Hi TT,

I agree with what creative cat has said! I think you are in a pickle here and need to figure out a game plan for yourself going forward. I think you should absolutely consider going to counseling even if you just go by yourself. Going by yourself is still incredibly helpful and important, you can learn a lot about how to consider your own reactions and emotions and what you want.

I would also suggest that you try to think constructively about a way to communicate how you are feeling with your husband. Clearly you guys are not able to resolve this issue the way you have been dealing with it. I would try something new. Maybe ask him to sit down with you and have a structured conversation, with some rules – you get to talk first, he just listens. When you finish, he paraphrases what you’ve said back to you and then he talks and you listen. Something like that.
Or you could try emailing him or writing a letter! I know people think this is weird but I actually find I can think much better when I do this. Then can he read it when he isnt with you and have the time he needs to respond emotionally and think about it before he gets back to you.

I think what you should focus on is
1. telling him WHY him spending time with this woman bothers you – that its the intimate things they do together, go shopping, spend all night together, etc. Tell him that what upsets you is not that the two of them are friends, but it is that you feel like he is emotionally close with HER and not with YOU! What you want, I’m guessing, is not for them to not be friends or to control his friendships, but for the two of YOU to feel close again, and you feel like she is distracting him from that. He is right now investing all his emotional energy into her, and not you. The goal is for the two of you to feel good about one another again. If you both feel happy with your relationship, then perhaps you might not even feel threatened by their friendship, and he frankly may not even be as interested in spending so much time with her.
2. Asking for some modifications about his behavior. If he has to keep working with her because of this work project, then not seeing her anymore isnt an option. But he can probably text you a few times through the night to say hello while he is with her. Or call you to say hi. You could ask him to spend less walks and coffee breaks together. If he still wants to be in your marriage, it is very reasonable for him to make some accommodations so that you don’t feel so uncomfortable with his behavior. Try to come up with a few reasonable things you can ask him that wouldn’t be too hard for him to agree to.
3. You should try to think of constructive ways the two of you can spend time together. Ask him to go for walks with you (and your daughter! That might be nice) and go to the store with you. You can also be creative if you guys are always fighting when you are together – you can play a board game together so you have something to talk about, or make a rule that you wont’ talk about his work or her. Think about it like putting coins in a piggy bank – every good evening or time spent together is one coin dropped in a bank of affection and trust.

Hi Free Moon,
So I think I’ve been in a very similar situation as  you are in, with my ex. He also had a female friend who made me uncomfortable in a lot of the same ways, and I struggled with what I should do about my feelings. Anyway, I tried to just put them aside and not worry about it too much. I talked to him a little bit and he reassured me everything was fine and that he’d stop letting her be so flirty with him. Anyway, fast forward a few months and they end up hooking up together and like having a whole… emotional affair while I’m abroad. Yeah. Lots of fun.
Anyway, your boyfriend is not my ex and obviously none of us here can predict what is going to happen in the future. All you can do is decide how you want to proceed with these feelings that you have, and I think you looking for feedback here is really good! What I would say, though, is don’t ignore your gut. If something consistently feels off when she’s around, then I wouldn’t ignore it. I think talking to your boyfriend is a good step and honestly, I would be a little less afraid to tell him how you feel. I don’t think you’re at risk of being the Crazy Girlfriend and trying to get him to have no female friends. You definitely have a right to tell him how you’re feeling and make reasonable requests of him – having him stop doing the pet name thing is a totally reasonable request. You can also request that he let you know if/when they’re spending alone time together. “Like, hi Free Moon, I just wanted to let you know that Sarah and I are going out for a quick drink after work today to catch up. I’ll give you a call this evening when I’m heading home.” That’s totally reasonable. And then he can give you a call later and you can ask how it went and he’ll let you know. And just keep in mind, these aren’t demands of him – you’re asking him to do things that are relatively easy for him to do that will make you feel more comfy and happy. If he wants you to feel that way, which he should, then he won’t mind.

The other thing you can do, if you want to, is talk to her. Now this obviously is a little more nerve-wracking and it depends on the kind of relationship you guys have and what kind of a person you think she is. I would have been very nervous to tell my ex’s friend anything because I knew she just wouldn’t care. But maybe this girl would, if she actually considers you a friend, I don’t know. But anyway, it is totally not unreasonable to tell her that the way that she interacts with your BF makes you feel kind of weird. And it’s not for any particular reason and it’s not her fault or anything. You can let her know very clearly what you’ve told us, which is that you respect their friendship a lot and you don’t want to infringe on that. But you can ask her to like tone down the flirtyness, especially in front of you. Again, it’s a request – you can say that you just think you would feel more comfortable if you weren’t quite so flirty (or physical, whatever) with one another when you are there. And then, hopefully, she would probably be like oh yeah, I totally get it, I just do that because that’s kind of the way we’ve always expressed our friendship, but yeah I can definitely tone that down a little bit.

I say this only because I actually am also currently on the “friend” side of this equation – one of my best friends is a guy I dated for like a month in high school, and he’s always been very huggy and cuddly and physical with me, we had this running joke where he called me his wife, etc. Zero romantic interest, just a lot of platonic love. Anyway, he just got a more serious girlfriend and I’ve been like hmm, I hope she’s okay with him like picking me up off the ground with hugs…! But anyway, if it were bothering her, I would want her to tell me.

Hi Fysh – I am also dating a guy who watches a lot of porn (well, hopefully still dating, check ‘relationship break?’). I’m 22. For various reasons, my libido had been low for 2 out of our three years of dating. He, on the other hand, had a very strong sex drive. I don’t know if this will help you at all, but from what I am reading, it doesn’t sound like he has a problem watching porn. I agree with Matt, it sounds as if you are the one who is having the problem. If he has a good social life and is generally happy, I doubt his interest in porn is anywhere near an addiction. I don’t mean to make you upset. My boyfriend watched porn probably at least once a day, and that had never bothered me. It just meant that he was horny and wanted to do something about it, and I (the obvious first choice) wasn’t around.

Is your boyfriend sexually attracted to you? Do you feel like he thinks you’re beautiful, that you’re sexy? If so, then you have nothing to worry about from any girls in porn…
The only thing I can compare it to is have you ever read any books with steamy scenes that you like? I don’t mean like real erotica, but like even regular novels with steamy scenes that got you going. That’s something that I have always enjoyed, and just because I think one of the characters I am reading about is totally sexy and hot and I would love to be in that gal’s place, doesn’t really affect my feelings for my boyfriend at all. Just another way to think about it.

As for the humiliating vs. awesome thing… I think the majority of popular porn is made for the male gaze and can perpetuate male dominance, etc. However. I also think a lot of popular music is like that, but it doesn’t stop me from enjoying a good song. Porn is a great way for people to get turned on and have a good time. It also totally perpetuates the male hierarchy. I think you just kind of have to accept it for what it is. You don’t have to like it!

My thought is that you should really sit down with your boyfriend and try to talk honestly. He seems like he is interested in obliging you, even if he’s not exactly doing what you want. Sit down and talk to him. Ask him why he watches porn, what it means to him. Ask him if he feels like you aren’t enough for him. Does he think you’re sexy and beautiful? Does he compare you to those girls? Try to listen really honestly and understand how he feels. My personal experience with guys is that most guys I know rely on porn as a way to curb their sexual appetite. I think it would be hard to get him to stop doing it. Since you’re the one who feels confused about it, try to listen honestly from his perspective. Who knows – hopefully, he will tell you how he feels about it and you might be able to see it as just something he does rather than a form of cheating on you.

Good luck!

Hi Barbs – it sounds like you guys are in a real rut. You really want to be able to sit down with him and have an honest conversation, try to start things anew. Right now, it doesn’t seem like he wants that. I don’t think there’s any point trying to understand what that means, other than that it’s not what he wants right now. If he’s not interested in coming to the table and putting his cards down with you, then you can’t make him.
It sounds like you both need a little time to cool down and look to yourselves. Give him some space and then ask him if he wants to meet with you, and that you want to have an honest conversation with him about your relationship. If that sounds frightening, you can assure him that you have no motive for the conversation other than to be honest with each other.

Also – if he stays not interested and doesn’t seem like this is what he wants, then maybe try to gracefully move on. It doesn’t have to be a big flaming fireworks ordeal, but start focusing more on yourself and less on him. If he decides he wants to talk to you again, then you can decide if you want to talk to him, or if maybe this guy’s not really the right one for you. And that’s his fault, not yours!