Dear Tineoidea,

I’ve been dealing with so much emotional and physical pain, gaslighting and nightmares during these past two months that it indeed took a toll. One starts to doubt even their own existence and perception of things.

Right. You were a victim in this, you were abused, but when anita suggested the alternative explanation, you kind of backed off and said:

The only one who actually was abused during this conflict, was W, by M, as I’ve had to wipe her tears and comfort her over it many times.

It wasn’t just W who was abused. You too were abused, both by him and then by her. And it seems to me that you have been abused by your “friend” for years. For starters, perhaps you should acknowledge it to yourself  – that you were abused by him?

Dear canary,

you are welcome, and I am glad you gained clarity by writing down your thoughts and feelings and understanding yourself better.

I believe that one of the key moments that stopped you from expressing yourself fully was when you sometimes went overboard with your jokes and hurt people. You didn’t mean to hurt them, you probably felt good and appreciated as a joke-maker, maybe you thought that this is why people like being around you. And so you “stepped it up” a notch,  you made your jokes even “juicier”. And then they became a little insensitive and some people ended up being hurt. It made you feel really bad and guilty, and you shut down as a result:

Then in grade 7/8, I started “breaking out of my shell”. I remember making the new girl in my class my friend, and I was able to be myself around her. I gained so much more confidence with my new friend, and eventually, my friend group got really big and I was friends with people that accepted me and appreciated my goofy side that liked making jokes. So I wasn’t anxious at all with my friends, if I remember correctly, I would only feel anxious when I was by myself in class or in front of strangers.

But then I realized that sometimes my jokes would go overboard, and I would make insensitive jokes that I didn’t mean and hurt people’s feelings. This made me feel soooooo bad. I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings but my jokes hurt them. I hated that so much that I slowly became cautious of what I was saying, and then eventually developed so much anxiety thinking about what I’m saying and if I should say it if it’s funny or not, etc. I just stopped making jokes and I feel that part of my personality died.

So it’s like you opened up, felt loved and appreciated, and then bam – you suddenly experienced rejection. And this hurt you tremendously and caused you to shut down.

I think it would help if you could forgive yourself for unintentionally making those insensitive jokes and hurting people. You don’t need to punish yourself and keep this funny part of yourself hidden forever. Because it’s an important part of who you are, and there is nothing wrong with it.

You’d just need to know the difference between a harmless and a hurtful joke. Can you tell a difference now? Do you understand why those jokes were insensitive? If you do, you can set the intention to never hurt people again with your jokes, and to not go overboard. But you can still share that part of your personality – a funny, goofy part, who cheers people up and makes them laugh and have fun.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Dave,

I am glad you’ve moved to your new place and that you are happy with it. Congratulations!

I sometimes feel lonely. One of the things that worries me a little (and something I haven’t felt before), is pressure in life of having children and ‘settling’ down. Now I’m 31, even my very supportive mother jokes about things like “don’t leave it too long”.

Perhaps moving to your own house exacerbated those feelings because now you’re “settled” from that point of view, so now “naturally”, you should get married, have children and all that. Your mother is hinting at that too, although half-jokingly. There is a sort of pressure you’re feeling… You say you feel lonely, but perhaps there is also a pressure now to “get it right” next time, to meet the right woman and get settled with her? Are you feeling that kind of pressure too – to sort of not mess it up next time around, because the clock is ticking?

But what people fail to realise is, I would love to meet a life partner and have a child, but you can’t force these things.

You’re right, you can’t force it, and you shouldn’t. You can make steps to meet women, but you don’t need to have the pressure in the back of your mind that this time around, you shouldn’t mess it up.

I sometimes worry about how to meet people, I am a very socially confident person, but as a lot of people at my age, I have the same group of friends, most of which are in couples, so I don’t find myself in places with many single people, so I’m trying to work out how to open more of these doors. There is of course dating apps, but I still have some skepticism.

Perhaps you can join some groups (like a hiking club for instance), where you can meet women with similar interests?

Sorry to hear about your father falling – is he recovering now? I myself am fine, thank you very much.

Dear OrangeHeart,

So when he’s in a bad mood about something, he doesn’t completely not speak to me, but he doesn’t make conversation, the atmosphere totally changes, he will give one word answers, when I ask what’s wrong he will insist its nothing but there definitely is something. Its really obvious when he’s annoyed at something I can tell within seconds! But he still won’t tell me

Well, that’s practically a silent treatment and a very childish behavior – he gets offended for something, you don’t even know what it is and wouldn’t even expect it (e.g. for washing the dishes), and then he won’t tell you why. You are pleading to tell you why, so you can “repair” the behavior, but even that’s not good enough for him – he is punishing you for something only he understands. I believe this kind of behavior is toxic and abusive.

If you experience it again, I believe you should stop pleading him to tell you what’s wrong. If I were you, I’d tell him that I don’t want to play those games. If he holds something against you, he should tell you openly, otherwise you’re not interested in his games because such behavior hurts you. That would be one way to set a boundary. A relationship should be based on open and honest communication, and if he isn’t willing to do it, but withdraws and sulks, he isn’t able for a mature relationship.

I definitely need to try setting those boundaries! I’m just so used to doing it that its my automatic response, i sometimes don’t even form an idea of what I’d like, i just automatically go with other people’s ideas. So i need to spend some time thinking about things I want to do I think

Yes, so try to observe yourself and your impulses and preferences. When someone suggests something, is it something you would like to do or not? And if not, don’t automatically say yes, but say “let me think about it”. And then you at least give yourself some space to not comply automatically, but you give yourself a chance to stop, consider and develop the courage to say No.

You don’t need to reject everything you don’t like, but start with one thing (perhaps something easier, where it won’t cause a big upheaval). You can practice it when you are alone: allow yourself to feel the sense of No in your gut, then make a rejecting  movement with your body and your arms as if you are pushing something away. At the same time, say No out loud. You may repeat it several times. This is how you can practice rejection, in the privacy of your home.

When you develop enough courage and determination, you can then refuse the thing you don’t want to in front of other people – not rudely, but respectfully. It won’t be easy at first, but I believe practicing at home might help. Let me know what you think about it (and you are welcome to not like it and to reject it – I won’t mind, and it will do you good for practice 🙂 ).

Dear Lily Margarette,

i think we have a healthy enough family life when we’re not having to deal with this issue. …  We take family holidays and they’re always nice enough and we go out for family feals and things. When we do spend time together we get on fine. I wouldnt say im in love with him anymore because of all the hurtful things he’s said and done, i can honestly say sometimes i dont even like him that much but he’s the father of my kids.

It appears to me you are able to function more or less normally as parents to your children, but not as a couple who loves and respects each other. In fact you already said that you feel you need to stay married because of the children, and also because you “feel completely terrified of ‘going out to work’ again.” I believe this second reason deserves to be explored – what is it that feels so terrifying now if you had to work again, compared to 11 years ago, when you worked last?

I find him to be very thoughtless and self-centered. Not with birthdays or christmas or anything like that, but with every day life and feelings. Everything is about him its never about me or the children. He finds it very hard to stand in someone elses shoes and feel what they’re feeling.

I see. So it seems he isn’t just lacking empathy towards you in the conflict with your in-laws, but in general, in how he treats you every day.

I married him because i loved him, and thought he’d protect me and the family we have and make me feel safe. He sometimes reminds me of his dad which is very hard.

Perhaps you had a strong need for safety (due to your own childhood issues?), and this attracted you to him, as someone who can create that safety for you. Someone who can provide for you and your children. This made you fall in love with him… But unfortunately, there is this other side of him, which doesn’t sound too promising.

Do you think he would be open to couple’s therapy? Although, if a person has narcissistic tendencies, usually therapy doesn’t help because they don’t want to admit their own mistakes.

Dear Peace,

I am fine, thank you. I do have some chronic knee problems, but it’s still manageable.

I saw small changes on behalf of my sister about my Guy .she wanted to know his family, and it appeared to me a positive sign …i hope things get better without me going against them and being called a rebel.

Good to hear that your sister might be more open to accepting your boyfriend…

i hate to admit it but i always craved that love and attention from my family from Childhood ..i wanted to be a Good Sister and good Daughter so that i could be “Seen” , “heard” and paid attention to .i was very hungry for Love and being accepted .so i hope i could make my point why it effects me …

Although I have matured enough, to realize by my own experiences that such superficial thing doesn’t matter, but still. yes, there is a part of me who wants to be a good Sister/ Daughter.

It’s good you are aware of it. I understand you don’t want to disappoint your mother and siblings, and want to be loved and appreciated. But I believe you wouldn’t want to pay the price of sacrificing yourself for their “love”. And if they can’t accept you for who you are, then their love isn’t true love either, but is burdened by expectations. Then they don’t see the real you but expect you to meet their image of who you should be.

The solution is to love and accept yourself completely, to love your true self. Your true self includes your needs and desires, your goals and dreams, as well as your preferences for a life partner. So love yourself and your preferences, and it will be easier to deal with your family’s “disappointment”. If they truly love you and appreciate you, they will accept your choice of partner, and be happy for you.

Dear canary,

I don’t believe that is the reason for my feelings. I have friends that understand my psychological problems, way before I met my ex. I’m referring to “the part of me” that is my personality that my ex understood and reciprocated his energy with me.

Okay, so there is a part of your personality that no one understands but your ex, however it’s not related to your psychological problems but something else.

I do water down my personality in front of people because it takes a while for me to warm up enough to be myself completely, but I don’t believe it’s a bad thing.

How would you be like if you didn’t water down your personality? How would your expression look like?