Dear Dee,

Despite having some deep childhood wounds which I am aware of, I know I have a lot of people who love and care about me.

That’s wonderful!

However, it seems to me that there was a particular person (or more of them?) who didn’t love you and didn’t care enough for you in your childhood? More specifically, they didn’t want to get to know you. I say this because you mentioned several times the pain of your work colleagues not putting an effort to get to know you:

They barely ask me anything personal like how was my weekend or birthday and I feel like no one has put in effort to really get to know me or care.

I want to feel connected in a team and know I’m part of a work family.

And then I blame myself for being upset that they don’t like me because I’m not showing them who I really am.

How I do let go of all this fear and constant craving of external validation? Especially from co-workers who don’t truly know me?

My guess is that you are re-experiencing the pain of rejection, or perceived rejection, by a particular person or persons in your childhood. You would like to be liked and accepted by your work colleagues and be a part of a work family. But your colleagues don’t seem to accept you into their family… in your eyes, they don’t even want to get to know you. As a result, you feel rejected and you freeze (I am extremely reserved at work and almost get social anxiety), not being able to act spontaneously and “not showing them who I really am“.

Does this sound plausible to you?

Dear Emma,

you are welcome. I am really glad that you aren’t putting all the blame on yourself. Also that you realize that “he is standing in his own way” – if he continues to reject therapy. I hope he will accept it, although I must say, his conviction that therapy won’t help him isn’t very encouraging.

I am not going to push too hard because I know he will get resistant and think I am just trying to put the blame back onto him again, which isn’t what I’m trying to do.

I understand that you don’t want to pressure him or demand anything at the moment, but rather work on yourself and “keep my eyes open to the injustices and unfairness around me, listen to him and support him in whatever way I can.” In other words, you want to work on developing more empathy, on becoming more attuned to him and his emotional needs, which you haven’t been so far.

And I just have to hope that the future holds something better than this.

Well, the future can only be better if he too decides to change, to work on his trauma and heal. If only you change, I am afraid it will be a little like you becoming a “perfect mother” to him – someone who will care for him and protect him from the evil world. That’s because if he refuses to work on his trauma, he will remain identified with his wounded inner child, and he will need a mother, not a wife. So please be aware of that as you proceed.

At the same time, maybe he will be more willing to work on his trauma once he feels that he’s got your support and that he isn’t alone with his pain. So you changing might have a positive effect on him, that will encourage him to seek help.

I am rooting for both of you and the success of your relationship!

Dear Emma,

Before, he was very resistant to admitting that he had unresolved trauma, but he does now. However he firmly believes that he is so damaged that nobody can help him. He believes that any sort of therapy will likely make things worse, and I can see from reading other men’s experiences of therapy that it can happen. Therapists are predominantly female and for men that have suffered at the hands of women, therapy can be an unforgiving and unhelpful place.

This is just an excuse he is giving you. As Helcat said, there are many male therapists out there, also among those specialized in trauma work. In fact, among the famous trauma therapists, two of them – Bessel van der Kolk and Peter Levine – are men! Claiming that nobody can help him and that therapy will make things worse is nothing but avoidance (and avoidance, as Helcat said, is the modus operandi of people suffering from PTSD).

He wants me to face the consequences of my actions, to be accountable and understand what damage my actions can cause to other people, whether I intend them to or not. This is a difficult lesson to learn but I accept it is an important one.

He wants to you face the consequences of your actions – i.e. to admit that it is you who are causing him pain. At the same time, he is refusing to take responsibility for the pain that his trauma is causing him. It is NOT primarily you who is hurting him, but it is his trauma, which he refuses to address. You are accepting this distorted view of the situation – that it is only you who should change and completely adapt to him, whereas he doesn’t have to do anything on his end.

You are taking 100% responsibility for something that is maybe 20% your responsibility, if that. You are accepting his view and his perception of the problem – where he is free from responsibility and it is only you who is to blame, and only you who should change.

Can you see that?

You might have made mistakes in the relationship, and I believe you when you say that you have issues with showing emotions, and even with showing empathy. But even if you had been the most understanding spouse, always tip-toeing around him and trying not to upset him – he still wouldn’t be happy, because unresolved trauma renders the person unable to be happy. He would still be troubled, angry and upset, even if you had been an angel around him.

I understand your desire to change and become more empathetic, but please don’t accept his view of the situation and his request: that it is JUST you who needs to change, but not him.

The fact that you are so easily blaming yourself and exculpating him tells me that you may have issues with self-love, and that maybe you were blamed as a child too for something that wasn’t your fault? You said:

My childhood was not particularly happy and I had a poor relationship with my stepdad and my mum (I think mostly on my part).

“I think mostly on my part” – are you saying that the relationship with your mother and step-father was bad, mostly because of you? Because you reacted badly towards them, but they didn’t react badly towards you?

If so, it would be similar to how you currently see problems with your husband: that it is only your fault and your responsibility, and none of his.

Dear Emma,

I agree with Helcat that your husband needs professional help. When at the beginning of your relationship he had a bout of depression, left his job and “spent days at home sitting in the dark, spent hours at night talking and crying”, your reaction was very appropriate – you suggested he should seek professional help. But he refused. Instead, he started burdening you with his deep emotional problems, problems too big for you to resolve. He even called you at work once, threatening to hurt himself, so you needed to rush back home.

He put the blame on you for not respecting his triggers, i.e. not adapting your behavior so not to provoke his trauma – when in reality, a person with PTSD has so many triggers that it’s impossible to avoid them. As you yourself experienced, his triggers became more frequent over time (The episodes of depression started to happen more frequently. It started off about once a year, then it was twice a year. He would get angry about seemingly minor things, like something on the news or something trivial on the TV.), and eventually, he was unhappy and upset about everything.

Your only mistake is that you didn’t demand that he sees a therapist. Instead, you ignored it (I just started tuning it out and not listening), which probably triggered him even more.

It’s good that you are aware of your own limitations:

I was not willing to start what would be a difficult conversation. I don’t feel comfortable talking about emotions and I have come to realise that I have a lot to do in this area to develop emotionally.

Nevertheless, it is NOT your duty to tip-toe around his triggers. He needs to seek help, if he wants to have a semblance of a healthy relationship.

He still doesn’t feel in a place to make a decision about whether he can be with me, which I have found difficult. He has very black and white views on things, and I have put myself into the black category.

No, dear Emma, HE has put you into the black category. You don’t belong there. You did make mistakes in the relationship, but the biggest problem is his refusal to seek therapy and then blaming you for triggering him. He is his biggest enemy, not you.

He cannot believe anything I say and even though I have made great efforts to educate myself and try to change, I have so much against me.

You do indeed. What you have against you is his stubbornness and his refusal to seek help (and take responsibility for his healing, instead of blaming you).

I am really trying to see things from his perspective, but I can’t silence the voice in my head that says he’s being unfair and I’m just not this horrible, bad person he thinks I am.

You are right. Don’t silence this voice, because you’re not this horrible person that his traumatized self is accusing you of!

However, when I look objectively at the things I have done, it could be seen as abusive, and that really upsets me.

Well, you did make some mistakes, e.g. ignoring his problems instead of urging him to seek help. Tuning out instead of telling him, with empathy, that you cannot live with him if he continues to blame you instead of seek help. But you haven’t been abusive to him, that’s for sure. The real abuse happened earlier in his life and he has been suffering the consequences since.

Dear Neera,

glad to hear from you again! I am sorry you’re going through these bitter arguments with your mother, and that you are forced to stay at your parent’s place for an entire month. I’ll try to give you my perspective on what is going on and how you might be able to get out of it…

Growing up, my mom was my idol, and my best friend.

I always had pressure to be this “perfect” daughter and overtime I beat myself over it if I do not live to those certain standards.

most my childhood my decisions were based around their prefereces. The older I have got and tried to make boundaries, the more resistance they (mom especially) became.

So, as a child you loved your mother a lot, she was your idol and you wanted to please her. You did everything in your power to make her happy. Perhaps that was the time when your parents fought a lot, and since you mentioned domestic abuse – does it mean your father was hitting your mother? Perhaps you saw your mother as a victim and this made you even more willing to please her and not to upset her?

When you got a little older, in your teens, and tried to assert your own will, your mother would get very angry with you. She would swear and yell at you. It didn’t help if you asked her to talk more calmly and not use swear words. The way you described her reaction, it seems like rage. Each time you bring up the slightest disagreement or critique of her, she gets enraged. And then afterwards she gives you silent treatment.

That too is emotional manipulation – she practically shuts you down and you are “disarmed”, probably feeling guilty that you have “upset” your mother so much. The problem, the way I see it, is that with your overt or covert critique, you are trying to make her see how unfair she was during your childhood, how she was manipulating you, controlling you, and eventually emotionally manipulated you into staying at home instead of going to the university. You are always bringing up the same topic with her – comparing yourself and your sister – because you want her to finally admit that she wronged you. And you are still angry with her.

You have all the reasons to feel angry and wronged – because indeed, you were, no doubt. Where you are making a mistake is to hope that she will admit that she wronged you. I think it’s safe to say that you’ll never hear that from your mother. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to hear the slightest critique. She immediately goes on the offensive, going into a fit of rage, or giving you silent treatment. It’s a way to shut you up.

The only healthy and constructive way to process your anger (which is justified, mind you!) is in therapy. Once you process it, you won’t need a “confession” from her, and you’ll be able to let her off the hook – i.e. minimize contact. You won’t need to visit once or twice per week, but you’ll be fine with meeting your sister elsewhere, e.g. at your place, once it’s finished.

So the key, in my opinion, is to stop expecting anything from your mother, and process your anger and hurt in therapy. How does that sound to you?

Dear W,

I think your feelings (of being hurt and foolish) show that you aren’t clear what exactly you want from this woman. On one hand, you rejected her advances multiple times: first time 3 years ago, and then again 1 year ago, when you two started working together. You said you weren’t ready for a relationship. In spite of that, you spend a lot of time together and your colleagues suspect you two are dating. But in fact, nothing physical ever happened.

We keep getting closer… It’s kind of a weird relationship where we have discussed if we would date other people and we each have stated that neither one of us is looking for anyone else.

It seems to me that she is as close to you as you let her. She would like to get even closer, but it is you who is hesitating, aren’t you? She said she doesn’t want to date anyone else, that your friendship is the most important thing in her life, besides her children, and that she cherishes every moment you spend together. All this tells me that she is very much into you, and is probably waiting for you to change your mind, i.e. to finally accept her as a romantic partner. Until then, she seems satisfied with being your friend and spending a lot of time together.

But as Helcat said, since you aren’t dating, she has the freedom to go out and do what she pleases. Maybe that evening when she got drunk, she was actually drowning her sorrow in alcohol, because you don’t want to be with her?? OK, I am saying this half-jokingly, but who knows…. specially since later she was embarrassed about it and didn’t want you to find out.

Anyway, she got out with some male colleagues and it upset you very much. You feel “hurt and foolish”. In what way do you believe she hurt you? I think it would be important to get to the bottom of this, to clarify what you really feel for her.

Dear Stargazer17,

You say you are still struggling mentally. One of the questions that is bothering you is whether to tell your boyfriend about the incident or not. One thing I’ve noticed is that you’re not sure how he would react, and that you believe there might be some severe losses involved:

Do I tell my boyfriend I kissed someone and risk losing my 8 year relationship, house, dog, life?

I feel like I don’t deserve the support from him after what I’ve done to him. I really feel like I’ve ruined our perfect relationship. I’m scared if I tell him I’ll really ruin what we have.

I don’t think he would leave me, which is why I think I shouldn’t mention it. Because he will live with that pain.

So the potential losses are that he gets angry with you and leaves you, and you lose your “relationship, house, dog, life”. Another possibility – according to your own predictions – is that he might not leave you, but that he would be very hurt and “would live with that pain”. Which would also have a negative effect on your relationship, even if you stayed together.

In both of those scenarios – assuming they have some probability – you wouldn’t gain anything by telling him. On the contrary, it might lead to great suffering, either for you or him, or for both of you.

And since you’re going through a difficult life situation, with your parents divorcing and you needing to take care of your younger sisters, it would just make you more stressed and fragile. That’s why I wouldn’t suggest confessing to him at this point, because it might be just too much for you.

Instead, what I see much more useful and pressing is to talk to your therapist by all means, to get it off your chest. Trust me, she won’t judge you, and you’ll be able to start the process of healing and developing more self-love and self-compassion, and stop blaming yourself so relentlessly.

Once you get emotionally stronger, you’ll be able to see your “transgression” more clearly and decide whether you want to tell your boyfriend or not. But I wouldn’t pressure myself to tell him right now – give yourself some time to work with the therapist to process and heal.

Dear Stargazer17,

The transgression you’ve made – kissing a boy while under the influence of alcohol and drugs – isn’t such an unforgivable mistake. It happens sometimes that we are attracted to someone other than our partner, which isn’t a sin – it is allowed to feel attraction. The question is what we do with it. Your mistake was that you were drunk and as other posters said, it lowered your inhibitions, and you lost control over your impulses. If you hadn’t been drunk, it wouldn’t have happened.

Luckily, what happened was just a kiss and nothing more. You say that it actually cemented your commitment towards your boyfriend because you’ve realized that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. If that’s really true, then it actually served a purpose, it helped you see things more clearly. And since it didn’t harm anybody, you can file it as a very stupid thing – equally stupid as getting drunk and high and losing control of yourself – which you will make sure not to happen again.

However, if you aren’t able to see it as a stupid mistake which happened due to alcohol and drugs, and if you keep blaming and hating yourself, saying “I hate myself for this and I probably will forever” and “I really feel like I’ve ruined my life”, then there is more to unpack here.

Such a strong feeling of guilt and dread over a relatively minor transgression tells me that you are in the habit of feeling guilty, and as you’ve discussed it with anita and Helcat, it most probably has to do with your childhood. Maybe you were blamed a lot, or even if you weren’t openly blamed, you might have felt it was your responsibility if things in your family didn’t work out? So there might be a false belief somewhere working in you, telling you “I am to blame”, “It’s all my fault”.

You did mention that you weren’t close to your mother: “I’ve not got a close/good relationship with her and never have gone to her for help or advice”. The reason for this could be that she was judgmental and you often felt guilty for not meeting her expectations? You didn’t dare to confide in her because she would judge you? I am not claiming it was so, just mentioning it as a possibility.

You also said: She loves my boyfriend a lot so I think she would be really disappointed in me and almost think how could you.

There could be an expectation that you should stay with your boyfriend, even if there might be a part of you that is unsure about it.

If you have lived your life trying to please your mother (or both of your parents), being a “good girl”, then you might not even know what you really want. This might have led you to go out and explore your “wild side” in that kissing incident. If we suppress and control ourselves too much, we end up bursting at the seams sometimes, and doing inappropriate things.

OK, these are all speculations, I don’t know if any of this is true for you, but if it feels it resonates, we can talk some more.