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I have logged in to today after a long time away, and I thought I would add…. that my sister left her husband. She ended up fully divorcing him. It took a year of being separated under one roof, but it did happen.
Rather than say “I told you so”, I have embraced having her back in my life. She is a beautiful person, and I hope one day she realizes what she is worth, and someone sees that in her to…
I think you’ve answered your own question- go with your gut and stand your ground. In my experience, a strong gut feeling is never wrong. It’s completely natural to want to question it though- after all this guy has some great attributes, and maybe that’s not something you want to give up for the single life and being alone etc.
i think it’s worth holding off moving in together if it seems risky. A secure roof over our heads is always going to be top priority.
I am amused you took the time to read my previous post, Thankyou lol. I didn’t get married at 19, but I did fall pregnant and have my amazing son. I guess none of this is relevant to my sister though.
A few months after I wrote that post I got a great job which I stayed in for five years. And we persevered with ivf (9 rounds) and now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. No luck since having another one, but very grateful to have her. ?
what you have said is valid, however it is based on what I have chosen to include in my post. And that’s the negative side of asking for suggestions on a forum, their is no opportunity for further exploration with the OP, in this case me, the way you can in counselling.
I do know my sister has many insecurities which prevent her from leaving. A big one is fear of being alone. And of leaving someone who threatens suicide if she does. I know these things because my sister has told me.
There are multiple layers to this story and I focused on only one aspect. But thanks for your input.
To Inky, I think you are spot on: I have become her issue of choice. So does my husband and mother. She has ‘openly’ said she is unhappy about a number of aspects of her life, especially her relationship. Yeah I will let her come to me. I do miss her though. I do not know why she is so angry. I gave her my opinion and she did not like it.
To Anita: I did not necessarily want her to leave her husband and get with my friend, I just want her to be happy what ever that looks like. She is not happy with her husband, she starts fights with him in front of anyone present. Its very uncomfortable! I think she wanted her husband to get fed up with her and leave but he wont.
To Antonov: How would I feel? Im not sure, because I would not be in denial to begin with.
To Mark: I am giving her space and waiting.
Thank-you for replying. Yes I did try to call her. She would only reply via text or messenger. That’s when we began having this…’argument’…over messenger which I refused to engage with. I tried to call her again and when she did not answer, I text and left a message saying Id like to talk. That’s when she said she had nothing to say to me.
Communication – yes what I said was what I felt was true. It was clearly not useful and not particularly kind however. I said it because I was angry, and under that anger I was grieving.
I know the answer is to let some time pass, but its hard.
Anger is about lack of control, Dan. But we always have a choice – we might not like it – but their is always a choice in how we respond to any situation. From your first post you said you had been in a relationship with this woman for just 3 short months and she happened to fall pregnant to you. My thoughts were that you were fortunate she even told you she was pregnant with your child. Many women wouldn’t under those circumstances. Sounds like you have come along way in your outlook which is positive. Especially now you have a child that will look up to you, and want to model your behaviour. No child deserves an angry father, I’m sure you’ll agree.January 8, 2015 at 2:28 am in reply to: Looking for other ways of meeting women than online dating. Please share #70887
Dear Katie and Steve,
I think you guys should meet and hook up! Or, at least exchange email addresses. 😉
Im in my 30’s, and I had a string of disastrous relationships since leaving home at barely 16, many of them de-facto: The druggo ex who ripped me off and stalked me when I left him, the physically violent ex, and of course the classic cheating ex. Yes I’m stereotyping, but mark my words, their were each of those ‘types’. Through all the heartache, and all the craziness, I never lost hope: I met my soulmate 4.5 years ago and we were married within the year. He is the most amazing man, and I feel grateful for each day I have him in my life. Cupid does exist! Why am I telling you this?? Just to say, DONT GIVE UP. I truly believe that I learnt from those disastrous relationships, I grew as a person, and I like to think life does not have all bad in store for us. One last thing – we met on a dating site. We exchanged emails for one week, our first date lasted for 2 hours, and we have barely spent a day apart since.
Best of luck for 2015 to you both.
I like what you had to say, Jamie. It made me smile. I hope it is useful for you to, DM Clemons.
A few points you may wish to consider or discard. This is your post and merely a reader’s opinion.
You sound like you have a great boyfriend and they can be very hard to find. I think you recognise that though. And you sound like you do want to address your issues of insecurity, because you have been to two therapists you mention.
Ultimately the change needs to come from within you. I know this is what you are stuggling with and I know very well how hard it can be. My advice is to keep a very close check on your feelings when you get the urge to question your boyfriend’s loyalty. What are your triggers? Is it when you see a girl you perceive your boyfriend will find attractive? Or when he mentions another girl’s name? (These are just examples by the way). And during these trigger times, try and remember to consider how you physically feel? Sick in the stomach? Wanting to yell? Wanting to run? Maybe this is how you felt when you saw your Dad behaving in inappropriate ways. Maybe Im completely wrong.
You say your boyfriend finds it difficult to articulate whats goin on in his head. However actions speak louder than words and it could just mean he isnt as good with words as you. Particulary if his put on the spot.
I hope you find the inner peace you are seeking.July 28, 2013 at 3:05 am in reply to: Feeling very upset over being unemployed and infertile #39295
Message to Tara – hope I didn’t say anything that could be interpreted as being rude or arrogant about having kids. It was definitely not my intention. Sorry if I did.July 28, 2013 at 2:56 am in reply to: Feeling very upset over being unemployed and infertile #39294
Hi Tara and thanks for replying. I also liked what you have to say.
I know (and clearly you do to) that women in this day and age are often tossing up careers versus kids. My personal observation is you women like us (I’m guessing you live in a western first world country) either have the maternal instinct or you don’t. If you do, look out – it’s gonna take over your life.
Maybe it’s just not what you really want…maybe you feel like you do because your friends are all having baby’s, or maybe its a matter of being doubtful about the lifestyle that goes with an army wife?? (If its any consolation, a close girlfriend of mines husband is in the Airforce, they move around heaps, yet she has two under two, and yep, is pregnant again).
To ‘thicken’ my story a little, to you and Matt, and anyone who cares to read it or reply, I am already a mother. I have a 15 year old son who lives with us full time. Being a mother has been my biggest achievement in life. He is awesome. Yes, I know, lucky me.
I grew up in very impoverished circumstances. Got with his Dad at 16, pregnant at 19, he left me at that stage. It was very very hard. I put myself through University. It took me additional years to do it, but I got there eventually. I got a paying job after, and eventually could afford to buy a little house for son and I. A lot went on in between, but that’s the short story. I eventually meet the man of my dreams and I marry him. We met on a dating site.
What am I trying to demonstrate here?? I have learnt that you get NOTHING and NOWHERE without hard work and perseverance.
I haven’t had some great life travelling overseas and having fabulous career and then get all pissed because I cant get pregnant in my 30’s. I worked my butt off to provide a decent and respectful life for my son and I. My husband is like a gift, as much as my son, and it pains me that my husband cannot have children of his own, with me. Please don’t anyone comment about being a stepdad / role model to my son – it isn’t the same. We have a great family life yes, but I only have to put myself in my husbands shoes about not being able to parent.
So anyways, here’s tough little me, back battling lol. Please don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for all that I have. But maybe you, dear reader, now understand how my self esteem and confidence is feeling a little bit beaten. Coz deep down I’m still that pathetic little kid and I feel ashamed of my unemployed situation and I feel very unworthy at job interviews.
Ps I will look up ‘The Secret’ Tara. Thank-you 🙂July 27, 2013 at 4:30 pm in reply to: Feeling very upset over being unemployed and infertile #39288
Thanks Matt. Thank-you for taking the time to read what I had to say and for the lengthy reply.
I will make this short and to the point – type in to Google search engine, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
You will find that this is what you are experiencing, and your words to us, the readers suggest you recognize your relationship with him is unsafe: You state things are ‘escalating’…He throws things, is very quick to anger and shouting, calls me dumb/stupid/retarded and is quick to say “F*** you” .
It is like you are asking permission to leave. Please, call a women’s shelter, or any of the services that pop up associated with Domestic Violence and get some support.
I know you say you are willing to take responsibility for some of the conflict between you both, however clearly its not working a) he is violent b) there has been significant breakdown.
Don’t be surprised if leaving is easier said than done. It often isn’t.
Good luck and take care. xx