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XenopusTex

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Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 249 total)
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  • in reply to: Scratching head #108174
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Could do coffee or lunch, assuming that I run into her again. In any event, she seemed more interested in a law student who was interning than me, so, eh… Don’t fully understand, but he is obviously younger than I am.

    Have also discovered that I really have a happiness problem. Found a book called learned optimism. Will have to read it.

    in reply to: Toxic Parents? Let it go #108089
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    One thing I have learned from what I do for a living is that people who engage in abusive behavior tend to blame, etc. their targets. No surprise that you’d get that type of response.

    I made the mistake of tryihg to help toxic family and learned that the person will only change when they are ready

    in reply to: Scratching head #108088
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I hear you about changing living situation.

    I don’t like to discuss finances when contemplating a relationship. However, my salary is at least public record, so not like I can keep that secret. I know how some folks advertise their status, but that’s just not me. Heck, I still drive the 2009 Camry I bought back when I started this position.

    Feels a bit strange to even contemplate such an age difference. Was refreshing to see somebody who seemed to have a sense of direction.

    in reply to: I'm lost. Don't know how to move on. #107995
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I am, by no means, an expert. However, it seems that you associate time apart with your bf with him possibly spending time with someone else. As someone who is fiercely loyal, I would be insulted by the inquisition that would likely occur after such events. Can’t imagine that I would be the only one who wouldn’t appreciate the insinuation. Of course, the question is… why the jealous possessiveness?

    The truth is, nobody will be able to spend all of their time with you.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107982
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    She worked in a city about 40 miles from where I grew up. Would see her mostly on weekends. Would travel sometimes, mostly to IL and MN area. She tends to think that men are inherently unreliable, etc.

    She and my father divorced way, way back when. Did not know much about him, other than some periodic contacts. Usually I didn’t go to the right college, right law school, take the right job, etc.. He had come into money shortly before he died, and based on stuff I found after he died, was working on more-or-less disinheriting me, but like many people in the family, never got around to things. He did not approve of my job, and so was going to put a will together leaving his estate to other family members. His family didn’t appreciate the result.

    I guess one of the issues I feel is that I don’t exactly know the best course of action. I want to distance myself from the current situation. Just not sure whether I should just seek out a new place for myself or get her to move.

    Still trying to make myself believe that there is someone out there for me. Also making myself meet people and go to social events. Struck up a conversation with a smart and educated woman this week, to me, she was drop-dead attractive. Bad thing is, she is about 13 years younger than I am. At least I am meeting people I guess.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107911
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I have a business trip this week that’s a four-hour one-way drive. Down to the state capital. Kind of a bit nervous, for the first time I am asking myself the question: what if I don’t want to come back? But, then I ask myself if that would just be foolishness. I make about 75% more per year than a comparable position down there.

    Also just incredibly tired. Joyless times are miserable. I wish I could sincerely believe that there was somebody for me. I need to get better at positive expectations, but I run into what appears to be reality. When things were going well with that gal, I felt better than I have in years, hell decades.

    Working on how to market stability, loyalty, and fidelity into a sellable package. Also working on figuring out how to show my soft side without looking stupid, desperate, etc.

    I have a strong tendency to be negative and am working on curbing that too. That is probably not conducive to relationships. Being exposed daily from multiple sources doesn’t particularly help.

    One thing I can’t figure out is why has stuff in general gone to hell in a handbasket since I tried to help my mother out with housing? Get up in the morning to some negative comment about the news, sometimes get hit with negative comments about stuff when I get home. Get crap about how men suck, etc. at times too. Feel like I have an albatross around my neck and not sure how to get rid of it. Every aspect of life has gotten worse, even things that shouldn’t be that connected such as finances. People think strangely if you live with parents at middle age, probably not a seller in the dating market. Add to that being single, and having a firearm collection, and, well, yeah… Not really socially acceptable to toss her out either. Maybe I should move, would suck financially though. So, really feeling stuck by my own stupidity of believing that somehow something would actually get done.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107822
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Maybe. It is a combination of intense depression, loneliness, and anxiety. Just feel so stupid for my approach to things at times. A lot of anxiety about the future: will changes actually mean anything; does believing in a potentially better future make it more likely; etc.

    Put time in on introspection, etc., over the weekend and wondering if the pain, tears, and anxiety were really worth it, especially when looking at all of the other obligations piling up at work.

    Find myself asking, even professionally, will changes make a difference?

    Display such an image of crassness and hostility at times that I don’t think people can see anything but that. I get lied to so often in work, etc., that I wind up being cynical to just about everybody. Also tend to be aggressive in handling things. Lots of opportunities lost with that combination.

    Struggling with visualizing a better outcome so to speak. Can’t seem to get to the point of even hinting at a soft-side in a relationship. Maybe I just don’t know how at this point. Though industriousness, loyalty, and fidelity don’t seem to be that saleable.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107763
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Understand the swollen in regret thing. Some truly terrible pain. I have broken all bones in a knee, had a root canal without sufficient novacaine, etc., and have never experienced any physical pain like the emotional pain of this.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107695
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Working on the “waking up” thing. The challenge is that my contacts collection is rather limited. Kind of like realizing that your entire outlook on things may be wrong, and you are living on a figurative island.

    Kind of amazing and yet depressing to look back at things. Terrible sense of mourning. Not so much missed fiscal opportunities, but personal ones.

    For about 2 decades, I have wasted lots of things with a crabby attitude, irritability, hostility, etc. Still trying to figure out why I apply the porcupine approach to just about everybody, even people I would love to have a relationship with.

    I also don’t understand what triggered this what the heck is wrong with my life question, and why did it take so log to get here. Maybe stress from work, maybe it was losing somebody I truly cared for, maybe it was everything together. Would have been great if I had gotten to this point before about half my life was gone.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107673
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    North Dakota is a beautiful state, but it does lack some things. The further West you go, the less there is. Heck, have a ~240 mile one-way trip just to get to me dermatologist.

    Just watched a lot of disfunctionality; verbal abuse, manipulation, some physical abuse, etc. Several members of the family I could observe just never could seem to get/keep things together.

    I had decided to just let things kind of die out with me. Why let they craziness continue on to another generation. Never much took part in a lot of social events because just didn’t feel like I belonged.

    Now, when looking at my beliefs and trying to evaluate them, kind of scares me to think that I may have wasted so many years.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107609
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Gah, don’t know why as a nearly 40 year old person, have been getting hit with anxiety attacks and crushing depression between this and other things. It’s as if everything is imploding and collapsing. Embarrassing to feel like crying while at the same time feeling constantly on edge.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107586
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You are right. I was promised that she would be moved out in less than a year. That was November of 2014. I have come to realize that people basically lie about things, most things: I don’t see many options other than for me to move and take on another mortgage.

    Crap like this is one of th reasons why I just don’t thing I will ever find a significant other. Why would I want to sign up for more of this crap from someone on a longer term basis?

    in reply to: Scratching head #107528
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    To Anita, we don’t really have psychotherapists out in my neck of the woods. I know, one of my jobs as a prosecutor is to do mental health paperwork, and there is basically within an appx. 120 mile radius. We are kind of primitive out here.

    You are probably right. I tend to avoid situations because I don’t really trust myself to do better than how my family worked. I had moved about 2,600 miles away from home, then helped my mother out with a supposedly temporary place to live. Now, I am wondering if I should just move to a new house.

    This town is pretty small. Not sure how well it would go even if I was successful in opening up. reputations tend to stick in smaller towns.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107524
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I kind of feel like a complete JA for not thinking about the various angle.

    Not 100% sure where fear would come from on the other side; maybe the unknown, maybe my broadcast lack of empathy. Isn’t really even a full unknown. Maybe from me previously giving some butt chewings to their office.

    I will have to give her time and space. Learning by a painful experience is annoying though. Just hope that she hasn’t had to experience the same level of pain. I also hope that wherever her life’s journey takes her, she finds whatever happiness she is seeking.

    in reply to: Scratching head #107496
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Scenario: intelligent woman with undergrad degree for a prestigious university, witty and a bit quirky with a very dry almost English/European sense of humor.

    I have thought about the different angles thing. Had forgotten that I live in an area where men outnumber women by a lot, and they really tend to be interested in getting in people’s pants.

    The problem is, I don’t think of “dating” as seeing how fast one can hookup. While I am not quite 40, I grew up in a very conservative area, and was mostly raised by my grandparents who were of a very conservative era. Went to undergrad/grad school at a very conservative (for a university) institution in the South. My idea of “dating” involves more courtship than what seems to be today.

    However, I avoided dating simply because I had observed dynamics in the family that I didn’t want to repeat. Decades of that mindset let me to shun social events, etc. I put work first, and while I have become far more financially successful than anyone in my immediate family, I became socially inept.

    Plus, I tend to be a blunt instrument. Finesse tends to not be a strongpoint. The old line when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail kind of applies. If I like something, I say so and if I don’t, I say so. Perhaps I was a bit hasty in expressing that I liked her, which she probably interpreted as me just being after sex. The ironic thing is, I am blunt enough that if I were truly after sex, I would ask. Heck, I have been celibate for almost 40 years, a period of courtship is nothing.

    I also thought too that there could be an issues with whether or not she could date me due to the intersections with our careers. Though it would have been nice to know if that was he concern.

    I know that she had a recent ex. They had been in a live-in relationship. He and I have some similar interests, and I am wondering if that triggered bad memories. I don’t know what happened, but guessing it was ugly.

    After me asking her to date, she has really withdrawn from her co-workers and myself in general. I have seen her cross the street to avoid contact with people, and she seems to rush right back home to the tiny place she is trying to refurbish. It is tiny home from the 1950’s and I had warned her about putting more into it than she would ever get out. Now thinking that may have been a land mine.

    Earlier this week, she approached me about some gardening stuff and wanted to meet later and Thursday she decided to come to my office with a non-urgent question and talk. Then, when I emailed her about how her house project was going I got no replies. When I was talking with a group of her coworkers after hours, she went to the other side of the street. I don’t get that at all.

    Assuming that any ethical issues could be resolved, thoughts on whether this will ever develop into anything? I deeply regret not starting with lesser “interests” first to work on social skills instead of going for the gold with “tin” skills. Where I live, finding a combination of education, intelligence, etc. among single women is rare. Feels like I squandered a great opportunity. There is the somewhat cynical school of thought on people changing beliefs only when the pain of not changing exceeds the pain of changing. I had gotten used to the low-level pain of being perpetually single due to beliefs I had about relationships. Work could cover it up, and I put in nasty hours.

    I developed a reputation for being a tough, hard-nosed prosecutor who specialized in non-victim crimes (except homicides). I made it plain that I was not particularly empathetic, etc. While it was nice to go into court and get an oh expletive reaction from defendants and their sob-stories, I did not realize just how scary the absence of empathy can be to people. Eventually, I failed to heed the warning about fighting monsters, and got to the point where I had convinced myself that I really did lack empathy. My reputation I am sure spread. I had never thought about any negative consequences of such a reputation.

    However, this situation was a pain I had never felt before, I couldn’t cover it with work like I did with the death of my father. It was a combination of grief and a realization that as I was nearing mid-life, I couldn’t even keep a relationship going past two lunch dates. Even now about one month out I still sometimes cry thinking about it.

    So, I started looking into such things as emotional intelligence. I learned that the perception of a lack of empathy is a big red flag in relationships. I took a look, and thought about my reactions to certain things and realized that maybe I do have empathy at some level. Sadly, a bit late.

    At one point, there was something between us; I now recognize some of the cues that I had missed and we used to talk about things.

    Can’t go back have a do-over, but is this salvagable or is it well and truly dead?

Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 249 total)