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Viewing 15 posts - 1,846 through 1,860 (of 1,950 total)
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  • in reply to: Don’t WANT to completely let go the ex. #376866
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Jenny,

    I am late to your thread and have been trying to catch up. I am glad you’re in a better place now than you’ve been before. You’ve had a very productive discussion with Anita, and now many things are clearer to you, and you feel much better about yourself. But there’s still something troubling you, as you say: you’re almost missing his calls now that you’ve changed your number. You feel rejected all over again (it’s as if he left me all over again). You’re surprised that he isn’t trying something to reach you (now I am wondering why is he not doing something to reach out), and you’re a little disappointed, or sad, that he might be moving on.

    In February 2021, you said to Anita:

    What I definitely did want was for him to see that I am not the needy clingy woman that he thought me to be when he left. I wanted him to see that I am one High Value woman that HE LOST. I wanted him to feel a sense of LOSING a girl who really loved him and was special.

    When Anita asked you if you don’t feel worthy enough, you said you do – you do feel worthy to your parents, to your friends and co-workers, but it’s just this one man that humiliated you and took all of your pride.

    In many of your posts, you were actually stressing how valuable and special you are, but that he refused to acknowledge it. That’s why you felt angry and offended at him. You were specially offended that he called you a child:

    “I feel so insulted when I remember he said that I am a child. I can imagine him thinking he was right about me and that I am just an immature girl which I am not Anita. He has the audacity to behave whichever way and then why I have one slip-up he has the audacity to pass such statements on me. I am just insulted Anita, feel just very insulted by someone who should’ve by now been regretting losing me instead of calling me a child.”

    “I mean he has made me feel like such an argumentative, crying, weak woman. And now he’s calling me a child as if I am some immature person that needs growing up.”

    You also said, in one of your earlier posts: But my biggest fear is that tomorrow I’ll see him have a perfect life with another girl and it will reiterate that I was the one who was at fault.

    Based on what you’ve expressed, it seems to me that you do have self-respect and value yourself, however you didn’t get that respect from your mother. She was criticizing you for slouching, and you would protest: “you can’t talk to me like that.” You demanded respect from your mother, and would argue about it with her (you said you were rude, to match her rudeness), but you never got her respect. You didn’t get respect from your father either because he never stood in your defense, but your main wound is with your mother. She treated you like an immature child, while you wanted to be treated respectfully, like an adult. (I wonder if there were other ways in which she criticized you or where you felt humiliated, beside slouching?)

    I believe that you do value yourself, but you wish she’d value you too. And that desire – to be valued and respected – you transferred to your boyfriend. There’s still a part of you – the wounded inner child – where you aren’t sure that you’re worthy, because you didn’t get your parents’ (specially your mother’s) confirmation. You think you are, but you’re not sure. That’s why you said your biggest fear is that it would turn out that you were the one who was at fault, and that there’s nothing wrong with him. That’s your inner child insecure of its worth. It has to have it confirmed by other people.

    You found a man who reminds you in some aspects of your mother, and you were trying to get his confirmation. But instead, he humiliated you most of the time. You would beg him to show you some respect, but to no avail. He would be even more cruel. He didn’t want to give you that one thing that you craved so much: the confirmation that you’re valuable and special.

    What’s the way out? To understand with your entire being that indeed, you are valuable and special. To give that confirmation to your inner child, and not expect it from other people. I believe this is what’s missing for you to heal and really let go of him.

    Tell me what you think and if it resonates with you.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.
    in reply to: Emotionally Unavailable or is there hope? #376862
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Michelle,

    Good to hear from you again! I was often thinking about you and how you’re doing. Glad you’re doing fine and are experiencing “a consistent expression of love and support” in your relationship. It appears that one of your mail goals in this relationship is growth, i.e. that you are consciously trying to lessen your compulsion for security, while at the same time taking care that your basic emotional needs are met. (“I have moved on from men who don’t meet my needs, and have since learned a lot about what my needs are. Now it’s more about balancing my needs with my compulsions for security.”)

    You also appear to be aware of the possible limitations of your relationship, and also of his “eternal sadness and numbness”.

    “I recently suggested that he might want to consider therapy in the future as his lifelong sadness and numbness (as he puts it) has plagued him from early childhood, and I feel that it might keep him from feeling the depth of his emotions fully. That may or may not apply to our relationship. That is for him to discern and attempt at his leisure.”

    In this I believe you’re mistaken – his emotional wounds do apply to your relationship, and will apply in the future as well. Until he starts processing them, he can’t be a partner you’re looking for on the long run. He can be an experiment and someone you’re practicing your tolerance with, your letting go of your need for security. So he can be someone you’re stretching your limits with, but on the long run, he needs to be willing to stretch his limits too. If he’s unwilling to go to therapy, it’s almost like saying “sorry, this is my maximum, I am not willing to work on my issues. So take it or leave it.” His willingness to work on his own emotional issues would be a true sign to me that he’s willing to change and allow himself to go deeper with you.

    It doesn’t mean you need to push him to go to therapy, specially if you see he’s stretching his limits already and willing to work on the relationship, but just be aware that it’s a sign of how far he’s willing to go.

    “I just don’t see love as something to attain and hold onto desperately. I just feel that it is something fluid that slips in and out of our grasp, dancing around us, reflecting back what is already there.”

    In this part I agree with Chickadee33, when she said “Some love is solid, dependable, not desperate and doesn’t slip out of our grasp.” She’s right, true love isn’t fluid and doesn’t slip away and disappear. Such love is possible with someone who has solved his core emotional wounds. Until he’s willing to do that, your love will be fragile and prone to slipping away. But it’s on you to decide if this is something you can live with and what your priorities are. If the current situation suits you and you’re not hurting, but are feeling fulfilled, then by all means, go for it.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.
    in reply to: Where to find strength #376856
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    first thing I’ve noticed, not just now but in at least one previous occasion too, is that you send your replies extremely quickly. Ten minutes after I posted you already sent a pretty long response. It’s a similar pattern to what I described earlier: someone gives you a suggestion, and you immediately swing it back, like a ball, explaining why this suggestion doesn’t work for you, or repeating more of the same problem. Now you haven’t done exactly that, you did reflect and comment on what I’ve said, but it feels like you’re rushing to give a response. You don’t allow yourself to really hear it, to reflect on it, but you immediately shoot it back.

    This can be one manifestation of your inability to receive – receive advice, help, or perhaps receive love as well. In order to receive it, you’d need to slow down, and perhaps there’s fear of what you might find within if you do slow down. You said you feel empty, and also that you’re ashamed and embarrassed, and that you have low self-esteem, although you aren’t shy to e.g. talk to girls. That’s possible because we might have self-confidence (because we’re good at presenting, selling, doing sports etc), but we still might lack self-esteem and self-worth – because that goes deeper, to the core of our being.

    I believe your feeling empty has to do with the lack of self-esteem and self-worth. You don’t believe there’s anything worthy in there. That’s why it’s also hard for you to slow down and listen to your inner voice. It’s cool that you meditate, but I am figuring there’s still some disconnect there.

    One way you can connect with yourself is to close your eyes, put one hand on your heart and the other on you belly, and breathe, and feel your belly rise and fall as you breathe. It’s a hug of sort, where you feel yourself, accept yourself and comfort yourself at the same time. Try it if you’d like.

    I could go on, but would first like to ask your opinion about what I’ve wrote, and whether you have received it.

     

    in reply to: Where to find strength #376850
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Felix,

    I also don’t know how to ask for help.

    It seems to me you do know how to ask for help – at least you did it here on the forum – but it’s much harder for you to accept help, or even just to open yourself to the possibility that there is help, that your situation isn’t helpless as you believe it is. Many of us here wrote giving ideas and suggestions, but you mostly brushed them away, or didn’t respond, always returning to the same narrative: that it’s extremely hard for you, that you’ve had horrible losses, you’re alone, you’re getting older, you’re trying like hell, doing your best, but nothing seems to be working, and you’re exhausted and desperate.

    I am sorry to say this, but you sound like a broken record. I know it’s hard for you right now, but it appears as if you switch on the “automatic response”, which swiftly repels a possible solution, a possible relief of your problem.

    I am fighting against something, but don’t even know against what.

    You’re right, you’re fighting against something, and it seems you’re fighting against yourself and your own happiness. You’re focusing only on the negatives, repeating them again and again in your mind, like a broken record, and actively rejecting possible positives. I am sorry to say this, but it will be very difficult to find a way out, with this current attitude.

    in reply to: How to stop being haunted by failed relationships? #376818
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear NYC Artist,

    another thing occurred to me – that even if you know how to protect yourself, you don’t want to live in a world where you constantly have to be on guard, where people are hostile to each other, where you can’t just freely give and receive love. A world of war and conflict. For your 2-yr old self, it was a pretty big trauma to have a cigarette lighter being lit in front of her face. Not to mention all other incidents where you felt scared and terrified. So it wouldn’t be surprising that you’re now longing for a world without danger and conflict.

    in reply to: How to stop being haunted by failed relationships? #376817
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear NYC Artist,

    you’re welcome. I’d like to acknowledge you for the fact that in spite of the abuse you’ve experienced in your childhood, you’re not tolerating it in your adult life:

    It’s not a matter of pride at all, but again, self preservation. I’ve grown up with abuse and it feels strange to me to not accept that behaviour.

    This is huge, it’s a proof of your strength and the ability to self-preserve and love yourself. I understand you also have a very good husband, which too stands as a proof that the childhood abuse hasn’t ruined your capacity for self-love, self-respect and self-preservation. That’s admirable!

    What might be happening is that the little girl is still seeking to change her mother and her early care-takers, so that she does get the love and care she needed. So that she could experience peace that she never had in her childhood home. What if your craving for peace in the world is fueled by the same desire – to have peace and love in your own family home? A part of you still seems to look  for that peace outside and depends on other people to provide it for you. Even on political leaders. But of course, the attempt is futile, they can never ensure the peace you’re longing for. The answer is to create that peace and love – that safe, loving space – within yourself.

    What do you think? Is there a chance that this is what might be happening within you?

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    you’re welcome! It’s a great idea to spend more time on things you enjoy and that fill you with energy, such as creating art, drawing, tattooing. It will make you feel better and support you in your healing, in getting stronger, in creating that safe, comforting space within yourself. Please do let us know how you’re doing and if you feel stuck or anything like that. Wishing you well, miyoid!

    in reply to: How to stop being haunted by failed relationships? #376789
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear NYC Artist,

    in both cases, both of your uncle and your friend, you speak of failure:

    Not speaking to him makes it awkward at times. I know I need to stay away but it just ultimately feels like a huge failure.

    As for my friend, again, I feel feelings of failure.

    Since your love and peace-making attempts failed, even though you’ve given your best, do you perhaps feel like a failure? If those people don’t change, do you see it as your own failure, your fault, your being “not good enough”, rather than ascribing it to their own limitations and their stubbornness?

     

    in reply to: How to stop being haunted by failed relationships? #376783
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear NYC Artist,

    I’ve taken a look at your previous thread (from November) and your deep and insightful conversation with Anita. What I would ask is – what do you feel you need from those people you can’t seem to let go? Usually when we can’t let go of someone, we believe we need something from them. For example, we might need to feel loved and accepted by them, because otherwise we don’t feel lovable. So if you can identify what it is that you need from them, I believe it would help you process it and move on.

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    I believe it’s not such a terrible thing you didn’t tell the truth about your motives for leaving.  The most important for you at this point was to leave, and you did it, and you didn’t regret the decision. That’s what matters. With time, as you’ll be standing more and more in your power and authority, you’ll be able to express your needs and expectations more freely, and even admit when workplace conditions aren’t acceptable for you. But for now, it was important to leave that place, and you did it – good for you!

    “I was let down before, I was abandoned before, I know I’ll be able to survive. But this time I have to grow up, I guess and this is going to be a bit painful.”

    Yes it is, for sure, but what is different now is that you’re aware of your patterns and that staying in them isn’t a solution. Not only that, but you’ve gathered the courage and strength to take care of your own needs, so you’re slowly changing that pattern of helplessness. As Anita said, you do have someone special to rely on – and that’s you! It won’t be easy at first, but it will be so much more rewarding in the long run.

    So just hang in there, take it easy on yourself, take good care of yourself, perhaps you can even put on a makeup even if you don’t go to work – if that makes you feel better. You’re building a different response, and a different relationship with yourself, and it will take some time. So try to be patient and compassionate with yourself <3

    Tee
    Participant

    Dear miyoid,

    good to hear from you again! I think it was a very good decision that you quit your job, since you didn’t have any time for yourself and for things that actually make you happy, such as art and design. I see quitting your job as an act of self-love and self-care, and giving yourself a chance for something better and more enjoyable in the future.

    However, having your boyfriend back living with you, doesn’t seem like a good choice for you. In fact, it seems like a dangerous and toxic thing, because even if his behavior might not be physically dangerous for you, it certainly is mentally and emotionally damaging, and it’s dragging you down. Because you start blaming yourself for not giving him enough love (“I was distant at times, unable to respond to his need for attention and love“), when in fact you know that in his current state, he’s incapable of a normal relationship, and that he’s just going to make you miserable.

    In the last paragraph you talk a lot about being miserable, and if I understood well, a part of it is because of the way you quit your job?

    “I also quit my job, I couldn’t take it anymore and I just told a bunch of lies to be able to quit without hurting their feelings. It was not a nice way to quit, I felt so guilty for doing it this way but you can’t unring a bell.”

    What kind of lies did you say, in order not to hurt their feelings?

    “Now I’m home, most of the time, and I can process what is going on. I can mourn, I can be depressed without the obligation to be sleepless all the time. I can just cry without thinking how I will look with those swollen eyes in the morning or how will I conceal them before work.”

    What are you crying about nowadays? Your boyfriend, quitting your job, or something else?

    I wasn’t feeling alone that much, but there were so many other things making me suffer. I guess I have to face it now, I have to be miserable for some time and do not let any other relationship distract me as I’ve done in the past.

    It’s okay to give yourself time to process and mourn things. And it’s better you do it alone, because having your boyfriend around just makes you feel even more miserable. You deserve to be loved in a healthy way, in a way that gives you joy and happiness. Love doesn’t have to mean misery and suffering, as it was for you all these years.

    True love exists out there, but first it needs to be born inside of you – you need to love and value yourself. And you did the first step by quitting your job, no matter how clumsy or imperfect the act of quitting might have been (you can tell us more about it, if you’d like). But what’s important is that you stood up for yourself. That was an act of self-love. Now try to keep that momentum going, try not to spiral back into self-deprecation and suffering – because it doesn’t have to be your reality, because you’re capable and worthy of so much more!

     

    in reply to: Where to find strength #376588
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank your for your perspective.

    “You’ve been talking about inner-child work, healing childhood wounds (metaphorically, climbing a mountain)”

    I actually didn’t equate the inner child work with climbing the mountain. It was Peter’s metaphor of his own process. I just noticed he said he’s tempted to climb it again (and similar metaphors, such as re-crossing the river), and that’s why I thought he isn’t so sure that he let go of say guilt of whatever emotions he was struggling with. I was simply noticing a certain hesitance, a certain doubt in his words, and thought that it means he hasn’t really let go, or that he might have let go just mentally, but not emotionally.

    I know that many teachings talk about climbing the mountain and finally reaching some “enlightened” state, or a completely healed state. I don’t believe that, because we’ll never be perfect human beings, there’s always room for growth, so I don’t believe that we can reach some ultimate state of perfection.

    And I agree with you, the inner child work isn’t supposed to go on forever, because once we’ve healed our main emotional wounds, the inner child isn’t hurting any more, isn’t craving for love, attention and validation, and we sort of integrate it into our adult personality. So it’s not the miracle cure for everything, but it can help in healing our major unmet emotional needs.

    in reply to: Where to find strength #376578
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Peter,

    I didn’t understand why I was giving you the impression that the realizations and lettings go I experienced wasn’t complete or real. I know that wasn’t your intent but I felt that you were trying to push me back into re-analyses and put in doubt my experiences.

    You yourself were talking about re-crossing the river, using the raft when it’s no longer needed, the temptation to go back and climb the mountain again, and the possibility that you might forget the moment of letting go. These metaphors made me think that you’re doubting your own experience of letting go.

    When you were asked the question ‘how do you know when you have let go’ you avoided any personal information about the experiences that were related to that.

    I talked about my healing process on the other threads. It was mostly related to inner child healing, which allowed me to re-experience the painful memory and give it a different ending, so to speak, so that I am no longer stuck in that particular childhood wound. But I didn’t intend to hide anything when answering your question: the reason I know that I’ve healed is because my life has changed as a result. So that would be the ultimate “proof”, I believe.

    When I talked about my parents I opened the door for you to question my experience of letting go. I thought adding some personal information would help the point I was trying to make and that seems to have been a error.

    In the posts where you talked about your parents, you also used the above metaphors, that might suggest a certain doubt on your part, that’s why I thought the two may be related.

    in reply to: what he means #376572
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Sarasa,

    no problem, glad to hear from you.

    “I am a little confused how I feel about him”

    If he were to admit his feelings for you (say in a hypothetical scenario), how would you feel? Would you reciprocate or there would be something standing in the way?

    in reply to: Where to find strength #376571
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Peter,

    Nice. You focused on the outcome and avoided giving to much detail about which specific wounds you had to deal with. I see my error. Thanks

    Not sure what you mean above – what error of yours do you see?

Viewing 15 posts - 1,846 through 1,860 (of 1,950 total)