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  • #410476
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita & Tee

    Thank you both for your insightful response. It lightened my bulb about being Empathic. I should try to be more empathic than trying to not criticize. I put some TED videos on my watchlist to understand Empathy on deeper level. Also, I think it’d also be really helpful professionally too, Since I’m in Management position so I should be listening with empathy than criticize or judge.

    Tee said
    “And since there is not just an expectation, but also pressure that you put on her, that’s not really kind and caring. I think it’s closer to controlling”
    I agree with that because in the past I used to be kind of controlling person. And I’m still working on that

    Maybe you don’t like her complaining
    Yes, I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it.
    Although now I know what you mean is really emphasizing but mostly what I do is when I listen to complain I directly go for solutions

     I think the urge to change her
    Not really. I may have reacted like that, but I don’t have intention to change anyone. as I said before I just listened complains and went for solutions that’s why

    Anita said,

    it seems like I suggested to you that there is a connection between your present problems and your childhood,

    Yes. Because I was unsure and maybe I still am?
    The thing is that one side of my action-oriented brain like “okay, so you know now. What now? How to solve that?”
    (I think it may or may not be side effect of working at so “Fast paced start-up” I don’t like this word anymore because getting things done right away mentality)
    But another side of my brain knows that these things (Like CEN) take time to heal. Taking small steps and figuring things out (Example: today I knew that I have to work on my empathy skills)
    One part of my brain is very impatient, and one part is patience so that’s why I’m unsure and you feel I had a change of mind

     stop redirecting your criticism of your father to ===> your virtual girlfriend (and possible future real-life girlfriends). You know how it feels to be criticized… don’t do it to the woman in your life, or to your future children, in the name of being a “very caring person”, be it a very-caring-boyfriend/ husband, or a very-caring-father.

    Yes, you’re right thanks for point that out. That’s why I have to work on my empathy skills because I’m realizing just because I’m being hard on myself, I don’t have to be hard on others. I need to be more compassionate with others and myself.

    this is what criticism (the boldfaced) 
    Yes, I agree. I’m getting better at not listening to others criticism.
    And also, lately I’m talking to myself positively instead of directly attacking myself with criticism.

    Addy

    #410491
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Addy:

    I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it“- complaining about a problematic situation- which should be done within reason, not going on and on- is the beginning of doing something about it; this something is bringing up distress from under the surface to the surface. The distress needs to be brought up to the surface because the rational mind cannot solve problematic situations without being aware of the distress (if it exists) and understanding what the distress is really about.

    Mostly what I do is when I listen to (people) complain, I directly go for solutions“- before going for solutions, stop for a while and examine the distress: what is it really about?

    The thing is that one side of my action-oriented brain (is) like ‘okay, so you know now. What now? How to solve that?’…  But another side of my brain knows that these things (Like CEN) take time to heal. Taking small steps and figuring things out… One part of my brain is very impatient, and one part is patient, so that’s why I’m unsure“- if the impatient part of your brain says that there is no connection between one’s significant problematic childhood and one’s significant adult problems, it is an unwise part-brain that is hindering you when it comes to situations that do not have quick solutions.

    You wrote in the beginning of your post in regard to your professional life: “I’m in Management position“- in your professional life and in your personal life, you will need to manage the impulsive, impatient, stubborn, action-oriented, instant-solutions-hungry part of your brain and limit its contribution to situations that have quick solutions.

    I have to work on my empathy skills because I’m realizing just because I’m being hard on myself, I don’t have to be hard on others. I need to be more compassionate with others and myself…. And also, lately I’m talking to myself positively instead of directly attacking myself with criticism“- maybe Addy the boy wants to complain about his father being hard on him and attacking him with criticism. Maybe the impatient part of your brain needs to be managed (sent away on a vacation for a while) while the boy is given the precious opportunity to complain. He deserves this opportunity!

    anita

    #410517
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    How are you doing today?

    stop for a while and examine the distress: what is it really about?

    Hmm Right I’ll try that

    you will need to manage the impulsive, impatient, stubborn, action-oriented, instant-solutions-hungry part of your brain and limit its contribution to situations that have quick solutions.

    What are the good ways for managing that?

    maybe Addy the boy wants to complain about his father being hard on him and attacking him with criticism.

    To be honest. No. I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that

    #410520
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Addy:

    I am fine, thank you.

    On Nov 15, in your other thread, I suggested that you develop “a Loving Inner Father Entity (LIFE)  in your brain: a mental entity that loves you and is never angry at you… Gradually, replace the SIFE (Scolding Inner Father Entity) with LIFE“.

    You responded on the same day: “LIFE. I’ll work on that… how can I start? can you guide through the progress?

    I answered: “get a printed photo of yourself as a young child… If you choose to do this, let me know when you are done and  describe your chosen photo“.

    You responded the next day: “I find it amusing but I’m kind of agree with you as well. I’ll try do that“.

    I replied: “Okay, Addy. Let me know when you do that‘. Next: nothing from you on that thread, crickets.

    Five days later, on this thread, I suggested: “maybe Addy the boy wants to complain about his father being hard on him“- again, I tried to get your attention to what I think needs to  be done.. you can call it Inner Child Work.

    But you don’t want to, Addy. All I can do is suggest. You have the right to accept or reject my suggestions.

    anita

    #410522
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    Thank you both for your insightful response. It lightened my bulb about being Empathic. I should try to be more empathic than trying to not criticize… I need to be more compassionate with others and myself.

    you are very welcome. I am glad your light bulb went off about needing to have more empathy, not just for others but for yourself too.

    I don’t like when people complain and not doing anything about it.

    mostly what I do is when I listen to complain I directly go for solutions

    This kind of approach is called the unbalanced masculine: when someone complains about something, i.e. expresses pain or hurt, we immediately offer solutions, instead of simply saying “I am sorry, this must be hard for you.”

    Validating the person’s pain is the first step to empathy. In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.

    I don’t want complaint about him [your father] or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

    Constant complaining is not a good habit, and I understand if you don’t like it. However, expressing pain, hurt, sadness… isn’t necessarily bad. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we complain if we express our pain. In fact, expressing our emotions and naming them is the first step towards healing.

    It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

    Empathy is the opposite of that: admitting the pain, sitting with it, not judging ourselves for it, just witnessing it and having compassion for ourselves for having experienced such pain.

    What do you say?

     

    #410569
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    But you don’t want to, Addy. All I can do is suggest
    I think we have little bit of misunderstanding here. Because on another thread I haven’t updated you.
    I’m working on my Inner Child Work and also as you told me like a photo. and I’m also asking questions to myself like what my inner child needs now?

    #410570
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Validating the person’s pain is the first step to empathy.
    I understood this

    In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.
    But I couldn’t understand this. What if we didn’t have the similar pain or experience?

    It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

    Hmm This is something I have to think about and ask questions to myself

    Empathy is the opposite of that: admitting the pain, sitting with it, not judging ourselves for it, just witnessing it and having compassion for ourselves for having experienced such pain.

    Yes I think you explained it well.

     

    #410571
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    So describing the photo

    I don’t have many childhood pics so I didn’t had many options 😆

    But luckily the ones I have are good ones.

    The photo I chose is me wearing green t-shirt white stripped with big (not too big) smile

    My mum still tells me I have brightest smile.

    That time I had dimples too. Not now (sucks)

    And innocent looks with drape haircut haha

    #410573
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    [Tee] In fact, there is a step before that: In order to validate another person’s pain, we need to first be in touch with our own pain and validate our pain. We can’t be empathetic with others unless we feel empathy for ourselves first.

    [Addy] But I couldn’t understand this. What if we didn’t have the similar pain or experience?

    Hm, I think that we don’t actually have to have a similar type of experience (a similar wounding) to understand someone else’s pain. My pain can come from e.g. being criticized, and someone else’s pain can come from being neglected – from their parent not paying attention to them. But the inner feeling of pain is similar: feeling unloved, uncared for, unsupported…

    Maybe it can be compared to physical pain: I can empathize with someone who has broken their leg, even tough I myself have never broken a limb. But I can imagine how hard it is for them, and I have experienced other types of physical pain, so I can relate.

    I don’t know if this explains it?

     

    #410580
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Addy:

    Addy, Nov 23: “The photo I chose is me wearing green t-shirt white stripped with big (not too big) smile. My mum still tells me I have brightest smile. That time I had dimples too. Not now (sucks). And innocent looks with drape haircut haha”-

    Nov 21, I suggested to you: “maybe Addy the boy wants to complain about his father being hard on him and attacking him with criticism“, and Addy the boy, who still wears a smile, still has the brightest smile on his face, answered: “To be honest. No. I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that“-

    -Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

    The first smiley face emoji in your posts was on your 2nd post, Sept 23, 2022, another on your 3rd post Sept 29, another on your 4th post, following “Have a Funtastic day” (this one is a bigger smile, more like a laugh), another on the 5th post- these in your first thread. In this 2nd thread, your first smiley face emoji appears on Oct 3, following these words: “<b>It’s easy for me to be happy. E.g. I look up at the sky and oh there’s the big blue sky and green trees… Yay I’m happy</b>”.

    Smiley Happy Addy.

    Oct 8, you asked me: “How are you doing? Good plans for the weekend? Things that you love during your weekends?“- very straightforward, very friendly, very outgoing, very smiley.

    Oct 16, Addy (age 26): “I haven’t approached a girl first…(not)  Even Once.“. anita: “it will take courage on your part to carry on an rl relationship for the first time in a very long time (4 years, approximately?), and to approach a woman first, for the first time in your life“. Addy: “Yeah more than 4 years actually, Also today on IG I found that my attachment Style is <b>Fearful-avoidant attachment style.. Low self-esteem, shunning emotional closeness or intimacy</b>”-

    -outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness.

    Oct 29, Addy: “I don’t like the criticism of my father, so I simply don’t focus on it and my focus on my things because I know he isn’t right.. I’m trying to be very rational and not just dwell in what everyone’s opinions about me. Because only I know What I’m capable of and What I’ve been through I decide my limits, not other people“- underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

    Nov 16, Addy: “Today I was thinking about my relationship patterns… Start with me giving good attention, I feel so much attracted… after that when they finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel like I don’t know how to explain but like trapped?… so after that I just try to avoid the deep feelings“- when the long-distance girlfriends whom you never met in person get closer to you, you get scared, fearful that they will see the Addy underneath the smile.

    I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled.. filled with all that you are.

    anita

     

    #410581
    anita
    Participant

    Reposting:

    Dear Addy:

    Addy, Nov 23: “The photo I chose is me wearing green t-shirt white stripped with big (not too big) smileMy mum still tells me I have brightest smile. That time I had dimples too. Not now (sucks). And innocent looks with drape haircut haha”-

    Nov 21, I suggested to you: “maybe Addy the boy wants to complain about his father being hard on him and attacking him with criticism“, and Addy the boy, who still wears a smile, still has the brightest smile on his face, answered: “To be honest. No. I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that“-

    -Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

    The first smiley face emoji in your posts was on your 2nd post, Sept 23, 2022, another on your 3rd post Sept 29, another on your 4th post, following “Have a Funtastic day” (this one is a bigger smile, more like a laugh), another on the 5th post- these in your first thread. In this 2nd thread, your first smiley face emoji appears on Oct 3, following these words: “It’s easy for me to be happy. E.g. I look up at the sky and oh there’s the big blue sky and green trees… Yay I’m happy”.

    Smiley Happy Addy.

    Oct 8, you asked me: “How are you doing? Good plans for the weekend? Things that you love during your weekends?“- very straightforward, very friendly, very outgoing, very smiley.

    Oct 16, Addy (age 26): “I haven’t approached a girl first…(not)  Even Once.“. anita: “it will take courage on your part to carry on an rl relationship for the first time in a very long time (4 years, approximately?), and to approach a woman first, for the first time in your life“. Addy: “Yeah more than 4 years actually, Also today on IG I found that my attachment Style is Fearful-avoidant attachment style.. Low self-esteem, shunning emotional closeness or intimacy”-

    -outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness.

    Oct 29, Addy: “I don’t like the criticism of my father, so I simply don’t focus on it and my focus on my things because I know he isn’t right.. I’m trying to be very rational and not just dwell in what everyone’s opinions about me. Because only I know What I’m capable of and What I’ve been through I decide my limits, not other people“- underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

    Nov 16, Addy: “Today I was thinking about my relationship patterns… Start with me giving good attention, I feel so much attracted… after that when they finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel like I don’t know how to explain but like trapped?… so after that I just try to avoid the deep feelings“- when the long-distance girlfriends whom you never met in person get closer to you, you get scared, fearful that they will see the Addy underneath the smile.

    I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled.. filled with all that you are.

    anita

    #410642
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I can empathize with someone who has broken their leg, even tough I myself have never broken a limb. But I can imagine how hard it is for them, and I have experienced other types of physical pain, so I can relate.

    I don’t know if this explains it?

    Yes, it explains it well actually, thanks for the good example.
    Just today I’ve tried to empathize my friend, but the thing was that her stupidity made me little grumpy so.. Like who reads negative news (Murder and etc) super early in the morning and then be like “It felt like a nightmare”?

    And for work I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague ” like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do” but after that I felt like I did hurt her in some way.
    I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me
    Do you have to deal with people like them?

     

    #410643
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Addy the boy, with the brightest smile on his face, definitely and with no uncertain terms- will not complain! He will not turn that smile into a frown!

     

    Okay so thing about this is that only the people I really care and trust are able to know when that smile turns into a frown. And sometimes not even them like sometimes I think I don’t want my mom to worry about this so I simply don’t share that thing with her

    outside our online communication, outside the typing of words and smiley faces, and underneath the Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy- there is a fearful Addy, an Avoidant Addy, an Addy who shuns emotional closeness

    I’m also Friendly-Outgoing-Happy-Addy in offline world as well. Because I know how to light up the environment around me. Or at least sometimes.
    But it’s also true that I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why… Because maybe I don’t trust that easily so I just don’t get attached that much easily or idk if it’s something else

    underneath the confident, rational, sensible Addy there is… a not so rational Addy, a fearful Addy.

    So I have to ask myself like what is it that I’m fearing?

    I would like to welcome the Addy underneath the smile into this thread. The rational, brightest-smile, very friendly, confident, outgoing Addy needs the fearful Addy boy because without this precious, fearful boy… you are trapped in a vacuum that needs to be filled… filled with all that you are.

    Also what Tee Said 
    It seems to me, Addy, that the reason you don’t like listening to people “complaining” (i.e. sharing about something that bothers them) is that their pain reminds you of your pain, and you don’t want to get in touch with that pain (the pain you’ve experienced as a child and youth being heavily criticized by your father). You want to quickly jump to solutions, without “sitting” with that pain, without even admitting it’s there.

    So, I thought about both of these things, but nothing is comping up from inside, I just don’t know how to be expressive and explain it. Maybe I buried something so deep for so long that I don’t even remember but it’s still there and I don’t know how to work on that

     

    #410644
    Addy
    Participant

    Also another thing I want to mention is that I did mention that I don’t like people complaining. But still there quite a few people who told me I’m sensitive and good listener.
    So it just their point of view or it’s my interest level with people?

    #410650
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Addy:

    Just today I’ve tried to empathize my friend, but the thing was that her stupidity made me little grumpy“- your effort to empathize with her drastically failed when you judged her to be stupid.

    And for work I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague, ‘like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do’“- you were indirectly but clearly rude to this poor colleague of yours. I feel sorry for her and for any other work colleague unfortunate enough to receive your abuse.

    But after that I felt like I did hurt her in some way. I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me“- angry and judgmental Addy Attacks people.

    I know how to light up the environment around me. Or at least sometimes“- sadly, at other times, you darken the environment around you.

    I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me… it’s also true that I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why… I have to ask myself like what is it that I’m fearing?…  I thought about both of these things, but nothing is comping up from inside“- in our long communication I suggested reasons and explanations.. but none was considered by you, none received, and you remain clueless. I highly recommend that you seek quality, professional therapy. I hope that you get to the root of your anger, resolve it, and no longer reflexively attack people at work and elsewhere.

    anita

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