Dear Jenny,

I am late to your thread and have been trying to catch up. I am glad you’re in a better place now than you’ve been before. You’ve had a very productive discussion with Anita, and now many things are clearer to you, and you feel much better about yourself. But there’s still something troubling you, as you say: you’re almost missing his calls now that you’ve changed your number. You feel rejected all over again (it’s as if he left me all over again). You’re surprised that he isn’t trying something to reach you (now I am wondering why is he not doing something to reach out), and you’re a little disappointed, or sad, that he might be moving on.

In February 2021, you said to Anita:

What I definitely did want was for him to see that I am not the needy clingy woman that he thought me to be when he left. I wanted him to see that I am one High Value woman that HE LOST. I wanted him to feel a sense of LOSING a girl who really loved him and was special.

When Anita asked you if you don’t feel worthy enough, you said you do – you do feel worthy to your parents, to your friends and co-workers, but it’s just this one man that humiliated you and took all of your pride.

In many of your posts, you were actually stressing how valuable and special you are, but that he refused to acknowledge it. That’s why you felt angry and offended at him. You were specially offended that he called you a child:

“I feel so insulted when I remember he said that I am a child. I can imagine him thinking he was right about me and that I am just an immature girl which I am not Anita. He has the audacity to behave whichever way and then why I have one slip-up he has the audacity to pass such statements on me. I am just insulted Anita, feel just very insulted by someone who should’ve by now been regretting losing me instead of calling me a child.”

“I mean he has made me feel like such an argumentative, crying, weak woman. And now he’s calling me a child as if I am some immature person that needs growing up.”

You also said, in one of your earlier posts: But my biggest fear is that tomorrow I’ll see him have a perfect life with another girl and it will reiterate that I was the one who was at fault.

Based on what you’ve expressed, it seems to me that you do have self-respect and value yourself, however you didn’t get that respect from your mother. She was criticizing you for slouching, and you would protest: “you can’t talk to me like that.” You demanded respect from your mother, and would argue about it with her (you said you were rude, to match her rudeness), but you never got her respect. You didn’t get respect from your father either because he never stood in your defense, but your main wound is with your mother. She treated you like an immature child, while you wanted to be treated respectfully, like an adult. (I wonder if there were other ways in which she criticized you or where you felt humiliated, beside slouching?)

I believe that you do value yourself, but you wish she’d value you too. And that desire – to be valued and respected – you transferred to your boyfriend. There’s still a part of you – the wounded inner child – where you aren’t sure that you’re worthy, because you didn’t get your parents’ (specially your mother’s) confirmation. You think you are, but you’re not sure. That’s why you said your biggest fear is that it would turn out that you were the one who was at fault, and that there’s nothing wrong with him. That’s your inner child insecure of its worth. It has to have it confirmed by other people.

You found a man who reminds you in some aspects of your mother, and you were trying to get his confirmation. But instead, he humiliated you most of the time. You would beg him to show you some respect, but to no avail. He would be even more cruel. He didn’t want to give you that one thing that you craved so much: the confirmation that you’re valuable and special.

What’s the way out? To understand with your entire being that indeed, you are valuable and special. To give that confirmation to your inner child, and not expect it from other people. I believe this is what’s missing for you to heal and really let go of him.

Tell me what you think and if it resonates with you.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

first thing I’ve noticed, not just now but in at least one previous occasion too, is that you send your replies extremely quickly. Ten minutes after I posted you already sent a pretty long response. It’s a similar pattern to what I described earlier: someone gives you a suggestion, and you immediately swing it back, like a ball, explaining why this suggestion doesn’t work for you, or repeating more of the same problem. Now you haven’t done exactly that, you did reflect and comment on what I’ve said, but it feels like you’re rushing to give a response. You don’t allow yourself to really hear it, to reflect on it, but you immediately shoot it back.

This can be one manifestation of your inability to receive – receive advice, help, or perhaps receive love as well. In order to receive it, you’d need to slow down, and perhaps there’s fear of what you might find within if you do slow down. You said you feel empty, and also that you’re ashamed and embarrassed, and that you have low self-esteem, although you aren’t shy to e.g. talk to girls. That’s possible because we might have self-confidence (because we’re good at presenting, selling, doing sports etc), but we still might lack self-esteem and self-worth – because that goes deeper, to the core of our being.

I believe your feeling empty has to do with the lack of self-esteem and self-worth. You don’t believe there’s anything worthy in there. That’s why it’s also hard for you to slow down and listen to your inner voice. It’s cool that you meditate, but I am figuring there’s still some disconnect there.

One way you can connect with yourself is to close your eyes, put one hand on your heart and the other on you belly, and breathe, and feel your belly rise and fall as you breathe. It’s a hug of sort, where you feel yourself, accept yourself and comfort yourself at the same time. Try it if you’d like.

I could go on, but would first like to ask your opinion about what I’ve wrote, and whether you have received it.

Dear NYC Artist,

another thing occurred to me – that even if you know how to protect yourself, you don’t want to live in a world where you constantly have to be on guard, where people are hostile to each other, where you can’t just freely give and receive love. A world of war and conflict. For your 2-yr old self, it was a pretty big trauma to have a cigarette lighter being lit in front of her face. Not to mention all other incidents where you felt scared and terrified. So it wouldn’t be surprising that you’re now longing for a world without danger and conflict.

Dear miyoid,

you’re welcome! It’s a great idea to spend more time on things you enjoy and that fill you with energy, such as creating art, drawing, tattooing. It will make you feel better and support you in your healing, in getting stronger, in creating that safe, comforting space within yourself. Please do let us know how you’re doing and if you feel stuck or anything like that. Wishing you well, miyoid!

Dear NYC Artist,

I’ve taken a look at your previous thread (from November) and your deep and insightful conversation with Anita. What I would ask is – what do you feel you need from those people you can’t seem to let go? Usually when we can’t let go of someone, we believe we need something from them. For example, we might need to feel loved and accepted by them, because otherwise we don’t feel lovable. So if you can identify what it is that you need from them, I believe it would help you process it and move on.

Dear miyoid,

good to hear from you again! I think it was a very good decision that you quit your job, since you didn’t have any time for yourself and for things that actually make you happy, such as art and design. I see quitting your job as an act of self-love and self-care, and giving yourself a chance for something better and more enjoyable in the future.

However, having your boyfriend back living with you, doesn’t seem like a good choice for you. In fact, it seems like a dangerous and toxic thing, because even if his behavior might not be physically dangerous for you, it certainly is mentally and emotionally damaging, and it’s dragging you down. Because you start blaming yourself for not giving him enough love (“I was distant at times, unable to respond to his need for attention and love“), when in fact you know that in his current state, he’s incapable of a normal relationship, and that he’s just going to make you miserable.

In the last paragraph you talk a lot about being miserable, and if I understood well, a part of it is because of the way you quit your job?

“I also quit my job, I couldn’t take it anymore and I just told a bunch of lies to be able to quit without hurting their feelings. It was not a nice way to quit, I felt so guilty for doing it this way but you can’t unring a bell.”

What kind of lies did you say, in order not to hurt their feelings?

“Now I’m home, most of the time, and I can process what is going on. I can mourn, I can be depressed without the obligation to be sleepless all the time. I can just cry without thinking how I will look with those swollen eyes in the morning or how will I conceal them before work.”

What are you crying about nowadays? Your boyfriend, quitting your job, or something else?

I wasn’t feeling alone that much, but there were so many other things making me suffer. I guess I have to face it now, I have to be miserable for some time and do not let any other relationship distract me as I’ve done in the past.

It’s okay to give yourself time to process and mourn things. And it’s better you do it alone, because having your boyfriend around just makes you feel even more miserable. You deserve to be loved in a healthy way, in a way that gives you joy and happiness. Love doesn’t have to mean misery and suffering, as it was for you all these years.

True love exists out there, but first it needs to be born inside of you – you need to love and value yourself. And you did the first step by quitting your job, no matter how clumsy or imperfect the act of quitting might have been (you can tell us more about it, if you’d like). But what’s important is that you stood up for yourself. That was an act of self-love. Now try to keep that momentum going, try not to spiral back into self-deprecation and suffering – because it doesn’t have to be your reality, because you’re capable and worthy of so much more!

Dear Peter,

I didn’t understand why I was giving you the impression that the realizations and lettings go I experienced wasn’t complete or real. I know that wasn’t your intent but I felt that you were trying to push me back into re-analyses and put in doubt my experiences.

You yourself were talking about re-crossing the river, using the raft when it’s no longer needed, the temptation to go back and climb the mountain again, and the possibility that you might forget the moment of letting go. These metaphors made me think that you’re doubting your own experience of letting go.

When you were asked the question ‘how do you know when you have let go’ you avoided any personal information about the experiences that were related to that.

I talked about my healing process on the other threads. It was mostly related to inner child healing, which allowed me to re-experience the painful memory and give it a different ending, so to speak, so that I am no longer stuck in that particular childhood wound. But I didn’t intend to hide anything when answering your question: the reason I know that I’ve healed is because my life has changed as a result. So that would be the ultimate “proof”, I believe.

When I talked about my parents I opened the door for you to question my experience of letting go. I thought adding some personal information would help the point I was trying to make and that seems to have been a error.

In the posts where you talked about your parents, you also used the above metaphors, that might suggest a certain doubt on your part, that’s why I thought the two may be related.

Dear Peter,

Nice. You focused on the outcome and avoided giving to much detail about which specific wounds you had to deal with. I see my error. Thanks

Not sure what you mean above – what error of yours do you see?