Dear Felix,

I think i’ll start with creating a positive image and trying physical exercise in my housing complex that i mentioned before.

Good, let me know how it is going!

And do u think i’ve had this hobby of laying lazy in my room due to my parents keep relieving me from duties?

Yes, I think it’s related because if your parents believe that you’re rather incapable and have low expectations of you, you will lack motivation to do anything. You’ll adopt that same negative image of yourself and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I also believed that my self confidence issue isnt only caused my parents, but also rather due to the opinion of most girls in my highschool days… like their “criteria” on boys (which is taller than them, etc)… i always keep their opinion in mind…

Yes, we as teens are very much affected by the opinion of our peers, and very much want to be liked by them. But someone who has a healthier base from childhood won’t be so strongly affected by their peers, and their self-confidence won’t be crushed if their peers don’t like them. But if our confidence is low to begin with, the rejection by peers will be a horrible blow to our self-esteem, and it might even push us into depression. So the base of self-confidence that we receive in childhood is super important…

As for those questions that I’ve asked you pretty early into our conversation, you’ve answered them already. Your family situation is clearer, and it’s more or less clear how the core wound was formed. It all boils down to developing more self-esteem, and you can do that by applying those 3 principles from my previous post.

Dear Felix,

I understand that you want to feel liked by others, and you believe that in order to be liked by others, you need to do what everybody else is doing. The truth is that you cannot feel liked by others unless you first like yourself. Because if there’s a hole within, it’s like a bottomless pit – no amount of attention and praise will be enough. And even if you get positive attention and praise, you’ll question whether it’s true, whether people are sincere or they are just faking that they like you.

You see what I mean? Without that internal security and self-confidence, there’s really no outer “proof” that can satisfy you. Without it, you will always question yourself and other people’s intentions – even if they are sincere… I believe you realize that, because you are quick to question everything and always find a potential problem, even in harmless situations.

So the solution to your problem is not to find external approval – because you won’t believe it anyway! The solution is to develop internal approval – which means to like yourself and love yourself.

The solution is not to become extrovert, if you’re an introvert. The solution is not to talk about superficial things, if you prefer deeper topics and talking about emotions. The solution is not to become someone else, but to be yourself, with confidence.

I know it’s hard for you to be yourself with confidence, because you haven’t received enough stimulus from your parents. Your father was emotionally closed off, never smiled, workaholic, focused only on his work and duties, didn’t know how to have fun. And your mother was constantly worrying about you and your growth and development. She treated you as if there was something wrong with you, she worried about you and doubted that you can be a successful and thriving adult.

You grew up in such an atmosphere. You didn’t receive positive attention, but negative attention from your mother. She might have been “supportive”, as in helping a disabled child and relieving you from all duties – but you were not disabled! She didn’t have faith in you, and you don’t have faith in yourself either.

And probably she’s still the same, she probably still sees you as weak, fragile and incapable of life. She still sees you as her “disabled” child.

You need to change that image about yourself. You’re not disabled, you’re not incapable, you’re not less than others. My advice is to 1) adopt a positive self-image (use mantras, affirmations, love your inner child, have faith in him, etc), 2) do things that will give you a sense of accomplishment (to counter the idea that you’re weak and incapable), 3) do physical exercise to reduce mental chatter and produce good chemicals in your brain, such as dopamine.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear canary,

I am the youngest and my parents decided that when I was born they would parent me better and I was the closest to my mother. My siblings grew up afraid because my father was strict and would yell a lot. My father didn’t yell at me as much but I learned to stand up for myself because of it.

I see. Well, it seems that their parenting better meant less emotional abuse (e.g. less yelling by your father), but not enough emotional support – resulting in emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is almost as equally damaging to the child. Of course, you weren’t completely neglected, you say you were close to your mom and were given the most attention out of your siblings. But your mother lacked certain key skills and wasn’t aware of the importance of child’s emotional health, and she didn’t react properly to your anxiety.

As far as your father, it’s good that he didn’t yell at you – probably that’s why you managed to stand up to that girl in the 6th grade, and tell her that she was rude (even though your mother advised you to ignore her, i.e. not to speak to her). But then, after expressing yourself, you ran away and cried – because it was a very stressful experience, you felt alone, and I guess there was nobody to soothe you afterwards.

You say you felt close to your mom. But I wonder if in situations like this, you still felt alone and helpless?

Dear canary,

My mother knew about the bullying from the girl but she did not do much she just gave me advice on how to handle it.

What did she tell you?

Only my mother knew about the bullying in the 6th grade.

This means your mother didn’t tell your father about it. What do you think is the reason?

Dear Candice88,

He told me that he changed from reflecting on what I may have gone through, and never wanting to make someone feel that again.

Maybe I making bold assumptions here, but I don’t think he spontaneously started contemplating about you and your suffering, realizing how badly he treated you. To me it seems more likely that something triggered his change, e.g. that he went through a similar experience himself, of being mistreated and manipulated, and maybe that’s when he sought therapy? Has he been to therapy btw?

Yes, I had massive self esteem issues from him, a very successful, ambitious person who I was supposed to trust, telling me over and over how I should get “over it” and that I was embarrassing. I definitely absorbed that.

And it seems to me that your self-esteem issues didn’t start with him, but earlier, only perhaps they weren’t so strong? You might have been attracted to very self-confident, ambitious people because you yourself didn’t feel that way?

I may have a follow-up question (sorry for bombarding you): you say M is an addict, and he presented himself as a “whole and healed person”. Could it be that he is on cocaine or a similar drug, and also looks like an ambitious, self-confident person on the outside?

Dear Candice88,

you’re welcome. It appears he really did change and is much more considerate now. How did this change come about – what motivated him?

I have a hard time letting go of love. I want to explore every avenue before I throw in the towel on relationships, even bad ones

I understand. That’s why now you’re giving a chance to M too… With S, he was completely closed off at the time and unwilling to even consider that he might need to change. And yet, you stayed with him until he broke up with you. Perhaps you believed him at the time that it was your fault, and that you’re the one to blame?

I always wanted him to mature and change for the sake of girls who came after me,

This is interesting what you’ve said. It means you sort of knew he was to blame, or at least that he too was to blame, but you’ve stayed with him anyway. Have you hoped that he would still change at some point? That you would “save” him, so to speak?

Hi Emy,

Yes. I think I’m highly sensitive and I can easily sense other people’s energy and it overwhelms me indeed. And his energy totally overwhelms me.

Right. Have you done some research on highly sensitive people? There is one theory according to which high sensitivity (to other people’s energy and moods) develops as a result of circumstances in which the child grows up. For example, if the child grows up with an unpredictable parent, who can sometimes be abusive, they develop an ability to perceive the parent’s mood so they can adapt their behavior and protect themselves from trouble. It’s almost like a defense mechanism – developing “sensors” for trouble.

I don’t know if this is similar to your experience? In any case, I believe it would help to lower that sensitivity by strengthening your boundaries… how are you with boundaries? Can you say No to people?

Dear Natie,

you’re so very welcome! I am glad those words resonated with you. It means this is what really happened and you did feel burdened as a young girl, burdened and guilty for things you weren’t responsible for.

You may want to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself – the young girl – that she can relax now and put down that heavy burden that she’s been carrying. She can put it down and have a rest. Just not worry about anything. Empty her mind. You may also give her permission to simply enjoy herself and be carefree…

If you decide to do the meditation/visualization, let me know how it went…

Rooting for you and wishing you all the best! <3