I’ve worked on helping and healing myself for 25 years. Constant therapy. On meds and off meds and different meds. I’ve been alone nearly all of my life. Few friends, never a girlfriend, sent away wheb I was very young and in and out out of inpatient treatment for my entire childhood.

I feel alone. I feel rejected. I am both of those things. Having another human being who loves, who really deeply loves me is the only thing in life I want. The thought that maybe someday I will find someone is the one and only reason I haven’t decided to kill myself. Finding real love isn’t just the only reason I have to ne alive but it is also something I should bot have to give up on. Because if I have to give up on never being loved and I have to accept I’ll never be loved then everything I fear about myself is true. I truely am unwanted abd lovable. I truely am worthless. My species and their society truely does place zero value in me and view me or otherwise views my presence as that of an outside invader. Being alone is and being unlovable is proof that I am unworthy to be alive. It ia proof that society has rejected my existence and who I am. If I can’t expect to find love and I have to admit it is simply beyond my reach because I’m not good enough for it then I’m admitting defeat and I’m admitting I’m not welcomed to be part of my species and that they have rejected my existence.

I have not given up yet. I refuse to believe I am truely unlovable. But the second I determine I will suffer alone forever I will be sure to cancel my subscription to life because I will not force myself to suffer.

I go to the meetups. I do all of the things everyone keeps suggesting. Other people have luck with these opportunities. Not me.
I’m not perpetually angry but I am in day 4 of a 4 day long panic attack that isn’t going anywhere at the moment. But I know plenty of people who are perceptually angry who have someone in their lives. I know people who are fatter and uglier than who are desirable and have love. I know people who are far crueler and angrier than I who have someone in their lives. I know people who are literally suicidal who have someone else who loves them. It is clear to me that none of the above, not being skinny, or attractive or calm or even loving yourself is in any way a prerequisite for love. So why does everyone keep insisting that it is?

The problem is not that I’m angry because angry and abusive people can find someone to love them, even though they don’t deserve it. he problem is not that I’m overweight because people far fatter than I can find someone who finds them attractive (beautiful people, at that). The problem is not that I do not love myself because people who suffer from depression and insecurities and who are suicidal are perfectly capable of finding love. I put my self out there CONSTANTLY I put in all of the leg work but it doesn’t amount to ANYTHING. There must be something else that’s deeply and grossly wrong with me. There must be something about me that’s so glaringly and obviously wrong with me that it makes me less desirable than a wife beater or someone who treats their partner like a trophy or someone who is racist or sexist or a jobless loser or ALL of those other people who are capable of finding love while I’m not. Why else would I have less luck at finding love than all of those people? All of these rules and stipulations people keep throwing around can’t only apply to me. There must be something else, something far worse and far more terrible that makes me unlovable.

If I’m better than why am I alone? Why can’t I attract someone but they can? Why are they always the superior choice to me? What’s so wrong with me that I’m incapable of finding love? If I’m better than they are I should have the same luck- no BETTER luck at finding love than they do. Heck, I should be able to actually find and nurture love rather than conning and manipulating some poor person into staying with me when they should leave.

Why can’t I do that? Why am I not good enough for anyone? My mother sent me away because I was broken, my family keeps me at arms length because they have no desire to show me compassion why am I the one who doesn’t deserve love when everyone else is so callous? Nothing in life os random. Everything has a rhyme and reason to it. Everything has a deliberate beginning and end and cause and effect. The universe is not random, it ia founded on order abd reason. Why am I alone and devoid of love if I legitimately am worthy of it? Why are people who are utterly despicable capable of attaining what I can’t? If I’m better than them reality should reflect that assessment but it doesn’t. Why?

Why won’t anyone let me love them? Why aren’t I good enough for anyone?

My answers about why I’m alone are purely conjecture but they are honest conjecture. I don’t have any of the answers. I’m taking shots in the dark because no one is yet to clearly and concisely say “John, do this and this and yo won’t be single anymore.” Everyone keeps telling me how I have all of these great qualities but they don’t do anything for me so I need to determine if they’re lying to me or if there is some other horrible aspect about myself they refuse to tell me about or they can’t see themselves.

If I’m not honest I feel I’m being denied some I deserve and unfairly judged by everyone. I feel like I have all of these great qualities but no one sees them or no one cares. I feel I as though I am good enough for most of the women I reached out to who I had an earnest interest in but for one reason or another I was rejected without being given a fair chance. That’s what I want to say. That’s what I want to feel. But as much as I want to feel that I know it is untrue.

Except no one owes it to me to give me a chance, least of all women. I’m constantly told this and I see it everywhere. I don’t assume I’m entitled to a woman’s attention at all, mind you. I’m fully aware their lack of interest is a reflection of who I am as a person. I mean how arrogant and self centered would I have to be to feel as though another human being was required to give me a chance? Am I wrong? I mean men are constantly torn apart for having the audacity and the chauvinistic arrogance to believe women owe them a conversation, a smile or anything. I have no such assumption they owe me anything. I’m ignored and rejected because it is obvious how unlovable I am.

Please, I implore you or anyone to offer me another reason why I’m ignore and alone. Be honest. Am I legitimately worthless and unlovable? Tell me so I can stop wasting my time and energy. Am I not selling myself right? Tell me and show me how to do so better. Does my OkCupid profile suck? Tell me help me rewrite it.

My answers are horrible. I want to believe that. I want to believe I am lovable. I want to believe I can find love. But reality doesn’t support these beliefs. So please help me to better interpret them. Even my therapist won’t hhelp me make sense of any of this. I don’t know what secret password I need to tell him so he’ll help me sort it out but he’s definitely not earning his pay when it comes to telling me why I’m unlovable and alone.

I just want to know how to get someone to let me love them and to love me in kind. If there’s nothing there to love… well then I need to know that for certain. If there is a something to love then I need to know how to make someone else care.

That’s really the sum of it.

It’s like everyone else speaks two languages, one verbal and empty and one hidden and dynamic. Meanwhile I speak a version of the verbal language which HAS to be more honest and meaningful because… well because it’s all have to go off of and there’s enough confusion going around withing adding my own deceit into the mix.

How do I think it impacts my ability to date? Honestly? I don’t know if it does. I’m very high functioning. I know others who are less functioning than I am and they have been in relationships. Why can can all of these other people who are depressed, anxious and have Asperger’s all all find love and not me? Fantastic question. I knew I wouldn’t be single (I would be and I wold at least know why I’m stuck this way).

How do I suspect it inhibits my ability to take? Simple. I don’t convey emotions or social cues “properly” (Yes, properly. As in I do them WRONG. Don’t patronize me, if it wasn’t wrong it wouldn’t be a disorder.) and I almost don’t pick up on them from others at all. However as other friends and acquaintances of mine who have Asperger’s I doubt this is the big thing holding me back…. if anything it’s part of a complicated cocktail of overlapping qualities that exclude me from being a viable and lovable individual.

Thank you @Authorgirl . Sadly your opinion is in the minority. If if a 10th of the people I reached out to gave me that sort of benefit of the doubt I have no doubt I’d be in a happy relationship by now. Sadly it seems I deserve no such benefit of the bout. I am alone because I deserve to be. If I didn’t deserve to be alone I wouldn’t be alone. I need to know how to become good enough to be loved or to hide whatever glaringly obvious flaw that I have that makes the idea of loving me so utterly repugnant.

I’m sorry but I’m not satisfied with these answers. I’ve learned nothing that I already didn’t know and I need answers because nothing makes sense to me.

How do I effectively communicate with people? I’m ecstatic you feel I have those skills but I don’t. Certainly not face to face. What do I tell people to make them see I’m worthy? What about me even is worthwhile? I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for nearly 25 years! I’ve been in therapy since I was 5! I’m not getting cured anytime soon. How do I make someone feel like being around me would be an enjoyably experience?

How do I make up for my obviously ill-functioning mind which isn’t defective even though it lacks the basic functions of nearly 95% of the human population? How do I communicate all of this to people? Do I hide the fact that I’m perpetually in pain and suffering because I’m alone? Do I wait another 30 years and hope I’m cured by then? Then another 30 after that? What if I actually DON’T have anything to offer another human being? For that matter, when someone says “something to offer” what do they even mean? What are you offering? What does one offer? A steady job? I have one. No one cares. Be pleasant to be around? When I’m not in the middle of one of my 3 day long panic attacks I’m told my company is quire enjoyable. Doesn’t do me any good. Emotional stability? Yeah, this’ll likely never be something I’m capable of offering another human being so if this is the lynch pin of the equation I’m basically alone forever.

See the quandary you propose, weather you realize it or not (and I’m sure you do not) is that the requirements you claim another human being has to love someone are outside of my reach. However you claim I have these qualities (even I want to believe I have these qualities). So if I have the tools and qualities needed to attract someone why am I still alone and why won’t anyone give me a chance? Do I not meet the requirements to be loved? You said everyone deserves to be loved but then you said if I have nothing of value to offer no one will want to be with me. Well I wouldn’t be with someone if I didn’t love them so what I hear is “No one will live you because you lack these qualities”. Maybe that’s not what you meant to say but it’s what I’ve heard. It’s what I keep hearing. I hear it from everyone. Constantly.

When you break all the advice down to it’s smallest minutia the message being conveyed is “No one will love you because you do not have the qualities other people value”. That’s what I hear. And they disguise it. Like, they can’t just look me in the eye and say “John, listen. No one will ever love you. You’re worthless and have nothing to offer. You don’t deserve love.” At least I would respect their honesty. If that was the answer I got from the very beginning I would’ve given up a long, long time ago. Instead they bury the truth behind empty platitudes. Something like “If a person doesn’t feel the promise of some good feeling about being with you, the person will not be motivated to be with you.” which basically translates to “people don’t like being around you, that’s why you’re alone” which translates to “The person you are is unlovable”.

At this point in the game I should’ve had some luck. I should’ve gone on a date or two, been dumped and been able to try again. But, no. It’s that obvious, so utterly and GLARINGLY obvious to everyone how utterly unlovable and worthless I am. I need to know how to make people think I’m not a worthless and unlovable waste of flesh. To me it makes perfect sense: I have nothing of value to offer ergo I’m alone. I’m not a bad person, I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I hurt every single day and nothing makes it stop.

I’m scared and I’m alone and no one seems to be able to offer me the advice I need. This isn’t some faulty wiring in my head I have a real and honest deficiency in my life that I can not resolve. I need a salutation to my problem, not empty platitudes. No one wants to tell me what I need to do, step by step, to make another person see my worth and fall in love with me. So if you won’t or can’t offer me that hope that’s fine. It’s nothing new, either. No one really wants to help me. Everyone seems content knowing I’m alone. It seems to be the way it’s meant to be. No one will give me a chance and no one wants to offer me any advice. I’m meant to be alone and I’m meant to be unloved and the sooner I accept that fact I can learn to lie to myself about how happy I am.

My father cared about be immensely. I felt like he was the only person who loved me unconditionally. I watched him slow wither away from cancer. I was the only one who was beside him when he breathed his last breath. When he passed my brother went home to his wife. My sister when home to her fiance. My mother went home to her house. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I was left alone. Like always. I had no one and one one offered to stay.

The gasp my father let lose after passing was like a funeral bell that not only signified the end of his life by the end of my own joy. Finally I was truly alone. Attempts to reach out to my family failed repeatedly. When ignoring me was no longer enough they sent me away to be treated once again, because they could not be bothered to be there for me and show me empathy or compassion themselves. That’s how they deal with my pain. That’s always how they’ve dealt with my pain. Whatever desires I have or deficiencies in my life I want to resolves are irrelevant to them. To them, all of my problems are in my head and need to be “cured”. The problem isn’t that I’m alone it’s that I care that I’m alone or place too much value on companionship. The problem isn’t that my life lacks fulfillment but rather it’s that I FEEL unfulfilled and the salutation isn’t to find fulfillment but to cure myself of the notion that I need or deserve fulfillment. My problems are never real problems with real solutions to them because early in my life they earned with a word, with a call they can send me away and trivialize me suffering.

But not my father. He would listen to my concerns. He would give me advice and encourage me to never give up but would accept me even when I felt like I wanted to. He was always against the perpetual inpatient treatment I had forced upon me. Neither he nor my mother ever said so but I know it contributed to their divorce. When I would speak to my father about of my history of treatment it was not uncommon for the subject to somehow gravitate towards my parent’s divorce. He loved me very dearly and he accepted me. I no longer have that in my life.

I don’t expect my family to change. I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. I wash my hands clean of them. They are who they are and if they were capable of changing they would have done so by now. I accept that. All I ever needed in my life was a single person who loves me unconditionally. Who loves me for who I am and who sees the good in me. I want to make that happen. I need to. I need someone to love. I need that purpose. I took care of my father to his dying breath and he took care of me. I want to be loved again. I want to have a family. I don’t want to grow old and die alone.

I have a deep and real need to be loved and I want to know how to make someone else love me. I want to know how to make them see whatever value I have in side of me. I know SOMETHING of value must reside inside of me. But that spark isn’t good enough for anyone. My I’m not good enough for anyone. I want to be good enough to be loved by someone else. I want to be good enough for another human being to spend a portion of their life with me. Anyone can do it, and indeed I’ve seen this for myself. People keep saying I deserve love. Words are meaningless, especially when there is no evidence to support it. If I deserve love why can’t I be loved? Why can Billy Bob Beater keep finding someone to marry after his next divorce but I can’t find a single human being who will even give me a chance? If I truly deserve to be loved then why aren’t I? However you word it or twist the semantics of it I want to know: “How do I make someone to love me?” “How do I find someone who will fall in love with me?” WHATEVER pointless semantics I need to sue when phrasing my question where the end result is that another human being allows me to love them and loves me in kind. That’s all I care about.