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So sorry for the late reply, I was taking my time to embrace this sadness. I don’t know but it doesn’t seemed like its getting better. I thought it’s gonna get better but I am still feeling very depressed. I’m depressed for not loving myself enough, well more like angry at myself. I kept thinking about the what ifs, what if I know how to love myself, non of this would have happened. I wouldnt hurt her my ex so much. All the what ifs, I know it’s not helping but this guilt feels like its slowly eating me up inside.
And today, I felt something that I have never felt before, I went to the gym and there was this big dude who came to me ask me if we can share the equipment. He was being quite rude, but i was nice enough to offer him to share. Then this big dude rudely ask me to put on the weights for him without saying please and thank you. He treated me like a slave like i was nobody. But you know what I did? I followed his instructions, but inside I was really boiling. I can feel this anger inside of me waiting to just come out. But i stopped myself from unleashing this anger because I know it wouldnt end well. So pathetic. After I left the gym, I felt this tremendous anger towards myself, telling myself ” YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO DEFEND YOURSELF!!” what the fuck was I thinking? I just kept quiet and just follow his instruction like a dog. I’m so angry!! I have never felt this angry before!!!I FEEL LIKE IM going nuts!!! I’m so angry but helpless!!! WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF??!!
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Romeo.
Well I want to know how your past relationships made you realise your FOO and why even though you last relationship was with a girl who was not angry at men but it didn’t work out? What lessons did you learned from your her or lessons other than realising your FOO.
As I re-read your post I cried to myself. I just feel so sad for myself.
Wow! Just wow!! All these connections and links that you described. When I was reading it i felt that you really hit the spot. Thank you so much for your help Anita!
The problem is how do I get rid of this ingrained behaviour of mine that was implanted in me since young?
Hey there Mark!
Do you mind sharing more about your past relationships and how it ended?
Thank you for your support and help. I am still searching for clear answers. Thank you for the book recommendation. Will look into that. Will keep you posted if I really found what I have been searching for. Cheers.
Well now that you mentioned it, maybe I did confused rescue with love. And yes, I do feel in control as I felt like a “real man” helping them and being their rock. It gave me some sense of achievement which almost felt like a drug or something that fuels me as a person. What books do you recommend? I picked up a new hobby of reading recently, reading really helps our personal growth in many ways.
Thank you for your encouragement. Well looking back at my past childhood. At a certain point in time, my family was really struggling. My parents failed their business as my mom were betrayed by her siblings who were working for them. It caused them a huge debt. My mom was really broken back then as well as my dad. But my mom was more in pain in my own perspective, as i saw her crying and constant breakdowns. It was really hard for her as her own blood related family betrayed her for money. But no matter how hard it was, she always manage to wake up early in the morning to cook for us, to bring us to school every day without fail. For that I have always admire her strength, her love and her perseverance to take good care of us. Sometimes she gets angry easily because she’s very tired and she still needs to take care of us. My parent’s hardwork and love for us makes me feel like I really owe them alot and someday I know I can repay them for what they have given me and my siblings. Maybe this contributed to my people’s pleaser behavior, I don’t know.
Now looking back in my teen years, I was a very timid and awkward individual. Being skinny and small, always being called a stick and sometimes look down upon. But I managed to get past that stage by working on myself, going to the gym eating more. As i progress in the gym, my confidence grew as well. But fast forward to my current situation, I did realized that all these while I may have neglected building my inner confidence. After going through these tough times, I realize I wasnt that strong after all even though I have a big body. I was weak in the mind and heart, still that timid kid inside of me…..it’s sad to think of it. When you think you’re on the right track but you realized you’re not. And you realize it from the people who was in and out of your life, people who gave you meaningful lessons that really teach you about who you really are.
I know it’s a very difficult decision but I hope you go through it nonetheless no matter how painful it is. I’m not sure whether I will see the light at the end of the tunnel as I just broke up but I’m sure I’m not gonna ignore what my gut feeling tells me and suffer any longer. Stay strong! Best of luck to you!
I am not really sure if my past troubles affected my relationship. I came from a loving asian family even though my parent’s doesn’t show their affection much but I know they love each other and they love us too. Only had one past relationship before this, my first ex cheated on me as she was older than me and mainly because I was being a doormat to her. Nonetheless, I learned a lot during those times. I did pass on my insecurities from my first relationship to my current relationship but I managed it and communicated with my gf.
What I mean by conversation flow is that we seldom have playful talks, dirty talks and you know that kind of feeling where you can just talk about anything. This has been a problem that I noticed in the early stages of the relationship and I did communicated it with her but she did not see it as a problem on her side. It is very hard to explain, its like the feeling where you just talk so much and you just wanna talk to each other all night long and then just be comfortable with each other after we have nothing to talk about. But I don’t recall having this feeling with her. When we are silent, I felt weird and a little bit uncomfortable but she’s totally fine with it. Eventually, I thought maybe I was just insecure and thing too much and just ignore this uncomfortable feeling. I think this is the reason why I have that deep connection with her which got me quite bored for quire some time.
Despite all these, I love her as a person. She is sweet, loving and supportive. But when I ask myself all the time, Am I truly happy? I find it so difficult to answer and the amount of guilt that struck me. I just can’t be happy with her. No matter how hard I tried. I am so tired. She loves me and I know she is willing to accept me back with open arms whenever I want to. But I love her too and I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I did not know love can be this painful and I thought being cheated is painful enough. Loving someone but knowing that you can’t be happy is another level. I guess the saying “Loving someone means letting go” is true after all.
How do you cope with these on and off feelings? I couldnt breathe at one point no matter how hard I tried. Admire your resilience and strength. Cheers to you for working hard on the relationship. Hope you can get rid of this feeling soon. Wish you the best!
Thank you for all your replies. She texted me and tried calling me asking me for lunch. I told her it’s not a great idea. I really do miss her but I don’t think it’s really best for us to meet again. What should I do? I feel so helpless.
I didn’t know there was such thing as gut feeling until it was calling out for me. Wow our body is really incredible. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Do you have any similar situation that requires you to listen to your gut feeling? Please do share!
Thank you again!
Thank you for your kind words. To be honest I really learnt a lot about myself from this relationship. Learning to listen to this inner voice and learning to love myself more. I guess some people are in and out of your life for a reason, to teach all of us something valuable I’m life. I am forever grateful for her and cherished every loving memory with her.
Yes we ended it face to face. I broke down in front of her while telling her everything. She broke down as well but it was quite a bad break up because she was very angry and she said I could have done it earlier but I know it’s now or never. Sometimes I am very tempted to text to tell her I’m sorry. Should I text her?