Dear Katrine,

Nothing new happened just that we don’t talk as much as I would like.

Is it because he’s busy? Have you told him you’d like to talk more frequently? Btw how often do you talk?

Cuz i don’t have control over it and I don’t know if he is just gonna forget about me. If he was still working here i don’t think my anxiety would be so bad, cuz then i would know that he was definitly coming back. But with hus new job having head quaters in Portugal where he has lived before and he even has family there.

I see it’s hard for you, and I think it’s the fear of abandonment and rejection coming up. And it’s probably the same kind of fear you grew up with…Perhaps it could help if you had a doll or a fluffy animal who represents you as a child, and to just hold and caress that doll, and tell her you are with her and that everything will be fine. The idea is to stay in touch with your inner child and soothe her.

And also, talk to him, tell him you miss him, be open about it. You’ve got nothing to lose if you’re open about it – and much to win.

Let me know how it is going…

Hey SereneWolf,

Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! it’s much clearer to me and yeah, I do like “I’m easy to love” affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat

You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.

Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.

There’s another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because it’s been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)

Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.

Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?

[Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?] — Yes Exactly!

Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).

However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.

Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression). Anyway, I think processing your anger will do you good in more than one way.

Regulations my emotions, that’s we are already working on so. What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?

Hm, I think it’s writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.

Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?

You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.

Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.

About boundaries you’re right and for so long he haven’t disrespected any of my boundaries tbh

That’s good to hear!

Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you haven’t done something worthwhile?

Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with 🙂 We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existing…

I’m not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?

Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).

You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.

So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…

Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!

You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!

Dear Ocean Shayan,

you are welcome, and thank you for your kind words!

I got divorced from my first wife within a month of this ‘Angelic guy’ coming to my house. He also gave reasons for my wife’s walking away saying God was ‘against’ me and he said it was actually Buddha who was speaking through him.

Does it mean his words reassured your ex wife that she should divorce you? I am sorry it ended like that, but also that you found love again, got married and have a child. Congratulations!

It’s also good that you’ve bounced back after the financial losses during covid.

Good to hear you’re exercising regularly. It’s interesting what you’ve noticed that a certain position of your foot/heel reduces the amount of negative thoughts you’re having. Haven’t heard of that before, although I know of the benefits of exercising on our mental health.

It seems you’re doing better than before covid and have a good, fulfilling life. And that you don’t worry that much, but as you said, are focusing on the present moment. Keep up the good work! And write whenever you feel the need!

Dear Ocean Shayan,

I’ve known people who claimed to be channeling deities, angels etc. I even believed them for a while, but then started to see through the scam. They too talked about the end of the world, and the need to save the world. It’s a very frequent narrative. And if your guy asked for money to back his “save the world” project, it’s a clear sign it was a scam.

Finally managed to free myself from his grasp, though he seemed quite genuine.

It’s great that you managed to free yourself from his grip. Even if he had some psychic abilities, it doesn’t mean he was well-meaning and sincere.

You said it happened a few years ago, when you were going through a rough phase. It’s actually quite common that we are more susceptible in vulnerable periods of our life. How are you feeling about it now?

Hi SereneWolf,

Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when you’re walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks

Thanks, that’s one of my greatest wishes!

I mean I know they’re professional they wouldn’t lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah I’m afraid of being judged

I see – so you’re on the lookout because you’re afraid you might say something that these people won’t like, and they’ll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when he’ll lash out at you (my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety… because you’re projecting your father into them.

If that’s so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because you’ve realized this recently about yourself, and I think it’s a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).  If “I am easy to love” is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like “I’ve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.” Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?

I don’t like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others

Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you don’t like?

I guess it’s bit of both? One of the reasons why I haven’t been enough emotionally expressive. Because I’d feel like I’m being rude and insensitive to others

Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?

Well that’s easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though they’re acting nice with you? So, I don’t think she’s manipulating with her emotions.

Another thing is that it’s hard to know if she’s emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. She’s like a naïve little girl who doesn’t like to bottle up emotions like we “mature” adults do

Good that she doesn’t use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up one’s emotions… well, that’s not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?

Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, that’s not a sign of maturity…

Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself that’s what I can think about now

Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself “I am easy to love”, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of course…

And it took me years to realize that

Better later than never! 🙂

Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after you’re healed, It’s really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldn’t just settle with anyone.

Well, I’d say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you won’t get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, you’ll quickly see it’s not good for you and you’ll leave. So I don’t see any drawbacks of healing, just positives…

Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didn’t listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?

I think it’s a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what you’ve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you can’t really forgive him if you haven’t expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You don’t need to express it to him, and it wouldn’t even be advisable, but you’d need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy – before you can forgive your father.

Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father – as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.

So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.

Yeah which I think it’s really concerning thing to work on

Yeah, you’d need to validate yourself. You’d need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that you’re worthy simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to earn your worth – it’s something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think that’s the bottom line: if you know you’re worthy, you won’t need others to validate you.

I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that I’m feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) It’s just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..

So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they don’t agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?

Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.

I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you don’t want to cut ties. And you don’t need to cut ties. The way you can do it – to have a relationship without hate on your side – is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.

You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and you’ll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You won’t allow to be abused like before.

So you’ll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. That’s the only way I know of how you truly heal…

This week it was my birthday, I’m in my late 20s now

Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!

And oh dear I definitely felt like “Time is passing too fast” I mean I know it’s normal and there wasn’t any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I don’t know what I’m trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I don’t know why am I feeling pulled down and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think it’s meaningful but after we’ve achieved it, It just lost it’s meaning.. So it’s like a constant chasing something that we’re sure we won’t be satisfied with…

Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?

In reality, you are still very young, you’ve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). You’re also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, you’re constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself… I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!

But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said: I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too

Cheers to that! 🙂 And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!

Hi Adam,

how are things? How have you been doing?

P.S. I now realize that I’ve probably misunderstood this sentence:

She said they worked it out and are good friends now, but it was abig betrayal there.

You probably meant that X and Y worked it out since, not X and the guy who assaulted her, right?

Dear Joyce,

to start a new topic, go to Forums –> All Forums,  and then select a category in which you want to post (e.g. Relationships, Tough Times, etc).

In my experience, each post that contains a link automatically goes to moderation. So if you want your post to appear instantly, don’t include any links.

I hope this helps.