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XenopusTex

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Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 249 total)
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  • in reply to: Scratching head #109268
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You are right. I should apply the blunt force side of me to just sever the matter. Still hurts though. For the first time in a decade, I thought I had found a match. Was prepared to give fully of myself, time, and resources. Feel like I am an idiot for letting my self get blinded by the deep feelings I had for her. Kind of scares the hell out of me. At least the relationship did not reach the physical stage.

    As I am trying to improve emotional awareness and insight, have been trying to figure out the why behind such behavior. Is it a sense of power to jerk people around emotionally to get something from them? Ultimately, it seems like a losing strategy. People get tired of it. Even people naive to such things get tired of it.

    Right now, she’s in her early 30’s and cute and svelte. She would turn a few heads walking into a room. Would probably have no trouble finding somebody who would shack up with her in exchange for working on projects, etc. however, she’s not always going to be young, cute, and svelte.

    Why would somebody choose manipulation and games over a relationship? Of course, maybe I am just too much to put up with… But, seriously, apparently not just me. Is it fear of commitment? Is it some species of sadism where people get their kicks out of playing emotional games with people who care?

    Seems like such a self-defeating behavior. Yes, you may get something out of the other person, but at what cost? Some people, like me, just walk away hurt and asking why choose so little as opposed to so much. Other people have far nastier responses, the least of which is beating the snot out of someone.

    in reply to: Scratching head #109177
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Bah, thought I had posted but apparently didn’t. Learned more about that woman, she apparently had been using the guy too. She knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere but she kept him strung along to get stuff done with her house.

    Kind of think that is why the on/off approach to me. Noticed a trend of her being friendly, dressing and acting somewhat provocatively toward me being followed by wanting something. My gut is telling me that she knows I still have feelings for her, and she is trying to manipulate that.

    So, how do you fully pull the plug on somebody who you truly care deeply about? This is where empathy really sucks.

    Had not pursued more self-work this week on emotional intelligence. Got wrapped up in the press of work. It is so easy to fall back into old patterns.

    I thank you all for your support and ideas on this forum 🙂

    in reply to: Scratching head #108757
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Today, I sat down and put a listing together of the things that I was looking for in a significant other. Also put a list of things together that I would probably need to do, be, or change.

    Took a look at myself and came to the conclusion that I still have a lot to work on in terms of attitude and outlook. Have been working on being happier and more optimistic. I smile more than I used to. Though, has been very challenging lately due to job issues.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108704
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I guess that you could say it is both. You see all sorts of strange bipedal organisms out here. Quality professional women are very rare out here. The town has a really bad reputation. We don’t attract many professionals of either sex, but quality women seem to really be scared of it out here.

    Next as a public sector attorney, there are some practical considerations. That gal who lit up when she saw me (despite me not looking me best that day) and who I was interested in, turned out to be with the press out here… Sigh. Went from feeling great about possibly starting an acquaintanceship to walking away feeling really depressed.

    Having a hard time believing that this woman is out there, or at least out here. I see couples wandering around and ask myself, how the heck did they ever find each other?

    Then, not sure that even if I did find that one woman, she’d be interested. Sort of that glasses wearing geek. Not flashy. Not terribly adventurous. Men in my family grey early, and the stress of the job certainly doesn’t help with that. From a physically attractive standpoint, I ain’t it.

    Not sure how to communicate things like honesty, fidelity, etc. without sounding/looking silly, or sounding like the stuff that probably gets told on a daily basis. Surely, there has to be some value in a woman not having to worry about whether or not her partner is faithful. In not having to worry about what her partner may be bringing home. The thing is, communicating it so that it is believed by the other side.

    One of the things that I have been doing is making myself go out and interact with others each day. Have been getting better at social interactions.

    Interesting take on belief. I believe in how nature functions, at many levels. That belief stops when I look at humans. We aren’t like most other things in nature.

    Overall, guess it’s both. Would absolutely love to have a relationship in my life by the end of August. what is the best way to replace a belief that it ain’t never got to happen with a belief that this is possible?

    in reply to: Scratching head #108692
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Trying to figure out how people have faith that they will find a suitable partner. My birthday is coming up in late August. I would absolutely love to be in some sort of relationship at that point. The thing is, that doesn’t feel like typical goal stuff.

    I don’t really have much faith, in either a higher power or in humanity. Started out Methodist, now pretty much a nihilist atheist. Particularly in the realm of moral nihilism. Kind of strange given what I do.

    I so want to believe that there is somebody for me out there. Right now, there are few things more important to me than finding that special someone. Live in a town where men out number women on a stupid scale. Anyone of any quality, assuming they are not terrified to come out here, gets snapped up pretty fast. My qualities are inner, not much to talk about outerwise.

    So, how does one develop faith in good outcomes in this are?

    in reply to: Scratching head #108630
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I guess part of the thing is that I just feel so awkward and silly. Working on trying to have more finesse. Wish I could approach this with the confidence of what I do for a living. Concepts such as belief and faith in an outcome in this area are somewhat alien to me.

    Feels silly to have something as simple as a woman smiling invoke emotions of wellbeing and happiness. Smiles can be easily faked. From a logical standpoint, I can’t really make sense of it. Maybe it is partly me oriignally, and ma Be it is partly experiences from the job, but emotions and facial expressions can be faked to manipulate people. Generally, when I see somebody smile, I ask myself what do they want.

    I don’t get the disconnect between the side of me that sees displays of emotion as gamesmanship and the side of the that wanted to spend time with that one gal who lit up when I looked at her from across the room and struck up a conversation with me.

    Between the part of me thinking that this is BS of some form, and the part of me that wanted to experience more time with her. And, no it wasn’t just a sexual affection thing; she did look great, but more than that. She could have worn sackcloth instead of the blouse and skirt, and it would of not have mattered. The feeling was amazing, but depressing when it goes. There was a feeling of connection without saying anything. Then I learned that her career and my career would probably mean a conflict.

    Is this feeling of wholeness and oneness what I have been depriving myself of all these years?

    I remember growing up that I was considered an imposition on people. Perhaps that is part of why I frequently have this deep seated sense of loneliness that is nearly unshakeable at times.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108616
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Went out and toured an outdoor event today. Was surprised at being able to get people to smile back. So used to other reactIons that such is foreign. Not sure why, but getting a woman to smile back invokes almost a feeling of well being.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108574
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You are also right about sometimes winding up going back to sleep. Found myself back in the office a lot, and back to generally feeling crabby, joyless, and not responding well to people. Being aware of things is much harder than many other tasks.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108542
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You are right. I seem to find women I am attracted to, but aren’t really available. Struck up a conversation with an intelligent and beautiful woman today, only to learn that due to the nature of our jobs, it wouldn’t work. Sigh… So hard to find those attributes out here. She lit up and and smiled just looking at me, and was immediately ready to talk. Never had that reaction from a woman before. Is that what is supposed to happen?

    in reply to: Scratching head #108531
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Sorry for so long to write back. Been busy.
    I learned more about the gal I had been considering. She had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy who wanted to enter into a bigamous relationship. At the time, she did not know of the wife and family back home. She also hadn’t know at the time that he had cheated on her with a local woman. I remember her talking about not liking the philosophy of the locals about relationships/families being man and woman. Wondering if she is kind of giving up on men.

    Long story short, I think that there are a lot of issues. Pretty obvious that she got used for sex. This does explain a great deal of her apparent beliefs. She has become extremely moody and depressed after the whole asking to date thing.

    Will look back more at my posts.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108401
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I will re-read the posts, and comment after.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108307
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I wish I could remember those details. Not trying to be difficult, but I just can’t.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108303
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Was lunch. Had exchanged phone numbers. I had asked that if we could ethically date given our professions, would she be interested. I don’t do the dinner thing. People sometimes have additional concerns/expectations in that scenario.

    I had been asking about what she looked for in people, etc. Dhe had referenced liking museums and I had suggested a Canadian city about 180 miles North of here. She expressed in making a weekend trip up there with me.

    When asked about dating, she said that she had just gotten out of a relationship and needed time.

    Since then have had a bunch of mixed messages. She will avoid me at times and then ask questions. She showed up in my office one day in an amazing blouse and thigh-length skirt combo and striking poses while we were talking. It was absolutely to die for. The next day cold as ice. Later she was all chatty, interactive, etc. while wearing a black and white thin strap low neck-line body conforming dress. Next day cold as ice. Back and forth and back and forth stuff.

    Like I said, just don’t get people.

    Working my way through the learned optimism book. Experimenting with meeting people. At least I got to two lunches with the on/off gal, so far have been stood up by the most recent gal I asked to lunch.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108253
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Mostly a sense of duty and obligation. I had a job to do. People were counting on me. Joyless existence or not, there was a task to complete. That got me through a lot.

    in reply to: Scratching head #108244
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    You have a pretty good handle on some of it. Not really even sure what happiness looks like anymore. Closest I can imagine is the state where I felt great and actually wanted to get up in the morning while things were going well with that gal.

    Get lied to quite a bit on the job. Not just defendants, but attorneys as well. Simply stated, tend to not trust people.

    To a certain extent, my grandfather and my father were similar. I went to the wrong schools, etc. My last contact with my grandfather was in a nursing facility where he yelled at me and accused me of being worthless. He died a few days later, interestingly, he was so problematic that I think the staff waited for some hours to even check. He tended to be verbally abusive and could be physically abusive to my grandmother. They were from a generation that didn’t get divorced. He was, despite bragging about things, not very astute. Her adoptive father was a very well-to-do gentleman farmer in Illionis who had offered to buy up tracts of quality land down in Florida to provide investments for them. My grandfather didn’t want to be indebted to him (ironically, my great grandfather would probably never have missed the money). Needless to say, bad call.

    Had some serious stumbling early on in my working life. Looking back on things, I can see that my problematic people skills really hurt in academia and the workforce. Needless to say, I did not make the most of going to an excellent undergrad/grad school.

    Have been reading that book on learned optimism. Never realized how much a lack of a sense of control over one’s life can really mess with you.

    Kind of turned to work as a means to get successes, and, it would seem, to hide from other issues. The sad thing is, I don’t really get joy from the successes there anymore. Come to think of it, life is pretty much devoid of joy.

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 249 total)