Hi Eric,

Your story about pigeons made me giggle a little bit; but I suppose even those damn birds deserve happiness too! You’re very right that children change a little more readily than their parents because naturally we are still growing into the people we want to be, and typically the older you get the more slowed that process has become (for some anyways). I guess if I think of it that way, my mother has been around far longer than I have and that generally means my level of adaptability is higher, so rather than beat my head against the wall trying to get her to see how she affects me, it is likely easier for me to control myself and how I let the situation affect me.

It really is a multi-faceted entity, this relationship with my mother. While I obviously love her because she is my mother, I lose patience with her easily. I find myself thinking that if she were my friend, I wouldn’t enjoy maintaining a relationship with her. And then naturally I feel guilty for that thought. And then I have bouts of compassion for her and sympathy for the fact that her mind is beyond her control at times. Does everyone have these ups and downs with parents? I guess when you eventually become an equal adult like your parents it would be natural to have clashing like that.

I am in Canada myself (though my family is from the UK interestingly enough!) but I will look at this website, thank you! I’ve been searching for resources within my city online as well; support always seems to be around for those who search for it.

With gratitude,
Victoria

Diana,

Thank you for sharing with me. It is so remarkably powerful when you can connect with people, even strangers. Its nice to feel like I’m not alone and although you haven’t experienced the identical situation that I have, you understand the struggle with a mother. I’m sure your mother inadvertently moulded you into a strong beautiful person too, otherwise you wouldn’t be involved in such a great community for personal growth such as Tinny Buddha. What comforts me is that women like you and I will be the unconditional loves of our future daughters’; so the struggle elicits something beautiful after all.

Hugs,
Victoria

Hi Matt,

I see where you are coming from with the metta for my benefit and not my mothers. It’s a very interesting concept that I can control myself in such a way and be less of a victim to my emotions of anger or frustration. I am curious if you have any resources on metta practice? Websites perhaps?

Hi Matt,

Your words are kind and good to hear. It is comforting to know I’m not the only one who has struggled with the difference of who my mother is and what I wish I had for a mother. Particularly as a young female, you usually strive to be like your same sex parent. Perhaps I need to just practice showing her compassion (even if I may not like it at first) and it will get easier to accept the cards I was dealt in life. I greatly agree that I would not be near the woman I am if I hadn’t grown up with my mother. Though I faced a lot of struggle that I view as unfair to a certain extent, perhaps there is no such ‘unfair’ struggle, because struggle is the foundation to strength. And perhaps I should inadvertently thank my mother for creating a strong young women indirectly.

The idea that “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” actually resonates with me. I have often felt a sense of martyrdom toward my family (if that makes sense) in that I see my purpose to serve them to the best of my ability; that my reincarnated self was meant to bring the strength my family lacked. I strongly feel the reason for my existence is to help, and I guess to help others you are usually put in a situation that is worthy of help (or not exactly ‘peachy’ in other words).

This Metta practice sounds like a very useful tool. Thinking about showing that compassion to my mom just in my own mind moves me emotionally. It’s hard for me to do to be honest. I want to be able to. I want to send all of the love I can toward my mom because I realize she needs it most. I just struggle to be so selfless; there are better people at it than I.

Another thing I do struggle with is to talk to my mother and not have my inward anger shine through in our conversation. I don’t think it’s fair of me, but I have a hard time controlling it. Do you have any advice on that? I assume Metta practice would help, but until I master that, is there some mindful thoughts that are good to focus on instead of my anger?

Feeling hopeful,
Victoria