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Family of Origin impact on Relationships

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 1 year, 10 months ago.

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  • #189213

    Mark
    Participant

    I find it fascinating how our Family of Origin (FOO as I like to refer to it) drives our relationships.

    I wonder how I would fit in someone else’s attraction to me what would fit in their FOO past.

    I know from my past FOO, I was unconsciously attracted to women who had underlying anger toward men.  Fortunately I became aware of that and worked hard on all aspects of myself, especially self love to alleviate that.

    I see those relationships I attract are an indicator of my spiritual and psychological health.

    I feel optimistic from my last relationship by being with a woman was not angry.

    Mark

    #189229

    Peter
    Participant

    Interestingly one of the physiological purpose of relationships is to heal the past so each person in the relationship can individuate. Become the best version of themselves. We subconsciously tend to pick partners that will recreate or simulate past experiences to give us a chance to heal them.

    A woman who is angry at men might pick a partner she can project that anger on with the subconscious hope that the partners Love will reveal the projection for what it is  which creates the chance for her to integrate her shadow – taking ownership of what belongs to her and letting of the stuff that doesn’t and doing so heal the past.

    The danger of course is ending up in a co-dependent relationship where each person fears and hurts end up feeding the others fears and hurts. Instead of healing the issues become even more entrenched.

    I think that if two people are conscious of this process they might be less likely to panic when the ‘past comes out to play’

    #189289

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mark:

    When you were a child, growing up in your family of origin (FOO, as you term it), your mother expressed anger at men. You noticed her anger and it affected you. You noticed her anger because she must have expressed it aggressively or passive aggressively or both. Since your father was a man, she was angry at him, correct?

    Was she also angry at you, being a boy, destined to be a man?

    You wrote that as a result of your childhood experience you got involved, as an adult, with women who are also angry. But your last relationship was with a woman who was not angry, and you believe it is an indicator of your “spiritual and psychological health”.

    For me to understand better, I ask: can you share about the ways your mother expressed her anger, at whom,  and how it affected you as the child that you were?

    anita

     

    #189299

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    The FOO influence doesn’t have to manifest romantically. Friendships and work relationships can be haunted by the FOO!

    Some of my past BFs, and my current DH, is decidedly NOT my father or mother! Of course, some “were” LOL.

    When we’re attracted to someone, it helps to ask ourselves “WHY?” i.e. WHY is this handsome, witty person who is condescending so charming to me?” When we clearly see abuse/neglect/personality disorders for what they are, and resolve firmly not to get sucked into that, then that frees us to go out only with people who are nice, attentive and healthy.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  Inky.
    #189317

    Mark
    Participant

    Thanks for that Peter.  What has your experience in picking a partner that reflected your FOO?

    Thanks for asking anita.  I have moved on from that FOO imprint.  I am curious about your childhood and the people you are attracted to as the result of that?

    Inky, I agree that it does not have to manifest romantically.  I assume that happened to you.

    Mark

    #189543

    Romeo
    Participant

    Hey there Mark!

    Do you mind sharing more about your past relationships and how it ended?

    Romeo

    #189581

    Mark
    Participant

    Romeo,

    I will share when it is relevant to the topic.  I am curious what is your particular interest in how my relationships ended.

    Mark

    #189687

    Romeo
    Participant

    Well I want to know how your past relationships made you realise your FOO and why even though you last relationship was with a girl who was not angry at men but it didn’t work out? What lessons did you learned from your her or lessons other than realising your FOO.

    Romeo

    #189779

    Mark
    Participant

    Romeo,

    I have done a lot of reading on the psychology of relationships so that is why I know how our FOO affects who we are subconsciously attracted to.

    Insofar as my last relationship did not work out was because of an issue that was her baggage.  I reminded her of her past husband even though she was conscious of the association, it still bothered her.  She had to financially support her husband and did not want to feel that she had to do the same with me even though I never asked or wanted her to do that with me.

    My lesson from that past relationship was that I have probably have healed that anger attraction part of me for it was not an issue with her or us.

    I am working on being more in touch with my anger for that is a part of me I don’t recognize that I am experiencing. I have spiritually bypassed (you can look up what spiritual bypassing is) my anger and skipped to acceptance/forgiveness/letting go/compassion.  I found doing that was not healthy or authentic.  Now for whatever emotion, I work on noticing it especially where it shows up in my body, acknowledging it and sitting with it.   I know if I don’t acknowledge or process my anger then I will continue to attract those who mirror my anger.  I believe we attract people who have behaviors and qualities that we need to grow from.  This is the beauty and the bane of close relationships.

    Mark

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