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Thank you anita for your advice – I’ll try to share in moderation. I definitely don’t want to be someone who need fixing, I’d rather do that for myself.
I don’t think it’s him I don’t want to commit to, although it has occurred to me I’m the first girl he’s dated in a long time and is he just getting carried away. I definitely fear not being good enough.
I think I’m afraid to make plans so far in advance for fear they will not happen.
I want to be open with him about how I feel but I feel too vulnerable- not because it him I’m like that with anyone talking about emotions.
I want to be brave and take a chance – I think I’m stronger now than I used to be if it ended but it hasn’t made me braver to expose my personal feelings.
He’s lovely and amazing and I want to take the chance even if it doesn’t work but I just close down when we talk about personal stuff. I don’t know how to make myself be more open
Thank you anita.
I didn’t consider the fear being about losing him as I’ve been really happy in my own and feel more confident about going back to that if it came to it than I ever was in the past. But I think I perhaps do have a fear of not being good enough and being rejected.
Perhaps you’re right that I think I’ll be judged by my past … but I don’t know whybit bothers me so much that he wants to tell friends and his son.
Move actively avoided the opportunity to go climbing tomorrow (partly to avoid any embarrassing myself in front of him) but also to avoid the conversations about us being together – which is the same fear as him telling his son. What am I scared of? I don’t fear commitment. I’d love to be with someone I love, forever.
He wants to go away again in a few weeks which sounds amazing but also makes me feel a bit suffocated. He’s also now coming on a trip in July with our mutual friends which he hadn’t considered doing before. I’m worried we won’t be together then and it’ll be awkward. I know he thinks it’s a massive opportunity to do somethings together.
Hes been single a lot longer than me, is a bit younger but somehow seems so much more relaxed and happy to travel quickly where the whole thing scares me.
Id like to work out how to get past it so I don’t make a mess of it as he’s really amazing.
I’ve had the same problem but only realised it when I was dumped by an amazing guy who I had been brave enough to open up to. We broke up for other reasons but I have felt completely destroyed by being dumped as I’d taken a risk in being so open with him. However, we’ve been able to part on good terms and I’ve realised as painful as the last few months have been for me I’ve needed it to find out who I really am and what I want for myself without my parents approval being needed, which is a bit pathetic since I’m 32. The fact they have been disappointed about my emotional state during this time made me realise how much I’ve been doing for so long in order to get their approval/praise without even realising it.
I’m finding it tough so I expect you will, but try to do things for you, to make you happy. And the next guy you meet please do be brave and open up, when you trust him tell him your fears and your desires. It might end up in disaster, (like for me) but you’ll feel stronger for it in the end, and you never know it might lead you to happiness.
Best wishes x
Thank you Sammykins. Yes I am scared and I’ve always been a confident person so to find that I’m actually scared to be alone also feels ridiculous as while I had a long term relationship previously I’ve lived alone for 7 years. So you think I’d like my own company! And I do, but this whole situation has left me feeling like i’m isolated and totally alone, so you’re right I think I’m putting myself under pressure to make decisions to change that in order to find happiness. I haven’t worked out how to just be, or to find myself.
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me. x
Lucy, you’re allowed to have male friends! So don’t apologise for needing to talk to someone about all of this, the fact you needed to meant you weren’t happy. And having found myself questioning what I actually want in life and not what others tell me I want, I found I want children one day and to have been with someone wonderful who I’d imagined that for myself with him, I totally understand the panic you must feel. And while you’re older than me (I’m 32) you don’t need to panic. There is time for everything to happen when it needs to. I’m currently trying to think about two women I know who are positive affirmations of what I could have, my cousin who was in her 40s before she met the right man and only then decided she wanted children. And a lady I work with who decided she wanted children in her 40s and adopted despite being single.
So I understand the desperation to have everything perfect now, but make sure it is on your terms and not because you’re chasing a dream of something. Whats perfect anyway? It doesn’t sound like he’s been that for you all this time?
I hate to say it coz I could be wrong, but if he treated you the way you describe what would he have been like with children? You would have been looking after them pretty much on you’re own anyway by the sound of it.
I appreciate I’m struggling to take this advice myself – but you shouldn’t have to chase someone. If he wants you he’ll make the effort. You are worth it. You’ve done wonderful things for him, like moving to be with him, looking after his dog, looking after him. What about you? Whilst I think we all make our own happiness I also think we need someone to look after us sometimes and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for needing that. You deserve it. There is someone out there who will treat you how you want to be treated and how you deserve to be treated. Just don’t rush to find them. I know its not what you want to hear when you desperately want to be with him but if its not felt right then you need to try to move on.
I can’t speak from experience on this one, but you need to make yourself happy first and foremost otherwise you’re children won’t be happy either. They will feel your pain. And if nothing more they have a terrible role model for their own behaviour which in staying with him you are condoning….
I hate to say it as I don’t have children so can’t know the pain this is causing you, but I really feel you need to make sure you’re happy and if you’re not you need to try to break free.
I hope you can find strength x
Having just had a short but very strong long distance relationship end I feel your pain. And I hate to say this but I wonder how much of what you’ve said could have happened to me as I was thinking of moving my life (after we’d broke up) to be with him as he didn’t want it the other way around. He was incredibly sweet and wanted me to move for the right reasons and to be happy and I’m sure I wouldn’t have had the rest of your story but I think that I would have been very alone as I’m quite introverted.
Reading what you have written it sounds like he wanted you on his terms and never on yours. He only gave you the commitment you needed when he thought you might leave and it sounds like he was a control freak. I’ve been in a long term relationship that ended just before my long distance relationship so I guess you’re also wondering if you’ve wasted a lot of time with him? No time is ever wasted if you learnt something. God I didn’t agree with that one for a lot of years!
I’m going to have the balls to give you advice I’m struggling to take myself so feel free to tell me where to go! I think you need to find out what makes you happy just as you (I’m finding this quite hard having not been single since forever ago) and when you have, do more of it. I think for me it is travelling.
How do you feel living where you are? Forget about the loneliness you feel, do you like where you live and work if you moved for him? Have you settled in? I’m feeling a bit lonely where I am and annoyed in my job but I reckon much of that is symptomatic of being unhappy at the moment.
If you’re not happy where you are and are able to move back to where you have friends then do it. My friends have been my greatest strength over the last few weeks. If you feel settled then get out and see friends and try to do things that make you happy.
Sorry much of my advice is muddied in my own story, I really hope you find happiness and joy. Having only just found this website today I’ve just come across the best quote ever I now have stuck in my diary (apologies I can’t remember who said it) ” Reinvest in your dreams”. I think that one is going to get me through my stuff.
Best wishes to you xx