“Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” ~Steve Mariboli
While preparing today’s reader-submitted post about Spring-cleaning, I started to think about my collection of old journals, which I wrote from age twelve through twenty-one.
Many of these are depressing. They paint a picture of a sad, lost little girl who struggled with self-esteem and chose a number of self-destructive habits to cope with overwhelming pain.
On many occasions, I’ve considered burning these to symbolize transformation, but a part of me always resists.
On some level, I see these as badges of honor. They’re reminders of who I used to be and how much I’ve overcome and grown.
But I wonder sometimes if it would serve me better to acknowledge my current strength without needing to compare it to former weakness.
For years, whenever I met someone new, I told them my whole life story, as if to say, “When you judge me, as I know you will, keep in mind how far I’ve come!”
Perhaps I keep these journals because on some level, I say the same thing to myself.
That stack of old books on my shelf may seem insignificant—and it may seem unnecessary to analyze why I’ve chosen to keep them—but I believe the things we hold onto speak volumes about where we may be subconsciously stuck.
And the attachments we form can give us insight into how we can set ourselves free—if, that is, we’re willing to peel back the layers of our motivations.
Sometimes we hold onto things simply because we want to appreciate, enjoy, or honor those memories. But other times, they tether us to the past and serve as physical representations of the limiting stories we tell ourselves.
It’s not the stuff that carries an emotional charge; it’s the meaning we give it.
It’s not holding onto stuff that weighs us down; it’s how we think about it.
That box of old letters from an ex can be a trove of happy memories, or it can be a reminder of what you fear you may never have again. The difference is literally all in our heads.
I haven’t committed to getting rid of those journals, but I have started exploring my purpose in keeping them to ensure it empowers me instead of limiting me.
What stuff and stories are you holding onto—and why?
Photo by AlicePopkorn
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
My husband and I are moving abroad. I’ve thrown out old journals, pictures of times I’d rather forget, and most things that represent who I was, not who I am. I’m holding onto heirloom and antique furniture, select cards from family and friends, and only the clothes I am bringing to Europe. I am selling some nicer things that I’m not bringing like my bikes, mid century furniture, and some books. I’m hoping to return from Europe successful, with room for all of my new experiences. I dont want to store mediocre items, because I’m afraid my subconscious will also store those things and hold me captive to the past.
Sounds like you have a wonderful adventure ahead of you! I’m sure it’s a liberating feeling to unload so many possessions and make room for the new. I’m excited for you. =)
I understand the part as u feel you need to tell everyone your life story I do that to hide away so they can’t judge me because I’ve been through this or done that, I also have letters from ex’s and journals from my past I haven’t been able to burn them yet but I know deep down I want rid of them!
I really enjoyed this post. It has definitely made me want to think about some of the stuff I’ve held onto and my reason for keeping it. Your statement about whether the reason you keep stuff “empowers you or limits you” really hit home with me. I am going to spend some time this weekend thinking about that and maybe doing some ‘spring cleaning’.
Thanks again for a very powerful post !!
You’re most welcome Kelly!
I had a similar experience several years ago when I found journal after journal, on spiral bound notepads to composition books. All lovelorn and terribly sad. Actually, at that point in my life, to read over some of my thoughts, made me smile. But I built a fire, conducted a sacred ritual, and one by one said goodbye to those writings. I sprinkled the ashes in my then garden. I don’t regret this action at all. In fact, it has forced to remember more clearly my past when I try to find the words for whatever I am writing.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m sure that was incredibly cathartic! Perhaps I will do the same some day. A big part of me really wants to, especially when I read a story like yours.
Almost 1 year ago (April 11) I landed on the Big Island Hawaii. To do that I sold a beautiful home stuffed with all kinds of things I was holding onto in San Diego. I could not believe the things that I kept as I went through things, getting rid of them, selling valuable things, giving away so much stuff and huge loads literally went to the dump. Paperwork from business I had done over 20 years, and the list goes on.
I kept VERY little. In fact out of the two combined households we only had two 5x5x7 crates shipped besides our cars.
One thing I did keep; The journals I found from many years of my life. From my life before my first marriage. From my first marriage. After that long term marriage ended, and the 10 years I spent single after that. There was much of what you speak of, especially in the early journals. The Sad Story.
As you can well imagine I’m one that has had to work on “letting go”. Not keeping everything. People are amazed at my home in Hawaii. I have truly become a minimalist!
I have occasions however, like I wanted to keep my California drivers license when I got my Hawaii license. To the point I was going to lie about losing it!! Good news…. I realized the attachment to the old and the past and that I have moved on to the new…. I didn’t do it… I turned it in and got the Hawaii license.
Those old journals. They tell a story and I’m proud that the story has progressed. I’m glad that I have become someone entirely different. My story has become amazing.
I keep the journals. It is my life. On this occasion I don’t do it to hold on, but to celebrate. To allow my new journals to unfold. It has given me the power to write and keep on writing and now my writing is becoming such a part of me. It’s been years of practice and years of developing the story. The plot it started with has changed entirely. It is all my story. I’m just choosing to talk about the new plot, the new unfolding, the new wisdom. I might not appreciate where I am today without having lived and written the sad story plot.
Much aloha for your many writings that I wake up and read most days….
That’s wonderful your journals empower you in that way. This part of your comment really resonated with me: “They tell a story and I’m proud that story has progressed. I’m glad that I have become someone entirely different. My story has become amazing.” Beautiful. =)
A few years ago I got out some of my journals from high school that were filled with angst and regret and turned them into scrapbooks. I took personal pictures, pictures and words from magazines, quotes, and pasted them right on top of the written pages. Now I can look at them and honor that the words are still there, it’s still a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define me in this moment. I am always changing and building off the lessons that I’ve learned. Like you said, it’s not the stuff, it’s the meaning you give it. So I chose to give it a new meaning. Good luck creating your own empowerment!
I like that, it not only memorializes the original thoughts but the transformation as well. I think that would be a treasure to a historian who some future day waould want to understand what life was like for one particular real person. The historian in me dislikes the idea of burning journals just because they don’t apply to who the author thinks they are today. They were as true in their moment as today’s journal is as it is being written.
Wow what a great idea. This really resonated with me, because it’s a way to honor and build on what was before…and it sounds artistic and fun!
love this piece Lori, my journals mean so much to me. I love looking back at my life in the 80’s, 90’s the 00’s to see my life through my words. I have told my partner to destroy them should I die unexpectantly. very personal stuff and I feel like at this moment that is the right thing to do. that may change. who knows? thank you again lovey for your beautiful words. with love, laura
I’ve actually told my boyfriend the same thing! I thought of you when I wrote this Laura, because your post also got me thinking about this. Thank you for what you do!
Lori I feel like you went into my soul and wrote this piece…thank you for articulating how I feel about my journals, my past and my present….thank you!!!!
You’re most welcome Roshawan!
Great post. I too have struggled with the decision to keep or discard old journals. I was scanning through them recently, and as others have said, I see how much I’ve matured mentally and spiritually. I cannot believe what I used to tolerate or what would push my buttons. It’s liberating to see my growth on paper, in words. It’s like reading my own autobiography. On the flip side, I’ve considered burning them in some sort of symbolic ceremony…I’m not the old me any longer. It’s tricky. I’ve also been horrified of someone finding them if I was suddenly no longer around. The entries are very personal and some aren’t flattering toward others.(understatement) Thought provoking stuff!
I’ve felt the same way, about someone finding my journals. Some of my younger ones are somewhat disturbing, and while I feel this fascination with my own transformation, I’d rather not completely expose my younger psyche!
I like to purge stuff that was acquired or purchased. If it had memories attached it will undoubtably appear in past photos. But the things we personally create — like journals — are a tangible manifestation of our lived experiences. By adding current journals to the collection, you can create balance and reflect how far you’ve come.
This is just so timely for me. Not just in terms of my annual spring clean of the physical stuff but also because I realised yesterday that the way I largely describe and define myself is more about the past than the present. I resolved yesterday to change that. Not easy but I need to do it.
I have old books from classes I took which I failed. I don’t know why I still have them, they’re out of date, and I couldn’t use them even if I took the class over. They’re going out TONIGHT. 🙂
I’m by no means the most sorted out person around but I am extremely good at de-cluttering and getting rid of things .. living in a small room for 5 years probably taught me that 🙂 I also believe that it helps you appreciate what you still have a little bit more!
Dear Lori,
Regarding our past: I’m going to throw out a really far-out
concept, which explains why I rarely revisit my past using facts, like letters
and journals…unless they are positive.
Here’s the idea: In out personal lives, everything that ever
WAS, and everything that ever WILL BE,
is all happening NOW, and is subject to change from moment to moment.
What changes our PAST, as well as our future? Our current
mind set in the NOW.
If we’re feeling good about ourselves, this shift of
attitude modifies our entire existence living within all time/space and beyond
it. Outside our physical time/space continuum, (the one we are focused in now)
there are an infinite number of possible futures AND an infinite number of pasts –
as well as infinite possible NOWS. Our imagination, expectations, and feelings
places us where we best fit, creating a material world where we get what we
expect, or want, or fear.
If you have changed in a positive way, your past has changed
with you, and will reinforce the NOW in which you sail.
So don’t look at the past with negative details. Remember
the joyous parts and the learning parts and the loving parts. They will nourish
your journey into the future.
Irv
Mr. Podolsky – well & beautifully said.
very well expressed; heartening
That’s an interesting way to look at Irv–that our past changes with us. I’ve never considered that possibility, but it’s certainly an empowering perspective. Thank you for sharing this here!
Wow Irv! Great way of putting it. I love the theories and thinking of the physical space/time continuum and many times forget to think with that perspective. Thank you for the reminder. Very thought provoking.
Jacquellyn
I actually JUST ripped up my journals about a month ago… it was liberating at first but re-reading them made some yucky stuff bubble up, which was good, I was able to deal with it all once and for all as a grown-up… Personally, it worked for me! http://finding-fearless.com/2012/03/05/i-tore-up-the-past-instead/
…”It’s not the stuff that carries an emotional charge; it’s the meaning we give it.” – and I believe that we give it meaning because “stuff” has become an extension of our identity…believing (to some extent) that what we own (or don’t own) will help us become what we’ve forgotten we already are.
Wow! Now that’s thought-provoking. I love this idea that we already are what we’re trying to be, and that we can see it more clearly if we stop suffocating ourself with the things we think we need.
Stuff like photos and memories
I have a lot of pictures that looks less Beautiul now that my emtions have changed, But I have a hard time throwing away memories
Letting go is the hardest for me.
I know what you mean Ed. I love holding onto memories too. I actually have somewhere around 15 photo albums from my teens and twenties. Especially now that I rarely print photos, those albums feel so meaningful. They’re memories *from* my past and *of* the past.
I was holding onto my not so at times childhood, things that happened to me that altered my path, my old work, war stories which have kept me stuck and locked in an invisible cage. It was not until I started journalling, being grateful and meditating that my life began to unfold and right before my eyes. People kept talking about journalling and how it opens you, the more they talked about it, the more I just wanted to ‘Drop Kick’ them lol. Well when I started journalling, writing about my gratitude and meditating I got it. For me I will print each entry and create a book with a beautiful cover because what happened to me and where I am at this point in life is like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly. Sometimes it is a good thing to remember where you where to see how far you’ve come. It gives one a sense of accomplishment 🙂
That’s true Connie. I do enjoy measuring my progress and feeling proud of that growth. It’s really satisfying to stop, take a deep breath, and realize how far you’ve come!
I hold onto journals as well, afraid that if I throw them out ill forget the lessons ive learned..
Love you Lori! Your posts inspire so many! Your past experiences helped to make you who your are today! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much! I am really touched by your comment. =)
Great post, one that reinforces the change I am provoking at this very moment in my life. Your experiences are very inspirational, and I uncover yet another layer of myself that the old me didn’t know existed. Cheers
Thanks so much! I’m glad my posts are helpful to you. =)
I loved this piece – I feel like your posts have a different tone lately, which is hard to explain, but they seem more “wise” to me. I am enjoying your writing even more, recently!
I have always held on to my letters and journals but I went through some MAJOR changes a couple of years ago and reading them is too painful… I don’t gain anything by going back over those details at this point on my path. I’m finally ready to burn them and it feels good! I plan to do it soon.
Best to you!
Thank you Alannah! Perhaps we could have an online burning party. It sounds like there are a lot of people ready to light that match!
This topic hits home for me: last week I found a journal I briefly wrote after a friend’s suicide. It was filled with guilt and self-loathing, despairing that I didn’t push him hard enough to get help. Now, I see things differently. I see how much I’ve grown over the years since. I briefly felt grief for both of us, let go,and threw away the diary. That’s not me now. I don’t have to be reminded that I’ve experienced terrible pain in my past. Who I am now is who I am and all of me in this moment. I’ve gratitude to the life that’s Jean and not-Jean. Who I was and who I am is insignificant to what I doin service to all, including “me”.
Jean
That’s wonderful you made that choice Jean. I can only imagine how difficult it was to look your friend in that way. I’m glad you’ve healed and grown since then!
I’ve tried to live more minimally of late because I really don’t like clutter and too, the economy has made me be more mindful of what I accumulate. But I recently wrote on my own blog about “Less is More” in my current downsize mode as my son heads to college soon (he’s moving out and I’m moving to a smaller place). A lot of the things I find I’m keeping are the mementos of his childhood (a lot of which he stated quite vocally that he could care less about keeping. But “just in case” I urge him). I always thought I wouldn’t have any trouble letting go, always eager for him to spread his wings, but it’s been harder than I thought. Anyway, I would be really honored if you’d check out my post on the topic and I hope it’s ok to include the link here
http://sahbinahvioletflynn.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/less-is-more/
Thanks for the link! I love that Lao Tzu quote, and I really connected with this part:
“Often, we fill our spaces with pretty this ‘n that’s to take up empty feelings, to stave of boredom or even to replace the people who are no longer present. Our clutter, especially our mental clutter, is sort of a barrier that distracts us from taking on new challenges and becoming who we are really meant to be.”
Such a great point. When we get rid of the things that weigh us down, we allow ourselves space to grow.
Thank you Lori, for reading my blog and responding so kindly. I’ve really found so much inspiriation from you and the contributors on Tiny Buddha.
You’re most welcome. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the site =)
Just throw them away. It’s not going to kill you.
Hi Lori! I think it’s wonderful that you are looking at what hanging on to those journals mean to you. I can see both sides and even though I have my own ideas I’m not going to try to give you advice to sway you one way or another. I have had journals stolen from me that left me feeling very violated and I still have a hard time journaling as much or as honestly as I used to. As far as throwing them out, there have been many times that I have torn pieces out and either torn them to tiny pieces or burned them. Burning them at night is very satisfying. It can be ritualistic especially if you are really putting the energy into it to let it go. It can be emotional if there is a lot, as in your case, but in the end very cleansing. I usually feel a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I used to like to keep my journals to go back through each year to see what patterns and and repeated cycles I was continuing and which ones I had broken and grown past. It was a good tool. I still wish I could get back to writing the way I used to. Maybe there are still some trust issues, even though it’s been sixteen years since they were stolen. Whatever you decide I hope it’s liberating and I hope you can update us on what you have learned from your experience.
Lots of love
Jacquellyn
Thanks so much Jacquellyn. That’s terrible someone stole your journals! I can understand how that would impact your writing. I think the idea of a burning ceremony sounds wonderfully cathartic. A big part of me wants to do that. I’m still just teetering on the edge of resistance!
Jacquellyn,
I too had all my journals stolen. It
happened to me 4 years ago when I was moving into a new place. My journals were
packed in boxes along with a lot of other personal items that would not have
been of any value to anyone else. Thieves broke in the night before I was due
to take up residence and took most of the boxes. I felt really violated for a
long time. I didn’t write any more journals for a while. Luckily for me, my life
took an unexpected turn about a year later and I met the most wonderful man. I
started journal-writing again and haven’t looked back. The way I look at it
now, life contains loss and some losses are more painful than others. I’ve had some
of the best experiences of my life in the last couple of years and this has
helped me to move beyond the feelings of loss and violation from that period
and leave it in the past. Even so, it was a conscious choice that did take
work. (By the way, I decided not to go ahead and move in to that place after
the robbery. I always keep my journals where I know they are safe now).
Lori,
This post really “spoke” to me! I kept a journal for the better part of 25 years, starting at age 13. I came close to burning them up last year, but a writer-friend stopped me. She made me swear to wait 20 more years before making that decision! Her viewpoint is that it’s all part of the whole. Personally, I can’t decide if, by keeping them, I’m simply holding onto the dead past, or if I’m honoring the investment my embryo-self was making in her own evolution! One motivation would be based on love, the other on fear. If I haven’t burned those books yet, maybe I’m more inclined toward the love theory…
That’s certainly the more beautiful one! I’m in the same limbo right now…perhaps I need a few years to think on it. =)
this is great food for thought! thanks Lori! love your blog!
You’re most welcome!
Resonating topic…years ago I quickly went through some old journals and tore out the painful, disturbing parts/time which I found that no longer had a place within the binding. So far I’ve kept these formative journals otherwise, waiting to be revisited. Matches or a shredder are helpful:)
That’s an interesting idea…to keep the journals, but remove the most disturbing parts. Perhaps I will do the same!
I found it very helpful when i did this…the journals now feel ‘cleansed’ to be able to read whenever….easier to feel than to describe! Love your blog.
Thanks so much! =)
I have been on this spring cleaning kick for about a year now. I haven’t told anyone the real reason why so most people just think I’m crazy to be living with a limited amount of ‘stuff’ but it is so freeing…so healthy…and feels so very good. To wake up in a clean, clutter free space every day…bliss. Haven’t been able to let go of the journals though…it’s the only record I have of the last 10 years. Loved this post so much. So much of what we go through we don’t go through alone. Even if we feel like we’re the only ones on the planet struggling like we are. Perhaps we should let go of the journals together? Now that would be powerful! Thanks again…
I was thinking the same thing, about letting go of journals together! It seems like so many people can relate to this. What an amazing experience it would be to not only let go in this way, but to do it with other people who are in the same boat. What you wrote, about sharing each other’s struggles, that’s precisely why I started this site. I’m so grateful to know that we are never alone!
Great post–as usual! I definitely am not the most practiced person when it comes to letting go. I can move on, but to truly let it go would mean (for me) that the thing didn’t have as much “bite” as it did when it first happened. This post helps, so thank you!
You’re most welcome! That’s an interesting observation about the event not having as much “bite,” and I can relate. I don’t want my past to have power over me, but I also don’t want to minimize what happened. I can forgive, but I don’t want to forget.
I keep my journals so my kids and grandkids can get a true picture of who I am/was. I don’t necessarily think of them as good or bad memories, just a timeline of my journey and its truth.
b
Hi Lori,
One day I stumbled upon a blog, “The Secret Life of Objects”. A talented artist was studying how objects are connected with our sense of self, and the process of letting go of possessions. If you sent her your object, she would photograph it and send it to you in return, and then post the picture and your story on her website to be used as part of her study. This was my submission below:
“My Bronze Bells”
I have been a minimalist in varying degrees since childhood. I still, however, hold on to a few items. The image some of these items create for me is not a pleasant one, and I question the need/desire to hold on to them. My childhood was far from a happy one and, in fact, I do not have very many memories, which could be considered very good or very bad. I have two older brothers and my parents owned a soda manufacturing business. When I was born, their first girl and last baby, they gave me away to a couple they knew very little about (the male was their extract salesman). I really can’t say the exact age I was when this transaction took place, but I ended up staying with this couple in another state not too far away, until I was 10 years old. From as far back as I can remember, this was against my wishes. After many crying spells and stiff upper lips, my parents finally agreed to let me come back home. Helen, the female part of this couple, gave me a set of six bronze bells when I left, along with the thought that I was killing De, the male in this scenario, by leaving. She told me that when I first came to live with them, I was a baby and they had no toys and nothing to entertain me. She had fashioned the bells into a crib mobile of sorts by binding them together with green yarn and hanging them across the area in which they kept me. I have kept these bells for over 40 years, a fact that completely flies in the face of my minimalism philosophy, yet I have never been able to let them go. Thank you for the inspiration. I have taken a picture of my ready to purge bells, and continue to keep a stiff upper lip.”
The photographs she sent me were absolutely beautiful, and this was a very powerful experience, extremely freeing to say the least. I say let go of the journals (if you are comfortable with that). We have to go through all that we do to get to where we are…we wouldn’t be who we are today without those experiences. I for one am very grateful for the bad times in my life, as well as the good (of course it’s easier to say that once you’ve made it to the other side). I do not ever want to forget my past, and I don’t think that is possible in any regard, because there were so many lessons and so much growth along the way. And I don’t believe I would know what I know or be the person I am without it. The difference for me now is that I no longer dwell on it…I no longer look at those bells with contempt or pull out those journals and re-feel those old painful feeling…I am no longer obsessed with my past or “addicted to my story.” 😉
Great post, thanks!
What a wonderful idea–to help people let go in this way.
I can only imagine what that must have been like for you as a child. I’m so inspired by your strength and perspective. Thank you for sharing your experience and story here!
My bf and I were just talking about my inexplicable need to share who I was anf where I have been to everyone new… The best I could come up with is exactly what you said – when they judge me I want them to know… When I say I am working on my first bachelor at 27, they know why and don’t look at me like scum… I don’t want to be embarrassed about me nor do I want that look from them. I’m proud of where I am.
That’s great you’re getting your degree–and that you’re proud of where you are. I feel that way too. I didn’t always make the wisest choices, but I’m proud of how I’ve learned and evolved.
I have mixed feelings about this topic. Reading through the comments, I can understand the need some people have to get rid of symbols of their difficult pasts and “start fresh,” but for me that goes against the type of life I’m trying to live — a life of acceptance where everything has a purpose and place. In my understanding of the Buddhist teachings, all emotions and experiences are acceptable — they’re all a part of our individual path. We may perceive some as uncomfortable, painful,” or bad, but they’re still a part of who we are — just waves in the vast, everchanging ocean of life. It is only by pushing experiences or emotions away that we give them power; the more we try to avoid something the more we identify with it. Or as you said, “It’s not the stuff that carries an emotional charge; it’s the meaning we give it.”
As far as journals go, I can’t help wondering if the need to get rid of journals or other painful mementos is a form of someone denying who they are or were. If you’re totally okay with yourself (past and present), would you need to destroy them to prove that to yourself? That you’ve “moved on” or are a “better person” now? Or would you hold on to them because they’re as much a part of you as the heart beating inside your chest? If the “getting rid of,” is simply symbolic of your desire to start a new chapter in your life and you’re just not a terribly sentimental person, great; just make sure it’s not a denial of where you’ve been and where you’ve come from — symbolic of cutting out your heart.
In my own case, I have journals going back some twenty years cataloguing a range of painful emotions I experienced along the course of a vicious eating disorder. I also have pictures taken of me when I was at my worst. Do I LIKE looking at these pictures? No. They make me sad. Do I LIKE reading the journal entries? Not especially, but they belie a fierce determination to survive and overcome that I can’t help but be proud of. I won’t deny these parts of my past because they have made me who I am today. Burning them or destroying them in any way would feel like a denial and betrayal of that poor, terrified child who was simply struggling to survive in a scary world the best way she knew how. And I am a much more confident, aware and understanding woman today because of that.
It sounds like we have some very similar journals. (I struggled with an eating disorder, as well). That’s wonderful you’ve given those journals such an empowering meaning so that they provide you with a sense of strength and purpose. I’m still working through my own mixed feelings, and trying to ascertain what it really means to let go in this case, but I know in many ways, mine do that for me as well.
There are several reasons we hold on to things:
http://myminimalistlifestyle.com/why-do-we-hold-on-to-things/