fear of being rejected, of being “too much”. And you need to see – when you do share and open up – whether he’s capable and willing to acknowledge you and support you, or he isn’t willing to have that level of emotional intimacy with you.

Dear Sofioula,

happy belated birthday! I am glad you’re feeling good, although very busy – but with the things you love and enjoy!

It may not make sense to you but this is how my brain works, 2 sided. It is completely split. I often have agruements with my own mind. OCD again, plays a huge role in this I think. The only senario that plays in my head, is that I am a loser and he was right.

It’s the inner critic telling you you’re wrong and blaming you. It’s the internalized parental voice. You’d need to develop the voice of the good parent, which is a loving, compassionate voice. It would counter the inner critic and enable you to forgive yourself for making mistakes or for changing your mind.

I saw that when I met my then bf, I didn’t want to marry or have kids until a certain age, I knew I always wanted to do those things, but it wasn’t something I stressed or even thought about. My obsession and fear with having a family ASAP, started with my first visit to the OB/GYN.

Alright, so your need to get married and have children young didn’t just stem from your parents “brainwashing” you and expecting it from you, but because you genuinely got afraid that your health would deteriorate and you wouldn’t be able to have children later, because you were wrongly diagnosed with a health condition you never had. In addition to that, you lost your beloved cousin a few years earlier, who was born with brain damage and severe health problems – also due to an ob/gyn mistake.

So your desire to get married ASAP (which you wanted from your previous boyfriend) stemmed both from your parents’ expectation, but also from your own fear that they may be right that you’ll really stay alone and die alone, due to a medical condition which doesn’t allow you to bear children. The diagnosis was like an alarm firing up in your head, because there was now a real danger that your parents’ “prophecies” would turn out true, so you better hurry up because what if they’re right.

Though I do not cry anymore and have been back to normal – somewhat – I still carry a picture of me as a baby in my wallet and fear that I will never be able to have my kids photos in there. 

After the diagnosis, you feared that you won’t be able to have children ever. It was an unbearable thought for you, not only because you wanted to be a mother and experience the joy of motherhood, but also because it carried a horrible sentence for you: of staying alone forever and dying alone. The two great fears got activated in you. That’s the alarm – the double alarm – that turned on in your head.

And it appears it’s still hard for you to switch it off completely. There’s still a fear that your “grim destiny” might be possible, although not probable. The fear is present, but it has lessened.

Well, now you’d need to silence that ominous voice in your head by telling yourself that you’re healthy, you have no medical condition, and you have enough time to meet the right guy. Not just the first willing guy, but someone with whom you’re really compatible. For silencing the ominous voice, what you need again is the voice of the loving, compassionate parent – to assure you that you’ll be fine and there’s no need to worry about it.

Now it occurs to me that your father was actually not just the critical voice, but also the ominous voice, always worrying for the slightest thing, always having plan B if things go wrong, and believing that things might go wrong easily. You internalized both of those voices, and your misdiagnosis only strengthened them… so truly, you need a counter-voice, which is the voice of faith and trust that things will be fine, that you’re safe, that universe has your back.

Both my father – and I suspect your mother too – were too young to be able to check and control their emotions, or even find ways to let them out in a non catastrophic way

My mother wasn’t too young when she had me, she was 33, but she was the worrying, catastrophizing kind of person, like your father. So the ominous voice is very familiar to me, and I too internalized it…

But the question is how do we approach the inner child as adults and how do we start fixing our compass? In my experience, being myself is the same as being silly, that no one will take my seriously and that being spontaneous is not adult-like.

It’s the inner critic telling you that you’re silly. It’s what you’ve been hearing from your parents since you were a child: that you don’t know what’s good for you, that you make stupid decisions. If you’d only do what they tell you, you’d be much better off. And you believe it. Now it’s the time to stop believing it. To do that, bring in the inner compassionate parent, who’ll tell you you’re smart and capable of knowing what’s good for you.

As for being spontaneous, that’s one of the healthy qualities of the inner child that many adults sadly lose, specially if they’re fear-based, like your father and my mother is. If you fear life, you need to have everything pre-planned and under control (and you need to even have a plan B!), because you never know what might happen. And what can happen is only bad, in their mind. So they need to ensure that the least possible damage happens… but that also means the least possible joy can happen too, because they can’t enjoy life while waiting for a catastrophe to happen…

Let me know if you have found ways to address this in your own experience, if you would like to share how (if) you fixed your relationship with your mother, or rather how you respond to your mother behaviors as an adult . Without losing your soul.

Well, I stopped trying to please her, fulfill her expectations and live my life the way she’d want me to. Because of that, she’s very sad and offended at me. We barely speak. And we live in two different countries, so we rarely meet as well. In her eyes, I am a great disappointment and a failure. But I’m not upset about what she thinks of me, I can live with it. She cannot really make me feel bad about myself, like she used to before.

Thank you so much for all the kind and supportive words. I work better in life with words of affirmation and support.

You’re very welcome. And as I said, try to develop that positive inner parental voice, which will give your inner child words of affirmation and support, to counter your judgmental and catastrophizing inner critic!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ryan,

I’ve taken a look at your earlier threads. You had a great discussion with Anita there, who very astutely pointed at the dynamics you had with women and its possible causes. I now realize that you did say No to a woman before (to your ex with a small son), however it wasn’t a strong, resolute no, but rather an ambivalent no.

You didn’t really want a relationship with her, you didn’t want to live with her and share life with her – so that was your No. But you did want her in your life from time to time, going to trips and spending time with her and her son. That was your Yes. You wanted her to be emotionally close to you, to confide in you, to talk about her problems. You were receptive to that and seeking it even after you broke up, which she told you she isn’t willing to do.

What you weren’t receptive to was her anger towards her father. Her anger repelled you and you said it was one of the reasons you broke up with her. Anita noticed that you might be suppressing your own anger (towards your mother) and that’s why you cannot deal with hers. Your mother scolded you when during arguments you would use the word “freaking”. It seems to me that this is how she silenced you and deterred the attention from the actual problem to something inconsequential like proper speaking. You weren’t allowed to get angry with her, or to express that anger. Would you say that’s true?

When we suppress our anger, we cannot set proper boundaries either, and we cannot say a definite and resolute No. We also don’t know what we want, or we don’t dare to go after what we want. So we cannot say a definite and resolute Yes either. This may even cause depression because we can’t selectively suppress just anger, but we need to suppress ALL emotions, including joy and happiness.

Do you recognize yourself in any of this?