Dear Tineoidea,

Hmm, you do have a point there. Maybe I am slowly opening my eyes.

Good, because in that same article (on verywellmind . com), it says that one form of emotional abuse is having unrealistic expectations. Some examples are: “making unreasonable demands of you, expecting you to put everything aside and meet their needs, demanding you spend all of your time together, being dissatisfied no matter how hard you try or how much you give”. You were subject to all of the above… Plus, of course the threats to kill himself, which as I read now, goes under emotional  blackmail – which is another form of emotional abuse.

What’s curious is that both of them started to blame me for “abusing” him, when he actually was the one who abused both her and me.

Well, he presented himself as the victim, not just to your ex, but to you as well, when you were still friends. When you tried to cut back on contact, he would complain that he was trying to be the best friend, and this is how you thank him. In other situations too he had no self-criticism, it was always someone else’s fault. It’s no wonder that he told his own version of the “truth” to your ex. He was of course the victim and the innocent one, and you were the bully.

I do agree that there were times I’ve been cold, stern or avoidant with him and perhaps I could have handled it better, but I do have to say that he pushed my patience to its limits there, and I’m generally very patient.

You were trying to protect yourself, because he just wouldn’t back off. Asking him nicely didn’t work…  so no wonder you’d occasionally lose your temper. And then he probably used those moments as a “proof” that you’re selfish, impatient, cold, cruel, etc…

Dear Mr. Ritz,

good to hear that your wife has found another, more gratifying job, and that you are now better off financially!

My wife has been having mental issues. Lack of concentration, forgetfulness, brain fog etc…

Do these issues affect her ability to work? It’s good she’ll be seeing a doctor about it…

I’m pretty sure my attacks were due to concern for family and friends.
What I find strange is I didn’t have the feeling of fear, dread or other feelings you’d normally have when I heard the news.

It could be something below your conscious awareness, but still getting triggered. I don’t know how else to calm yourself down (beside various relaxation techniques, which you’ve been already doing), except by looking deeper into the problem and see what it is, i.e. what you are afraid of.

Dear Tineoidea,

I’ve been dealing with so much emotional and physical pain, gaslighting and nightmares during these past two months that it indeed took a toll. One starts to doubt even their own existence and perception of things.

Right. You were a victim in this, you were abused, but when anita suggested the alternative explanation, you kind of backed off and said:

The only one who actually was abused during this conflict, was W, by M, as I’ve had to wipe her tears and comfort her over it many times.

It wasn’t just W who was abused. You too were abused, both by him and then by her. And it seems to me that you have been abused by your “friend” for years. For starters, perhaps you should acknowledge it to yourself  – that you were abused by him?

Dear canary,

you are welcome, and I am glad you gained clarity by writing down your thoughts and feelings and understanding yourself better.

I believe that one of the key moments that stopped you from expressing yourself fully was when you sometimes went overboard with your jokes and hurt people. You didn’t mean to hurt them, you probably felt good and appreciated as a joke-maker, maybe you thought that this is why people like being around you. And so you “stepped it up” a notch,  you made your jokes even “juicier”. And then they became a little insensitive and some people ended up being hurt. It made you feel really bad and guilty, and you shut down as a result:

Then in grade 7/8, I started “breaking out of my shell”. I remember making the new girl in my class my friend, and I was able to be myself around her. I gained so much more confidence with my new friend, and eventually, my friend group got really big and I was friends with people that accepted me and appreciated my goofy side that liked making jokes. So I wasn’t anxious at all with my friends, if I remember correctly, I would only feel anxious when I was by myself in class or in front of strangers.

But then I realized that sometimes my jokes would go overboard, and I would make insensitive jokes that I didn’t mean and hurt people’s feelings. This made me feel soooooo bad. I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings but my jokes hurt them. I hated that so much that I slowly became cautious of what I was saying, and then eventually developed so much anxiety thinking about what I’m saying and if I should say it if it’s funny or not, etc. I just stopped making jokes and I feel that part of my personality died.

So it’s like you opened up, felt loved and appreciated, and then bam – you suddenly experienced rejection. And this hurt you tremendously and caused you to shut down.

I think it would help if you could forgive yourself for unintentionally making those insensitive jokes and hurting people. You don’t need to punish yourself and keep this funny part of yourself hidden forever. Because it’s an important part of who you are, and there is nothing wrong with it.

You’d just need to know the difference between a harmless and a hurtful joke. Can you tell a difference now? Do you understand why those jokes were insensitive? If you do, you can set the intention to never hurt people again with your jokes, and to not go overboard. But you can still share that part of your personality – a funny, goofy part, who cheers people up and makes them laugh and have fun.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Tee.

Dear Dave,

I am glad you’ve moved to your new place and that you are happy with it. Congratulations!

I sometimes feel lonely. One of the things that worries me a little (and something I haven’t felt before), is pressure in life of having children and ‘settling’ down. Now I’m 31, even my very supportive mother jokes about things like “don’t leave it too long”.

Perhaps moving to your own house exacerbated those feelings because now you’re “settled” from that point of view, so now “naturally”, you should get married, have children and all that. Your mother is hinting at that too, although half-jokingly. There is a sort of pressure you’re feeling… You say you feel lonely, but perhaps there is also a pressure now to “get it right” next time, to meet the right woman and get settled with her? Are you feeling that kind of pressure too – to sort of not mess it up next time around, because the clock is ticking?

But what people fail to realise is, I would love to meet a life partner and have a child, but you can’t force these things.

You’re right, you can’t force it, and you shouldn’t. You can make steps to meet women, but you don’t need to have the pressure in the back of your mind that this time around, you shouldn’t mess it up.

I sometimes worry about how to meet people, I am a very socially confident person, but as a lot of people at my age, I have the same group of friends, most of which are in couples, so I don’t find myself in places with many single people, so I’m trying to work out how to open more of these doors. There is of course dating apps, but I still have some skepticism.

Perhaps you can join some groups (like a hiking club for instance), where you can meet women with similar interests?

Sorry to hear about your father falling – is he recovering now? I myself am fine, thank you very much.

Dear OrangeHeart,

So when he’s in a bad mood about something, he doesn’t completely not speak to me, but he doesn’t make conversation, the atmosphere totally changes, he will give one word answers, when I ask what’s wrong he will insist its nothing but there definitely is something. Its really obvious when he’s annoyed at something I can tell within seconds! But he still won’t tell me

Well, that’s practically a silent treatment and a very childish behavior – he gets offended for something, you don’t even know what it is and wouldn’t even expect it (e.g. for washing the dishes), and then he won’t tell you why. You are pleading to tell you why, so you can “repair” the behavior, but even that’s not good enough for him – he is punishing you for something only he understands. I believe this kind of behavior is toxic and abusive.

If you experience it again, I believe you should stop pleading him to tell you what’s wrong. If I were you, I’d tell him that I don’t want to play those games. If he holds something against you, he should tell you openly, otherwise you’re not interested in his games because such behavior hurts you. That would be one way to set a boundary. A relationship should be based on open and honest communication, and if he isn’t willing to do it, but withdraws and sulks, he isn’t able for a mature relationship.

I definitely need to try setting those boundaries! I’m just so used to doing it that its my automatic response, i sometimes don’t even form an idea of what I’d like, i just automatically go with other people’s ideas. So i need to spend some time thinking about things I want to do I think

Yes, so try to observe yourself and your impulses and preferences. When someone suggests something, is it something you would like to do or not? And if not, don’t automatically say yes, but say “let me think about it”. And then you at least give yourself some space to not comply automatically, but you give yourself a chance to stop, consider and develop the courage to say No.

You don’t need to reject everything you don’t like, but start with one thing (perhaps something easier, where it won’t cause a big upheaval). You can practice it when you are alone: allow yourself to feel the sense of No in your gut, then make a rejecting  movement with your body and your arms as if you are pushing something away. At the same time, say No out loud. You may repeat it several times. This is how you can practice rejection, in the privacy of your home.

When you develop enough courage and determination, you can then refuse the thing you don’t want to in front of other people – not rudely, but respectfully. It won’t be easy at first, but I believe practicing at home might help. Let me know what you think about it (and you are welcome to not like it and to reject it – I won’t mind, and it will do you good for practice 🙂 ).

Dear Lily Margarette,

i think we have a healthy enough family life when we’re not having to deal with this issue. …  We take family holidays and they’re always nice enough and we go out for family feals and things. When we do spend time together we get on fine. I wouldnt say im in love with him anymore because of all the hurtful things he’s said and done, i can honestly say sometimes i dont even like him that much but he’s the father of my kids.

It appears to me you are able to function more or less normally as parents to your children, but not as a couple who loves and respects each other. In fact you already said that you feel you need to stay married because of the children, and also because you “feel completely terrified of ‘going out to work’ again.” I believe this second reason deserves to be explored – what is it that feels so terrifying now if you had to work again, compared to 11 years ago, when you worked last?

I find him to be very thoughtless and self-centered. Not with birthdays or christmas or anything like that, but with every day life and feelings. Everything is about him its never about me or the children. He finds it very hard to stand in someone elses shoes and feel what they’re feeling.

I see. So it seems he isn’t just lacking empathy towards you in the conflict with your in-laws, but in general, in how he treats you every day.

I married him because i loved him, and thought he’d protect me and the family we have and make me feel safe. He sometimes reminds me of his dad which is very hard.

Perhaps you had a strong need for safety (due to your own childhood issues?), and this attracted you to him, as someone who can create that safety for you. Someone who can provide for you and your children. This made you fall in love with him… But unfortunately, there is this other side of him, which doesn’t sound too promising.

Do you think he would be open to couple’s therapy? Although, if a person has narcissistic tendencies, usually therapy doesn’t help because they don’t want to admit their own mistakes.