Menu

Feels like Time is passing too fast

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryFeels like Time is passing too fast

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 114 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #410657
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    you’re welcome, I am glad you liked the example.

    Just today I’ve tried to empathize my friend, but the thing was that her stupidity made me little grumpy so.. Like who reads negative news (Murder and etc) super early in the morning and then be like “It felt like a nightmare”?

    As anita said, when you see someone as stupid, it prevents you to empathize with them. OK, maybe you don’t see her as stupid, but you thought her behavior is stupid (to read the news first thing in the morning). But even so, an empathic response would have been something like “Oh that’s terrible” (reacting to the news of some murder). And then proceed with a suggestion “you know, that’s why I never read news so early in the morning – sometimes they are so horrible they spoil my entire day. I prefer to start with xyz…” (here you describe what helps you start your day in a positive, uplifting way).

    So you empathize with her feeling of distress, and then you suggest something which might help her in the future. But you don’t push your opinion on her (specially since she didn’t ask for your advice), and you don’t treat her as inferior to you. If you do that, you won’t sound grumpy or condescending…

    And for work I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague ” like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do” but after that I felt like I did hurt her in some way.

    Yes, that was rather cynical. Was it your subordinate to whom you said that? Was she supposed to complete a task and failed to do that, and this was your way of scolding/criticizing her?

    I don’t know why attacking like that is a reflex for me

    Being cynical and sarcastic is a defense mechanism. I think it happens when our heart is closed (guarded), and so we’re not able to empathize with others. A lot of people use it in communication on social media, specially when they argue with people with differing opinions, because it seems cool. When you use sarcasm, you’re not vulnerable. It’s like a shield. But when you use sarcasm with people with whom you want to have a close, friendly relationship, that’s a problem. Because we don’t want to throw poisonous darts at them. Rather, we won’t honest and open communication…

    If you use sarcasm automatically, like a reflex, it could be because you were attacked a lot in your childhood, and you learned to close your heart and pretend it doesn’t hurt. And then you use poisonous darts to defeat the “enemy”. Maybe it’s like you’re saying “you can’t hurt me, I’ll rather hurt you“.

    Maybe I buried something so deep for so long that I don’t even remember but it’s still there and I don’t know how to work on that

    It could be that you built a shield around your heart, so you can’t be hurt again? And this shield goes up automatically, whenever you feel a certain friction or disagreement with anybody? And you start throwing those “darts” at them?

    #410709
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    an empathic response would have been something like “Oh that’s terrible” (reacting to the news of some murder). And then proceed with a suggestion “you know, that’s why I never read news so early in the morning – sometimes they are so horrible they spoil my entire day. I prefer to start with xyz…” (here you describe what helps you start your day in a positive, uplifting way).

    So you empathize with her feeling of distress, and then you suggest something which might help her in the future. But you don’t push your opinion on her (specially since she didn’t ask for your advice), and you don’t treat her as inferior to you. If you do that, you won’t sound grumpy or condescending…

    That’s extremely helpful thanks for explaining that with good example

    it could be because you were attacked a lot in your childhood, and you learned to close your heart and pretend it doesn’t hurt. And then you use poisonous darts to defeat the “enemy”. Maybe it’s like you’re saying “you can’t hurt me, I’ll rather hurt you“.

     

    That’s also true yes. I think that’s why there are wounds that’s still there and also the shield so it’s me who’s not letting it heal I guess…

     

    Yes, that was rather cynical. Was it your subordinate to whom you said that? Was she supposed to complete a task and failed to do that, and this was your way of scolding/criticizing her?

     

    Yes she’s my subordinate. She’s supposed to complete the task and even today she didn’t. 4 days late. By saying that I was trying to remind her that better that you finish your task so I don’t have to tell you in direct way which you could take even harsh.

    So, most of from what you said I think maybe yeah there’s a shield. I can’t deny that. I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism time to time. But I think I have to protect my heart in one way or another don’t you think so?
    And sarcasm is like a whole new language nowadays, so If I’m always saying sincerely what I’m thinking people would think I’m really serious person. and I don’t understand sarcasm.

    Now I started to think I do have the issue of expressing my emotions or share it openly

    #410710
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    you were indirectly but clearly rude to this poor colleague of yours. I feel sorry for her and for any other work colleague unfortunate enough to receive your abuse.

    Abuse? There’s no such thing as timely responsibility? And I just tried to tell her in sarcastic way to remind her that task is due. I adore my teammates I can’t even think about abusing them.
    Abuse would be if I told her “Hey That task is due, it’s been 3 days, It’s better be done by end of the day” in front of everyone.

    in our long communication I suggested reasons and explanations.. but none was considered by you, none received, and you remain clueless. I highly recommend that you seek quality, professional therapy. I hope that you get to the root of your anger, resolve it, and no longer reflexively attack people at work and elsewhere.

    There may have been some misunderstanding. But okay I’ll re-read our thread and try to understand and reflect on things again. I think I’m lot better with my anger issues than before but yeah still working…
    Thanks a lot for all your support 🙂

    #410713
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Addy:

    You are welcome. We have a difference of understanding when it comes to abuse. Yesterday, you wrote: “I had to speak in Indirect way to one of the colleague ‘like yeah it’s not like I told you to do it 3 days before. Obviously, you have other important stuff to do“. Today, you wrote: “Abuse would be if I told her ‘Hey That task is due, it’s been 3 days, It’s better be done by end of the day‘ in front of everyone-

    I think that the former is indirect and abusive and the latter (if said in a respectful tone, and replacing “it’s better be done” with I need it to be done) said in front of everyone, is direct and just the right thing to say in that context.

    It’s possible that she did not complete the task yet because she is … indirectly punishing you for being indirect and abusive to her.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, like it is not abusive to talk to her the way you did.. but it is. Call it a small abuse, compared to greater abuses, but it’s abuse nonetheless and it is not beneficial to the productivity of the company (she didn’t yet complete the task). Plus, it doesn’t make you look like a strong manager because your subordinate … didn’t complete the task yet.

    anita

     

    #410732
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    but it’s abuse nonetheless and it is not beneficial to the productivity of the company (she didn’t yet complete the task). Plus, it doesn’t make you look like a strong manager because your subordinate … didn’t complete the task yet.

    Okay so what would you do if you’d be at my place as someone who’s managing the team?

    #410733
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Addy: Like I said, I’d tell her (in a strong, confident;  yet respectful, non-threatening voice): I need this task to be done by the end of today, see me at my office at 5 pm.

    anita

     

    #410736
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Anita:
    Okay thanks next time I’ll try that. I want to be a good leader so feedback like this would definitely help me.

    #410737
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Addy.

    anita

     

    #410746
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    Your work colleague is obviously struggling either with that particular task or something else is putting pressure on her and this is effecting her ability to perform her job in a competent & timely manner. Also when you initially asked her to do this task did you give her a completion deadline and did you also say it was okay to prioritize this task over her other jobs?

    Regards Roberta

    #410757
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    you’re very welcome.

    That’s also true yes. I think that’s why there are wounds that’s still there and also the shield so it’s me who’s not letting it heal I guess… So, most of from what you said I think maybe yeah there’s a shield. I can’t deny that.

    Yes, and this shield is rather common, it belongs to the part of ourselves which is called the Protector. According to the Internal Family Systems, we have various parts of our personality. One of them is our wounded inner child, which is very fragile and needy. And then there’s Protector part, who is guarding the wounded inner child.

    It seems that your Protector part says “you can’t hurt me”. Probably that’s the decision you made (unconsciously) as a result of ongoing verbal abuse by your father, in your childhood. You didn’t want to admit to neither of your parents that you’re hurt.

    I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)

    And to your mother, maybe you didn’t want to admit that you were hurt because she kind of expected you to be strong and take your father’s abuse silently (“She didn’t wanted this matter to grow and fight more so she just told me be silent and she’ll talk with my father and try to make him understand.”) She promised you she’d talk to your father, but even if she did, it didn’t help much, has it, since your father continued to yell at you?

    So in effect, your mother didn’t protect you from your father, even though she promised she would. But you probably felt obliged not to show your distress and hurt – to stay strong and silent – because she asked you to, maybe even pleaded with you? And you love your mother a lot, and don’t want to see her distressed, so you obeyed.

    Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

    In fact, this attitude of yours:

    I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

    …. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

    I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism time to time. But I think I have to protect my heart in one way or another don’t you think so?

    It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 🙂

     

    #410839
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Roberta.
    She finished her task yesterday.
    But before that I did ask if she’s able to do it within the deadline, She said yes,  yet still I had to give her reminder the way I did, I know now it wasn’t the right way

    #410840
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Tee,
    How’s your weekend going?

    Buckle up because this is going to be a long one 😆

    I guess you didn’t want to admit it to your father out of spite, because you didn’t want him to see you as weak and needy. Maybe another reason is that he didn’t approve of “weak” boys (maybe he sent you the message that “boys don’t cry”?)…….

    The thing was that he was mostly indirectly comparing. Like He’s stronger/intelligent than you. (That’s how lot of village parents are) kind of competitive with kids… They be like my kid did this, My kid did that.. etc.. it’s just how it goes here even in small town areas… All just want to protect their own ego by using kids. It’s sad but yeah…

    So I already knew no matter what I do someone would do something better and there’s just no end of that. So I decided like I’m out of the competition I don’t care what my father says anymore.
    I don’t need his approval. But when I stopped looking for his approval after few years when I started things by myself and doing well without his help he’s more supportive with me. Even though in my tough times my parents were supportive with me when I wasn’t be able to find a job. But the thing is they’re still comparing they see me better because some other kids in village in bad line of work and now he’s like we’re happy, You took your time but at least you’re not doing anything wrong. But there’s also a thing about it. I definitely learned honesty from my parents. (Me and my parents talked about that on call for more than hour)
    So yeah… Things are complex to explain

    Even to this day, you don’t want her to see you in a bad mood. You put a big smile whenever you talk to her and pretend that all is well, don’t you? And your mother likes it when you wear that signature smile of yours, “the brightest smile”.

    In fact, this attitude of yours:

    I don’t want complaint about him or as a matter of fact complain about anything. I just don’t see any value in doing that.

    …. seems to me like a direct consequence of your mother’s expectation/plea to stay silent and not to complain about your father’s abuse. There was no point in complaining because you didn’t want to upset her. Was that the reason you left home at the age of 16  – so you wouldn’t need to take your father’s abuse silently any more?

     

    Hmm it’s not that my mother likes it when I hide, But there’s a motherly thing you know, Like if I’m sad and I just act like I’m good she just knows.. Even on the phone. So also sometimes she pretends that she doesn’t know that I know because she knows I don’t like her seeing worried. But still tells me it’ll be alright.

    Now about my father.. I don’t think she wanted stop complaining and blah blah blah.. One thing I learned from my mother is always try to look the side where you’re able to do positive action without conflict. (Because of the Family) And as I said before here people just respect their father more so the wife their husbands, And she just didn’t wanted to make things worse between us. There was a time when I was talking rarely to my father (On the phone – Because It’s been years I’m living by myself) So she would just call me a tell me to talk to my father. Because my father had his own ego he’d be telling my mom that he misses me but he wouldn’t directly call me.
    So my mom to me is like “one of you have be the understanding one, Now you decide”
    She’s just trying our family to hold together,
    And I have to respect the woman who put all things aside in her life just for a family.

    It’s a false way to protect your heart, which results in you being insincere and cynical. A better way would be to say something like “What you just said hurt me. Please don’t use that tone with me in the future.” So you express your vulnerability, but also your willingness to protect yourself and to set boundaries so people can’t hurt you so easily. Perhaps it can be called the way of a gentle warrior… 

    Hmm.. Not an easy thing to do.. But I can try and I can start by setting the boundaries which I never did before. So I’ll have to look into boundaries topic and be a Gentle warrior 😀
    You can tell me more about it if you want

    #410850
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    Well, it’s not the best weekend for me because I tested positive for covid today, and am having a pretty massive headache. But it’s a little better now than a few hours ago, and thankfully, I am able to reply 🙂

    Let me be frank: it seems to me that you’re in a bit of a Protector mode again, since you’re now trying to diminish the bad that happened in your childhood (your father harshly criticizing you for even small “imperfections”, getting furious and yelling at you, easily losing patience with you). Here is what you said earlier about it:

    My father is a civil engineer and perfectionist and he gets angry if things aren’t going as he wants it to be. And in my teenage I used to help him even though I didn’t really wanted it but in my head I was like no let me help.. But whenever I do something wrong, or get anxious to find tool or take some more time to find.. He’d get furious and scold me

    Once while working he told me find something and I couldn’t find it and he give me like a “dead eye” and I got really frustrated and I screamed at him and ran into my room and like “I ain’t no living here no more” but my mom stopped me tried so solve this matter.

    What you’re mentioning now (in your latest post) is only that he was comparing you to other boys in your village, and that all parents were doing that. But that’s not the only thing he was doing, was he? It was his anger and rage at you that was truly damaging to your psyche, and then in addition, there was comparison and criticism if you haven’t performed as well as others. This kind of treatment for sure left a mark on you, even if you claim it hasn’t.

    Anita already talked about it (not sure if on this thread or elsewhere) that in childhood our psyche is like a sponge and soaks in both the good and the bad conditioning. That’s why the first 7 years of our life are called formative years. So even if you think that some things that happened to you weren’t a big deal – from an adult’s perspective – they were a pretty big deal for you as a child. And it left a mark on you, your self-confidence, your relationships etc.

    So please Addy, don’t try to minimize what happened to you. Your father unfortunately wasn’t a loving and kind father, but a strict, judgmental and angry father. Perhaps he was sometimes nice to you, but only on those occasions when you did everything “perfectly”. Otherwise he wasn’t pleasant at all, as it seems to me.

    You are also finding excuses for your mother. But she did tell you to stay silent and not confront your father, hasn’t she? When he criticized you, when he was extremely harsh with you, you were supposed to endure it silently and “turn the other cheek”. Because in your culture, the father needs to be respected, even if he is a bully.

    Your mother didn’t want conflict indeed, but on what terms? Well, the terms were that you suppress your protest and your justified anger (and your natural self-defense mechanism), and keep silent. This is how you’ve learned not to set boundaries, to never say directly and openly if something bothers you. To never complain. To not act in your best interest (because sometimes it is in our interest to protect ourselves). Your mother taught you that.

    She pleaded at your reason, telling you that you should be more mature than your father:

    My mom to me is like “one of you have be the understanding one, Now you decide”

    She presented it (enduring abuse) as a virtue. And you obeyed. You decided to be the “understanding one”, who will take the abuse silently. And so you accepted – due to your mother’s programming – that you cannot protect yourself from your father’s anger, that he has the right to disrespect you whenever he pleases, and you should just swallow it. This is how she disabled you from setting healthy boundaries.

    I am not saying that you should be angry at either your father or mother, and go to attack them and tell them all your grievances. No, that’s not what I am saying. But what I am saying is that you need to first accept that certain abuse and false, harmful conditioning happened in your childhood. Even if your parents didn’t know better – even if they didn’t do anything outside of your culture – still, they have harmed you. Their parenting left a mark on you, left certain wounds in your psyche, which you need to heal. If you want to have a happy and fulfilling life.

    Admitting that the damage happened – even if your parents didn’t do it on purpose – is the first step to healing.

     

    #410889
    Addy
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. covid is still there? Well, I hope you’ll be better. Are you trying lemon-ginger tea though? When I tested covid positive around a year ago
    Drinking Warm Water instead of normal tap water and having lemon ginger tea at least 3 times a day helped me a lot

    I am not saying that you should be angry at either your father or mother, and go to attack them and tell them all your grievances. No, that’s not what I am saying. But what I am saying is that you need to first accept that certain abuse and false, harmful conditioning happened in your childhood. Even if your parents didn’t know better – even if they didn’t do anything outside of your culture – still, they have harmed you. Their parenting left a mark on you, left certain wounds in your psyche, which you need to heal. If you want to have a happy and fulfilling life.

    Admitting that the damage happened – even if your parents didn’t do it on purpose – is the first step to healing.

     

    *Sighs* Well yeah I already accepted that I didn’t had the best childhood emotional needs…
    And I’m not angry at my parents at all
    But I said those things because It’s better NOW
    But you’re right damage is already done in the childhood and that I have to focus and heal

    Starting of this thread Anita told me this,

    like lot of people my parents didn’t knew my emotional needs and they did what they thought is right for me. They just wanted to protect me“-

    – unfortunately, consequences don’t care about reasons and intents: a child gets hurt in certain ways because of parents’ behaviors regardless of the parents’ intent or  ignorance vs. knowledge/ education. Think of it this way, if you will: when you drop a piece of glass to the floor, it breaks regardless of your intent (dropping the glass on purpose or by accident), and regardless of your ignorance vs knowledge/ education (knowing or not that this particular glass will break if dropped to the floor)

     

    And that’s true. Because without accepting, I can’t start my healing journey

    #410891
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Addy,

    yeah unfortunately covid is still around, and even if it’s omicron and I’ve been vaccinated 3 times, it’s not too easy on me. Thank you for the advice – I’ll try the ginger tea with honey and lemon…

    It’s good you’re realizing that some inner child work is necessary too, and that you can’t only focus on the future without addressing the past.

    Today I was thinking about a question you posed earlier – why it is that you’re afraid of emotional intimacy and feel trapped in relationships:

    I shun emotional closeness and I’m not sure why…

    Now I started to think I do have the issue of expressing my emotions or share it openly

    When they [a girl that you like] finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel like I don’t know how to explain but like trapped?

    Well, I think it’s because you were taught not to show your feelings (your “bad” feelings, such as anger and hurt and sadness). You were taught to always show a happy face and never complain. And you probably believe that this is how it should be in romantic relationships too.

    If you believe that you cannot be honest with the other person, that you need to pretend to be perfect (perfectly happy and capable and optimistic and driven) – then no wonder you’ll feel trapped.

    So it seems to me that you believe – due to your childhood conditioning – that you need to fake it in relationships, and you don’t want that. You’d rather be alone.

    Anyway, that’s my best guess…

    What do you think?

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 114 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.