Dear Mindy,

I am so sorry for all the horrible losses you’ve experienced in recent years. The way the deaths of your loved ones happened – suddenly and unexpectedly – made them even more traumatic. Even your husband, who was sick with cancer and dementia died suddenly, due to a fall. I can’t even imagine how hard and devastating it was to have this series of tragedies all happen within the span of a few years.

But perhaps the worst of all is the way how your youngest son and his family (including your ex husband) is treating you. It is indespicable that they are blaming you for your oldest son’s death, and that they said horrible lies to the police so they had you handcuffed and taken away!

That’s malignant and outright evil! You said your youngest son always felt entitled, and it could be that this is his revenge for you not giving him the money he was asking for, for not giving him what he wanted?

It is awful that your youngest son and his family are still blaming you and harassing you on social networks. What would be important is that you don’t believe their accusations! I hope you don’t, and that you can see that you are in no way to blame for your son’s death. Those are malignant and unjustified accusations – just like those after your son died – and it seems their goal is to destroy you and your mental health. Perhaps your ex husband participates because he still resents you for leaving him and remarrying (if this is what happened?) and he is punishing you for that?

In any case, it would be extremely important that 1) you don’t believe those accusations, and 2) that you surround yourself with people who support you and are on your side.

It’s great that you have a therapist, but as you say, that’s not enough. Is there a Church you can join or another supportive community (perhaps you can look up a group of parents with estranged children)?

I think it’s crucial for your well-being that you’re not alone with your thoughts all the time, and that you have someone who doesn’t blame you and accuse you all the time. Because that’s what you’ve been receiving all this time. Instead, you need people who have empathy and understanding for you, and who are on your side.

Dear SereneWolf,

thank you for your prayers and support! Thankfully I am a bit better now (had a bit of a rough patch last week) and am continuing with physical therapy.

Finally, I got a really good opportunity for a Management Position and I’m on interview stage so I’m hoping to get this position.

Last time I forgot to congratulate you on you applying for a management position – how did it go? Did you get it?

I’m understanding that now that how much energy and guts needs be sensitive and vulnerable. Yet it’s really important. The person we share sad times we bond with them are much stronger than when we’re just smiling around people even though spending more time with them.

Very true! The strength and quality of the relationship can be seen in tough times, not when everything goes smoothly…

Yes you guessed it right. I do think it’s maybe because of that

Okay, so be aware that you have this false belief “if I show vulnerability, I’ll be attacked.” And change it to some positive statement about vulnerability, e.g. “showing vulnerability is key for a loving relationship”.

Yes exactly! And the thing is whenever I needed something, and it wasn’t there. Like if we scheduled something and I’m giving it importance, but she isn’t, it would just make me furious even though I knew it’s not right to be angry on small matters like that and yet I was doing the silent treatment.

Alright, so now you know what triggered your anger in the relationship: when you felt hurt by something your girlfriend did or failed to do, but were unwilling to express that hurt and tell her what bothers you. Instead, you got angry at her for not seeing your hurt, for not recognizing your needs. That’s when you started to close your heart and the shield went up.

You were angry, even furious at her, but I guess you didn’t want to show your anger either (you didn’t want to be aggressive and yell at her – which is good!). So what you did is use passive aggressive means: sarcasm and silent treatment. They are both expressions of anger, only in a veiled form. With silent treatment, we’re punishing the person for hurting us. The problem is that the person might not even know that they’ve hurt us, since we haven’t told them!

So the solution would be that when you feel your girlfriend is doing something that hurts you – to tell her, instead of resenting her for not figuring it out on her own. Once you tell her, you’ll see how she reacts and whether she can understand and empathize with you…

By the way, I haven’t asked you about your date which was supposed to happen last weekend, right? (around 10 days ago) How did it go, if you don’t mind me asking?

Dear SereneWolf,

sorry for a later reply, I am not doing that great health-wise, which bogs me down quite a bit.

Yes, you’re right and I’m working towards putting good silence on that drill sergeant.

Good to hear that! I like how you approached the mishap with the missed online meeting. Although it was your fault, this person’s reaction was quite unforgiving. First, they logged out within less than 5 minutes of the agreed time. And then they refused to reschedule – showing no understanding and a strong judgmental attitude. So you’re right, it’s probably for the best that you don’t have them as your client.

I think the thing is that I know I’m sensitive. This could be my strength and my weakness. Both. But unconsciously I maybe still thinking more as a weakness and less as a strength. Means still there is some kind of fear.

Yes, sensitivity is the same as vulnerability. You may think it’s your weakness, but at the end of the day, it’s your strength, specially in a romantic relationship. (Just as a side note, we’re not meant to be vulnerable in every relationship, of course, e.g. we don’t want to be sensitive/vulnerable with ill-meaning, toxic people!). However, in a romantic relationship, the goal is to be open and honest with each other, to be able to talk about our fears and weaknesses, and yet be understood and supported by the other – rather than blamed and judged.

You did say a while ago that you feared sharing too much of your “imperfections” or problems, even if your girlfriend showed compassion, because you thought it would make you “weaker” than her. As if she would use the knowledge of your weaknesses to hurt you, rather than to help you and encourage you…

So you might have a false belief, saying something like “if I show my weakness, I will be attacked”. Perhaps you’ve picked it up in your family of origin – because your father did indeed attack you and chastise you for showing even the slightest weakness? So you’ve learned to hide your weaknesses – not to be attacked?

Yet still there was times I wasn’t able to say things on their face like you’re doing this and it’s hurting me. I was just making sarcastic comment or neglecting on that and be like they should understand these “signals” and they will work on it.

Alright, so you didn’t dare to say that something was bothering you openly, but you used passive aggressive means, such as sarcasm. You were afraid to openly admit that something is hurting you. In other words, you were afraid to openly admit that you are vulnerable and that the person has the power to hurt you. And so instead, you put a shield around your heart… and the language of a shielded heart is sarcasm.

For example, instead of saying “it hurts me when you don’t reply to my texts for an entire day”, you say “I guess you’re so extremely busy that you don’t have time to reply to my texts”. It’s like sending a little poisonous arrow instead of being honest (and vulnerable) and saying “this hurts me”…

And when they haven’t changed their behavior patterns and did the same things over and over. I took it like they’re the ones not putting efforts (even though that they were somewhat aware of this) in this relationship only me who’s working for making it better. So I don’t want it and I’d just breakup.

Right… you felt that they didn’t care, even though you’ve never openly expressed what was bothering you. Instead of being honest and vulnerable, you rather blamed it on them and called it quits…. So perhaps your shield started to go up as soon as the person was doing something that was hurting you, but you didn’t have the courage to admit it, and so you switched to sarcasm and started feeling resentment?

Dear Katrine,

people always told me if i guy likes you would know but I’m always in doubt

well, it’s not always that obvious, because it can be that someone is a gentleman and kind, but doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. The example you gave, with a guy offering you an extra towel, could be an example of that… So you’re right to be cautious not to mistake politeness and kindness in general with liking you/having feelings for you.

But if someone wants to spend a lot of time around you, makes flirty comments (just to you), if you notice them watch you sometimes and they don’t remove their gaze instantly but keep it on you for a second longer – those are all signs that a guy likes you. And of course, if they invite you for a drink – that’s a clear sign.

i go go over to them and start conversations, and if i see them in the bar i go home because of my anxiety. I’ll reply when spoken to but I keep my distance.

I guess you meant to say “I don’t go over to them and start conversations”? If so, that’s not such a huge problem because not everyone is that self-confident and extroverted. You can be seen as shy, and that’s okay.

However, the fact that you leave the place when you see them – that’s a big problem. It sends a message to the guy that you don’t even want to communicate, that you’re not interested in them. If you avoid every opportunity to spend time with the guy you like, that’s a problem.

I’ll reply when spoken to but I keep my distance.

Is it that you reply briefly, but then you don’t ask them anything back? The conversation sort of dies, unless the guy keeps asking?

Like when he kept saying but who is gonna pour me a beer? I felt that by waiting the 30 min he would figure out i did it because of him and he would see me as clingy, but looking back waiting to go with two colleagues to go to the same party wasn’t gonna make me look clingy or weird.

Yes, he was sort of flirting with you, wanting you to stay for another half an hour, showing you he likes your company. If we like someone, we want to spend as much time as possible around them. It doesn’t make us clingy. Or better say, no wonder we want to cling to (be around) someone we like. So next time, don’t hesitate to “cling” to someone you like, specially if they want to hang around you as well 🙂

Yes I definitly see a pattern. It was so weird that it’s easier to be close to someone you don’t have feelings for than someone i like.

You’ve actually explained it so well already: because it hurts less should they reject you. The stakes aren’t so high.

I was thinking about the fact that you went out with the guys you didn’t like, and it occurred to me that it might have been a sort of “exposure therapy” for you – to get over the fear of men? I am saying this because you were told in your childhood to force yourself to do the things you fear… so perhaps you applied the same principle to your dating life, in order to get over the fear of men? If so, it’s only logical you’d rather date someone you don’t really like, because they’ll hurt you less than someone you like…

Do you think this could have been the case?

But yeah now i can start to break this pattern and I didn’t realise that I already did

Yes, that was a great success and a major breakthrough for you – breaking the old, destructive patterns!

Dear Katrine,

Oh I see – so your former colleague wasn’t really a flirty type, he just called every woman baby because of his culture (perhaps he was Italian? 🙂 ). He was telling everybody in the office about you, but he never made a move. He called you princess, but he never asked you out on a date, although he was telling to your guy coworkers that he would…

Do you think it’s possible that he chickened out because you were a bit closed off and guarded?

I am asking because you say that you are very careful not to fall for someone too easily:

I usually spend 6 months analysizing everything to keep me from getting hurt, before I take a step forward. I need a lot of reassurance before I start believing that someone likes me

It takes a hella lot for me to attach myself to someone

I become very avoident to the people i am atracted to… I know now that it’s not social anxiety but a fear of vulnerbility that triggers my anxiety, and a fear of rejection. I’m fine until it gets to close.

So maybe you acted a bit cold/guarded with him, and it discouraged him from making a move?

Based on what you said, it seems that in general, you’re very guarded around the guys you like and even pretend that you don’t like them (I become very avoident to the people i am atracted to). And this pretending can last for quite a long time, maybe even months (you said it takes around 6 months till you’re sure that the guy likes you).

If so, perhaps you’re sending the wrong message to the guy you like, and by the time you’re sure he likes you, he sort of loses interest?

This is just a speculation, Katrine. I am trying to understand why it so happens that a guy seems to like you, but doesn’t make a move….

Dear Katrine,

It’s was from April – Sept from he started working there. He was just a lot more extroverted and at times cocky.

Was he extroverted and cocky with you too in the beginning? Or he was always a little awkward with you?

In fact, now is the first time that I am having a picture of this guy being extroverted and cocky, i.e. of him being sort of a charmer (he is charming and flirts around… No nerves or anything.). So far I didn’t think he was so extremely self-confident around women, because you said that with you he was rather insecure, right? He told you that he too suffers from anxiety, and you thought that this is what you two have in common.

So it’s almost like two different personalities: one is extrovert, self-confident and even cocky, and the other anxious, awkward, insecure…. I am wondering – did he start behaving oddly around you only after you confessed that you like him? Or even before that?

As for the guy at your previous work place:

I was in a similar situation pre pandemic with a guy from work. He showed a lot of interest in me and only me, calling me princess and every other woman baby talking about me in a romantic sense to the guys at work etc. then after several months he got fired, he ghosted me shotly after. It left me heartbroken because where were the signs that he didn’t like me?

Right… well, if he called every woman baby, it shows a certain type of character – possibly a flatterer. I mean, if someone is a little bit flirty with every woman, and then even more flirty with you, I wouldn’t trust them too much, because flirtation is just a part of their “spiel”.

So I don’t know, maybe he was like that, but you liked it that he gave you a lot of attention and spoke to you nicely, and didn’t notice the red flags, such as him being “charming” with everybody?

Dear Katrine,

This was the thing i feared not being with him is bad enough but knowing that this girl is getting what i want is the worst.

I can imagine it feels bad… but try to remind yourself that you don’t really want what this guy has to offer. He can’t give you true love, caring, appreciation…. in short, he can’t give you a healthy and stable relationship. He is still fighting his own demons, so he has very little love to give.

I gonna try not to expect things from him, he been weird around me almost the entire time we’ve known each other he wont change around me now. There’s clearly something that makes him react like this only he knows the real reason why.

Yes, he has been weird. You’ve been trying to figure it out, and I too was coming up with all kinds of explanations. But at the end of the day, we don’t know why he has behaved like that and what’s in his head. Only he knows that. The only thing you can do is to let go, even to let go of trying to understand. Again, it’s important that you know it’s not your fault and not your responsibility.

It hurts and I know this will take time, I’m counting down to him leaving then it will be a lot easier.

I was thinking about you and what seems specially hurtful is that he was indeed showing interest in you during July-Sept. He was treating you differently than other girls, and it wasn’t all in your head. And then, when you finally approached him, he denied that he was interested and said “sorry, I don’t see you that way”.

So in a sense, he denied your reality – something that you’ve already experienced with your sister and parents. And not only that, but during those 2 months that he was showing interest, you hopes went up, you got more and more attached, and when he denied it all, no wonder it hurt so much.

So I just want to say that I understand how hard this is for you… Please know that none of it is your fault, and that you didn’t do anything wrong.

I hope you can stay away from him as much as possible and that over time, you’ll be less and less affected by him.

Dear Daniel,

you seem like someone with very high self-awareness, as well as sensitivity. And I think it’s actually to your benefit that you’re also an emotionally aware person, with empathy and an ability to listen (I am not weak when I say emotionally in tune, what I mean is I am not afraid to show interest/express a feeling/listen to others/help those in need because I care.)

I also believe it is to your benefit that you’re genuine, that you don’t play games and are wearing your heart on your sleeve. All those are qualities that women like and prefer, so I find it very unlikely that it is something that would repel them on the long-run (But I am starting to feel that this emotionally in tune side of me is weak to women or it doesn’t help ignite sparks or create attraction in me.)

What I am noticing instead is that you say you have a very supportive family:

I am in at a personal level thanks to the support/upbringing of my family & friends

stable career/family life

And at the same time, you say that your anxiety stems from your parents:

I think I have always had a degree of anxiety coming from my parents as they can be stress heads

Have they changed in the meanwhile and now they are very accepting and supportive of you?

I grew up around a very “alpha male” type of group and within sporting environments where sort of oneupmanship was a theme and a “boys club” type of vibe.

Have you experienced oneupmanship and “boys club” vibe only in the sport clubs that you were a member of? Or perhaps your father is also an alpha male, and you’ve experienced it at home too?

I am asking because it seems to me that a part of you might be too blended with your family, even if there might be some issues still unresolved between you?