Dear SereneWolf,

But that’s the cons for a good therapist, right? If they’re like really good at what they do, They don’t have enough time for all of their clients.

Unfortunately yes, the better they are, the less available they are. I think a good pace for therapy is once a week or maybe once in 2 weeks. If you’re seeing your therapist only once a month, it might not be enough.

But yeah this world needs more people like you

Oh thank you for your kind words!

That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right?

Well, this is what you said about your communication style:

Silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility

I think you said the reason you started resenting them (or one of the reasons) was that they didn’t pay enough importance to what was important to you. But instead of telling them it bothers you, you were just sulking silently and didn’t want to talk to them. You blamed them for “making you feel that way” and expected them to fix the problem, without ever telling them what’s bothering you. So, this is what I said that you should change.

So when you ask: That’s mainly because I don’t express emotions clearly but more in complex way. Right? — it’s more like you don’t say what’s bothering you (you hide your real feelings), and instead, you expect them to guess what’s bothering you and make amends. Is that how it usually happens?

Hmm that’s right I’m feeling like I’m not able feel the way that I felt in my first or second relationship. So feeling of Love is just meh for me.

This sounds like rationalization: it could be that you’re afraid of feeling “in love” again (like you did in your first 2 relationships), because it was very frustrating and energy draining for you. And so you’re guarding yourself from that feeling, because you don’t want to feel all the “side-effects” of feeling in love again. When you think of being in love, you immediately think of the “side effects”, and it’s just cools you down immediately and makes you feel “meh”. Maybe this is what’s happening?

And I think that feeling of love (Not just romantic) is really important. It gives that warmth and give you the perspective to look everything around you with love and kindness. I know my heart is full of love, for sure! But what the point if it’s this much guarded and closed.

Sure, the feeling of love is important, and I guess you have it in you, because you find joy in many things in life. You said it yourself that your inner child is still in awe about life. Which is great!

But it could be that you’re in awe with animals, plants and nature in general, but much less with people? Because you’re afraid of people, you believe they’ll hurt you… specially people very close to you, such as your romantic partner. So maybe you don’t see the other person with the same awe and appreciation like you see the night sky, for example?

And like after starting this thread I did tried to approach a girl once (I was talking to Anita that time) and I still remember it vividly. We were on the bus sitting next to each other and It took like me 2 hours to approach but I was crazy I didn’t talked, I was all sweaty and anxious, I typed it my phone notes app and showed it her. And She said I’m engaged. After that in my head I was like “oh well I proved my point I did asked her. Now look at the window and just listen to Spotify. Don’t you dare turn your face towards her”

😀 Yeah, it’s usually not a good idea to make a move on someone on the bus 🙂 Because you haven’t even talked to her, and then out of the blue, you showed her the text saying you liked her… which is a bit too much… Next time, try a more gradual approach (even if it’s on a bus 🙂 ): try talking to the girl, engage her in a conversation, and see if she’s responsive or she feels uncomfortable…

Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing. So yeah after gathering the data I can say Yes.

Alright, so you agree that your outer critic could be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. Okay, so keep that in mind next time when you start having critical thoughts about the girl you’re dating, and start feeling that she should change…

Btw it’s interesting that you could talk about this to your ex. Does it mean you ended the relationship on good terms?

Like for leadership roles I used to think why would I take this much responsibility? That’s just crazy. Just work on what you have and relax.

Hmm.. I got the impression that you were pushing yourself to do more and faster all the time. That you weren’t telling yourself to just relax, but quite the opposite?

Dear Katrine,

I too (like X) think he uses alcohol, women and drugs to feel better about himself. I really hurts, I have been through a lot and don’t deserve this behaviour.

I know.. unfortunately when people are in their ego, they hurt others. He definitely hurt you with his behavior, because he was actually manipulative, both before you confessed to him, and after. Before you confessed, he behaved like he cared about you, but then it turned out he doesn’t. He was like “no, I don’t see you that way”. Although he did behave “that way”!

And then after you confessed, he started playing those games, as if he still wants to have power over you and keep you pining for him. So, looking back, it seems all he did (and is still doing) is manipulation. And that can be really hurtful, because you like the guy, you have your hopes up, and then it just gets squashed…

I think in this case my avoident naturen served me better, cuz I never gave him the same amount of attention as the others.

Right…but you know what I am thinking now? That perhaps your avoidant nature was a challenge for him (if he indeed craves female attention), and that’s why he was keen to win you over? Maybe he was flirty with you because in the beginning you ignored him (or pretended to ignore him), and he instinctively tried to charm you away and make you his “fan”? Because he needs girls to like him…

I don’t know, maybe I am taking this too far. But it would explain his behavior, which so far was a mystery to me and I couldn’t figure him out. Let me know what you think…

I am sure we will stay in touch. He talked about going back to Brazil in May for a couple of months and then come back here.

I am so glad! You seem to have a genuine relationship, without games and playing hide and seek. I am rooting for you two! And I hope the situation with the head chef resolves soon.

Dear SereneWolf,

I believe we’re getting closer too. Heck you’re even more efficient and resourceful than my current therapist

Haha, I’ve been talking to you longer and much more frequently than your therapist, that’s why 🙂

I did share my hopes and dreams without fear of being ridiculed. Because I’m kind of confident about talking about something that I’m passionate about. And I never felt that they are judging my hopes or dreams just because it’s not same as some other people.

That’s good! It’s nice that you could freely share that part of yourself, and that they weren’t judgmental at all.

But like silent treatment was like my main trait. And instead of discussing I just expected them to solve it because I be like it’s their fault, they made me feel this way. So now it’s their responsibility.

Yeah, that part you’d need to change…

Thanks for the positive progress reminders. I think for self-compassion it’s only starting but thanks to mindfulness I’m able to see some progress. Also thanks to you obviously

I am glad you’re seeing some progress! And you’re welcome!

But that makes me think like… Is that why my heart feels in like neutral gear now? I don’t know how to explain because for so long I haven’t actually shared my heart and have a real intimacy. So even though now that doctor girl is good, I still don’t feel like anything much for her. Maybe just a little attraction but nothing more.

Right… well, your heart is probably very guarded. And you probably don’t allow yourself to feel much because you’re afraid of where it may lead you. So far relationships were always a disappointment and a cause of frustration, so you’re very very careful. And also, you said that so far it was always that the girl approached you. You never made the first move… But did you ever like a girl but were afraid to approach her?

Hmm more or less yes I think.. But I’ll still think about it more and let you know

Okay…

Right! and that’s really interesting and awesome concept to know about. Love it

Glad you liked it!

Yes I agree. And I think before starting all this I just used to run away from the uncomfortable situations and emotions. But without facing we can’t actually understand the root and heal it. But as I started to face things head on my resilience got better and better and I did overcome some of my past fears. Still have to work on some fears but yeah

Really good to hear this. You’re right – there is no growth and fulfillment in life without facing our fears, so yes, you’re on the right track 🙂

Dear Katrine,

Yeah I think so too. He’s only hanging out with girls from work never the boys, or even just a mix. First it was X and Y and the partying (that he keeps saying that he will stop with) now it’s the young girls and drinking. I can see the weirdness and anxiety in him goes away and he’s confident.

Oh I didn’t know that he’s hanging out only with girls. Yeah, in that case it does seem like he needs female company to boost his ego. Almost like he needs to be liked and desired by girls to feel good about himself (you said that being in female company makes him self-confident and less anxious). That’s why he is probably flirting a lot – because he needs all that attention and interest from girls.

And with you, it seems that even if he doesn’t want to date you, he still has the need to “keep you interested” by playing those games. Now that I think about it, it could be that he is sending you strange vibes not because he has feelings for you and is conflicted, but because he has the need to keep the woman interested, even if he is not interested in her. Because that gives a boost to his ego. I am sorry if it hurts you to hear this, and I am not even sure if it’s true, but based on everything you’ve shared about him so far, it seems quite likely to me, unfortunately.

It’s stille not easy to see, but I have been reacting eay less than before. I don’t know if he’s still going to travel abroad or if he’s changed his mind. Hope he does leave cuz it’s hard to move on from something that you are constanly confronted with.

I am glad you’re less and less reactive to him! And that even if he stays, he won’t be such a challenge for you in the future.

The day we went to the gallery I got a bit nervous around, not knowing what to say. It felt a bit date like and a very good day.

Did you have butterflies in your stomach? Because if so, it’s a good sign for you, isn’t it?

Today I was supposed to see him at work but he left shortly after saying he’s not sure he will come back to work here again because of the head chef. He said he needs some rest and time to think which I completely understand and he knows I am here when he’s ready to talk about it.

So the head chef still hasn’t been fired? I am sorry your guy is feeling bad about it. No wonder he is considering leaving if nothing changes. But if he decides to leave his job, I hope you two will still stay in touch!

Dear Eriads,

His issue is that the two of them have never really “bonded … It’s true that she does sometimes avoid him because she’s shy and she really doesn’t see him as anything more than my husband.

B also thinks it’s rude that she will sometimes come and go and not say “hi” to him or engage in conversation.

If your daughter sometimes avoids your husband and doesn’t want to say hi, it tells me she does feel certain resentment towards him. But the question is what is the cause of this resentment? There can be plenty. Just an example (I am mentioning this not knowing any of your background), it can be that she resents you for remarrying, it can be that her father doesn’t like that you remarried and she solidarizes with him. Or maybe she feels a certain pressure from your husband to be friendly with him, which she doesn’t like.

Also, the fact that the two of them never really bonded can be due to multiple reasons. Maybe it’s because you started dating him 3 years ago, which is at the beginning of covid, so you couldn’t really travel and spend fun time together? Or she lived with her father during covid? Or your husband prefers certain activities during leisure time, which your daughter doesn’t like? Again, there can be a number of reasons.

I think you should think about the possible reasons for your daughter’s distance and resentment, because that will give you the clue about how to deal with it. It could be a combination of more factors. It could also be that your husband is too sensitive and has too high expectations, so he kind of exacerbates the problem instead of acting like an adult (as you pointed out too) to seek resolution?

Dear Katrine,

so good to hear from you! I am glad you’ve been feeling better lately and also managing your anxiety around the guy better. Yes, he seems like playing his usual games, provoking you on purpose, sitting in front of you while making out with his girlfriend, then later filming you while you were dancing….

It’s like he wants to have power over you, but not only over you, but other women as well, since you say he’s been fooling around with girls, cheating on his current girlfriend etc. Probably keeping women interested in him gives a boost to his ego, and it’s like a game for him. As I said, I don’t like him at all…

And it’s so good to hear that you’re not super anxious around him any more, and that your interest is turning towards the chef. He does seem sweet and caring, and I do hope your relationship deepens. Is he planning to come back after he visits his home country?

Dear Emma,

I am really sorry for what happened to you. It is so unfair and humiliating that a woman of such questionable character (M) managed to guilt-trip K into marrying her, after he’d already met you and seen through her intentions. It is unfortunate that he couldn’t say No to her blackmail and send her away. It is even stranger than he proceeded to stay married to her for 8 years (if I am counting well), until she took all of his money and left the country to marry another man. During the time they were together, she was mistreating him, humiliating him and insulting him in front of everyone.

All of this is telling me that K allowed to be fooled and abused by M for many years, and that you and your love were not enough to stop him from making self-destructive decisions. There was something in him – a sense of guilt or low self-esteem – which made him work against himself.

Unfortunately, this self-destructive drive is still in him. Because you – the woman he claims he loves – have forgiven him. And you are willing to leave behind the past and start anew. But he doesn’t want it, he is depressed, he “isn’t interested in doing much of anything “, and he refuses to see a therapist. Again, a self-destructive drive at play…

You’re right when you say that you’re being punished again (I can’t help but feel as if I’m still being punished instead of her). Now, after she sucked the life out of him (which he allowed) and he probably feels defeated and ruined, you should live with the consequences and accept that he is a ruined man. But why? He could get better if he wanted to. If he really cared about you, he would agree to seek help.

But something within him doesn’t let him, and he prefers to stay miserable. And he would like your company…. Well, you don’t need to keep him company in his misery. You deserve more. If he isn’t willing to help himself, you don’t have to be a part of it.

I know it’s hard for you, since he is the man you really loved. But please be wise and don’t let yourself be fooled once again…

Dear SereneWolf,

I totally agree like you mentioned (and even others told me) I was resourceful and pretty much self- reliant. But the thing is that for my parents and grandparents they never saw that as my good accomplishments. They were always like look what he did at this age? Look what he accomplished? Mainly my grandfather and father (Both are very “perfectionist” nature) So instead of praising they were criticizing me and that made me realize that no matter what I’ll do I wouldn’t be good enough for them. (I realized that years ago)

Good that you’ve realized it at a relatively young age! But the imprint stayed, and so their perfectionism became your own perfectionist inner critic. Which is telling you that you’re not good enough, not accomplishing enough at work, not earning enough money etc etc. It’s sad that both your father and grandfather were perfectionists, so you received a double dose of criticism.

Not only that, but it seems there was no male role model who could have served as a positive father figure (“My neighbors are like that, older relatives etc because they grew up in competitive environment“). So you were surrounded by bad role models…

Yes, I can totally relate! I know that feeling, but it must have been hard for you. In my case it was my grandfather. And even though I had good grades, It wasn’t enough! I felt literally pressurized to be in the Top 3 students! and yet I still made it as a Top 1st student till the end of high school. Just to feed their ego. So he can talk others like “look my grandson has always been the 1st”.

Right… so for your grandfather, it seems you were a tool to boost his vanity and pride. He boasted to others with your accomplishments, while at the same time he wasn’t really proud of you, but kept criticizing you. I can see how damaging it was for you, and how toxic. I understand why you wanted to get away ASAP…

But Because my mother and grandmother never criticized me for that and just loved me without any expectations from me. so It was kind of sane place for me. Otherwise, I swear I’d have to run in the jungle much earlier and never return.

It’s good you weren’t criticized by your mother and grandmother. However, I get the feeling that they didn’t protect you from your father’s and grandfather’s criticism either. Your mother told you to take your father’s criticism silently and “maturely”, so basically she never challenged your father to change his approach. My father never protected me from my mother’s criticism either. That’s why the damage done by my mother was much bigger than it should have been. Because my father allowed the abuse and didn’t say anything. I think something similar happened to you too?

And sometimes I think how self-confident, fearless and full of hope kid I used to be. Because of the criticized father and my inner criticism over the years my self-confident and self-esteem is still quite low, and it did affect my career and relationships quite a bit. So I still have to work on my self-esteem and self-confidence.

Yeah, and I think there is even a difference between self-esteem and self-confidence. Self-esteem is a basic sense of self-worth (which doesn’t depend on any skill that you possess), whereas self-confidence is related to various skills we have. Say a professional athlete may have a lot of self-confidence that they are good at sports, but once they get injured, they may feel worthless because their self-esteem was based on their skills and not on a deep inner sense that they are worthy as a person.

Perhaps you too feel self-confident is some things, but what is missing is a deeper sense of self-worth, of being worthy simply because you exist?

Yes I believe I can resonate.  Because those lines hits me. As you know in my previous relationships, I wasn’t being my true self and shielded my heart.

Right.. and it seems to me that you’re very cautious with relationships not only because of your father’s (and grandfather’s) criticism, but also because you weren’t protected enough by your mother. So relationship might seem like a very scary thing, where no one is on your side?

Okay so I’m not sure if my subconscious mind believes in that but I’m sure that my conscious mind doesn’t believe competition in the relationships. It was mostly fear of judgments, criticism and inability to express my emotions properly.

Okay, you’re afraid to be judged by your partner. So to protect yourself, you rather judge her and make her seem deficient, so to feel less vulnerable? Like, you first judge her before she can judge you?

This part could be true though. Conscious and subconscious both levels

Okay, so you don’t want a relationship to be a competition and a power struggle. You hate it. And that’s why you’d rather not go into it. But the problem is that a part of you believes that relationship is a power struggle. Or at least that being in a relationship means being judged, criticized and hurt. That you can’t show your weaknesses, or even your spontaneity (like dancing while cooking lunch) without being criticized. Right?

And if you approach relationships from that vantage point (which is a vantage point of fear), then I think it’s better not to date. Because you’ll likely get more of the same. But if you work on slowly dissolving that fear, on realizing why it’s there and then dissolving it… that’s when you open yourself to a different kind of dynamic in a relationship. To a possibility of a healthy relationship.

That would be my answer to your question whether you’re ready to date (You think I’m ready? Or I still need lot of healing even to start dating someone?). I think you’re ready to date if you can let go of some of that fear of judgment in the relationship. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to…