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trishaParticipant@Joe
I buy a lot of my leather from springfield leather and cut it down into strips/cuffs, then dye the cuffs and then either hand punch or add rivets, etc.. I buy the tooling leather. It has taken me about a year to figure it all out, learn the termanology for the products I need, how to use them, etc… long process, but I have loved learning! It is very relaxing and enjoyable.trishaParticipant@seanr
Just because someone has more years in the game, does not make them a better athlete 🙂My personal opinion here, and I in no way mean any disrespect when I say this… I think the mother needs some help, I think angry people are very hurt people and she would prob do good to go and talk to someone. BUT, she has to see that her behavior is wrong, and not sure you are the one to tell her… I think all you can do is suggest, maybe? Maybe if she sees you acting differently with your son, it could help her see a diff way to parent?
I know with my first marriage we had a lot of issues, we didn’t have any children, so it was easier for me to give the ultimatum of either we go and get counseling together or I leave… well, long story short… I left. And it was the best thing… years later I met a man who I married and we have been married for 21 years and we have a 17 yr old daughter.
Second thing I would say, is read everything you can about parenting… I have done that. I do understand the mother saying the teen is not respecting her, I don’t know how many times I have said that about my own teenager, but I read everything I can to help me understand what is going on in their brains and her life. I also try and control myself around her… they do respond much better to calmness than to yelling. I actually went to a counselor to help me parent and she suggested this book: Scream free parenting… here is a link to it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767927435/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
And it has helped…Good luck to you.
trishaParticipant@seanr
Thank you… was having one of those days. My thought with people is that they behave in the way they were trained or they experienced… and if they never get to the point where they question why they do what they do, it won’t change. When my mom was present, she was a good woman, but I think her generation felt like as long as the children had food and a place to live, then their job was done. And she did that very well.I agree with you… a person can either continue with the bad behavior or change it. I have tried so hard to change certain things, but I know I have created other issues for my daughter, that I hope, she will also change. I am not perfect, not even close. I try to talk to her and explain things… but she is 17 now and that can be tough.
It sounds like you are doing a great job! I think the biggest hurdle is being aware of your actions/words on your child, or anyone for that matter… and you are doing that.
And I have to say, you must be British? thanks for the post!
trishaParticipantHave you asked him why he watches porn?
I guess you have to decide what you are ok with and what you feel you deserve from a partner and what kind of partner you want to be.
I would just say, who you choose as a partner should elevate you, not degrade you… good luck to you.
trishaParticipantYou did the right thing, don’t doubt yourself. Your initial reaction was right… now you have time, and you are over thinking things and making excuses. Remember he not only continued to watch after you asked him not to, but he lied to you… don’t you deserve more than that from someone?
You need to decide what you will and what you won’t tolerate from a relationship…
Maybe it’s just me, and prob because I am older, but we can’t be ashamed to expect our significant others to treat us with respect, love, kindness, honesty, etc… and it goes both ways. When those qualities aren’t there, then there really isn’t a relationship…
trishaParticipantI think some people like the initial high of a relationship and then they get overwhelmed when things calm down and become routine… will be interesting to see if he stays in this new relationship… or will he freak out again>
Sounds like you saw the writing on the wall… most of the time we do, but we so want to believe in this new possibility, we close our eyes to the red flags and the warnings.
It appears to me you did everything right… relationships with new people is always a dice roll. How much did you know about him before you entered into a relationship?
trishaParticipantJoe, hello… I am a graphic artist and have done just about everything. I paint, do pastels, linocuts, watercolors, charcoal, you name it… I prob do only one painting a year 🙁 right now I am making leather cuff bracelets. https://trishaidoni.carbonmade.com
I think right now my painting has declined because of time available, that I am actually under a bit of stress raising a teenager and just don’t know what to paint… I love drawing animals, landscapes, people, etc… just waiting to be inspired.
trishaParticipantWhy are you ashamed of yourself? We all make mistakes… we are not perfect, we are human. I do believe we are made this way because if we were without fault we would not need others… we would not reach out when we feel lost.
I think sometimes our shame is because we cannot share the burden of the feelings we have… at some point you will have to deal with whatever it is and then set it down and forgive yourself. I will tell you I have a lot of things I regret in my life, I have done things that I am def not proud of… but talking about it, def has helped. Before I married my husband (20 years ago) I told him everything… you need someone you can tell, to me it was a cleansing.
I love this story… here it is used for forgiveness, but I also use it for myself for when I worry…
Once there was a sage who asked his disciples to carve out names of the people they cannot forgive on potatoes, one potato for each name. Then, the disciples were asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it with them at all times for one week.The longer time went by, the heavier the potatoes seemed to have become. To make the matter worse, those carved potatoes also started to rot and smells bad. It was such an unpleasant experience for the disciples.
At the end of the week, the master asked,
“So, what did you learn?”
At once they disciples told the master that they now realized that holding on to grudges only brought negative things to them. Asked how they should go about correcting it, the youngsters said they should strive their best to forgive everyone that used to cross them and made them angry.
To me the story also means to stop carrying around that shame you have, or the worry we have… just a thought…
trishaParticipantWell, we could go in so many different directions here… and thank you, I want to be a good mother, I know I am not every day. But each day is an opportunity to make it right.
As I said, I have no experience with the person who physically abuses their child. I have never been hit out of anger by someone, so I really can’t say anything. I do wonder, since you keep brining it up, if you have had some experience with this behavior?
As far as my opinion on abuse, I have to think that the person is just so angry and so filled with self hate and hate of probably everything that they are unable to reason in a logical way. I would have to say their perception of the world is so far off… I have heard many times that they tell the abused that “they made them do it”… and maybe they believe it? Or that is their excuse. Pain begets pain… I am not saying at all that is an excuse for the behavior. I guess I am trying to just back away with a little less emotion and understand the motivation… that doesn’t mean I think the behavior is ok.
I am the kind of person who is pretty analytical and I like dissecting the motivation of people to understand why they do what they do… I am not saying I agree with the action or the pain that it inflicts or the lives it destroys, I am just trying to understand that adult, who at some point was also a child… how did they get to the point where they are doing the negative actions they are doing?
trishaParticipantI agree with most of what you write… I was never abused to that degree nor have I dealt with a person who is that angry and mean, so hard for me to know and understand the person. My experience is more with the unavailable parent… both in time and love. So, I can understand this to be a “did the best I could” scenario, because if we are never shown love how do we know how to give love?
I am not talking about the person who beats their child physically or emotionally… I have to think the person knows that is wrong. That is something I know nothing about and really have no experience even to comment on.
But I know, over the 17 years of parenting I have said and done things I am not proud of. I am sure I have hurt her spirit, not intentionally, but I am still human. The problem is not the person who makes a mistake, the problem is the person who continues to make the same one without correcting themselves… and I have prob done a little of that, too. I have my own wounds that I am trying to fix.
I do have to say, the person who lacks a heart probably does not know… ?? If they have never been shown love, how do they even know it exists??
trishaParticipantThank you!! What truths you have shared! I know when you enter diff families, people do things differently… but I have been married into this family for over 20 years, and I am tired of making the effort. My stepdaughter and her husband are the worse. I go to their children’s parties with my husband, always bringing gifts, and my son-in-law just totally ignores me. My husband and I will hand him his gift and he says thank you to my husband, but not me. I actually got my stepdaughter her job that she has now, she works with me… so how much more can a person do> but I am done. I told my husband, he can get the gifts and do the parties. Their daughter’s dance recital is coming up, and I really do not want to go.
I know some of my problem is expecting too much from people… but a thank you, an acknowledgement?
You hit the nail on the head with my daughter… I would agree. She does not respect me.
I need a mantra that I will say each day to myself… I think I have lost my self worth in all of this and I need to figure out how to get it back. I feel pretty beaten up. And I don’t like it!! But then the guilt comes in if I am not doing what I think I should be…
I have been programmed to think that I should be doing X, so when I don’t, I feel guilty. I should get this mean person a gift because he is related to me… I don’t like doing it, but I feel bad if I don’t.
I am rambling… your message is right on with lots for me to think of and digest.
trishaParticipantEvan and Anita;
Thank you for the reminder… I think I will just have to read your post everyday!!Unfortunately the present is very stressful with raising a teenager.. I don’t think Buddha had a teenage girl when he was talking about the past, future and present… the present is stressful. Just when you put one fire out, another comes up. It’s like running an endless marathon… you just finish, and you say to yourself “that went well, let me rest” and it’s time to get up and run again. Like the snowball rolling down a hill getting larger and larger… I let a few bad behaviors go without correction and now I have a huge snowball rolling out of control, testing every response and emotion. I am angry, hurt, tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. So, tough to go easy on myself when I know I have created that which is causing me pain…
But thank you… looking at reading Happiness: Essential Mindfulness Practices, Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
I think I need someone to walk me, step by step, through this phase… but thank you for the encouragement!!!
trishaParticipantHello, I am new here… I receive the Tiny Buddha emails, but it must have been a long time since I have been to the site, because it has sure grown! You have some great articles!!
I am in my 50s and still trying to figure things out, figure me out, figure people out… Trying to adjust my expectations of people, because I am tired of being disappointed by people who show you one face and are really a totally diff. person. Trying to learn to rein in my emotions, not let people hurt me… they hurt me because I expect that if I am nice to them, they will be nice in return. Doesn’t work.. and this is extended family. That’s what is tough… if it was an acquaintance, then you can just move on. But when it is extended family, you are stuck with these people.
I realized today that if you put a plant in the wrong conditions (too little or too much sunlight) it will die… right? Some days I feel like I am in the wrong conditions, but changing it would be tough. I feel like I need sunlight and all the people around me are darkness… and I am shriveling up. But that is a mindset, right?
I need to make some changes and looking at this site to help me do that!!
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