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Victoria F.

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • in reply to: Adult Relationships with your Parents. #38989
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Eric,

    Your story about pigeons made me giggle a little bit; but I suppose even those damn birds deserve happiness too! You’re very right that children change a little more readily than their parents because naturally we are still growing into the people we want to be, and typically the older you get the more slowed that process has become (for some anyways). I guess if I think of it that way, my mother has been around far longer than I have and that generally means my level of adaptability is higher, so rather than beat my head against the wall trying to get her to see how she affects me, it is likely easier for me to control myself and how I let the situation affect me.

    It really is a multi-faceted entity, this relationship with my mother. While I obviously love her because she is my mother, I lose patience with her easily. I find myself thinking that if she were my friend, I wouldn’t enjoy maintaining a relationship with her. And then naturally I feel guilty for that thought. And then I have bouts of compassion for her and sympathy for the fact that her mind is beyond her control at times. Does everyone have these ups and downs with parents? I guess when you eventually become an equal adult like your parents it would be natural to have clashing like that.

    I am in Canada myself (though my family is from the UK interestingly enough!) but I will look at this website, thank you! I’ve been searching for resources within my city online as well; support always seems to be around for those who search for it.

    With gratitude,
    Victoria

    in reply to: I have a soulmate; he isn't my husband #38916
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Khani,

    While I have never been married, I was given a crucial piece of wisdom that has stuck with me when I thought I lost my soulmate once too. The truth is, there are soulmates, and there are lifemates, and those are not necessarily the same thing. Soulmates are those that reveal layers of ourselves to us and help us grow and learn. Lifemates are those that we love on a deep level that survives hardships and celebrates happiness. It is okay to have both kind of people in your life. Soulmates are exciting and make us feel tingy and alive. Lifemates give us these feelings but once those feelings are gone, a lasting love and commitment remains as well, enough to get through the bad times. When you do find a soulmate, the feelings for that person never do quite go away and you will always share something with them; it’s okay to feel that way. My advice is to accept the different roles of these two people in your life and to understand that they come with different emotions.

    in reply to: Adult Relationships with your Parents. #38915
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Diana,

    Thank you for sharing with me. It is so remarkably powerful when you can connect with people, even strangers. Its nice to feel like I’m not alone and although you haven’t experienced the identical situation that I have, you understand the struggle with a mother. I’m sure your mother inadvertently moulded you into a strong beautiful person too, otherwise you wouldn’t be involved in such a great community for personal growth such as Tinny Buddha. What comforts me is that women like you and I will be the unconditional loves of our future daughters’; so the struggle elicits something beautiful after all.

    Hugs,
    Victoria

    in reply to: Chaos all the way! #38895
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    As someone who has a mother and sister with bipolar, you are not alone and you are in fact one of many who suffer the same. It isn’t your fault, but what I have seen first hand is the difference medication and therapy make on this condition. Before her diagnosis and treatment, my sister would treat her family horribly; yelling, being selfish, not caring about her actions affecting the family and just general mistreatment (particularly of me as her younger sister; she liked to hit me too). But since she has figured out appropriate medication that works for her and sees a psychiatrist regularly, she is a completely different person. She is calm and fun to be around, she is considerate, and what’s more is that she understands that she is not bipolar; she has bipolar. She feels in control of it now instead of letting it consumer her. And so we better know how to help her and she can tell us “I am feeling really angry right now” and we can behave appropriately.

    Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is something that can be gracefully managed as long as you are willing to do so. I would recommend you see a doctor for medication and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist as well. Once you look after yourself, other relationships will follow suit. You have all the power to create the great future you want.

    With encouragement,
    Victoria

    in reply to: Adult Relationships with your Parents. #38894
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    I see where you are coming from with the metta for my benefit and not my mothers. It’s a very interesting concept that I can control myself in such a way and be less of a victim to my emotions of anger or frustration. I am curious if you have any resources on metta practice? Websites perhaps?

    in reply to: Adult Relationships with your Parents. #38893
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Tim,

    You’re definitely right that text is so limiting in what I’m trying to express, but thank you for reading and replying anyways. I think the idea of speaking to someone who has a parent with bipolar would be beneficial. Having someone to relate to always decreases the isolation and frustration I feel. Though, I’m not particularly sure where I would find someone to talk to. Perhaps internet forums like this one? I don’t suppose you know of any mental health resources off hand? Your support is really appreciated; I feel cared for by strangers and it’s rather touching.

    With gratitude,
    Victoria

    in reply to: Adult Relationships with your Parents. #38856
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Your words are kind and good to hear. It is comforting to know I’m not the only one who has struggled with the difference of who my mother is and what I wish I had for a mother. Particularly as a young female, you usually strive to be like your same sex parent. Perhaps I need to just practice showing her compassion (even if I may not like it at first) and it will get easier to accept the cards I was dealt in life. I greatly agree that I would not be near the woman I am if I hadn’t grown up with my mother. Though I faced a lot of struggle that I view as unfair to a certain extent, perhaps there is no such ‘unfair’ struggle, because struggle is the foundation to strength. And perhaps I should inadvertently thank my mother for creating a strong young women indirectly.

    The idea that “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” actually resonates with me. I have often felt a sense of martyrdom toward my family (if that makes sense) in that I see my purpose to serve them to the best of my ability; that my reincarnated self was meant to bring the strength my family lacked. I strongly feel the reason for my existence is to help, and I guess to help others you are usually put in a situation that is worthy of help (or not exactly ‘peachy’ in other words).

    This Metta practice sounds like a very useful tool. Thinking about showing that compassion to my mom just in my own mind moves me emotionally. It’s hard for me to do to be honest. I want to be able to. I want to send all of the love I can toward my mom because I realize she needs it most. I just struggle to be so selfless; there are better people at it than I.

    Another thing I do struggle with is to talk to my mother and not have my inward anger shine through in our conversation. I don’t think it’s fair of me, but I have a hard time controlling it. Do you have any advice on that? I assume Metta practice would help, but until I master that, is there some mindful thoughts that are good to focus on instead of my anger?

    Feeling hopeful,
    Victoria

    in reply to: spiritual awakening? #38850
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hey Luis,

    I had a very similar experience after finally leaving a bad relationship I had been in on and off for 2 years. I was so depressed and exhausted that I almost began to enjoy the melancholia I would feel at times and just accepted the sadness as part of life. Then I started to actively make steps to take care of myself and I reached a point where I saw myself for the first time with a clarity I had never had before. It was as if I turned on a light I couldn’t turn off and I really just felt totally at peace with myself. And it really isn’t something you explain to others, like “oh I really love myself” because most don’t understand. But I definitely understand the feeling of being reborn and just having admiration for yourself. I felt as if I was on fire inside but in the best possible way. It’s a very powerful thing and I truly believe it enables you to do anything and create a life of love for yourself. I’m happy other people have experienced it too!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)