Dear humour,

I eat healthy food too but I also eat because I crave a good feeling.

I see… so it’s mostly emotional eating then. I was like that too – wanted to get a good feeling, to forget about the pain (but as I said, I didn’t know back then that I was soothing myself…).

My mother is very supportive when I am down but I also stand up for myself if there is unreasonable blaming etc. We have a fairly healthy relationship.

That’s good to hear. So with her you feel you can stand up for yourself and set boundaries, without feeling guilty? And what you said earlier that you often don’t know what a normal reaction is – it happens in other relationships?

Experiences are teaching me a lot of things. I wish I did not have to learn this way. The downside is I am losing people although I m gaining a lot of lessons on the art of living.

Due to your negative experiences in childhood, you’ve adopted a certain belief system and certain core beliefs about yourself, which aren’t true. You may not be aware of those false beliefs, but they are affecting you and your relationships even to this day. And if you haven’t healed those childhood wounds properly, I am guessing that similar unpleasant experiences keep happening to you, and they are only confirming those false beliefs that you have about yourself or other people (or the world). That’s probably one of the reasons why you’re “losing people”. Because you’re reacting from those old wounds…

Have you been in therapy? Have you worked on your childhood wounds and your unmet childhood needs?

Dear Addy,

[Tee] In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.

[Addy] But I couldn’t understand this. What if we didn’t have the similar pain or experience?

Hm, I think that we don’t actually have to have a similar type of experience (a similar wounding) to understand someone else’s pain. My pain can come from e.g. being criticized, and someone else’s pain can come from being neglected – from their parent not paying attention to them. But the inner feeling of pain is similar: feeling unloved, uncared for, unsupported…

Maybe it can be compared to physical pain: I can empathize with someone who has broken their leg, even tough I myself have never broken a limb. But I can imagine how hard it is for them, and I have experienced other types of physical pain, so I can relate.

I don’t know if this explains it?

Dear humour,

you are welcome.

I usually don’t get angry easily, yet I will think on the lines you have mentioned, Tee.

Please do, because I don’t think you’re a super laid back person with a thick skin, who isn’t hurt by anything, are you? It sounds more like you are hurt and upset by things, but instead of reacting, you rather suppress those emotions. You don’t like reacting and showing people what you feel (am I right in assuming this?). And binge eating could be a way to soothe yourself, or distract yourself, so that you don’t feel those unpleasant emotions.

I agree with anita that it would help to observe yourself and see what triggers your binge eating episodes…

Actually the split is in my family of origin and it was natural, due to death and my sibling moving out after being marriage.

I see… so the split happened in 2017, when your father died and your sister moved out after she got married? Are you currently living with your mother?

I am looking out for a partner but haven’t been successful on that front.

You’re welcome to share more about it, if you’d like to…

Dear Katrine,

That feels really good to hear. I have been beating myself up really badly lately so it’s good to hear. Focusing on the process instead of the end results, and I’ve actually stepped out of my comfort zone quiete a lot I need to remember that.

I am glad it helped you see things from a different perspective – that really, you did nothing bad, and even if you behaved anxiously around him sometimes, you addressed that and opened up to him, going against your usual fear and withdrawal reaction… so yes, you’ve made great progress, even though the end result wasn’t the one you were hoping for.

But you did everything in your power, there is nothing you could have done more. The fact that he didn’t respond positively is on him, not on you. You did great and made significant progress, so yes, please remind yourself of that whenever you start doubting yourself!

I’m also trying to think about it more nuanced, like right now he’s stuck in my head as this amazing fantasy of what could have been. But having feelings for someone and what it’s like actually being with them is two different things. I have been focusing on the fact that we have many things in common that we could have bonded over like we both have a past, anxiety and a diagnosis. But that could also have worked against us, having a past that’s contanly getting triggered. Like Anita said so well in a post that a person who is unwell is not inclined to think much or care much about how his/her behaviour affects others. He has been drinking a lot lately, he knows it’s bad for his health a tries to stop but still ends up doing it. He used to work 8 jobs and party to the early morning, sleep two hours and then start again.

Right.. he seems quite troubled. And if he’s started drinking more heavily again, it means he’s in pain and chooses to numb/soothe himself with alcohol, rather than address the pain and try to heal it. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is addicted, because those people are indeed selfish (addiction makes them so). So even if he said yes, he would have probably hurt you sooner or later, and it wouldn’t have been a dream relationship that you fantasized about…

In fact, there is a saying “Be careful what you wish for – you might get it”. I think it can be applied to your situation too, because he seems like someone who is very confused, doesn’t know what he wants, and is in quite a lot of pain which he’s not dealing with in healthy ways… so it wouldn’t have been a very healthy relationship, it seems to me.

I have been isolating myself a lot lately, been very agitated and moody and extremely reactive. I can go from 0 to a 100 in a split sec emotionally and it’s really hard on my health. I can start seeing the difference between being regulated, I’m open, more authentic and can see him with empathy and that me being interested is just a really big compliment. When I’m dysregulated I view everyone as an enemy, someone who will hurt me even my friends and family regardless of them proving otherwise. So now I know that when I start isolating, getting defensive and pushing people away and wanting to cut all ties with them (like I felt with him, getting angry and wanted to completly ignore him) then I need to give myself a time out because I am not myself. Learning to self regulate is something I need to learn.

It’s good that you’re observing yourself and seeing the difference in your behavior when you’re mostly calm and relaxed vs. when you’re triggered. A very big difference, you say. And it changes in a split second, once you get triggered.

You’ve already identified the first step to do when you get triggered: to pause and give yourself time. Excellent! In addition, you can practice other emotional regulation techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing and grounding techniques, which help you to stay in the present moment and observe yourself, rather than slip into the fight-or-flight mode and react impulsively.

I think I’ve already mentioned it, but there is a youtube video by Dr. Nicole Lepera about what to do when you’re triggered, i.e. dysregulated. The title is “Here’s what to do when you’re triggered.”

She suggests 3 steps: 1) deep, belly breathing, 2) observing yourself, i.e. not identifying yourself with the wounded part which is coming up with the old narrative and flooding us with the emotions of hurt and reject (in your case, the wounded part is telling you that nobody loves you or cares about you, and that you’re worthless). So observe those thoughts and emotions, but don’t identify yourself with them. And 3) accept yourself with all those feelings and thoughts coming up – without judging yourself – and just allow those emotions to ride through you, like a wave. Eventually, they will subside.

Let me know if you’ve tried the exercise…

Saying to myself that people are actually interessted in hanging out with me, feels weird. Like I’m not completly convinced that they do. But many people at work has in fact reached out and wanted to spend time with me which they didn’t have to so they must see something good in my company.

Yes! People have reached out to you, Y has reached out to meet you recently, so yes, they like your company. You are likeable and people like hanging out with you. That’s the truth, and I hope you’ll accept it more and more…

Last night Y and I was supposed to go out for a drink just the two of us, but we 9 other people (mostly staff) ended up joining. That would normally have made me insanly nervous because more people having fun drinking makes me feel like the outsider. But it was really fun and I didn’t walk away feeling sad. So that was another win for me.

Yay! I am so glad that you weren’t nervous among so many people and in fact had a good time, leaving with good, pleasant memories. That’s another great achievement, Katrine! I am happy for you!

I am hoping that someone will ask me to join them for New Year’s Eve, to feel included. I don’t want to have to feel like I have to invite myself because that would make me feel pathetic.

Are you hoping that X and Y will invite you to join their party (after your shift is over)? Or there’s another party you have in mind?

Dear Addy,

I’d like to chip in and put in my 2 cents. I’ve read through your posts and excellent insights and advice anita gave you.

One thing occurred to me: that you don’t want to change and educate your father and you accept him as he is, however you seem to be trying to change and educate your girlfriends.

About your father, you said (answering to anita’s question):

[anita] Or did you already educate him but he didn’t care to be educated by… whom he perceives to be inferior to him?

[Addy] Okay so I haven’t tried that because I be like He wouldn’t stop sticking to his old thought and values. so why waste that energy?

About your current girlfriend, you said:

Sometimes I also put that pressure to being better on my girlfriend as well eg. for eating, and sleeping healthy by being strict with her. … I feel like sometimes I force them to be better which isn’t good.

She’s mostly complaining that I’m being hard on her. Even though I’m trying to take this patiently.

Whatever I suggest she be like it’s easy to tell, hard to do. Even though I tried being patience she’s just doesn’t want to get out of her comfort zone.

This seems you have certain expectations from your girlfriend and you behave like a strict, demanding parent with her. You say you try to be patient (unlike your father was with you), but still, the tendency is to criticize and try to “improve” the other person. Because you can’t accept them as they are. You need them to be better. Would you say that’s true?

I believe these two dynamics are related: on one hand you’re accepting your father as he is, not trying to fix anything about that relationship. And at the same time, you’re quite strict with your girlfriend, trying to fix her, being critical of her small “imperfections” or certain personality traits…. In short, shifting your focus (and perhaps your anger too?) away from your father and towards your girlfriend, it seems to me.

What do you think?

Dear Katrine,

I think seeing him as a friend would be best for me. That’s basically what I did with the guy I as with earlier this year, seeing him as a friend not an x lover made it way easier for me. It’s not my fault and I should not beat myself up for asking a guy out. It’s another opportunity to grow right?

I am loving your attitude! Yes, there was nothing wrong asking him on a date, specially since he showed all this interest. You took the initiative and tried to speed things up a little, so that you don’t stay in a limbo for too long. You did well! You didn’t know he would reject you, after showing all this interest. So…. don’t blame yourself for asking him out, for trying something which looked promising, but because of his limitations or confusion, didn’t work out.

What’s important is that you did well, you did what your heart told you, you were courageous, you stepped out of your comfort zone, and you expressed your feelings in spite of being afraid. That’s a huge step!

So be proud of yourself, Katrine, for reaching out and showing yourself, rather than retreating into your shell. Once again: well done, Katrine!

Thoughts aren’t facts, so just because I feel rejected doesn’t necessary mean that I AM being rejected. Y asked me last week that we need to go out for drinks and it felt good to hear that, and today we settle on a day to do just that, I think that it will be good for me. And I will write X tomorrow and ask how she is doing, and from the looks of her Instagram stories it looks like she is having a really good time.

That’s fantastic. I am so glad that you’re in touch with both X and Y, and don’t have resentments towards them. I am also glad that Y actually reached out to you – which means she is interested in your company. She didn’t have to reach out, but she did. So notice that and perhaps register it as a new thought: “People are actually interested in hanging out with me. People like my company.”

If you say this to yourself, how does it feel?

Celebrating my birthday (as an adult) alone with my parents and their friends so extremely painful. Like your supposed to celebrate that day with friends, and I haven’t suceeded in that too much in my life, hence the reason I get really anxious at this time of year.

I understand… you’ve never celebrated New Year’s – which is also your birthday – with your friends, because you didn’t have close friends with whom to celebrate it. You’ve always felt excluded and rejected. Last year it hurt so much because your best friend bailed out on you when her boyfriend changed his mind. That only confirmed your belief that nobody cares about you, that you’re not important to anyone.

But I am thinking that this year should be the Year of New Beginnings. Because now you know that those false beliefs are really false, that they aren’t reality. As you yourself so eloquently put it: “Thoughts aren’t facts, so just because I feel rejected doesn’t necessary mean that I AM being rejected.”

If you approach this New Year Eve’s celebrations with this new thought in mind – with this new attitude that people actually enjoy your company and appreciate you – how would you want to spend it? Where? With whom?

Maybe your preference is neither your parents’ house nor some crazy club party, but something else. Can you envision your perfect New Year’s Eve celebration?

Dear Katrine,

It’s really good to hear. I think it’s partly because of all the stressors that came all at once that really activated those old wounds that haven’t been healed yet. I’ve isolated more stopped eating and sleeping which definitly doesn’t make it easier to recognise when you start reacting to something from the past. My brain been constanly scanning for threats, I have been a lot more aggitated and reactive than two months ago, I am getting better now though.

Yes, his rejection hit you hard. It probably confirmed those false beliefs that you’re worthless and that nobody cares about you. And when X failed to invite you to go for drinks with them, it was another blow and another “confirmation” of this same false belief. It felt like total rejection – not just by him but by your friends too.

But I hope that you’ve realized in the meanwhile that X and Y aren’t against you and haven’t rejected you, but that on the contrary they were supportive and kind. And that the fact that they sometimes don’t invite you to those parties doesn’t mean they don’t like you or think less of you, but just that they’ve figured that you’re not a party person and don’t always fancy going out.

Just a couple of days ago him and Y were talking next to me about new years eve, she said oh you are going abroad, he said that he wasn’t sure anymore. She then said she wants to celebrate with a close group of friends and I fear that they are gonna celebrate together as a group without me. New year’s eve is my birthday and one that activates a lot of old wounds, celebrating without any friends but with my parents and their friends. That is really really hard, being without friends on your birthday and knowing that everybody else are celebrating that day with their friends, is extremly hurtful. And seeing them talk hurts a lot.

OK, so what stops you from celebrating this New Year with X and Y and other friends? Are you expected to go home for holidays and celebrate with your parents?

I’m also mad at myself for the times I had a change to spend time with him, but let my anxiety win. Like the first time he asked me to the bar and I left. He wasn’t flirting with her but I was jaloux and I was afraid that maybe I read him wrong. Or not having a beer with him before the party, or the turkish restaurant, or when he left his hat at my house I really wanted him to come pick it up so we had some alone time, but I was afarid of rejection so just told him that I would bring it to him. I need to forgive my self for not being better at handling my anxiety in those situations, I feel like my anxiety defeeded me.

It seems you’re blaming yourself for the fact that he rejected a relationship with you. You’re blaming yourself for e.g. leaving the bar without saying goodbye, however the truth is that this hasn’t stopped him from being interested in you and wanting to spend time with you. Because after that “gaffe” in the bar, he came to your housewarming party (after which he gave you a long hug), he invited you to a pub after work one evening (where you tasted each other’s beer), he came to X’s housewarming party…. If he really was repelled by your anxiety, or your awkwardness, he wouldn’t have shown interest in you after that incident in the bar.

He would have avoided you instead of seeking you out.

So I am almost sure that he wasn’t repelled at all by your awkwardness. It didn’t stop him at all.

And finally, you even apologized for your awkward behavior and expressed that you liked him. So you’ve attempted to repair whatever he might have misunderstood.

Therefore, you have absolutely no reason to blame yourself. It’s not your fault that he rejected a relationship with you. It’s most probably his own fears and insecurities (e.g. fear of intimacy). But definitely NOT your fault. Can you see that?

Regarding him I’m shifting between missing him (I even tear up and it’s so stupid) and getting really angry with him and wanting to just cut him off and ignore him.

I understand your feelings, Katrine, because his behavior is weird. He is hot and cold, and his behavior is confusing. However, I think that at this point it would help you if you accepted his decision (to not get involved romantically with you).

Accept it, and at the same time don’t blame yourself for it. Because it’s not your fault.

I think if you could change your attitude and not see it as your fault or as a “proof” that something’s wrong with you, it would be much easier to handle.

Because then you could decide what kind of relationship you want with him (apart from a romantic relationship, which he doesn’t want, at least for now). Maybe you’d still like to talk to him when he is in your vicinity? Or maybe you’d want to reply to his message about anxiety, because anxiety is a common topic and you might be able to support each other? (“we have a lot in common and with us both having anxiety we could have been good support for each other”.)

Of course, you don’t have to have any kind of relationship with him, if you don’t want to. But I think it would be much easier for you to handle the whole thing if you 1) accepted his decision, 2) stopped blaming yourself for it, and 3) changed your attitude to one of self-love and high self-esteem, which would make you less anxious and less powerless in interactions with him.

What do you think?

Dear humour,

the notion that anger is a useful signal came from Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, who often uses the Bible to explain psychological concepts. In his youtube video “Anger is a signal, not a solution“, he explains that it’s okay to feel anger, but that we should first examine it before we react. So feeling anger doesn’t mean acting aggressively, in ways that hurt others. Not at all.

I’d link the video here but tindybuddha doesn’t like links. But if you go to youtube and look for the title, you’ll find it. I highly recommend it because I think it relates to your situation.

As for the topic of purpose, I also believe that looking for purpose outside of ourselves, i.e. detached from our innermost being, as Joseph Campbell put it, will not lead us to happiness and fulfillment. But we need to be in touch with our “innermost being”, i.e. our true self. And for that, we need to know our values, our preferences and our boundaries too.