Hi Anita,

I apologize for not replying. I had gone on vacation and had forgotten to answer. I am; however, back again. Still challenged by the cycle that brought me here initially. I am scared to take a step forward in my current relationship, and keep obsessing about my past one. There are times where I convince myself that my rOCD made me break up my last relationship, while also battling that rOCD may be causing this pain in my current relationship. I do not know what to do.

Anita,

You are making some great connections with the little information I’ve been able to share. Thank you.

My concern is, even after seeing and acknowledging these connections, it still feels so real.

I still feel very off my boyfriend, and thoughtful of my ex, and I find it challenging to sit with that.

In regards to my mother, I have been working on boundaries. She is still an important person in my life, so boundaries will help with that relationship, I am hopeful.

V

Hi Anita,

Sure. I’m happy to do that. Most recently, we’ve been in a cycle of arguments about communicating more effectively with myself and others. Specifically, he finds it difficult to socialize, and yesterday I introduced him to my friends. We went out to dinner and he asked some questions, but after that just sat and did not engage with anyone else. Before the next stop, I spoke to him privately and asked if he was comfortable and asked him to try and engage more because it’s important to me. This turned into a huge spiral argument about everything else.

V: It is really important to me that you get along with my friends and family. I am feeling like you don’t try to engage with the people who are important to me. I know that you’re a great person, and I would like for everyone else to see it as well.

D: I am trying but they didn’t engage with me either.

V: You’re right, but I think that as the new person you need to try taking some initiative. For example, you could try sharing stories about yourself, and asking open ended questions.

D: Okay, sorry. (Not looking at me)

V: (I have to add that I feel quite upset when he just says sorry without acknowledging anything I’ve said. I feel like he does it to end a conversation). I’m not really looking for an apology, I’m trying to help you come up with a plan.

D: *silence*

V: Can you please say something?

D: I feel like you’ve been on me for everything, and you’re bashing me.

V: I am trying to connect with you, and support you because I know it makes you feel uncomfortable.

D: *silence*

V: I find it very challenging when I’m trying to have a conversation with you, and I get little to no response. Can you please say something?

D: What do you want me to say?

At this point, I would start to get upset because I feel like I’m not being heard or understood. I know that he shuts down when he feels threatened, and he acknowledges that he does this, but doesn’t actively try to stop it.

V: I am feeling very disconnected. Whenever I’m trying to have a conversation with you, I feel like I need to ask at least 10 questions to get one response and it is upsetting for me. I want to feel like we can have open and honest communication, but every time I try to talk to you about something, you shut down and the conversation can’t come to a resolution.

D: Okay, I won’t disconnect next time.

V: (This also upsets me because it’s just a blanket response) I feel like I have heard you say that, but I’m not sure if we have an active plan to make sure that doesn’t happen. Whenever I ask you if you need help, or need suggestions on a plan for when we’re in conflict, you say you’ll figure it out. You can’t get a different result from the same strategy.

Inevitably, this conversation ended because it was late, and we were both tired. Today, when I tried to speak with him, he said he feels like he’s always being criticized and that he doesn’t feel like showing love when he feels that way. I said that I was trying to connect with him, and he said after last night it was hard for him to do that, and that if I were in his position, I would feel the same way.

I responded by saying that he was right, I would not like it. But I would try to take the information and do something with it because I know that something I am doing is causing distress, and I should be aware of behaviours that are coming up for me.

I haven’t received a response from him since then. This last section was through text.

Hi Anita,

That makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you. In regards to my ex, I was able to share all of my emotions, and he was soothing. That was a very addicting feeling to me.

I would really love to hear about some of the strategies you learned.  We both agreed to sign up for it together. It is his first time going to therapy, so he is very intimidated to do it alone.

V

Hi Anita,

I resonate with what you’re saying. I sense that the hostility comes from the emotional dumping when I was younger, and now the need to still be there for every feeling she has (whether I agree with it or not).

What causes me distress is, if the problem is because of my previous experience or child-hood experience, then it’s possible that I’ve made a mistake and should have made it work with my ex, although there were problems, and that causes me a lot of guilty feelings. Although, I recognize that same feeling now with my boyfriend.

Thank you so much for all of the replies. I agree that this is an excellent learning opportunity for me. What’s troubling is that I find it to be a cycle and am noticing similar feelings between relationships. While my ex and I are not in contact, he will reach out to me every few months and is still adamant that we are going to get married. When I am in a good headspace, I am able to brush this off and wish him well. However, when I am not I find myself questioning my decision and why I could have just stuck it out.

With my boyfriend, things are much different. We are friends, he is very affectionate, family-oriented, thoughtful and considerate. Anita, you are correct in saying that my ex-boyfriends logic was very calming to me. I believe it is because I can be so emotional, so having someone who did not look at life in that way was soothing. My boyfriend is a lot more emotional, which is perhaps where the challenge comes in for me.

Anita, you have asked a loaded question lol. My relationship with my parents growing up was not the best. While they loved me to the best of their abilities, they both struggled in relation to one another (ultimately ending in divorce when I was 21), and I often felt like I took on a lot of my mother’s emotions, and also felt like I was constantly worried about my dad and felt like I looked for his attention as he was not very emotional. Today, the relationship is better, I try not to get upset with them because I know they were doing the best they can. I still worry about my Dad financially, and know that if an emotional relationship were to ever happen, it would be because of me. For example, I had to forcefully start a habit of saying “love you”, because it was never done before. With my mom, there is still a sense of hostility there, which I cannot fully understand. She often is upset with me because of a “tone”, or because I’m not agreeing with everything she says, but I’ve been practicing implementing boundaries around that. That is the short, condensed version of our relationship.

Anita,

That had been the cycle throughout our relationship. Every 6 months or so I would bring up the issues, they would be resolved for a while, and then go back to normal. Each time, his response was that he was being lazy and not making an effort.

I guess the difficult part of leaving is missing all of the other great qualities that he has.

I have spoken to him before, and he said that his family was affectionate to him. They did not share feelings, but he says that he was the only one who rejected it. From my experience with his family, they are not very warm and affectionate. Again, this could be cultural.

It really hurts me to not believe him and give him another chance, but another part of me wants to begin something new. I am sad to lose such an important person in my life.