Dear OrangeHeart,

Thanks for your response, Its hard because I do love him and I really dont want to hurt him but at the minute he’s hurting me with his behaviour and inability to communicate! I really think things would be better if he would talk to me about stuff but he just doesn’t.

you are welcome. So he doesn’t want to communicate at the moment but is giving you silent treatment, after he told you you’re overreacting due to trauma from your previous relationship? Giving you silent treatment is his usual style of punishing you, and he does that for full 2 days, even for smallest “offenses”, like you washing the dishes at his place. I understand you don’t want to hurt him, but is it healthy to be “hurt” for days, for something which shouldn’t even be a problem in the first place?

I need to try and set some sort of boundaries but dont even know where to start! I think I’m going to spend less time with him and see If that helps

You said in a previous thread that you try your best not to upset your boyfriend:

My boyfriend also struggles with his mental health and the smallest thing can totally ruin his day, if not his week. i feel like i really go out my way for things to run smoothly for him. Ill do things he wants just so he doesn’t get upset even if its not what I want, just because its easier. When he is upset, im upset… So its easier to keep him happy so I can feel happy. Even if its not what I want to be doing!

This is how you can practice setting boundaries: to not agree to do things you don’t want to do just so that he wouldn’t be upset. Or to not give up something you like – like going to a concert of your favorite band – just so that no one around you would get offended. Try doing what you want, try giving yourself permission to do what your heart desires, even if your boyfriend or your sister would object.

Dear OrangeHeart,

good you’ve spoken to your boyfriend… I don’t know if he is manipulating you on purpose, convincing you that a conversation happened which never happened. But even if you had bad memory, you described some of his behavior on your previous thread, and it is controlling, manipulative and immature. This is what I wrote on your previous thread about how I see your boyfriend, summarizing what you described:

He has tried to come between you and your best friend, he badmouthed him, so you wouldn’t spend time with him. He gets offended and gives you the silent treatment when you speak to this same friend on the phone. [At the same time, he secretly goes visit this friend and spends time with him without your knowledge.]

He is also hiding things from you, not telling you the whole truth, inventing things that never happened (gaslighting you), due to which you started questioning your sanity. He gives you a 2-day silent treatment even for washing the dishes at his place!

He might not be a malignant narcissist and a pathological liar like your ex boyfriend, but his insecurity and his mental health issues cause him to behave in a toxic manner. And you are right to be upset about it – you aren’t overreacting or projecting issues from your past relationship. He is truly behaving badly and immaturely.

You might have tolerated it so far, because while growing up you’ve learned to suppress yourself and adapt to other people’s needs. But you are less and less willing to tolerate it now. You are less and less wiling to suppress yourself and your needs. And that’s why your boyfriend’s behavior is becoming less and  less tolerable.

I encourage you to stand your ground and not allow him to question your sanity. He is using you for his needs, with you he feels better about himself, and no wonder he doesn’t want to lose you. That’s why he is doing everything in his power (even twisting the truth perhaps) so you’d stay with him. But you don’t need to accept that any more.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Felix,

Do u think regarding the graduation ceremony issue, this is due to the usual saboteur?

Yes, you have a very low self-esteem and the need to be liked by others. Even though you haven’t been posting for 110 days and have been isolating yourself from your friends, this need (and the fear of rejection) didn’t go away, it just wasn’t active since you weren’t posting. Now that you posted, it got reactivated again.

But when i read in some blogs, it says that there’s a possibility that people in social media dont really give much of a thought what we post… just like we wont remember most people’s post.

That’s true. Lots of people care much more about their own posts and the feedback they get, than they care about other people’s posts. You believe everyone is judging you when you post something, when mostly people are neutral and don’t care too much.

Before the graduation day, i was so motivated in learning some skills to improve myself…. And now i’m messed up just like 3 months ago….

I am sorry about that. In the past more than 4 months of communicating we’ve covered all of these topics, including the reasons for your low self-esteem and the ways to overcome it. If you feel bad again, I can only recommend to read our communication again, and then if that doesn’t help, to see a professional. At this point I don’t have anything else to advise you, I’ve shared all that I know and that I think can help you, so if your problems persist, please seek professional help.

Dear Felix,

I am sorry you’re feeling anxious again, now triggered by your graduation ceremony. It seems that social media do trigger comparison in you, and it makes you feel bad about yourself.

Every time i wanna decide to do something i’ll always make sure that i dont regret it… but in the end i’ll always regret it…. I cant continue living my life this way, it’s eating my mind…

You may wait a few days to calm down, you can try to talk to your internal saboteur as I suggested, but if it doesn’t get better, I suggest you visit a therapist. Lots of times self-help isn’t enough, but we need to talk to a professional. I encourage you to do that, if you can’t stop this cycle or regret and self-condemnation.

Dear canary,

My image of myself has changed and I don’t feel my quirks or personality is something I should be ashamed of. I do water down my personality in front of people because it takes a while for me to warm up enough to be myself completely, but I don’t believe it’s a bad thing.

That’s good, it means you grew and can better accept your individuality. Great!

The other people are just classmates or mutual friends that I’m not super close to but we know each other. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure why I care about their opinion. Because we aren’t even close, but I still care about the way they perceive me.

Right. We can never be liked by everyone, so perhaps you’d need to accept that some people won’t necessarily like you, but it has nothing to do with you, but with their own preferences? How does that sound to you?

I feel unappreciated because my personality is not being appreciated in the same way it was when I was with my ex. I do appreciate myself and I accept my personality as it is, but I still feel unappreciated and I’m not exactly sure why.

Perhaps it is just you who accepts yourself completely (the way your ex used to), but no one else? How about your family? Do you feel they accept you completely? I remember you said you have two older siblings, and that they had each other for support, while you felt alone perhaps? This is what you said in your previous thread:

I have 2 older siblings and I’m the youngest. My older siblings are one year apart so they had each other for support. I am the youngest and my parents decided that when I was born they would parent me better and I was the closest to my mother. My siblings grew up afraid because my father was strict and would yell a lot. My father didn’t yell at me as much but I learned to stand up for myself because of it. Honestly, I was given the most attention out of my siblings because I was the youngest and my parents wanted me to have a happy childhood.

In this scenario, it could be possible that your siblings were a little jealous of you because you were treated better than them? And also, because you were younger, they didn’t feel that bond with you as they felt with each other? I am totally guessing here, so please disregard if this wasn’t the case.

Dear canary,

We were always making jokes and acting silly, so that is what I mean by my “weird quirks”.

I see, so you were on the same wavelength with him, had a similar sense of humor, and it was pleasant and enjoyable to spend time with him, making jokes and having fun. Other people didn’t necessarily like your jokes or your behavior, and you didn’t feel appreciated by them. You couldn’t be yourself around them, you needed to hide that part of yourself. With him, you could be yourself.

Since you’re not together anymore and his behavior changed drastically – how do you feel about those quirks of yours now? Do you feel they are bad? Has your image of yourself changed, because he isn’t supportive any more?

I’m not sure if my family/friends didn’t appreciate those parts of me that I consider to be bad.

You said “other people” didn’t appreciate it. Who are those other people, besides family and friends, whose opinion you care about?

Dear Dave,

how are you? Have you moved into your own apartment yet?

Dear canary,

When my ex entered my life, he would constantly compliment me and appreciate the little quirks that I didn’t know I even had. He appreciated every side of me, good & bad. It gave me so much confidence because I struggled with low self-esteem, it made me feel so nice to be appreciated by someone and being desired. Because of that, I started appreciating myself and others more.

Can you give an example of a bad side of yours that your ex appreciated? It could be that he didn’t mind some of your quirks, or “bad sides”, that your friends and family didn’t appreciate too much?