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You are right. I need to always remind myself that. I guess it takes time and patience with myself as this unconscious has been there since childhood. Thank you again Anita for your thorough insights. Will update you again on new thoughts and my progress in life.
I got to say that your replies always hit me right through the heart. This sentence, “The young child that you were did all that he could to rescue his mother from her struggles, from her despair, to make her happy. Maybe he handed her a napkin to dry her tears, maybe he handed her his favorite toy so to make her happy, maybe he did his best in school”. When I read it, it ignited past memories of me watching my mom crying again and I was trying to make her feel better. I cried really hard just now having these flashbacks.
It’s true that my heart still long for the old desires that I manifested when I was a child till now. My mom recently had a minor surgery in the hospital. I was really upset because I thought to myself. What if one day my mother leave this earth and I still couldn’t make her proud know my situation right now. I feel that I would regret if mother pass away and I couldn’t bring her to overseas to travel and take care of her. These thoughts are really affecting my life right now, pressuring myself to be successful and to be more, more and more so I can make my mother proud. It’s really tiring, so tiring Anita.
“When you attempt this or that job, be it bartending or real estate, your confidence is low, you are not motivated because you expect failure.” Does this means that I suck as these jobs not necessarily mean that I wasn’t interested but my subconscious mind tells me that I’m gonna fail anyway?
Would going into fitness my true passion on the other hand would be my heart trying to find the old desires again? I am abit confused on these parts.
Thank you so much Anita!
A little update about my life so far. I am currently working as real estate agent (REA) for about 6 months now. Previously I told you that I am gonna pursue my career in fitness and health once I saved enough money. I have always been thinking about this passion of mine even when I am working as a REA. It has been a tough journey in my current job. Initially I was pretty excited as I got to learn many new things such as marketing, property investment and also this job allowed me to really get out of my comfort zone.
The REA job is based on sales commission, so no basic salary. For the whole 6 months I only sold 1 apartment unit to my mom. I really thanked my mom for her support. However, I didn’t felt any sense of achievement as it was my mom buying it. I know she’s being supportive and also it was a good investment choice. But I just couldn’t help to feel sorry for myself deep down as the only sale I got after 6 months was from my mother. Talking about the job, I have great leaders/ mentors who are willing to put in effort and time into the people under them. I definitely learned alot from them in terms of mindset, marketing and sales related skills. I am grateful for them.
So this happened two months ago. I was reaching a point where I feel that I really tried my best in this job, but the outcome was not what I expected. For 6 months I only had 1 sale and it was from my mother and also financially I am still dependent on my parents. So basically, I felt very hopeless, useless and demotivated. I talked to my mentors about and of course they motivated me with their words of wisdom. However, the motivation did not last long and I will go into another cycle of negativity and depression.
Then one month ago, I was trying out a new marketing tactic which involves me posting live videos in facebook talking about property investment. I was advised by my mentor to do it everyday for a 30 days live video challenge. I was convinced that I can reach to more people this way through social media so that people can connect with me and I can get sales from there. I did that for 24 days and boy I did not enjoy it at all. I was forcing myself to do 1 or 2 videos a day of me talking about property investment. At 1st I was proud because I came out of my comfort zone and I did something many people would be afraid to do. However, after 24 days I got burnt out. After my last video, I laid down on my bed and I literally gasping for air. I was tired, depressed and felt useless. I felt like dying although not suicidal, wanted to call for help but figured I should just rest.
So after that I was very depressed, every night before I sleep. I would allocate 2 hours to myself in my room just listening to sad music and just cry. It became a habit for like maybe about 2 weeks. Then, sometimes I would rely on alcohol to suppress my depression. I drank half a bottle of red wine to sleep on one occasion. It was like I had this big craving for alone time for quite some time.
The breaking point came, when I counseled with one of my mentor, he told me I am doing great. It’s just that I am lazy and not proactive enough to look for more knowledge and answers from people. When he said that, it struck in my heart. I reviewed for the past 6 months what I have done. I realized, obviously that my efforts are simply not enough to create the results that I wanted. But I felt that I was really pushing myself to the limits already. And also I know deep down if I really want to do something I would do it with all my heart. But why this time is different? I was confused. Then I started battling with myself again, am I just lazy or is it I’m just not that into this job. After that, I was thinking of quitting really and I want to pursue my career as a personal trainer. After many torturous days, I decided to go for a counseling session.
I learned a lot of things about myself in the session. I told the counselor everything how I felt. I was asked if I can see myself doing this job for the next 5 years. I said no. (Honestly, I couldnt even see myself working for 1 year at my current state). I told her about my passion for fitness and how I thought of dropping everything and pursue it. She asked me if I work hard in a job i dont like vs a job I am passionate about. Which one would bring me more sense of achievement? Of course the answer was the latter. I told her, I feel guilty to my mentors and my parents because they have invested so much in me for the past 6 months and if I quit, it means I failed them. Then, I realize I have been doing things for other people again. I was like wow Romeo, good job. I’m aware after all the experiences I had that I shouldnt please others in what I do but I still do it in my current job.
I realised that I just didn’t have the drive to do this job and also I am not motivated by the money. She asked me why I didn’t have the drive? I said “I’m just not interested in it”. When I said that I felt good. I felt good because she doesnt know me and I know she wont judge me. So I got my answer there. I am just not that into this job, and I am doing this partly for other people’s expectation of me. To earn big money and be rich like all the top performers in this industry. So I am set to pursue my career in fitness after that and I am planning to take up a certification course soon.
So yes, I got my answers already. But, I still feel this tremendous sense of guilt towards my mentors who put in so much energy and time to want to see me succeed in this industry. I am still trying to find the right time and plan the right words to tell them about this. Although, I know there’s no right time to do it. This just feels like the break up again and it sucks. And another fear is that what if I enter the fitness industry and I struggle, will I feel like quitting as well. Is this a cycle or am I really doing what my heart truly wants me to do.
I need wisdom and advice from you Anita and also people in this community. Thank you! Namaste!
Indeed I agree that we need to be careful about intuition. But after going through the hardships of not listening to myself/intuition for my previous relationship. I feel like I am going through the same thing again with my job. That is why I strongly believe I should listen to this voice.
The thing is flight attendant was my passion until recently as I get to know more about myself deeply. I think this passion has caused me more harm than good in terms of emotional health. Does that make sense? Or maybe I was confused with passion and pleasing people which resulted in me liking the job. But health and fitness has always been my passion since even before flight attendant. I just did not pursue it as much due to lack of job prospects. As for now I am planning to save enough money to pursue my personal training license and see how it goes from there.
Thank you so much for taking your time and effort to refer to my previous posts. Really means alot. Your first paragraph about how my past links to my current state really touches my soul. I teared a little when I read it as it brought back the helpless feeling and my mother’s past.
You wrote “This recognition, this belonging, is the love you did not experience as a child and still don’t.” Yes, I believed I did not felt the recognition when I was a child although memories of it seemed blurry as I can’t really remember my childhood clearly. My mom right now however is totally different than she was when I was a child. My mom and dad’s debts are almost settled and they are more carefree now as we are older and more capable now. My mom has always been supportive in whatever I do and she shows more affection now. Things are getting better emotionally for my mom and dad. I told them about my decision about my job. They supported me. My mom even told me to do what I want, most importantly do not do it because of what others would think of you. So I think my childhood is what made me who I am now. Does it makes sense?
For that warm feeling and assurance, you wrote “It reminds me of the great relief you felt when you finally ended your relationship.” Yes it s the same feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. It could be my intuition talking to me? You wrote ” But then came the doubts about both, the relationship at that time (maybe still) and interview”. Well, there were doubts of course for my relationship but it was for a short while for maybe about 2 to 3 months after. But I managed to pass that stage and right now is just grieving and missing her that is all. Never thought of going back to her. As for the interview, I am not sure if it applies the same.
Thank you for your suggestions to seek professional help. I will consider it. I did considered it before but it was merely just a thought as I think I could figure it out myself with time. Thank you Anita. Would love to hear from you soon about my latest observations.
Have a nice day 🙂
It is toxic because the motivation behind the dream was to please people. Making my parents feel proud. Getting the admiration from people around me. It wasn’t purely because I’m passionate about it. And I think I didn’t take the rejections so well it’s because I was desperate for it. Desperate for my life to be back it was again. So I think this is relationship is toxic because I am depending my life on this dream. I want to love myself again and I think the right thing to do is to listen to what my heart has to say.
I’m not sure if I understand you. Are you asking me to leave my job?
I think it does make sense in a way but still I’m not sure if that’s really my core belief. How do I identify my core beliefs?
Thank you for taking your time to reanalyse all my posts. I truly appreciate your effort and energy you put in trying to help me and the people in this community. What you have stated is very clear and understandable.
How do I fight this guilt that has been implanted in my mind for many years since when I’m a child? How do I work on this internal problem?
thank you again but I don’t quite understand fully. Do you mind putting it into simpler terms?
I meant I felt the most confident before I got into a relationship, before I met my ex. It was a feeling of a sense of achievement. I believed in myself in everything that I do. I had a calm and chill vibe. After I got into a relationship, I started questioning myself, doubting myself. Stopped listening to myself and not loving myself. You know the story.
I have always associated my identity as a cabin crew. Being a cabin crew was my dream always my dream when I was a teenager. And being able to taste that dream was really an achievement for me and I always feel proud to be a cabin crew. The good feeling lasted for many years until recently. Failed interviews, job incompetency. I think the most painful part is that I am working in a customer service job, and the fact that I was an ex-cabin crew. I expected myself to perform better and I think my superior expected more of me as well. It gave me a lot of pressure and I kept beating myself up when I made silly mistakes.
I felt the most confident before I got into a relationship with my current ex. I remember feeling a sense of power. Like nothing can stop me from doing anything. I also used to be an ex cabin crew which sort of contribute to my self-esteem before this. I quit my job to pursue my studies but I have always wanted to go back to being a cabin crew. After I graduate 2 months ago, I’ve tried to apply for the job but failed. I felt lost and the only route I feel that I needed to go was bartending. If there was one word to describe myself in the past, it would be that I am a very determined person and I work hard to get what I want in life. This determination came from my transformation in the gym from being skinny to a fit guy. It made me strong, physically and mentally. But now I’m not so sure anymore.
Thank you for helping me out here again. I guess it is because of my childhood experience that made me who I am today. I tried to stay positive. I really tried to be strong and just tell myself the pain and suffering in the end will be worth it. I am still fighting this guilt for breaking up with my ex gf. I miss her and still care for her. Plus all the stress in my workplace adds more pain into my life right now.
My off days are filled with depressing thoughts of my ex and doubting myself. I cry to myself in the room at least once every week. I try to keep moving even though the pain is still there. But just recently, the pain felt so unbearable. I am not sure if this is part of the healing process. What can I do to make things better again? How do I get back to my confident self again?
i can’ t thank you enough for understanding my situation. How do I keep telling myself that it isn’t okay? Unconsciously I keep beating myself up. It’s like I have two voices in my head. Having a bit of an anxiety problem now. I’m so afraid of the rock in my heart to be back again haunting me.
thank you for the info. Learning something new everyday.